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Original poster

He stole from me

195 replies

AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 11:08

Regular user, name changed.

It isn't a huge amount, about £70 I think, I have a change pot where I put left over coins at end of most days. At last count there was about £150 in pound coins, I dipped in to it myself a couple of times, taking approx. £10 each time. Today, while he's at work I counted £50 in £1's. Nothing more. So I say about £70 to account for me taking more than I realised, but I don't think I did.
I am not the kind of person to keep quiet about this. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I believe in totally honesty and trust in a relationship yet I cant say anything.
DP has had financial difficulties. I helped him out. He will be paying me back next friday when he gets paid. The day after, we go on holiday with DCs for a week. I have to keep quiet until we get back, no idea how. Please help me decide objectively what to do.
So not to drip feed, I was single a long time before DP and found it hard and lonely, and had depression and my parenting suffered because of it. Too much shouting etc.
Now my DC seem much happier, despite hearing me and DP row occassionally.
DC are 5 & 8.
What do I do?

OP posts:
rach2713 · 08/02/2014 20:10

Op my partner does the same as you by putting money in his tub every day and every couple off no the he asks me to count it I don't touch it unless I have no money at all for dd school dinners but even then I ask him and when I get money I put it back.

TheXxed · 08/02/2014 20:13

AtSea1979 your children will benefit more from seeing their mother respect herself than have some help out on the school run.

LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 20:16

Taking the money out of the box - no big deal
borrowing money from you to get him out of the shit - no big deal
allowing you to pay off his debts - bit of a red flag
flying off the handle when you ask him about the money from box and lies about spending it on petrol - big red flag
accusing you of having an affair because you wore lip balm to tesco - huge fucking red flag.

When you say he contributes now - how much? does he pay half the mortgage/rent (or has he agreed to) and bills? will he pay half the living costs - will you have a joint account? Will he acrue (sp) more debt? What debts did he have when you met - you say his is useless with money - well so were me an my dp, it nearly caused us both to have breakdowns. We did get through it - but i can tell you now - the very first criteria a new partner would need to fulfil for me is to be financially solvent and sensible with money. I'd rather be on my own than constantly worry about money.

mammadiggingdeep · 08/02/2014 20:24

Taking money out the box is a big deal IMO. It's not his money. He's already free loaded for a significant amount of time. A decent character wouldn't help themselves to their partner's money.

mammadiggingdeep · 08/02/2014 20:27

He's not a 'good guy'. You were posting from the toilet as you were scared of a row! All after you'd discovered HIM stealing...

GimmeDaBoobehz · 08/02/2014 20:38

Nobody should be scared of their partner.

Ever.

Except maybe scared of hurting their feelings.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 08/02/2014 20:42

But a grown adult should voice their concerns.
A grown adult should listen to concerns.
A grown adult should discuss, perhaps disagree, look at it from the other persons perspective (or at least try to) and try to come to a conclusion that they can both at least partially agree on.

I don't see any of this happening here.
He is emotionally immature as you have said which is no excuse.
I couldn't live with someone like that - I'd feel like I had a second child.

BiscuitMillionaire · 08/02/2014 21:22

I think you wait until he pays you back next week. The you have a serious discussion with him about money and ground rules for him living with you, who pays for what, etc. If that doesn't go well, and he doesn't start taking responsibility, then finish it.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 22:22

A direct debit is already set up so most of his wage goes into my account from his, this will cover bills and hopefully more on top so I can help us save to.

OP posts:
DrMaybe · 08/02/2014 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WisneaMe · 09/02/2014 09:01

This is a massive red flag i feel sick to the pit---
Sorry from drip, he came in to lounge demanding that I put phone down and listen to him.
Earlier I put lip balm on to go to tesco and he asked me if I was having an affair.
When I refused to put phone down, when typing out last message, he demanded to know who I was texting.
Then apologised immediately.
Begging forgiveness for everything.
"I'm so sorry, please forgive me, I promised I'll work at it. Don't worry I'll never leave you".
Leave me!

He is turning the focus onto you and has gave you glimpse of his possesiveness he will only escalate this to demanding your home in "his" expected time frame,will look through your phone and insinuate your infidelity and have you walking on eggshells.

He is a theif,liar and so far proving to be an emotional abuser, he is a grown man his childhood may have been the making of him and he wont change, he can't be rescued

Your on a hiding to nothing dump him asap.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 09/02/2014 13:26

He admitted last night he had been through my phone twice in past 2 weeks. Asked me why I'd text someone (a man, not even a friend as such, just someone I text now n then, superficial "hi, how's things" etc. He helped me out with work thing once. Maybe DP is right, maybe casual texts to casual MALE acquaintance is inappropriate in relationship.
I reassured DP that he had nothing to worry about and pointed out several facts that proved I wasn't ever unfaithful, mainly that apart from work I never went out.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 09/02/2014 13:32

Today, DP is bouncing between angry, and sad, and overly jovial for DC.
"F* off with your negativity" and seconds later "I'm sorry, I don't want to lose you".
I have asked him to leave. He says give him til after holiday. I've booked a cottage, remote getaway, too scared to go so remote alone yet apprehensive about being so remote with DP, unfounded really. More my trust issue from exP.
I asked DP if he would go to live near his parents (other end of country) or stay local. He said local. He said he wants to be a dad to DC. I said he has no concept of parenting, he stole from them.
I have given him a hard time today. Yet struggling on how to step back from situation and find an easy way out.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 09/02/2014 13:38

huge fucking red banners swinging here and klaxons going off.....

Of course its OK to text a male friend?? Why wouldnt it be??

How long have you been together - are the DCs his? If not then he doesnt need to be a dad to them.

Have you a friend who might come with you on holiday? any single mums from playgroup/school who would love the break. He seems to be getting more erratic and I wouldnt want to be somewhere isolated with him, even if he is just putting the pressure on to let him stay.

NettleTea · 09/02/2014 13:41

6 out of the last 7 most recent text conversations I have on my phone are with men, and the woman is work related.
My DP wouldnt bat an eyelid.
I even sat in a mobile home for 45 mins sharing a cup of tea with one of them yesterday

expatinscotland · 09/02/2014 13:42

Can someone else go with you on this holiday? DO NOT go with him. He is NOT your DCs father and he is NOT listening to you and is minimising your feelings. Going through your phone, stealing and gas lighting you is abuse. He needs to LEAVE when YOU say so.

FanFuckingTastic · 09/02/2014 13:46

Sorry, but when this happened to me, I had to dump the bastard. It turned out that when I took over the rent, he had arrears and rather than being honest to me, he told me the rent was X amount. When we were on a break for his behaviour around my depression and the landlady finally told me, I was absolutely raging even though the amount was only £50 a month, he left me paying it even though he was no longer living with me, which mean my benefits were paying for his debt. Then when he called me after being pulled over by the police for having no insurance and shouted at me, I decided that it was going to be a permanent break because of course I wasn't going to continue paying his insurance when we no longer pooled our finances, and that was his responsibility, not mine, to sort out.

FanFuckingTastic · 09/02/2014 13:48

Of course his response was to come to the house and remove everything he owned, and leave me with no bed, no sofa, no fridge, no washing machine etc. To put into storage because he had all that stuff where he was staying. He gave me no opportunity to sort replacements either. Just straight in and out. Which just left me certain he was best left dumped and out of my life.

Floggingmolly · 09/02/2014 13:49

Your apprehension about being in a very remote location with your partner is not particularly unfounded. Fgs wake up and smell the coffee Hmm

NettleTea · 09/02/2014 14:01

Even if he is going to be on best behaviour and trying to pressure you into changing your mind, you are already scared to bring stuff up and hiding in the bathroom. So you know he can switch to angry if you dont give in. So why put yourself into that position. I would tell him to get out BEFORE you go away and make sure he doesnt know where you are going if you cannot get someone to go with you.

I am guessing he hasnt paid for this holiday. He can easily cancel the direct debit and you will be none the wiser until the money doesnt show up. You cannot MAKE him give you any money and I am 100% sure he wont.

There is no easy way out, but he needs to be gone before you go away, or he will still be there when you get back. You need to take all keys off him now or he will get some cut and go into your house when you are away. You need to make sure that neighbours know he has gone and to report if he tries to get in while you are gone - I would even be tempted to get locks changed on the friday he leaves.

wyrdyBird · 09/02/2014 14:23

Sea.

Please listen to your instincts.

Stop squashing them down. They are not trust issues. Instincts are there for a reason.

You know, on some level, exactly what you're dealing with.

So please trust yourself, and either take a friend on your holiday, or cancel it.

Do not go to a remote location with an angry and unpredictable man, that you've only known for about 6 months.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 09/02/2014 14:51

I'm shaking and feel sick. He is on the phone arranging house viewings. Calm. I can't let on that its churning me up. He will only say well its my idea and I'm making him. I'm bouncing between angry and scared of being alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 09/02/2014 14:52

In bathroom again so he can't see how churned up I am. I'm going to run a bath and tell him I'm relaxing in bath for a bit. So I can hide a while longer.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 09/02/2014 15:06

You'd rather shack up with an abuser, with your kids in the house, that you've known 5 minutes than be alone? Really?

Get a dog ans some counselling for self-esteem because there is so,etching really wrong if you're wiling to move in any warm body just to not be alone. Fair enough if you didn't have kids, but you do. It's not good for their welfare to have men like this in and out of their lives.

mum0274 · 09/02/2014 15:11

I can understand why your churned up. Its obvious you think a hell of alot of this person to have kept it going for as long as you did. It sounds like he is respecting your wishes and leaving, but seems like he cares about the children and wants to keep contact.

You shouldnt be scared of being alone, you have your children. I have read what you have put and see that there could be 2 sides to the story, but so far here we only have 1.

Has he ever been physically violent to you or given reason for you to be scared in a remote cottage with him?

If he is working then maybe what one of the previous people said was a good idea, talk about the finances. If he is paying the money back then maybe he wants to make ammends and live a life with you, i know that doesnt make what he did right at all but its a small start.

If you loved him, and he loves you and the children then surely things might be worth looking at in the cold light of day?