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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He stole from me

195 replies

AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 11:08

Regular user, name changed.

It isn't a huge amount, about £70 I think, I have a change pot where I put left over coins at end of most days. At last count there was about £150 in pound coins, I dipped in to it myself a couple of times, taking approx. £10 each time. Today, while he's at work I counted £50 in £1's. Nothing more. So I say about £70 to account for me taking more than I realised, but I don't think I did.
I am not the kind of person to keep quiet about this. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I believe in totally honesty and trust in a relationship yet I cant say anything.
DP has had financial difficulties. I helped him out. He will be paying me back next friday when he gets paid. The day after, we go on holiday with DCs for a week. I have to keep quiet until we get back, no idea how. Please help me decide objectively what to do.
So not to drip feed, I was single a long time before DP and found it hard and lonely, and had depression and my parenting suffered because of it. Too much shouting etc.
Now my DC seem much happier, despite hearing me and DP row occassionally.
DC are 5 & 8.
What do I do?

OP posts:
BeCool · 08/02/2014 14:03

Your P is useless with money and helps himself to coins from what is effectively family petty cash. I don't see that as so much of a problem that can't be resolved. Knowing he is useless with ££ and skint it is a little optimistic to have all that money to hand and not expect him to use it. perhaps you need to rethink your change strategy now you are living with someone who has different attitudes to money than you?

However you paying for EVERYTHING and him nothing is a worry. Have you read about cocklodgers on MN?

What is going to happen if he pays you back on payday? Will he then have no money to get him through the month? So he will borrow from you again? How is this going to be resolved long term?

EllaFitzgerald · 08/02/2014 14:13

So is he suggesting that two weeks of school runs cost £100? I don't drive, but that seems a little excessive to me. And why would he not say that the car needed topping up, so he'd taken some cash?

You cannot rescue him. Being with someone who treats him properly is not suddenly going to turn him from what he is into an honest man, or stop all the 'mess ups'.

PeterAndresSprayTanner · 08/02/2014 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VenusStarr · 08/02/2014 14:52

Trust your gut. My ex stole from me and it's such a violation of trust. Ask him but be prepared for his answer. For me it was a deal breaker.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 15:24

I didn't mind so much paying the bills, he was unemployed, he got up and did the school run, he did the house work. In affect he was like a house husband and I had the money, as long as he worked similar hours to me round the house and we broke even then I thought so be it.
But this is different. So much shit. I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 08/02/2014 15:39

He's a cock lodger! :(

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 16:52

He's angry at me. I'm biting my tongue, getting through the day with DC

OP posts:
TemperamentalAroundCorvids · 08/02/2014 16:56

I presume he is actually angry at being found out.

There are many models of financial sharing used successfully by MNetters - there's usually a thread relating to it on the go. Do you have a model for you and him and the household etc?

SecretWitch · 08/02/2014 16:59

Honey, he is angry because he was caught and you pulled him up on it. Would you tolerate someone stealing from you in any other setting?

expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 17:04

Do you realise how this sounds? You're so afraid of bei g alone you've moved a cocklodging thief into your family home, with your kids!, and are now feeling stressed and a wee bit frightened, IN YOUR OWN HOME.

Kick him out, get a dog and get some self esteem so you don't spend time on any ol' warm body because you don't want to be alone.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 17:05

Sorry from drip, he came in to lounge demanding that I put phone down and listen to him.
Earlier I put lip balm on to go to tesco and he asked me if I was having an affair.
When I refused to put phone down, when typing out last message, he demanded to know who I was texting.
Then apologised immediately.
Begging forgiveness for everything.
"I'm so sorry, please forgive me, I promised I'll work at it. Don't worry I'll never leave you".
Leave me!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 17:06

FFS. He's sorry his game is up.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 17:08

No model of finance.
Basically he had nothing but debts. I have savings and income.
He quit his job to move 100 miles to be with me. He had a job here but quit that too because they treated him like rubbish.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 17:10

He moved to get his feet under your table and once he did that, he quit other jobs because he's a cocklodging loser. If he had not been parked up at yours, he'd have to get another job before quitting.

Get rid!

Doha · 08/02/2014 17:12

cocklodger....

He is trying to deflect the blame onto you....having an affair Hmm. He has a very cushy number and he knows it. he is sorry he got caught and is terrified he is about to be chucked out...

And l would do it.

TheXxed · 08/02/2014 17:15

OP you do realise he is a twat don't you.

I know someone who was in a relationship with a woman who had kids, he had been made redundant at the time. He waited until he had a job was established financially to support her and the kids before he moved in.

He could not allow for money meant for her and the children to subsidies him.

wyrdyBird · 08/02/2014 17:15

Theft, dishonesty, lack of empathy, and lack of conscience add up to a serious problem building in your life... in the shape of your partner.

So he also came with debts, moved to be with you, quit his job because he didn't like how they treated him...?

This will sound horrible, sea, but it sounds like you've been targeted. :(

So sorry sea. You deserve better than this

SecretWitch · 08/02/2014 17:17

At sea, if you were robbed by an unknown person of £70, you would report to police, right?

This man is not trust worthy. He is a thief.

He is getting stroppy with you because he has been caught and knows his comfortable place at the table is threatened.

TemperamentalAroundCorvids · 08/02/2014 17:20

A 'winning' line in FW Bingo there, sea.

Time to call (Out of the) House on him.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 17:32

I don't know what to do. I need that pay packet. I have spent £500 on holiday for half term. Do I write it all off or do I muddle through for next 2 weeks?

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 17:33

Hiding in toilet again. Scared I'll make him more angry. I need to decide what to do

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 17:38

You are hiding in the toilet and scared and you are wondering if you should muddle through? Write it off.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 17:39

Why can't you take your kids on holiday?

SecretWitch · 08/02/2014 17:42

Atsea, can you tell us why you are afraid of making him angry? Is there any chance he might become violent with you?

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 17:42

He's washing up and doing other helpful things now. Talking to me unusually nicely. It isn't always like this.

OP posts: