Should I end it?

[CandyJournal]

I am a married parent of 3 although I have always felt like a single parent, me and DH have been married for a number of years, he lives with us and works long hours 9-7 Mon-Sat he does not do anything to contribute to our family, all I ask for him is to take our youngest son to school a few days a week as he is already tucked up in bed asleep by the time he gets home from work, he always makes out as if me asking him to do this is way too much.

He has been unfaithful in the past when me and him were going through a rough patch, but we managed to work together and get through it.

The intimacy between me and him is just not there anymore and it hasn't been for three months, every night I am going to bed alone whilst he stays downstairs watching television. On Thursday we were both in the kitchen he went upstairs leaving his phone it flashed.

I regret doing this but I went over to it and picked it up there was a text from a ladies name reading "Thanks for today Xx" his phone has a privacy pin on it so I couldn't unlock it to see if there was any text history between him and this lady, I haven't confronted him about it because it will only push him away, if he doesn't want to tell me something he wont, this is all eating me up inside, he is a very smug and cocky man and on a few occasions I have attacked him.

The text message could by all means be innocent. But there is something in my head that is telling me that something is going on.

What would you do? And thanks for reading :)

[shey02]

Proud of you for letting her go. There wasn't really much choice, but you have taken the resposible, loving route of least conflict. Kids always need to know that you love them and that the door is open, but letting go can often be the best way forward and the fastest way for them to come running back.

[CandyJournal]

DD didn't show up to school today, so I don't have no idea where she is, I know she is safe as she commented on one of my friends Facebook statues early this morning. Not having a good day today I haven't been able to go out today as my youngest son woke up looking for DD as I knew would happen, which leaded to a melt down so I didn't bother taking him.

[therewearethen]

Do school know she's no longer living with you? If not I'd let them know so their not chasing you for answers if she's not in. Have you asked him where he's taken her? He can't not tell you surely, and he can't stop you spending time with her.

I'm sorry I've got to run again, super busy week this week but I'll try and check in later.

[CandyJournal]

Therewearethen - I tried calling her she won't answer my calls, I tried calling H he is just diverting me. So right now I don't know anything the school don't know that she is no longer living with me, my eldest son texted me and told me that she wasn't in school. I don't know what H is playing at, she should be in school.

[Twinklestein]

Sorry to hear this OP. Have you heard from her? I'm sure she's absolutely fine, and her dad is just playing silly buggers. If he mucks about and doesn't send her to school it's not going to put his parenting in a good light.

I would keep a log of the date, the calls you made, conversations with the school. And I might give the da unit another call, purely to log his unreasonable behaviour with them.

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - He called me last night saying he wants full custody of my daughter. I haven't heard from her she is still ignoring my calls, but she was in school today also went to see the solicitor so now I know everything I am entitled to and I will get it, I told her about him wanting full custody of her, I explained that I have been violent to him, she it might complicate things in court :( I am in the right frame of mind to call his father and let him know what his son gets up to.

[Twinklestein]

I wouldn't do that, it will just raise his ire.

Try and keep your cool and focus all your energies on getting through this separation.

If he brings up your violence, you can bring up his financial abuse, disallowing you from having a job, cutting you off from family and friends etc: it happened within the framework of his having trapped you.

It makes sense that your husband, having lost control of you, now shifts the control to your daughter.

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - Exactly he does not want my daughter living with him he is doing this to spite me, and I still don't know where they are living

[petalsandstars]

How are you today OP, He is an utter shit.

[CandyJournal]

Petalsandstars - I am not good, I come home and cried after taking my youngest son to school, what H is doing has only just hit me now. And my daughter still won't answer my calls, only god knows what he has told her!

[petalsandstars]

Hopefully once reality sets in she'll realise that he doesn't want to have her there and will come home.

Have you started the ball rolling with solicitors - as a pp mentioned, finding one with a good financial investigator person will be needed I think.

[HoneyandRum]

Please tell the school and anyone else who needs to know what is going on because he obviously tries to make sure he controls the narrative. Prevent rumors and negativity about you before they start. Have you spoken to Women's Aid? I imagine they would have advice about how to respond to your situation. If he can control you electronically he can also control your DD that way

[patienceisvirtuous]

OP I am really sorry for what you're going through. It's horrendous.

I don't have any extra advice to add but keep on posting, you will get excellent advice here and lots of us are rooting for you - I certainly am.

You are coping really well.

[CandyJournal]

Petalsandstars - She wasn't in school again today and if she wanted to come home she'd be here, my youngest son has been cryin himself to sleep every night and waking up crying. She obviously doesn't care, she only cares about herself and her father. I had to sell some of my things, but I have got the ball rolling with the solicitors.

HoneyandRum - I did call the school this morning to explain that she lives with her dad now. I will give WomansAid a call later they are very helpful and understanding. Yes H is controlling my daughter now, she never misses days of school. I have told my eldest son everything and he is not happy with what his dad has done, he said he will never speak to him again.

Patienceisvirtuous - Thanks

[HansieMom]

Does your older son know about the pregnant girlfriend?

[CandyJournal]

HansieMom - Yes he does, he needs to know what he is like. I'm not holding back anymore.

[HansieMom]

I wonder if your daughter knows! That would be an eye opener.

[CandyJournal]

HansieMom - Even if she did/does know she'll still stay living with him.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

OP, you are winning.

Look what's happened. You busted him. He tried to bully you out of the house. You stayed. So he left instead!! Probably to the bed of the woman who was only ever intended as a minor distraction. Oh dear. You're now seeing a solicitor and he knows full well that he might as well enjoy leaving his £50s on the table for now, because pretty soon you'll be getting what you're entitled to, and not having to put up with him anymore!

And your daughter. Sorry but I laughed out loud at 'full custody'! Um, she's 14!!! Please, don't get wound up by this very obvious attempt to upset you- what a drama queen he is. You'd think he was talking about a tug of love over a toddler. I'd reply (in as bored a voice as you can manage) saying something like - 'Um... DD is 14, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm sure nobody will be bothering to get 'full custody' of anyone, unless you fancy wasting a lot of money. I'm sure she'll live with who she wants to, and change her mind several times before she's 16. I'm just pleased you're at least having to take some responsibility for your children. Oh and do try and get her to go to school, they know she's living with you now and so far you're not exactly endearing yourself to the attendance officer.' Phone down!!

Re your DD, this is the best thing that could have happened. She has her dad on a pedestal. That's soon going to tarnish if she's living with him, especially if he's got his girlfriend there too. It's worked very well for him so far - divide and conquer, he's used her to get to you. Now she's turned up expecting to see in action the brilliant dad he's painted himself as. Not gonna happen- and the flip side is going to be her realising how much he's msnipulated her against YOU. So you shrugging off the ONLY reason he's allowed her to tag along - frightening you with 'custody' - he's going to be kicking himself! Especially as the last thing his love nest needs is a stroppy teenage cuckoo in it.

[CandyJournal]

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone - He called not so long ago and said that he is coming tomorrow to take my youngest son for the weekend, I said to him 'no you're not' he said 'I'll be round at 12, so have him ready' He is not taking my youngest son tomorrow for the weekend, I don't know who he thinks he is calling me and telling me that. I am so angry right now, my eldest son has for football tomorrow and I will make sure that I am out at 12 o'clock, over my dead body is he taking my youngest son, and I will not allow my daughter to see him either and it is entirely up to her if she wants to casually miss days off school.

I am very curious to know where this other pregnant woman is, I don't think he'd bring our daughter around her.

[CandyJournal]

H turned up early this morning, I asked him what he wanted and where was my daughter , he just said she is okay and that said he had come to take my youngest son for the weekend he kept smirking I didn't want to lose my temper because I know that is what he wanted, I told him that he is not taking my youngest son anywhere he asked if he could spend a few hours with him in the house I said just half an hour because we are going out (which was a lie) I just wanted him to go, he sat watching television with my youngest son. I went upstairs just couldn't bare to be in the same room as him, I went back downstairs about 10 minutes later to find the both of them not there, I looked outside and he car was gone, I have been trying to call both him and my daughter but both phones are switch off, can someone please tell me if I should call the police or do you think I should leave it until tomorrow? Please help

[HoneyandRum]

So now you don't know where two of your children are? Can you call the police? What can they do? I don't mean this in a sarcastic way - I'm just not sure what they can do if the children are with their father and you are still married. I would call them and ask them what can be done, tell them your DS has SN. I'm so sorry you are going through this, he clearly cannot be trusted. Don't leave it until tomorrow.

[CandyJournal]

HoneyandRum - That's right I don't know where they are, I never thought H would do something like this. I know my youngest son isn't in any danger, but he hasn't got any clothes or anything with him and he would have gotten upset near to bed time as I'm not there to out him to bed. I know you don't mean it in a sarcastic way it is true what you are saying. I will give the police a call now, thanks for replying.

Only god knows what I'll do to him when he brings my son back.

[HoneyandRum]

Why did you wait so long if this happened this morning? Were you hoping he'd bring DS back? It's important that a third party (in this case police) has a record of what is happening as he clearly would throw you under the bus (metaphorically) and maybe try and make out you are an unfit mother or something.

[CandyJournal]

HoneyandRum - Yes I was hoping he'd bring him back I thought he might have taken him to the shop or somewhere, I didn't think he'd do something like this. I called the police, I ended up putting the phone down on them. They said but you and him are married, it is not an abduction, is your husband dangerous? If you didn't trust him why did you leave him in the room with your son?

And yes he will make out I am an unfit mother or he will say I said that he could take him, and probably get my 7 year old to lie for him. I know he will probably bring him back first thing in the morning but there is no excuse for what he has done, my daughter probably told him to come and get him and bring him to wherever the pair of them are staying. H has not got the patience to deal with my sons disorder.