Should I end it?

[CandyJournal]

I am a married parent of 3 although I have always felt like a single parent, me and DH have been married for a number of years, he lives with us and works long hours 9-7 Mon-Sat he does not do anything to contribute to our family, all I ask for him is to take our youngest son to school a few days a week as he is already tucked up in bed asleep by the time he gets home from work, he always makes out as if me asking him to do this is way too much.

He has been unfaithful in the past when me and him were going through a rough patch, but we managed to work together and get through it.

The intimacy between me and him is just not there anymore and it hasn't been for three months, every night I am going to bed alone whilst he stays downstairs watching television. On Thursday we were both in the kitchen he went upstairs leaving his phone it flashed.

I regret doing this but I went over to it and picked it up there was a text from a ladies name reading "Thanks for today Xx" his phone has a privacy pin on it so I couldn't unlock it to see if there was any text history between him and this lady, I haven't confronted him about it because it will only push him away, if he doesn't want to tell me something he wont, this is all eating me up inside, he is a very smug and cocky man and on a few occasions I have attacked him.

The text message could by all means be innocent. But there is something in my head that is telling me that something is going on.

What would you do? And thanks for reading :)

[RiaOverTheRainbow]

How much preparation would your son need to leave your house, and would it be possible to prepare him while living with your H? Obviously it would be preferable for your H to leave, but if he refuses you'd be better off in a Travelodge than stuck with him.

[CandyJournal]

Shey02 - I do want my life back since having my children he hasn't allowed me to and pursue my own career. My life is so dull, I take my youngest one to school in the morning then come back home until it is time to collect him. For as long as he owns this house he is not going to leave, and it is not easy when he has the children on his side.

[cheapskatemum]

I'm ok, CJ, thanks for asking. I have a temper too, I can understand how your DH winds you up so much that you flip. One thing I know is that you can get an initial consultation with a solicitor free (think it's half an hour). Could you go and ask one if it's possible to get your DH to leave? FWIW, I think the text message, and his response to it, is really dodgy. Watch him carefully when he next uses his phone to see if you can work out the code he's using. Of course, if he's clever (which he does sound), he will have deleted anything incriminating.

[CandyJournal]

RiaOverTheRainbow - It would take me around a week to prepare my son for the leave, and he will think it is his fault why we have to leave and I wouldn't be able to get the assurance from my H that it isn't. And I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my eldest two at home with him, even though they can be trusted.

Only1scoop - I try my best to keep it together everyday.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

You're married.

Therefore, he does not 'own' your house - no matter whose name is on the papers.

:)

Tell him that with a little stroke of the chin. Or rather, don't. Make plans to split - make sure you have copies of all important documents - money, pensions, house stuff. Then tell him that you want a divorce, that you are now separated, and stop treating him as if you are in a partnership - you know, just like he's done to you for years. No more cooking, washing, anything. See a solicitor and set the ball rolling for a divorce, which will mean either you and the children getting to stay in the house while they are still in education/younger than 18, OR the house being sold and the proceeds split.

He does not have the power here. I repeat - you're married, so it's your house as much as his. Or in fact, it's actually going to end up more YOUR house if you are the children's primary carer.

See a solicitor, see him for the powerless, ordinary and soon to be a lot lonelier person that he is and stop reacting to his silly cock-of-the-walk nonsense - it's all he has to say for himself, and it's not much is it? Let him punish you by walking out for days - when he comes back, smile and say the peace has been amazing. If he tells you to go if you don't like it - smile and say you couldn't care less, you're just happy to no longer be washing his smalls or cooking his dinner.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

A thought though - is there any equity at all in the house?

Because if not - you might be better off jacking it in anyway. Yes, an upheaval for your son, but doable. And then you would have the chance of benefit support while you get yourself back together and start off finding a job and doing what you want to do...

[CandyJournal]

Cheapskatemum - I will seek legal advice tomorrow. I think it has got to to stage in where he couldn't care less if I find out what he gets up to when he is not home he isn't the type to deny something he just wont give me an explanation.

He has said to me twice 'You can go out there and be a whe like you were before I don't care' I have never in my entire life been a whe I met him when I was 19 he was the second person I had intercourse with and he still is. sorry I just needed to explain myself incase you thought there was reason behind him saying that

[Only1scoop]

Candy.... do what Bruno suggests....start to make copies of any documents and keep them hidden. Start making your plan....even if it takes you a while. Yes a huge upheaval but you can't carry on like this.
When I read how he touched your chin....I felt such anger for you. I can understand how he had pushed you....probably on purpose. Vile creature. You did so well to remain calm.

[CandyJournal]

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone - Thanks for this information I guess he has made me believe that as he bought and paid for the house I am in no position to make him leave. I feel a tad bit better now :) I no longer cook, wash or iron his clothes for him I haven't done for over a year now.

He does take care of me and the children very well, financially he always has done. It would be so difficult on me and the child if we had to move homes.

[CandyJournal]

Only1scoop - He always pushes me over the edge he is the only ever person I have been violent towards.

[Dirtybadger]

You can't justify physical violence but I'd be pretty bloody fiesty if anyone called me a whore (and, ahem, I've slept with more than 2 people) Let alone my "d"p! Not. On.

[CandyJournal]

I'd like to thank you all for listening to me, tonight is going to be another sleepless night. There will be no telling when he will be back, I do need a few days away so on the drive to school tomorrow I will prepare my youngest for the leave.

[piklepants]

What a twat I feel very sorry for u but it will get better. What phone does he have? If u do want to have a nose with my partners phone if u guess the pin wrong 3 times u just have to answer a security question. But from his reaction I'd say he was guilty anyway.:-(

[PrincessPotsie]

Can you change the locks while he has disappeared got a few days? It's dreadful that he's putting you in this situation as he knows you can't leave. Try and stay as calm as possible in all dealings with him. My DH can wind me up so I've found the best way is to completely ignore him or stay completely calm and rational. I know that's really difficult but you did it the last time so you can definitely do it again.

[MistressDeeCee]

OP you were right to confront him. & I dont condone you attacking him at all, although I can see from what youve said that he and this marriage must be driving you mad. You dont need to remain in this toxic situation you'll end up in distress, and its not good for your children either. You say you cant leave as 1 child suffers from Aspergers. That isnt a reason at all to to remain in a situation which could very well cause extreme anxiety in your children eventually. They wont thank you for martyring yourself in this way on their behalf when theyre older. Your relationshi is dysfunctional and will impact on your children, even if you think it wont. Can you really see yourself just remaining in this situation for years on end? Until when? You're old and bitter? Its really hard to leave a longterm relationship, especially when you have children. But sometimes its the best thing for the sake of all of you. As uncomfortable as it might be uprooting yourself, you may have to. Thats if there isnt a way to get HIM out. Also have you thought what might happen if one day he decided to call the police when you attack him?

You confronted this man, he stroked your chin & said if you have your doubts walk away? How creepy. Although I dont believe he'd be calm about you walking away. Men like him need someone as the focus of their cruel mindgames. Cant you manage in life without this man? Im not even going to mention love.....he doesnt like you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[CandyJournal]

Piklepants - He owns an iPhone and to go through his phone would make me feel so pathetic :(

PrincessPotsie - Changing the locks wouldn't do any good, he'd just ring one of out eldest two and ask them to open the door

MistressDeeCee - I want out of this 'relationship' I haven't wanted to be with him for some time now, if we didn't have children I would have been gone years ago. And in regards to the police I don't think he'd call them on me. If I was to leave he wouldn't care, it would be hard to manage life without him and I'm aware that he doesn't like me, I have sacrificed a lot of things for him, he moved me away from my family and original friends which was hard, and he has held back the children from doing certain things which isn't nice or far.

I am going to take out youngest son to school now, I'll start preparing him for the break.

[myroomisatip]

I think you need to get as much legal advice as you can, go to the CAB, talk to Womens Aid. The more information you have the more confident you will feel about leaving.

I wish you luck

[SchoolyardShizz]

Had you been a male poster your comment about occasionally attacking him because he brings the worst out in you would be torn to shreds.

What makes you feel the urge to attack him? How often does this happen?

[Thatsthewayitcrumbles]

I feel for you and hope it works out for you and kids in long run Candy.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Please remember that no one can force you to continue living with this man. Depending on what the solicitor advises, you can either move out and apply for a share of the equity, or get a court order that forces a sale of the property.
As from now, hold the thought that it doesn't matter if he has sex with other women. You certainly don't want him. He's not worth keeping. Don't bother trying to find out what he's up to because it doesn't matter and neither does he - concentrate on making plans to end the marriage and start a new life.

[Dahlen]

I'm glad you've decided to start making preparations to leave. I wish you every success, because IMO it is vital for all of you, particularly your DC, that you do.

There is never an excuse for any sort of violence in the context of a relationship (save for self-defence or protecting someone from harm). However, every single one of us has a breaking point, even those who would normally abhor violence. This is where personal responsibility comes in.

If you are with someone who is able to press your buttons to that degree, it is your responsibility to either find ways to control yourself or to remove yourself from that situation. You become a 'proper' abuser when you make the decision to stay, continue being violent, and justify your violence by blaming the other person. Do you want to be that person and set that example for your child? I think not. Do NOT let this lazy, uncaring man you call a husband reduce you to someone who has trouble liking what they see in the mirror. Leave while you can still reclaim your integrity and pride.

Good luck with leaving.

[CandyJournal]

SchoolyardShizz - He just angers me, the things he does and says and I would say it happens once a month (the attacking)

SolidGoldBrass - I had a chat with a friend of mine who is a solicitor she said the same as you have told me, I'd have to file for divorce and that isn't something that happens overnight. He didn't come home last night which I was expecting and he probably wont be home tonight either.

I have spoken to my youngest about taking a break and I will prepare him for it every single day until I think that he is ready, my plan is to take him to Paris via train.

Moving out completely is not an option I have to think about my children and how it is going to affect them, it isn't going to be fair on them, I want him to go, and as there is no abuse towards me I can't call the police to have him removed our take out an injunction on him.

I can't speak to my mother about the situation she refuses to give support, she warned me about him and I refused to listen.

Dahien - Thank you for the advice

[shey02]

Candy now is a time for some stealth planning. Copy documents of everything, emergency cash, speak to solicitor and CAB and plan, plan plan. Don't bother going through his phone, use your energy now to be proactive and productive and POSITIVE! Keep us posted.

[CandyJournal]

Shey02 - I just don't know where to start

[Twinklestein]

Had you been a male poster your comment about occasionally attacking him because he brings the worst out in you would be torn to shreds.

Context is everything. What the OP describes is a form of 'violent resistance' to a man who has emotionally but not physically abusive traits.
Consider the signs: the isolation from family and friends; the disallowing her to have 'her life back' and 'pursue her own career' after having children; the 'holding back the children from doing certain things'; the insults, calling the OP a 'whore'; the lack of interest in her concerns, lack of respect, indeed contempt; the infidelities, not alerting the OP that he was being treated for an STI potentially putting her sexual health at risk etc. The husband is actively goading the OP and revelling in his power over her, saying if you 'have your doubts walk away', while asserting his power by rubbing her chin, knowing full well he's got her trapped with no money of her own, no job, away from her support network.

Violent resistance to an emotional or physical abuser is a different scenario to an abuser who justifies violence against a physically weaker person by blaming them for bringing out 'the worst' in him.

I think the OP is like a trapped animal attacking the keeper who won't let her out of her cage, and keeps prodding her with a stick.

That said OP you really must knock it on the head because he's clearly highly manipulative and he could try to use it against you in divorce. As it stands he has no proof, and you really need to keep it that way.