Should I end it?

[CandyJournal]

I am a married parent of 3 although I have always felt like a single parent, me and DH have been married for a number of years, he lives with us and works long hours 9-7 Mon-Sat he does not do anything to contribute to our family, all I ask for him is to take our youngest son to school a few days a week as he is already tucked up in bed asleep by the time he gets home from work, he always makes out as if me asking him to do this is way too much.

He has been unfaithful in the past when me and him were going through a rough patch, but we managed to work together and get through it.

The intimacy between me and him is just not there anymore and it hasn't been for three months, every night I am going to bed alone whilst he stays downstairs watching television. On Thursday we were both in the kitchen he went upstairs leaving his phone it flashed.

I regret doing this but I went over to it and picked it up there was a text from a ladies name reading "Thanks for today Xx" his phone has a privacy pin on it so I couldn't unlock it to see if there was any text history between him and this lady, I haven't confronted him about it because it will only push him away, if he doesn't want to tell me something he wont, this is all eating me up inside, he is a very smug and cocky man and on a few occasions I have attacked him.

The text message could by all means be innocent. But there is something in my head that is telling me that something is going on.

What would you do? And thanks for reading :)

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - Thank you so much for understanding everything I have written, it's so easy for people to say I need to leave when they aren't in my position, the only time this will end is when me and him are divorced. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be in this position.

[MistressDeeCee]

Yes, OP would have been torn to shreds had she been a man saying he beats his wife. & thats quite right. Its unacceptable. I still don't think its right for you to attack your husband, OP. But I understand why, because he is being aggressive to you in a terrible way. Nobody here is saying its easy for you to leave - people arent that silly or blase - theyre saying it in response to your situation, and because its the truth that leaving is your best option. Albeit its up to you and what you feel you can take. My feeling is: NO man is worth living life this type of life for. It'd be hard to manage life without him, you say...but it doesnt sound as if you can manage life WITH him. Its no way to live. If leaving isnt an option I can only say however you do it, if its even at all possible, then you have to become immune to his abuse. Or like many who say they wont leave, you'll end up old and looking back down your years in regret

[CandyJournal]

MistressDeeCee - Yes leaving is my best option I have come to the conclusion that I can leave but I'd only be able to take my youngest with me, my other children have got their own minds and they wont want to leave the environment they are in now. But I would feel terrible leaving them and I don't know how the pair of them will react to this.

I am already immune to his abuse this is something that has been going on for years on and off. When he is nice he is really nice, he has it in him to be that nice, caring man.

The best I can do is when he does decide to make an appearance is tell him that I am not happy and ask him for a divorce, which he probably won't agree to, but I will ask him to leave. Do you think it would be a good idea to call his bluff and say if he doesn't leave I will leave, leaving the children with him.

I am really stuck and will take on board all suggestions.

[Twinklestein]

I think you should end the relationship, but before doing so you need to talk to a solicitor so you know exactly where you stand legally. DH will try and bully and intimidate you so you need to know your rights etc

As the primary carer with an Asperger's child, it's possible that you might be awarded the house until they're 18, for example, and if that's a possibility then it would be worth staying put and not disturbing your son.
That's assuming DH does not become too objectionable, however, which is highly possible if he feels his control over you is slipping.

I'm not a lawyer, so I cannot give you informed advice, I would ask on the legal forum, and go see a good family solicitor to know exactly what's what. You could call Women's Aid and ask for the details of solicitors who are used to dealing with da.

[CandyJournal]

TwinkleStein - I wish I would have read this sooner, H returned home this evening he is still here, I tried speaking to him, I was very calm and spoke nicely I told him I am unhappy and that I think it would best if we separated meaning that he goes and lives somewhere else. His response was he doesn't care if I am unhappy he only cares whether the children are unhappy or not, he said that he is not leaving as this is his home and for me saying I want him to leave, he doesn't want me living here anymore and he wants me gone no longer than Monday so start packing and all 3 children are to stay here because I can't be trusted, He then finished things off by telling me my presence is irritating him and that he is going upstairs and that I can sleep downstairs.

[Dahlen]

Oh Candy - I'm sorry he's being such a cold arse about all this. [sad[

This is all bluster. He knows you won't leave your DC and he would last probably all of 5 minutes if you did, since men like your H don't want to do the day-in-day-out hard work of parenting (particularly with a child with SN), they just want the fun bits so and the moral superiority they think comes with bankrolling it so that they can paint themselves as perfect fathers.

Unfortunately, I wouldn't advise you to call his bluff and leave because in doing so you would lose a lot of rights over the house, etc. But I want you to recognise his behaviour for what it is - bullying. None of what he says means anything.

Please go and see a solicitor as soon as you can. Or check out the legal/divorce boards. Are you sure you can't confide in your DM? While she may not be able to stop herself saying "I told you so" if she loves you I'm sure her first instinct would be to support you. is there anyone else you can lean on?

[Only1scoop]

Candy, am so sorry this is awful. I personally wouldn't do the calling the bluff.... it's backfired on me in the past and I would worry for you.
Get as much legal info as possible from your friend. He sounds awful. Whatever happens, however much he pushes your buttons try not to react as this could be what he wants.

When he stays away....where does he go?

Compile a file....savings, pensions, title deeds, anything financial or linked to assets.

Someone with far more knowledge and experience of this will be along I'm sure. I'm thinking of you x

[NakedTigarCub]

I would pack a bag and leave now, leaving my phone behind and taking half of the money in the joint account.

Then go see a lawyer asap.

[CandyJournal]

Dahlen - My DM hates my H he has never faced her because he knows that she knows what he is like, she is a very good judge of character. If I was to call now she wouldn't be interested in what he has done, she'd just tell me to go there, she has made clear that she doesn't want to know or talk about him and as long as he doesn't put his hands on me, she's not involving herself.

I have a few good friends that I can lean on but I'm not in the position to go and see them now, my youngest son tends to wake up in the middle of the night and if I'm not there it will start him off. He is a very emotional and sensitive child.

[CandyJournal]

Only1scoop - I have no idea where he goes when he stays away, I don't ask him.

NakedTigarCub - It is impossible for me to leave tonight please bear in mind I have 3 children and one with SN

[NakedTigarCub]

You are being emotionally and financaly abused.

Forget the house, you need to save your children and your sanity.

You can go on holiday for aweek without moveing out of your home, right?

[Twinklestein]

I'm sorry OP, I wasn't online.

It's no disaster that you've told him, it doesn't really make any difference, the important thing is to get on and get legal advice ASAP.

Totally agree with dahlen, his line is bullshit. It's not his house, it's the family home. You are not leaving your house, apart from anything, he works 7 days a week and there would be no-one to look after the children.
He thinks he can bully you, but you have rights, you need to stand firm.

I also agree I wouldn't try to call his bluff, partly because he will know that you would loath to move your Asperger's son, and he use it to manipulate you. You need to be in the house to have access to all important documents.

From now on, make it clear you are not leaving, beyond that don't engage with him at all if you can avoid it.

[Twinklestein]

I meant to say, as regards the solicitor, call Women's Aid this evening to get get details of solicitors used to da situations. And you can get advice from them as well as regards the break up.

Remember, if DH kicks off at any point, you can call he police.

[NakedTigarCub]

If you cant leave you need to start fighting back by seeing a lawyer and sending him the legal documents to split.

Sleep downstairs but make that appointment tomoro first thing

[CandyJournal]

NakedTigarCub - Yes I can which I am preparing my youngest for, I need to speak to the school tomorrow about him having time off, my eldest are not going to obey they will say they are staying home

TwinkleStein - He doesn't kick off he never has, I wish I could push him to it, but it isn't going to happen.

[CandyJournal]

NakedTigarCub - I will make an appointment with the solicitors tomorrow.

[NakedTigarCub]

Also call womens aid and the CAB in the morning when your husband is not there.

[NakedTigarCub]

Once he relises he has lost control of you he may well 'kick off'

[Twinklestein]

When I say kick off I don't mean physically, I mean bullying, aggression, verbal abuse etc.

He has already to a certain extent, and I don't know how what he's capable of.

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - Ok sorry for misunderstanding I am feeling really upset at the moment, I wish this wasn't happening to me.

[Twinklestein]

Can you call a friend? Otherwise call Women's Aid.

I'm really sorry, I'm going to have to go OP, I have to make a work call to Australia.

With regards to the earlier advice to stay put in your home. You have the right to stay, and if you think you can tough it out with DH, then ok. It may be that if you stand firm on not leaving he may back down. But he is a nasty abusive man, and if he gets too nasty (and he may well do because he knows that might get rid of you), call the police. If he mounts a sustained campaign of nastiness, it's not worth the risk your and your children's wellbeing to put up with it. In that scenario I would leave with all 3 kids and go to your mum's if you can, failing that, a refuge.

It would be optimum to take important legal and financial documents with you (or copies thereof), your solicitor can tell you precisely what they will need for the divorce etc.

[Greedylittlehamster]

Candy - I usually lurk but feel I would like to post to support you.

I was in a similar situation 2 years ago and Mumsnet helped me so much. It is not easy to just leave. It took me 3 years of living in misery with him before I went but I regret not doing it sooner. It had devastating consequences on my 2 DCs mental health and school performance. It also took its toll on my health.

I received a lot of legal advice during that time. Please do not leave without your children. This could seriously reduce your chances of residence if you want them living with you later. I understand that your older children might not want to leave. My older DS would certainly have stayed with XH had the choice been his Dad or a hostel. I was fortunate in that I only had to leave to live with a friend for 2 weeks and then managed to get back into the house because DH had done something very threatening - so I went through the court to remove him. As you are not in this position, it is likely that you will have to stay living in the house with him whilst pursuing the divorce. My friend has just been through this process and toughed it out but is now divorced and nicely settled in her own place, free of him. As her DS chose to stay with his Dad, she had to move out but was awarded 50% of the house to do so (her XH was a high income earner and she does not work, so she needed a share to buy herself somewhere to live).

As the main carer and not working, you may well be granted the right to stay in the house until the youngest is 18 (as mentioned by an earlier poster). If, like me, the house has a lot of equity and the sale of the house could free up capital for you both to put towards buying a house/accommodation, you may need to sell it as part of the divorce. In any case, you are likely to be entitled to 50% of all marital assets if not more. I went on a DV "freedom programme" and so many of the women on the course seemed to give up on their right to a share of the martial home and money because they couldn't face the battle for their entitlement. It left them in a very weak position financially.

I am not a solicitor but this was the advice that I was given as I went through the process. Most family law experts will offer you a 30 minutes to one hour legal appointment. I arranged and went to these with 4 separate solicitors. I went armed with questions to make the most of my free time with them. Most saw me for longer at no extra charge. I came out of these meetings knowing exactly what i should do. I then picked the solicitor I felt I could work with best. If you have no or little income and little savings, you should be entitled to legal aid. Again, you need to discuss this at your free legal meetings. Go to the meetings with your financial information so they can calculate your legal aid entitlement while you are there.

You seem to feel that leaving him is your best option but I guess you need the support to work out how. I really hope you find the strength to carry on what you have started and free yourself as your life could be so much better and don't forget the effect that the atmosphere in the house is having on your kids.

[CandyJournal]

Greedylittlehamster - Thanks for replying, I am going to go to a good solicitor and get the ball rolling, I want this to stop ASAP. H is a very high earner he owns and sells numerous amount of apartments so any money I use he defiently won't miss. In the mean while I am just going to stay here and not let him get to me I am not following his request and leaving, if he is really that irritated by my presence as he says he can leave.

[shey02]

Candy, you are seeming tougher and stronger as this post goes on. Don't leave, just try to follow the advice you are being given and due process will follow..... He is a bully and clearly would be overjoyed for you to walk out right now, don't give him the satisfaction. Go legal, don't engage him in anything at the moment, gather your paperwork and emergency money and get all the advice you can from MN and other charities, womens aid, etc. and if at all it goes nasy, police. This is horrible but as the previous poster said you will get there in the end.

[CandyJournal]

Shey02 - It is going to be hard for me not to engage with him as we live under the same room, yesterday I was forced to sleep downstairs I won't allow that to happen tonight. I have booked an appointment at the solicitors for tomorrow. Right now I feel so weak but I WILL hold it together for the kids sake, hopefully I'll be able take a break this weekend with my youngest I don't know how I am going to tell my other two though, I don't want my daughter worrying as she just wants everyone to be happy.