Should I end it?

[CandyJournal]

I am a married parent of 3 although I have always felt like a single parent, me and DH have been married for a number of years, he lives with us and works long hours 9-7 Mon-Sat he does not do anything to contribute to our family, all I ask for him is to take our youngest son to school a few days a week as he is already tucked up in bed asleep by the time he gets home from work, he always makes out as if me asking him to do this is way too much.

He has been unfaithful in the past when me and him were going through a rough patch, but we managed to work together and get through it.

The intimacy between me and him is just not there anymore and it hasn't been for three months, every night I am going to bed alone whilst he stays downstairs watching television. On Thursday we were both in the kitchen he went upstairs leaving his phone it flashed.

I regret doing this but I went over to it and picked it up there was a text from a ladies name reading "Thanks for today Xx" his phone has a privacy pin on it so I couldn't unlock it to see if there was any text history between him and this lady, I haven't confronted him about it because it will only push him away, if he doesn't want to tell me something he wont, this is all eating me up inside, he is a very smug and cocky man and on a few occasions I have attacked him.

The text message could by all means be innocent. But there is something in my head that is telling me that something is going on.

What would you do? And thanks for reading :)

[TalisaMaegyr]

What a prick Giving you £50 like it's some sort of a favour....

[CandyJournal]

TalisaMaegyr - Exactly, that's for petrol money.

[Lweji]

Get evidence of how much he left on the joint account. As you were left with the children, he has left you with virtually no means of supporting them. It will look nice on a custody dispute.

How old is your daughter? You may not be able to force her to stay with you, actually.
I really advise you to act cool on this, even though he's being a prat.
The violence for starters was not helpful and a major over reaction. Thread very carefully, it may well backfire on you.

[CandyJournal]

Lweji - I have the statement he has done this because he doesn't want me accessing any money, no doubt will he support the children.

My Daughter is 14 with a very older mature mind, she is NOT going to live with him, she is only 14 I am her mother she will be staying here. I agree with what you say about the violence but he drove me to it, I will try and keep my cool.

[therewearethen]

Did you look into getting the DC birth certificates? At least with them you can apply for tax credits and child benefit, as far as I'm aware, you can only get an application form for tax credits directly from them so it maybe worth ringing them today to have one posted out. It took an age for mine to arrive when I had to re-apply due to a change. This is their number 0345 300 3900, they'll need some basic income info in order to send the pack out.

For child benefit you can print a form out and post it off www.hmrc.gov.uk/childbenefit/start/claiming/how-to-claim.htm

I can't believe he's cleared the account, twat! Gather any info and evidence together, and keep all texts etc.

[CandyJournal]

Therewearethen - I don't have a penny at the moment all I have is the £50 for petrol I need to fill up the tank on the way to get my youngest from school. I have already gathered up things that I will be taking to sell. I will call that number, as for Hs income he owns and sells apartments from 300k upwards. BASTARD!! Sorry I shouldn't swear.

[Twinklestein]

OP, as your daughter is 14 I would tell her the truth: that her father has got OW pregnant, who was apparently unaware that he was married with a family, that he's shut down your bank account so that you have no access to money, and you're having to sell stuff.

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - I didn't want it to come to this but I will tell her when she comes home from school, I will be telling my eldest son also. I don't know how she is going to react to this. He will probably deny it all and say that I am making it up.

[Lweji]

I agree with what you say about the violence but he drove me to it, I will try and keep my cool

Sorry, but you must be very clear in your mind that he did not drive you to it!

You woke him up with violence, you left him bleeding and you are not sorry for that.

As much sympathy I have for you, you should be very clear about that.

And be very careful about how you thread with a 14 year old.
He is her father, as much as you are her mother, and she would be heard by a court.

[TalisaMaegyr]

Lweji has it completely right on all counts.

[CandyJournal]

Lweji - I know :( everything you have all said is true. If the OW wouldn't have called and told me she has been with him for 11 months and is pregnant I wouldn't have felt the need to attack him, yes I know I am wrong for that. And in regards to the children I want to keep it out of court.

[TalisaMaegyr]

The thing is though Candy - if she decides she wants to go to live with her Dad for a while - you would have little power to stop that, at 14. You need to talk to her properly.

[CandyJournal]

TalisaMaegyr - She only wants to go and stay with him so that he is not alone, she fully well knows the hours he works, I don't know why she is doing this. And once I have told her what he has been up to I doubt she will want to go and stay with him.

[Twinklestein]

I'd be very surprised if you manage to keep this out of court OP, given your husband's shenanigans. Everything you do from now on should be with one eye on a potential court case.

I do not judge you in the slightest, but I agree with Lweji that you need to take more responsibility for attacking your husband. It wasn't the other woman calling that caused you to attack him, but your own lack of self control. If you are not honest with yourself about this, you're more likely to do it again. And I'm concerned that you don't jeopardise your custody of the children.

[towicymru]

As hard as it is, I wou;dn't stop your 14 year old DD from going if that is what she has decided. It will only make you the enemy in her eyes. Do as a previous poster said and tell her that you will always be there for her and love her.

My money is on your H not wanting DD to go live with him but is predicting your reaction so you will come off looking like the made controlling one and he is the hero who would have let her live with him had it been his choice. I think it is highly likely that either your H will have to come up with some story as to why she can't live with him (sleeping on a mates floor etc) or she will go and hate living with OW or if he is on his own, DD will hate having to be on her own & responsible for cooking, cleaning etc.

I also wouldn't tell your DC about the OW & pregnancy. You don't have any evidence to prove you are telling the truth and H might use it to prove to DC you are unhinged. Let him tell them.

As hard as it is with your DD, you need to let her go. Just make sure she knows that if she goes, the door is always open with no questions or recrriminations.

[towicymru]

Apologies for typos!

[sykadelic]

I agree with the others that you need to be careful here with telling the kids about it.

What if it was all part of his plan? What if it is ONLY just an affair and the woman freaked out when you answered the phone and claimed to be pregnant but she's not? You would look like you're trying to alienate the kids.

If you DO want to tell them, then I suggest that you also tell them that you don't know whether it's true or not but that you think they deserve to know. If it's not true and it's part of some ploy, you could look bad.

If you decide not to tell her, just tell her that right now is not the time to go with her dad. He needs time to find a proper safe place for the kids and if she wants to live with him once he's settled then that you'll talk about it.

[Twinklestein]

If it's part of some 'plan' on the part of the husband, then he is the one who is going to look bad. I don't think he's that bright tbh, and if you were into planning you wouldn't get one woman knocked up before you'd separated from the other one...

But I agree it would be sensible to tell the children that the OP has no idea whether it's true.

If a child is old enough to determine where to live, then they're old enough to know what's going on.

[CandyJournal]

Evening

I didn't manage to speak to my eldest two as my youngest child cried from the minute right until I put him to bed, when my daughter got home she wanted to know why her dad didn't take her bags, I said to her if you want to go and live with your dad call him now and tell him to come and get you (as advised by many of you in this thread) in which she did, I don't know the exact time he come for her because I was upstairs trying to settle my youngest, but she has gone. I don't know where he has taken her to and where the both of them will be living, my head is just hurting right now.

Skydelic & Twinklestein in regards to the OW I don't know what is going on and I don't really want to know just anger at the fact that he preferred to go and sleep in another womans bed when he had 3 children at home. And he hasn't even justified himself.

[Lweji]

Hugs.

Hopefully your DD will go back. When you speak to her, you can tell her that you miss her and you want her to be with you. But be careful, because it is a huge burden for children to have to choose. She is a good girl who felt sorry for him, so support her in any way you can and still be her mum.

It is still very early days.
I would suggest 50-50 share so that she spends time with both of you equally.

[CandyJournal]

Lweji - She has been very selfish this evening, my youngest son has autism they are very close, when he wakes up in the morning he is going to ask for her because she is always there when he wakes up, she is not aware of what she has done. And I don't think she'll return, she's always stuck by her dad and me saying I miss her and want her to come home is not going to make her come home, and I wouldn't be surprised if H doesn't allow her to come and visit

[Twinklestein]

It may be that your daughter has picked up on your husband's mistreatment of you, not necessarily consciously, and her loyalty to him is borne of self-preservation, to keep on his good side. She probably senses that the power is on his side.

Children can be loyal to the most abusive of parents out of traumatic bonding.

Alternatively, she may feel he is the more permissive parent and she'll get a better deal with him. But she'll miss home and her siblings. And her washing won't get done. And her dad will be out a lot. So, this may not be for long, try not to get too upset about it now...

[Lweji]

What Twinkle said.

If you manage to be the bigger person, and in this case point out that her brother needs her more than her father, it might just work.

If there is no contact, then I'd ask for legal advice.

But let things settle a bit first. Teenagers tend to be difficult at the best of times.

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - It may be that your daughter has picked up on your husband's mistreatment of you, not necessarily consciously, and her loyalty to him is borne of self-preservation, to keep on his good side. She probably senses that the power is on his side

EXACTLY and I don't know why H has even agreed to have her in his care he will only neglect her. It's just ridiculous!

Lweji - If she cared about her brother as much as she shows she cares about him, she wouldn't have left him, he is going to think it is his fault, I'd actually prefer if she didn't come back.

[Lweji]

Seriously, don't take it on your DD.