Should I end it?

[CandyJournal]

I am a married parent of 3 although I have always felt like a single parent, me and DH have been married for a number of years, he lives with us and works long hours 9-7 Mon-Sat he does not do anything to contribute to our family, all I ask for him is to take our youngest son to school a few days a week as he is already tucked up in bed asleep by the time he gets home from work, he always makes out as if me asking him to do this is way too much.

He has been unfaithful in the past when me and him were going through a rough patch, but we managed to work together and get through it.

The intimacy between me and him is just not there anymore and it hasn't been for three months, every night I am going to bed alone whilst he stays downstairs watching television. On Thursday we were both in the kitchen he went upstairs leaving his phone it flashed.

I regret doing this but I went over to it and picked it up there was a text from a ladies name reading "Thanks for today Xx" his phone has a privacy pin on it so I couldn't unlock it to see if there was any text history between him and this lady, I haven't confronted him about it because it will only push him away, if he doesn't want to tell me something he wont, this is all eating me up inside, he is a very smug and cocky man and on a few occasions I have attacked him.

The text message could by all means be innocent. But there is something in my head that is telling me that something is going on.

What would you do? And thanks for reading :)

[CandyJournal]

I now have my daughter at home with me, I went to get her and my son from school at 2oclock this afternoon, now my daughter is worried about what her dad will think. If he comes round here I am calling the police

[CandyJournal]

Granville72 - Not unless he has told her.

[Granville72]

Is your daughter aware of the OW and I wonder how she'd feel if she knew her Daddy wasn't so alone

[CandyJournal]

I have spoken to his dad, he was upset that I didn't call him and speak to him sooner, I left out him getting another woman pregnant because I didn't want to embarrass H like that. He said he will support me and the children financially as H is no longer doing his job.

My daughter rang me crying late morning, she said that she only left to go with her dad because she didn't want him to be alone, and that she misses me and her two brothers, the reason she wouldnt answer the phone is because she felt embarrassed for what she has done. Her and her dad are living in one of the apartments, he has sorted out another mini cab service to take her too and from school the reason she hasn't attended some days is because she feels upset. She kept apologising for leaving and she didn't know that her dad was coming to take my youngest son on Saturday, she said that she tells her dad she misses her little brother everyday and that she wants to call him, but he said he don't think it's the right thing to do. He has also told her that I don't love her and if I did I wouldn't have let her go so easily.

She said she wanted to come back the day after she left and she wants to come home, but she doesn't want to upset her dad :( I've asked her to tell me where she is and I'll come and get her but she won't tell me because she doesn't want to upset him.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Call his dad.

Stop contact completely - he is not willing to co-parent, he is not willing to communicate with you, he is not willing to put the children first but is using them to harass you. Was it goodfor your youngest to be taken off for the day not knowing what was happening? No.

Refuse all contact and go via solicitor telling him it's up to him to take it to court.

Don't worry. He's just trying his ABSOLUTE hardest to get to you, because as I said he's LOSING. He's lost power. He doesn't care about your son - give him a year, he won't even be in touch, I'll bet. It's all about you - frightening you, controlling you.

Cut him off and tell him that as he cannot communicate with you in a mature way regarding care and access, sadly it's going to have to go to court as you will no longer allow him contact without a court order as you now fearthat he will permanently abduct the children.

He's getting really deperate isn't he!!

[CandyJournal]

I've really has enough I am calling Hs dad, I am not living like this anymore.

[CandyJournal]

HoneyandRum - Just the way I have been treated in the past by friends, I am a good person but people always take advantage and I forgive very easily. Thanks for helping me through this.

Just feeling depressed right now.

[haveyourselfashandy]

Glad your ds is ok,am sorry you're not.I understand you saying that about your "friends".I've had that before,when I was going through a shitty time a certain friend of mine could barely contain her glee!
It says more about them than you and like Honey sais,there are some beautiful people out there
and now you are rid of your H,in time you can go find them.
I don't know what else to say apart from you sound like such a strong woman and you will win this.I say win because all your H wants is a fight,if you show as little emotion as possible he will soon give up.That's what bullies do when they see they don't cause a reaction anymore.

[TalisaMaegyr]

I agree with Honey - there are loads of good people. You need to retune your radar a bit.

[HoneyandRum]

There are still plenty of wonderful people in the world, I find them everywhere and I have lived in three countries. I think Candy you may need to fine tune your discernment to recognize these people. You seem to have very low, or almost no expectations of finding love and kindness in people around you. Find new friends!

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - because they have never been helpful in the past, you must understand that people aren't nice these days,

[Twinklestein]

Why would your friends be 'glad'? Either you have misread them, or they're glad that the relationship will be over soon, or they're not your friends...

[CandyJournal]

Haveyourselfashandy - I'm not okay my DS is fine though, he came back in a new set of clothes so obviously this was planned, yes I have been to see my solicitor.

HoneyandRum - I have told the school that she is with him, I have told some of my friends in real life but they aren't being that helpful, I get the impression that they are glad that this is happening to me, reason why I turned to mumsnet

[HoneyandRum]

Great advice about the dd shandy. Candy be sure to let the school know she is still with her dad, in case her absence continues.

What a stressful time you are having. Do you have any friends in RL you can confide in?

[haveyourselfashandy]

Hi Candy,first of all I think you're doing amazing.I hope your ok and that your ds is also.I just wanted to say one thing,stop contacting your dd.She will be enjoying the drama of it all and will soon get bored with no reaction,step back and detach.Are you going to see a solicitor?

[CandyJournal]

He has bought him back, with no expanation what so ever.

[Lweji]

Why don't you try the local DV unit at the police?

I'd be worried too if anyone took my DS away from home without telling me where, particularly in the circumstances.
I am surprised the police dismissed it like that.

[CandyJournal]

HoneyandRum - I'll call my solicitor tomorrow and ask. In regards to tracking my daughters phone I don't really know much about technology her dad is the bill payer, I am so worried!

[HoneyandRum]

I have no experience with marriage breakups but I imagine the best thing to do is get to a lawyer first thing on Monday and see what can be done to prevent this kind of emotional abuse. Can the divorce be initiated immediately for example? I hope someone with more experience and knowledge comes by soon. Do you have any way of tracing her phone geographically to see where she is?

[CandyJournal]

He still hasn't bought back my son, he and my daughters phones are now on but they won't answer. This is a game to them.

[CandyJournal]

HoneyandRum - Yes I was hoping he'd bring him back I thought he might have taken him to the shop or somewhere, I didn't think he'd do something like this. I called the police, I ended up putting the phone down on them. They said but you and him are married, it is not an abduction, is your husband dangerous? If you didn't trust him why did you leave him in the room with your son?

And yes he will make out I am an unfit mother or he will say I said that he could take him, and probably get my 7 year old to lie for him. I know he will probably bring him back first thing in the morning but there is no excuse for what he has done, my daughter probably told him to come and get him and bring him to wherever the pair of them are staying. H has not got the patience to deal with my sons disorder.

[HoneyandRum]

Why did you wait so long if this happened this morning? Were you hoping he'd bring DS back? It's important that a third party (in this case police) has a record of what is happening as he clearly would throw you under the bus (metaphorically) and maybe try and make out you are an unfit mother or something.

[CandyJournal]

HoneyandRum - That's right I don't know where they are, I never thought H would do something like this. I know my youngest son isn't in any danger, but he hasn't got any clothes or anything with him and he would have gotten upset near to bed time as I'm not there to out him to bed. I know you don't mean it in a sarcastic way it is true what you are saying. I will give the police a call now, thanks for replying.

Only god knows what I'll do to him when he brings my son back.

[HoneyandRum]

So now you don't know where two of your children are? Can you call the police? What can they do? I don't mean this in a sarcastic way - I'm just not sure what they can do if the children are with their father and you are still married. I would call them and ask them what can be done, tell them your DS has SN. I'm so sorry you are going through this, he clearly cannot be trusted. Don't leave it until tomorrow.

[CandyJournal]

H turned up early this morning, I asked him what he wanted and where was my daughter , he just said she is okay and that said he had come to take my youngest son for the weekend he kept smirking I didn't want to lose my temper because I know that is what he wanted, I told him that he is not taking my youngest son anywhere he asked if he could spend a few hours with him in the house I said just half an hour because we are going out (which was a lie) I just wanted him to go, he sat watching television with my youngest son. I went upstairs just couldn't bare to be in the same room as him, I went back downstairs about 10 minutes later to find the both of them not there, I looked outside and he car was gone, I have been trying to call both him and my daughter but both phones are switch off, can someone please tell me if I should call the police or do you think I should leave it until tomorrow? Please help