Should I end it?

[CandyJournal]

I am a married parent of 3 although I have always felt like a single parent, me and DH have been married for a number of years, he lives with us and works long hours 9-7 Mon-Sat he does not do anything to contribute to our family, all I ask for him is to take our youngest son to school a few days a week as he is already tucked up in bed asleep by the time he gets home from work, he always makes out as if me asking him to do this is way too much.

He has been unfaithful in the past when me and him were going through a rough patch, but we managed to work together and get through it.

The intimacy between me and him is just not there anymore and it hasn't been for three months, every night I am going to bed alone whilst he stays downstairs watching television. On Thursday we were both in the kitchen he went upstairs leaving his phone it flashed.

I regret doing this but I went over to it and picked it up there was a text from a ladies name reading "Thanks for today Xx" his phone has a privacy pin on it so I couldn't unlock it to see if there was any text history between him and this lady, I haven't confronted him about it because it will only push him away, if he doesn't want to tell me something he wont, this is all eating me up inside, he is a very smug and cocky man and on a few occasions I have attacked him.

The text message could by all means be innocent. But there is something in my head that is telling me that something is going on.

What would you do? And thanks for reading :)

[shey02]

I guess just meaning in not too confrontational a way, not until you have more structure/options in place. You are holding it together, you're doing a great job. Thinking of you. Hugs.

[CandyJournal]

Morning

I am feeling ashamed and disgusted in myself this morning, me and H had sex early hours of this morning, it just happened I didn't realise what I had gone and done until it was over. This morning he has been a complete and utter nuisance, telling me that he is sorry and we can get through this together, I asked him about the text message he told me it was one was of his clients, she was upset and he listened to her, which is a lie because he isn't the type to listen to other people's problems, he said the last time he slept with someone was when me and him were on a "break" which I know is a lie,

I was going into the bathroom to have a shower, he asked me if I wanted any help, when I came out his sat in the bedroom I told him to get out, he said he wants to help me moisturise my body, so I had to go back in the bathroom to get ready, he just wouldn't leave me alone and to finish it off he wanted to help me tie up my hair. Thank god that he has gone to work

My youngest son woke up this morning sobbing, H didn't do anything to comfort him, I just didn't have the patience this morning, so I have kept him off with me. He is still upset I've asked him to come and sit with me for cuddles but he won't come to me or speak to me.

H texted me a few minutes ago 'I love you' I can't visit the solicitors today as I've got my youngest son so I will call and rebook. This is all a game to him. I just have a sickly feeling inside.

[CandyJournal]

Shey02 - Thanks for thinking of me, I see your message after my last post.

[Twinklestein]

Hey Candy, don't be so hard on yourself, these things happen.

His change of tune is textbook - he's pushed you so far that you want to leave, so now he's being nicey nicey to get you back under control. Initiating sex is all part of that.

You're a absolutely right this is just a game. The lies and manipulation continue.

It might be easier to backtrack from the separation for a while to put him off the scent to buy time to get to the solicitor. But play it how you feel is best for you. If he's going to be all over you, do what you need to.

It might be a good idea to give Woman's Aid a call, if you haven't already, to get some advice on dealing with him.

Greedyhamster's post gives excellent advice.

((Hugs))

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - I do defiently need advice in how to deal with him! he has been texting me throughout the morning as if me and him are happily married, he has said he is coming home early so me and him can go and eat I replied back 'No thank you' I know when he comes home tonight he is going to be the same, which will probably cause me to have an outburst I am so angry with myself right now, I let slip that I am taking my youngest away for a few days, he has told me to put it on hold until half term and he will book somewhere nice for me and all my children to go to. I get the impression that he wants us out of the way.

He is so manipulative it's unreal :(

[Twinklestein]

I would give yourself a break: forgive yourself and stop being angry with yoruself. You're in a very difficult situation. It's really important that you do not physically attack your husband in the coming weeks, because he could use it against you as regards custody. So calm down, be nice to yourself.

As regards his offer of a holiday for you and the kids, I suspect he wants you out the way to get at and hide details of his finances if it comes to a split.

Personally, in your situation, if you can possibly face staying in the house, I would put off your trip with your son. I would see a solicitor and spend the time your husband is at work collating info on his finances and gathering important documents. You say he's a high earner and owns numerous properties - you need details of his different bank accounts, salary, rental income, mortgages, deeds, other investments such as shares etc.

Your husband is financially abusive, despite the fact he provides well for you, as he won't let you work, which means you don't have your own money. I therefore infer he will be as big an arsehole as it is possible to be as regards finances, so you need to be one step ahead.

You could start a thread today on the legal forum today so you can get a rough idea of where you're headed.

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - My son hasn't asked anymore about the trip and hopefully he won't so I can stay home. All H's details and documents are locked in the safe and all bank statements are paperless, he has a few bank accounts but we only share one which is the account in which the children's school fees come out of and direct debits.

I am aware that he is financially abusive :( something that I can't get out of, I'm 35 and I haven't for anything to show for it, I feel pregnant in my first year or Uni so I never got to pursue my career. I just feel like I am trapped.

Thanks ever so much for listening to me.

[Twinklestein]

No worries, I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

If you have no access to his financial affairs, then it would be sensible to find a solicitor who works with forensic accountants. Given the financial abuse I would really recommend Women's Aid, and ask them for details of solicitors specialising in da.

0808 2000 247

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - I do want to call WomensAid but I feel like I am the abuser. Not sure whether it would be right to tell them about the violence towards him. When he finds out what I am doing it will do everything to make sure I get the minimal out or him, I am still going ahead with it though.

[Twinklestein]

WA will completely understand what is going on in your relationship and the context in which the violence occurred. They will be supportive and understanding. Believe me. Please don't let that put you off calling.

You are not the abuser, anyone can see that, and they will see it immediately. You are fighting back against a controlling bully.

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - I will give them a call tomorrow

[CandyJournal]

Morning

I just need some advice in what to do after the latest events, 1pm this morning H's phone kept on flashing whilst he was asleep, the lights were off in our room so I could see the light as it flashed, he is a deep sleeper, I got out of bed and walked round to his bed side cabinet, the lock was on the phone, I tried unlocking it, after 3 attempts it said try again in 60 minutes, then a the same ladies name flashed up, I answered. I asked why she was calling my Hs number at this time of the night, she sounded surprised and said 'you're husband? He isn't married me and him have been together for 11 months and we are expecting a baby together' I told her that he was asleep next to me, she said 'you wish' then put the phone down.

I literally slapped him out of his sleep (I don't regret it) I told him that she'd called and what she had said, his reply is that she is obsessed and she won't leave me alone. I caught him in his face with my nail, he has drew blood, he calmly went downstairs just before 6 this morning he has come in the bedroom to get his clothes for today, the cut on his face is pretty deep, he told me that he is not having it anymore and that he is going to the police station to report me, and how he won't be a victim of my abuse anymore, and if it was the other way round he'd be in prison.

He also said that he wants me out of the house by 2oclock and that all 3 children are to stay off school today, he left the house at 7 this morning, my daughter come down stairs and told me that her dad called her and said that her and her brother must stay off school today, I told her that she is to go to school but she is following her dads instructions.

He has told me that he will give me the divorce and that he is going to speak to the solicitors after he finishes with the police, he said that he will be taking custody of the 3 children and he will make sure that I don't get a penny from him and he is freezing the joint bank account and from now on he will only provide for the children.

Please advise me what to do today, there's a part of me that he telling me he is trying to call my bluff, and another part of me that tells me he is deadly serious, he has evidence that I have attacked him, can you report someone to the police without getting them arrested? Please answer ASAP

[bragmatic]

You must see a solicitor today. TODAY. Make it happen.

[bragmatic]

And you absolutely cannot be violent to him again. No matter how much you want to.

He's probably gone to see his other woman.

[CandyJournal]

Bragmatic - Thanks for taking the time out and replying, what do I say when I go and see the solicitor? He just brings out the worst in me, I do hope that he has gone to see his other woman, and not reported me to the police, I have locked and bolted the door so if they come they can't get in. My mind is all over the place.

[bragmatic]

Locking the door will do you no favours.


Even better, just don't be there. I feel sure he's gone to see this other woman to smooth things over, anyway.

Say this to the solicitor:
"Last night I answered my husbands phone while he was sleeping and spoke with a woman who had no idea I existed, and who tells me she is pregnant with his child. I confronted him. I slapped him. He has told me he is reporting me to the police and will divorce me and leave me with no financial support and take the children. Please help me."

That's a good start. GO NOW!! JUST GO!

[shey02]

Candy, you really must see the solicitor and make some calls to womens aid/cab. This isn't a healthy situation, try to keep calm and, if you can accept that your marriage is over, make plans for the divorce.

He can say what he wants, he can threaten all he likes. Clearly you have both made mistakes, but he has to provide for you and the children in the event of the divorce. It's tough times ahead, but no more clingining on and feeling out of control. Show him calm, cold, decisive.

[Only1scoop]

Op agree with brag.
Time to arm yourself with as much legal advice as possible, as soon as you possibly can.

[CandyJournal]

Bragmatic - He has told me that he wants me out of the house by 2oclock, I am not following his instructions, I don't know who he thinks he is to tell me that I have to go by 2 o'clock

Shey02 - I do want this marriage to be over, but I am afraid that he has gone to the police and frozen the bank account, I am going call my friend who is a solicitor to see if I can drop in and see her today as she will be honest with me. In the meanwhile I will give WA a call

I think how did I get myself into all of this, and thanks again for your support you ladies are angels

[TeenyW123]

Go to the bank NOW and transfer some funds to your own account. Then you might mention that the account needs to be frozen as you're going through a vitriolic separation.

Have you got your paperwork sorted out? Passports, financials, pension etc.

Then solicitor. You were provoked. You shouldn't have been physical with him, but you have my sympathy.

He's a right bastard and you'll be better off out.

Come on Candy, take control and keep it.

[CandyJournal]

I called my friend she is in court all day today, she has said that she will help me and I can go and see her tomorrow. I also called Womans Aid the lady I spoke to was lovely and understanding she said that they can offer shelter.

TeenyW123 - I do not have access to his paper work, all I have is my own I.D he has locked all his details away. I have just tried to log onto online banking, it won't let me in I pray that this is an error, I will transfer some money to my own personal account.

[TeenyW123]

Good that you've got WA involved. They'll tell you what to do in the short term.

Keep calm. Tell some people in RL. Get some support. How old are your children? Have they gone to school?

[CandyJournal]

TeenyW123 - Just got off the phone to the bank, the reason I couldn't get into my online bank is due to fraud alert, I asked them what they meant by that they told me to speak to the other account holder about it, and also the account has been frozen. I never ever thought he'd do something like this.

If he really wants to play this game with me, I will start selling his things on, on eBay and take visits to the pawn brokers. This is obviously a game to him so I will play all day. And I won't be leaving the house by 2oclock either I am not afraid of him.

7, 14 and 15 all 3 are home today! The boys are upstairs and my daughter is being very distant with me almost like she doesn't want to speak to me.

[bragmatic]

I'd call women's aid again and ask them what can be done immediately as he has deliberately denied you access to your funds.

[Only1scoop]

Candy in an earlier post on thread you said something along lines of "he doesn't kick off I wish I could push him to it"
I'm just concerned....please please don't engage with him anymore. You and dc just need to be safe now.
Believe me, I've sought reactions in the past and it's backfired on me dreadfully.
I'm sorry if I have wrong end of stick....
Take care