Should I end it?

[CandyJournal]

I am a married parent of 3 although I have always felt like a single parent, me and DH have been married for a number of years, he lives with us and works long hours 9-7 Mon-Sat he does not do anything to contribute to our family, all I ask for him is to take our youngest son to school a few days a week as he is already tucked up in bed asleep by the time he gets home from work, he always makes out as if me asking him to do this is way too much.

He has been unfaithful in the past when me and him were going through a rough patch, but we managed to work together and get through it.

The intimacy between me and him is just not there anymore and it hasn't been for three months, every night I am going to bed alone whilst he stays downstairs watching television. On Thursday we were both in the kitchen he went upstairs leaving his phone it flashed.

I regret doing this but I went over to it and picked it up there was a text from a ladies name reading "Thanks for today Xx" his phone has a privacy pin on it so I couldn't unlock it to see if there was any text history between him and this lady, I haven't confronted him about it because it will only push him away, if he doesn't want to tell me something he wont, this is all eating me up inside, he is a very smug and cocky man and on a few occasions I have attacked him.

The text message could by all means be innocent. But there is something in my head that is telling me that something is going on.

What would you do? And thanks for reading :)

[CandyJournal]

Only1scoop - I am not doing this so he can kick off, I am upset that he is prepared to see me with nothing, u have sacrificed a lot over the years I have been with him only to be controlled and isolated. I know what I wrote may sound like I am doing this for him to kick off but I am seriously not. It's okay you don't have to apologise you have been very helpful and thanks for coming back to my post.

I have tried calling him his phone is switched off, I have called the marketing suite he is not there, so I think he must have went and reported me to the police. Or he is with this other woman.

I am not leaving the house, this is where me and the children live and I will not leave any of them behind.

I don't know how he can say he wants custody of the 3 of them, when he won't be at home to look after them.

[Twinklestein]

Hiya Candy,

1. call the police on the non emergency number 101 and ask to speak to the domestic abuse unit.
   
   Give the background:
   
   

• you're trying to leave an abusive relationship
  
• he is financially abusive, you have not been allowed to work thus have no
  

money of your own

• he has now denied you access to funds
  
• he has ordered you out, but you have no money and nowhere to go
  
• you have an ASD son
  

Tell them he will be home later and you are afraid.

If when he comes home he yells at you, call the police.

2) Call women's aid and tell the abuse is escalating and ask for their
advice.

[Twinklestein]

Always remember that what he threatens and what he is legally entitled to are completely different things.

As you're married, the marital assets will be split in the financial settlement. Custody generally goes to the primary carer, which is you.

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - I will give the police a call now, WA have offered shelter.

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - Without any money how will I get a good solicitor? My friend said she'll help I don't know if that's just advice or not. And would I be entitled to legal aid? And what if he brings up the domestic violence in court? You have no idea what he is like he will ruin me :(

Well 2oclock has passed no sign off him, I don't know whether he is expecting to come home and find all 3 children here and me gone, I certainty am not leaving my youngest in his care neither my other two are staying with him, how can he possibly look after that when he is at work?

I feel physically sick, he has got another woman pregnant but yet he wants me out of the house, when he could just leave us alone and go and live with her, the cheating I can deal with, but he has taken it to another level and got her pregnant.

[TeenyW123]

Have you done what Twinklestein suggested in her post of 14:54:17?

Police on 101 and WA. Do it now.

Come on. Take control. Stop speculating and gather some facts.

[Only1scoop]

Candy, please as previous post advises, stop speculating.
Arm yourself with the facts, get some sound advice and do it soon.... make the phonecalls as previous posters suggest, get it sorted for the short term. In the long term you are married ....assets will eventually be divided....custody sorted....
You are so worried about him bringing up that there may have been physical abuse on you side....but this is CERTAINLY mental/financial abuse you are experiencing on so many levels. It's as if he holds the times you have lost control over you and uses it to frighten you and control you.
Please Candy get in the driving seat now and stop waiting for things to happen.

[CandyJournal]

Sorry for the late reply, I don't like to keep you waiting, my youngest son had a meltdown.

TeenyW123 - I called the police non emergency number, they can't do anything as such as there isn't any physically violence, I told them that I am scared they asked if there is any where that I could go and stay, I explained my youngest son has ASD and I can't just up and leave they said when he returns home and if I feel intimidated in anyway that I am to call 999.

Only1scoop - I am seeing my friend who is a solicitor tomorrow so that's the first step of making something happen. It may seem like I am waiting for things to happen but I do really want to get this sorted, I am just scared where things will lead to.

[Twinklestein]

Hiya OP,

I'm aware the police can't do anything unless he kicks off. I wanted you to log your details with them, so that if you need to call them at any point, they're aware of you & have all your info.

It's great that you can talk to your friend tomorrow. I know I've said this before but I strongly urge you also to ask WA to recommend a solicitor who specialises in domestic abuse.

I'm not a lawyer - so I don't know - but I would have thought, if your husband brings up your physical attacks, it would be possible for your lawyer to argue that they occurred in the context of his emotional and financial abuse of you. It's very common for abusers to argue that they are the victims of abuse. This is why you really need a solicitor who is experienced in domestic abuse.

I don't know if you would qualify for legal aid, - you need to talk to a lawyer and WA about that. Afaik you need 'proof' of domestic abuse - police proceedings, a caution, an injunction (ie non-molestation order), letter from GP, social services or a refuge - these are some examples, by no means exhaustive...

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - If I don't qualify for legs aid where is that going to lead me? I don't have any proof of the abuse he is putting me through :( he called me not long ago asking me where I am, and if I have left yet. If he wants to continue this nonsense I will tell the eldest two that he is having a baby with someone else.

I am going to have to call the police and say that he is making threats, I don't want to do it but it's the only way, and I will make an appointment with my GP.

[Twinklestein]

Contacting the police and GP is a good move.

If you have a minute, you might start a thread on the legal forum and get advice from lawyers on there. They will be able to give much more informed advice than I can.

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - I have posted over there, thanks for all your advice I really appreciate it

[CandyJournal]

He hasn't come home this evening, I don't know what to think. I don't know what's happened, phone switched off.

[bragmatic]

Candy, he is with the OW. That's where he goes when he disappears. Take control. Use his absence to get yourself sorted. He has less power than you think.

[tightfortime]

He is at hers, wondering what to do now you know about her and the baby.

That's good. Space is what you need. It woul blow right up if he came home.

Game face on. Detach detach detach. The playing field has been levelled. He can't and won't do what he threatens, he's just hoping you believe his threats.

Call his bluff.
Right now, I hate what he has done AND your physical responses but I can understand your behaviour. It's not right but I understand.

Right now, you need RL support and physical presence in the house if possible, for when he returns. Ignore the custody threats, you know he doesn't want those kids full time.

Get your house in order. Write down exactly what that woman said to you. Gather paper work, gather family/friends if possible. Stay focused and calm until you can get to a solicitor. In the meantime, do not entertain him. If he shouts, texts, threatens, just calmly make a note and call police.

This is the dangerous time and you will come out of it a lot better of seen to be prioritising kids and staying calm.

Wishing you luck x

[CandyJournal]

I just don't understand why he made the children stay off from school today, then called me to see if I had left yet as if he had every intension to come home.

As for the other woman, she's not important her and the baby are not of my concern, just disgusting how he has 3 children here (he didn't want our youngest he told me to have an abortion) and instead of coming home and spending time with them he is with this other woman.

Yes I could do with some RL support but my youngest doesn't like people coming over, so I always have to go to over to their house and leave him with my daughter and I can't be out for long because he gets worried and anxious.

And you are right he doesn't want the children full time, he doesn't offer my youngest any support and disappears when he has melt downs, when he wakes up crying in the middle of the night I am the one who always goes and comforts him.

Speaking about what is happening is slightly getting me through it, so I will get in touch with friends and family. He never shouts or even raises his voice he is the calmest person ever.

Thanks Tightfortime I appreciate you replying!

[Only1scoop]

Candy nothing to add other than hope you get some good advice over on legal thread and that you manage to get some rest you must be exhausted.
Thinking of you.

[CandyJournal]

Thanks for your help :)

[CandyJournal]

Update - I visited my friend today she gave me some good advice, but she can't help me, she is going to see if I am entitled to legal aid.

H called me this morning and told me that he is moving out, and he will come and get his stuff on Monday when the children are at school. I can only assume he is moving in with his new woman

He said that he is only going to support the children and that the only money I will be getting is £50 a week for petrol to take my youngest to school and it will be responsibility of my daughter to do the online weekly food shop.

Is there anything I can do about this?

Today hasn't been a good day for me today, I completely lost it with my youngest son, now he won't look or talk to me.

[therewearethen]

Just caught up with your updates, I'm so sorry, it must have been a huge shock to discover the OW. For what it's worth, I doubt she'll want him anyway as it sounds like she didn't know about you and DC.

On a practical note, who owns the house? Could you change the locks (not sure of the legality) to be honest I wouldn't trust him an inch, who's to say he won't wait for you to take DC to school and come back and lock you out?

I'm a bit rubbish at all this advice stuff, hence why I have my own posts. But I wanted you to know someone is thinking of you x

[CandyJournal]

Therewearethen - Evening thanks for replying. He owns the house I doubt he will try and lock me out, as that would mean he is locking the children out as well I don't trust him either, it's funny that all of a sudden he is choosing the move out when yesterday he said he wanted me out by 2oclock.

As for the OW whenever he was around her he must have taken the rings off. If she was telling the truth about being pregnant I'm sure she isn't going to want to bring up the child as a single parent. I am upset that he is leaving to go and live with someone else and when the baby is born he will be seeing he/she more than his other children.

He has probably given her a story.

Thanks for giving advice, hopefully someone else will reply soon

[therewearethen]

Hmm, that's the bit I don't really understand, he wanted you to go and is now suddenly going himself. Either OW has given him the ultimatum or he's got a plan.

From what I can gather he is financially abusive at best so just watch your back, does he know your on here?

[CandyJournal]

Therewearethen - I know he has got something planned I just don't know what. Yes it is financial abuse I don't know why he is doing this to me. And no he doesn't know I'm on here, it is no concern of his. I've got the app on my mobile.

[MoreSlummyThanYummy]

Hi Candy, a bit late but just wanted to say that I agree with the other posters and leaving is the best thing to do.

But I also wanted to share my experience, as I also have got physical with my DP. Like you I know it is totally unacceptable but he can get under my skin like no other, he knows the buttons to push and I just lose it. I did an anger management course through the local IAPTs which REALLY helped and after a stint on anti depressants I have to say I haven't lost it. But it is about lack of power, or at least it was for me and I suspect it is for you. Change the situation and I am sure this anger will evaporate. Nothing else to say apart from I get it xxx

[bumbumsmummy]

So sorry you are going through this can you find and photocopy all of the important paper work before he comes for it ? Move yours and DC important paperwork to somewhere else

Then call women's aid