Should I end it?

[CandyJournal]

I am a married parent of 3 although I have always felt like a single parent, me and DH have been married for a number of years, he lives with us and works long hours 9-7 Mon-Sat he does not do anything to contribute to our family, all I ask for him is to take our youngest son to school a few days a week as he is already tucked up in bed asleep by the time he gets home from work, he always makes out as if me asking him to do this is way too much.

He has been unfaithful in the past when me and him were going through a rough patch, but we managed to work together and get through it.

The intimacy between me and him is just not there anymore and it hasn't been for three months, every night I am going to bed alone whilst he stays downstairs watching television. On Thursday we were both in the kitchen he went upstairs leaving his phone it flashed.

I regret doing this but I went over to it and picked it up there was a text from a ladies name reading "Thanks for today Xx" his phone has a privacy pin on it so I couldn't unlock it to see if there was any text history between him and this lady, I haven't confronted him about it because it will only push him away, if he doesn't want to tell me something he wont, this is all eating me up inside, he is a very smug and cocky man and on a few occasions I have attacked him.

The text message could by all means be innocent. But there is something in my head that is telling me that something is going on.

What would you do? And thanks for reading :)

[CandyJournal]

MoreSlummyThanYummy - Thanks for replying, not sure if you have read most recent posts but he is leaving now

Bumbumsmummy - I have no access to any paper work, he locks all documents in the safe. I will call WomansAid tomorrow to see if they can advise me in what to do next as he is leaving me with no income. Thanks for the advice

[43percentburnt]

Hi candy, you need a solicitor and a forensic accountant. You need to remain angry but channel this anger into a fight for your legal entitlement. He is not a prize, he sounds like an arse. Let the ow have him. The children will be upset, children don't like change. They may also be intimidated by him. They may say they want to be with him as they feel they will incur his wrath later on if you get back together.

Get your bank statements from the bank, they have to give you copies of joint account statements.
Write down every conversation you have with him, preferably online so he cannot rip it up. Write emails to yourself at a new email address.
Write down addresses of properties he owns.
Jobs he has had with pensions.
Shares he has bought, banks he banks with.
Look in the loft for old paperwork.
Keep the texts. Especially ones saying his female child must do shopping! And he will not provide you with money.
CLAIM CHILD BENEFIT NOW. If you stopped due to higher rate tax payer.
Claim child tax if he has text you to say he is moving out.

Channel your anger into the above. Be methodical, keep notes. Fight for what you are Entitled to.

[MoreSlummyThanYummy]

Yes sorry the thread hadn't refreshed when I wrote my comment. Just really wanted to say that shitty situations can bring out the worst in all of us and frustration and lack of control can make people behave out of character. It may not feel like it now but you will look back and think 'why did I stay with him'. You are free!!! And your children are free of the toxic environment. Be proud of yourself and stay strong xxx

[shey02]

Fabulous that he is going. She obv. gave him an ultimatum, but boy I would not want to be in her shoes having a child/living with him. You are well rid of him. And give her another few years and she'll be plotting her escape too probably.

While you await legal proceedings etc. as the above poster said claim all the benefits that you are entitled to. It can be significant amounts and in the case of child tax credit and child benefit, they will probably backdate it. Get the form online for the CB and apply online for the CTC as soon as he has left.

I'm afraid because of the financial abuse and because they will remain in your care, your older children will probably need to know details of what is going on. You cannot look after them on £50 a week petrol money with your child doing the grocery shopping.... The man is insane. Hopefully with some careful thought and planning, you can get your kids onboard with you and plan ahead.

[CandyJournal]

43percentburnt - Thanks for replying

I need to find out if I am entitled to legal aid
He has frozen the account and bank statements are paperless I will go the bank on Monday, no doubt he will try and close the account.
I don't know the addresses of the properties he owns, I don't know if he has any with pensions, or shares he has bought, or who he banks with. He doesn't discuss any of this with me, I will search in the loft tomorrow I'll keep the hope that I will find something.

As for my children I think the eldest two will cope, I'm not even sure if my eldest son knows what is going on, just worried how my youngest son will take it, he woke up this morning asking for dad, I told him he would see him soon, him thinking he doesn't love him anymore caused him to have a melt down I lost it with him, this is going to keep on continuing for at least a week now, H is so selfish he knows what my youngest son is like and how things effect him but doesn't seem to care when he called he could of at least asked to speak to him but he didn't.

I have never claimed any benefits for myself or the children, he did text to say he is moving out he called. I am so angry right now, I never ever thought he'd do this, when we have split before he has never done this to me.

MoreSlummyThanYummy - Thanks for your kind words

[CandyJournal]

Shey02 - I doubt is the OW even knows what kind of man he is. On Monday I will contact CAB

I'm will tell the eldest two what is going on tomorrow, I will not speak bad of him to them, I was thinking about telling them everything but that's just petty.

Insane isn't the word my daughter shouldn't be taking on the responsibility of doing shopping for the household.

[shey02]

All you need to do is stick to the facts, as you say, no excessive bad mouthing. Keep your dignity and sanity in front of them, but sadly the truth in these situations will out, might as well be from you, someone who loves them and cares for them.

Did you say you kept the children's birth certificates in the safe...? Because you will need them for the child tax credit, or child benefit claims. Locksmith might be able to help you out there if you've misplaced the key as that is going to be very important given the financial stranglehold he is trying to inflict.

[CandyJournal]

Shey02 - I think their passports and birth certificates may be in there too, as H is always moving things around, it is an underfloor safe which doesn't take a key.

[therewearethen]

Just checking in quickly, you can get replacement birth certificates if you had to, I'm not sure if it's different in different parts of the country but ExP got his birth certificate within 10mins from the council offices, I believe it was around £13, it maybe worth checking your councils website for more info. At least with the DC birth certificates you can apply for child benefit and child tax credits. Got to run, take care Op

[CandyJournal]

Therewearethen - I can't find their birth certificates or passports, when he comes tomorrow I will ask him for them.

[CandyJournal]

I sat my eldest two down this evening and explained that me and their father will be getting divorced and he will no longer be living with us. My son didn't really seem bothered by it, my daughter said that she wants to go and live with him because he don't want him being alone, I didn't tell her that he had got another woman pregnant and he would be probably living with her and the baby. I really don't know how to tackle all of this. It just seems like things are getting worst, he is going to break this family down.

[Twinklestein]

Hiya Candy, just checking in to see how you're doing. I see your husband has buggered off leaving you to deal with the children. He really is a cowardly shit.

Your daughter will change her mind when she discovers she will have to share him with an OW who didn't know she exists, and a baby.

[sykadelic15]

He probably moved out because he told the police you were abusive to him and they told him he needs to get out of the house (but hopefully said that he didn't think the kids were at risk... though he may try and claim later that they are).

I also bet keeping the kids home was so you didn't have the chance to do anything (try and get into the safe, go through his stuff etc etc).

He may try and claim YOU kept the kids home. That you're extremely controlling. The daughter being on his side worries me a bit. You said they listened to their dad instead of you in terms of going to school... are they scared of him or do they just not respect you?

He's playing extremely dirty. You need to try and restrict any interactions to voicemails, messages or emails so it's documented. If he's coming over put your phone on record (here's some info on the legality of it: www.newbusiness.co.uk/articles/legal-advice/the-legal-ramifications-recording-conversations).

I would speak to a counsellor (and have your kids speak to a counsellor, I wouldn't be surprised if he's been alienating them against you subtly) and your divorce attorney about whether the children should hear about the affair (and pregnancy) from you or from their father. They may not believe you, he may lie... and if there wasn't the pregnancy I wouldn't bother... but the new sibling will freak them out... especially depending on when she's due compared to when he moved out.

Do you remember the woman's name? Could you check phone records to try and track her down? Might not matter but I would file for divorce due to infidelity.

[CandyJournal]

Twinklestein - He is just trying to destroy me :( and I hope she changes her mind because I won't be able to stop her.

Sykadelic15 - I wouldn't be surprised if he told them that the kids are at risk. If he does the kids would tell them it's untrue, yes it was strange that he wanted the kids to stay home, when he comes back tomorrow I'm a 100% sure that he isn't going to do any talking. He is very smart he will always be one step ahead of me.

In regards to the children listening to their father my eldest son is laid back, a bit too laid back he just does what he has told by either one of us, they are not scared of him, he doesn't really have a relationship with my youngest son, it is my daughter I have to worry about as I know she'd pick him over me. So she is going to be a big problem, so I will need to have a talk with her, because she is NOT going to live with him.

Well I am going to go and see my GP in the upcoming days and I will ask if I can see a counsellor as I need help, I'm really not managing at the moment, my youngest keeps having melt down after melt down.

Yes I do remember the womans name, but his mobile phone bills never come in the post I don't know if he has them redirected to somewhere else or if they are paperless, so there is no way of me getting her number, and to be honest with you I don't know want nothing to do with the other woman I am not going to embarrass myself, she can have him it's fine.

I have come to a decision that I am going to have to sell somethings if I want to do things properly.

[sykadelic15]

Just be careful selling stuff. I don't know the law in the UK but he could try claiming you're disposing of marital assets. Is all the money in the joint account gone? Can you go in person and withdraw money?

[CandyJournal]

Sykadelic15 - He froze the account on Friday morning and he is probably in the process of closing it if he hasn't already done so. I can't check the online banking because it still won't let me in. I will give the bank a call tomorrow. The only reason I am selling things (gifts from him to me) is so I can do things properly in terms of the divorce.

[sykadelic15]

I don't think he can close the joint account, he can clean it out and remove himself though. Try and go in asap before he has a chance to clean it out. If he does, ask for a bank statement and proof that HE withdrew the money from the joint account, leaving you with nothing.

[bragmatic]

I'll bet my house he didn't move out because the police told him to. I bet he didn't even make a report to them. They didn't pay you a visit, did they?

He moved out because the OW accused him of being married (which he is) and he is now with her in order 'prove' to her that he is free and clear. (Which he isn't). He could hardly come back to the marital home and keep his relationship with her going, could he?

[Bedtime1]

Candy - just leave this sad pathetic loser ! I know you hit him that isn't good and don't do it again but what he said to you when you found that text. It's definitely over. You can do this and rebuild your life and confidence .

You will settle your children and it will be fat better than them living in such tension. You will regain your life and confidence then become happier that's much better for the children .

[Bedtime1]

See a lawyer ASAP

[CandyJournal]

Skyadelic15 - I will go to the bank on the way back from taking my youngest to school.

Bragmatic - That's true

Bedrime1 - I've left him, it's just hurting me to know that he is trying to leave me with nothing

This morning my daughter has packed her bags she told me that she spoke with her dad, and he said it is fine if she wants to stay with him, in other words I must give him her bags when he comes for her stuff. I've just ignored her, she is NOT going to live with him, it just makes me wonder why he would agree to let her, if he is staying with another woman, or isn't he?

[bragmatic]

Keep your cool. Tell your daughter you love her, and will always be there for her. There is no decision she can make, that she cannot unmake. If she is a teenager you may not be able to stop her today. Especially if you've been volatile in the past. I don't know how much she has seen of your behaviour, but perhaps you have some amends to make there. Sorry if that seems harsh.

Hug her, tell her she will always have a home with you. She'll find out about her dad soon enough.

[TalisaMaegyr]

You are doing SO well Candy

You've had a really fucking horrible shock and are coping admirably. And what bragmatic said about your daughter. How did you get on at the bank?

[Lweji]

If your name is in the account, I don't think he can close it. He could maybe remove his name from it, but he can't take yours.

[CandyJournal]

Bragmatic - My daughter is not going to live with her dad, I'm the adult she is the child, I feel as if she is disrespecting me, I will have a stern talk with her when she gets home from school, I will not have her dictating to me.

TalisaMaegyr - Thanks for your kind words, I have not long got home from visiting the bank, he had transferred every penny over to a different account, the balance stands at 57p I've got the statement so I have proof that he has left me with nothing. He has already come and collected some of his clothes and left £50 on the table for me.

I have booked an appointment at the solicitors for Wednesday that's the soonest they could see me, but they are very good.

I am so much anger inside me right now, but I WILL keep it together I WONT let him destroy me.