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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting the Other Woman?

497 replies

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 14:11

I've posted this within my other thread 'Partner help please?' but it's sort of a different issue...

We ended up bumping into this woman last night. Myself and my partner were walking through a crowd holding hands when I saw her and stopped, with my partner trying to pull me away. I couldn't resist saying something when I saw her. She was talking to a small group of people all sitting down and I stood in front of her and told her she needs to get a life and get a grip and to stay away from him

She said nothing initially, just sat there looking really confused. Then we went to walk off with me still shouting at her, and she got up at tapped partner on the shoulder and said to him that they were going to have a conversation about this and she'd not done anything. He shouted at her to fuck off and fuck off and leave him alone at work too. I was shoving her in the arm telling her to get a life and to stay away from us, and she kept with the confused face saying she had done nothing and then went and sat back down

I don't know what I've done or what to make of it

OP posts:
Lioninthesun · 31/01/2014 22:36

No, Hello - that was for Rainbow. Night all!

rainbowsmiles · 31/01/2014 22:42

Lion this OP needs no assistance in minimising or avoiding. Facing things squarely and head on isn't cruel in this instance. It is a disservice to encourage further pretence. If my husband or friend or colleague related this story I'd be saying exactly the same. Her partners behaviour is so beyond acceptable in a workplace it is down right creepy.

Lioninthesun · 31/01/2014 22:45

So what is she supposed to do about it in your opinion?
Run into the office and cry in front of HR telling them what she suspects and has heard third hand her partner did in their shower?
Yes he is a knob, she can see that. If you read the whole thread you will know that even a posts ago she wanted to stalk OW and pin it all on her. Today she is defending her and admitting her partner is in the wrong regardless. I'd say that is progress and not burying your head in the sand.

Chyochan · 31/01/2014 22:45

Sorry I really don't want to hurt anyone but it seems to me from what I have read on this thread and the one before that they have an intensely, and mutually close/flirty/sexual relationship, and are both happy, on some level to involve not only the OP but office colleagues as well in it all.
This is VERY creepy and narcissistic, and euwww seems a very appropriate response.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 31/01/2014 22:56

As Lion says, I don't know how I can do anything about it? I do accept that his behaviour is hugely WTF-worthy, and I've had 6 days to digest everything I believed in is false

Chyo - I don't really see how it's narcisstic for her to tell me the truth...and I don't see how they couldn't 'involve me' as I'm the one asking WTF happened?

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 31/01/2014 23:06

Thought you were off to bed? I've read both threads with incredulity. I am one of many expressing frustration and disbelief at the level of denial the OP has maintained. Her reaction to this latest story was not revulsion at her partners behaviour in the context of it being beyond inappropriate in the office which is odd. I'm sure you believe your advice is genuinely given and helpful as do I. Different takes, points of view and advice is the purpose of the forum otherwise it would be a dear lion help letters forum.

rainbowsmiles · 31/01/2014 23:11

And I'm sorry phoenix but if it were me he would be out and if he were refusing to go the house would be on the market and solicitor advice would be sought.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 31/01/2014 23:16

Rainbow - with respect, how do you know I've not experienced revulsion? I've said in my update post that I have a quiet calm to me at the moment, but that doesn't mean I'm not disgusted. I also highly doubt you'd have your house on the market after 6 days

OP posts:
rainbowsmiles · 31/01/2014 23:35

Phoenix I can only interpret what you say in your posts. And I am very sorry but I can assure you without any doubt in anyway.... I would have left him a long time before now. But from this point if he hadn't left by now the home report would have been instructed and the agents selected. You deserve better. It is very clear how awful your partner is and that's just what you know. Eeeewwwww doesnt actually express what I thought when I read this particular update. I wasn't aware that sound was only made my american teenagers.

Chyochan · 31/01/2014 23:35

Hi Phoenix- You cant change his behaviour, the only thing you can control is how you react and what you decide to do.

Yes, you were the one asking what went on (and anyone would need the truth to be able to go forward)
but it seems there is a world of difference between taking responsibility, like an adult who regretted his behaviour and was owning what he did, compared to just indulging in details of how incredibly sexy it all was between them.
Do you really need to know the details of how he grabbed her phone and then went for a 'shower', really is this helping him come to a greater understanding of how, and more importantly why he did what he did.

He needs to be exploring what his attitudes are to women, and life, and his kids and getting older and death with you, not telling you about how sexy semi naked pics of a 25yo are ffs, is this really what you were asking for?

Likewise for her also, I can only go on what I would do, if I was genuinely cut up about it I would leave out the 'details' iykwim.

GarlicReturns · 31/01/2014 23:43

Well said, Phoenix. I agree with Lion's posts this evening ... I do feel for you. He's showing out as more & more revolting, and it's awful to have to face the truth that you've been in love with a two-faced sex pest. Really glad your friend's by your side, you need decent support.

On an only slightly related note - she tries on underwear & takes it back???! Yeuch!

GarlicReturns · 31/01/2014 23:46

Chyochan, it's depressingly clear what his attitudes are to women, and life, his kids and OP are.

Could be summed up as "My dick is the only thing that matters" :(

TinselTownley · 01/02/2014 00:44

It just gets increasingly far-fetched and ridiculous by the day. It's not even an engaging story.

GarlicReturns · 01/02/2014 01:11

Tinsel, people don't have their lives blow up in their faces for your entertainment Hmm If you want a good story, read a book.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 01/02/2014 12:23

Thank you, Garlic...and I was just off to ask my.partner how he could destroy me in a more 'engaging' way...!!!!

OP posts:
HelloBoys · 01/02/2014 13:20

Phoenix why would he want to see what she's looking at?!

I know it's come a long way since last night but I really do think you know what to do.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 01/02/2014 13:42

HB - Me too, and I'm getting there but I'm not one to make rash impulsive decisions that'll have immediate effect on my children.

OP posts:
HelloBoys · 01/02/2014 13:49

Hi Phoenix - I see what you say and will PM you later if time.

I just don't want you making mistakes where years on your children will ask 'why did you stay with dad, mummy?' especially after they know about his dalliances.

I know exactly how you feel re the rash decisions and effects on your children. I know a lot here are very much LTB in a lot of cases but you need to decide that for yourself. I hope you have a good Saturday afternoon though

str8tothepoint · 01/02/2014 20:19

Get rid he's vile disgusting horrible person who does not deserve forgiveness ever.

SmashleyHop · 05/02/2014 20:55

So I'm not sure if this has already been brought up since I kinda zoned out after page 10. Happened upon a thread which could possible be "The Other Woman"... Or this is all completely made up bunch of crap to entertain strangers...

www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/advice-support-40/families-relationships-50/1061886-i-don-t-know-how-handle-please-help.html

Miranda23 · 05/02/2014 21:09

I have just been on Netmums (sorry!) and it appears the other woman has started a thread about this very situation - very bizarre indeed. It is titled 'I Don't Know How To Handle This - Please Help'.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2014 21:50

I think it's much more likely these two threads have been started by one and the same person.

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