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Original poster

Confronting the Other Woman?

497 replies

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 14:11

I've posted this within my other thread 'Partner help please?' but it's sort of a different issue...

We ended up bumping into this woman last night. Myself and my partner were walking through a crowd holding hands when I saw her and stopped, with my partner trying to pull me away. I couldn't resist saying something when I saw her. She was talking to a small group of people all sitting down and I stood in front of her and told her she needs to get a life and get a grip and to stay away from him

She said nothing initially, just sat there looking really confused. Then we went to walk off with me still shouting at her, and she got up at tapped partner on the shoulder and said to him that they were going to have a conversation about this and she'd not done anything. He shouted at her to fuck off and fuck off and leave him alone at work too. I was shoving her in the arm telling her to get a life and to stay away from us, and she kept with the confused face saying she had done nothing and then went and sat back down

I don't know what I've done or what to make of it

OP posts:
Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 28/01/2014 20:35

I suppose all of those things could apply. Though I think if it were me I'd be asking him why...bar saying she'd done nothing wrong she said that him and her would be having a conversation about it

OP posts:
GarlicReturns · 28/01/2014 20:35

Yeah ... "Look, Phoenix, I am keeping away from the woman I lurve! See what a sacrifice I'm making?"

Hmm

It would be nice if you were the woman he lurved, wouldn't it, instead of just somebody he's dumping his shit on.

GarlicReturns · 28/01/2014 20:36

she said that him and her would be having a conversation about it

In HR, I hope.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 28/01/2014 20:41

Well it hasn't happened today, she finished before he did. I doubt if she'll be having that conversation now , if she was going to do it it would be done already id imagine

OP posts:
Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 28/01/2014 20:44

Garlic - im not meaning this in a denial way, im just curious...do you actually think he does love her? Why would he tell me horrible things about her but be nice to her especially if like she says, nothing happened since before summer?

OP posts:
Straitjacket · 28/01/2014 21:19

You have no idea he is actually speaking the truth that he did ignore her today, really. Do you?

I wouldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth.

Him not being at home makes it so much easier for him to contact her outside of work to discuss it. So that conversation may of already taken place, and she has decided "Fuck this shit. Completely not worth it!" And written him off as a wanker she is better off without.

You still seem to be fixated on what she does and says though, rather than your P. Why does it matter why she is ignoring him? Isn't that what you wanted anyway?

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 28/01/2014 21:29

If what she said was true, then I think she probably did ignore him

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 28/01/2014 21:36

Brick wall.
Why are you constantly making up stories about what she thinks?

Here's a story: she only looked confused the night you assaulted her because she was expecting you to assault her. He's having an affair with her. She's pretending to you nothing happened. Today at work they shagged in the stationery cupboard, and laughed about you. "see what I mean about her darling? She's a nutter!"

I'm sure you don't like that story. I don't say it to be hurtful. I say it to illustrate that ANYTHING could be true.

So why do you keep focusing on things you don't know, instead of dealing with him?

Who cares if he loves her? You're better off rid.

GarlicReturns · 28/01/2014 22:20

He's obsessed with her. More to the point, he's not obsessed with you. He's not even interested in how you feel, is he?

You need to get your head round that. And work out what you think about having a partner who systematically lies to you and isn't that bothered about your feelings.

AmazingJumper · 28/01/2014 22:27

Do you think he loves you OP?

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 28/01/2014 22:33

I don't know, AmazingJumper, it's like he's gone into reptile mode and self preservation.

Garlic - would the obsessed still stand if he didn't actually speak to her or if her story is true and nothing has happened in 7 months?

I don't think I can get my head around it, I don't see how there is a way forward for us after this

OP posts:
Straitjacket · 28/01/2014 22:40

Of course he can still obsess over her even if he never sees her again! She could be all he thinks about, which is being obsessive.

Bottom line is, if he doesn't admit the truth, then he isn't going to accept responsibility or think what he has done is wrong. This will continue. You will be forever asking questions which only he can answer truthfully, but he won't.

Do you really want to live your life constantly wondering?

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 28/01/2014 23:12

No, which is why I don't see how there is a way forward for us

I don't see how he could have lived such a double life, nothing had changed with us

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 28/01/2014 23:17

Reptile mode?
What the hell is reptile mode?!
He's a snake, I'll give you that!

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 28/01/2014 23:22

Lizard mode I think it's actually called www.google.co.uk/#q=reptilian+brain+in+humans

OP posts:
HelloBoys · 29/01/2014 09:24

I'd like to say finally, all of this is presumption - you have no idea what's happening at work with her/him etc.

You really need to lay it on the line with him (as I think you've done already) and say 100% honesty or he's gone. If he values his relationship with you then he'd admit. And if he's an even better person he'll sort it out, stop seeing her, therapy, move job etc.

I am not saying you should LTB as you have young children and it would be hard. You can sometimes regain trust.

Is there any possibility (nice though us MNers are) you could go to a few therapy sessions yourself about this?

BitOutOfPractice · 29/01/2014 10:48

You can't understand why she's ignoring him? Really?

Come on Phoenix! Wake up and smell the coffee!

coffeeinbed · 29/01/2014 10:55

Hello!
I did try and help in my pits above!
Grin

HelloBoys · 29/01/2014 11:27

Lizard mode - next thing you know he'll be one of those weirdos like David Icke with reptoid hypothesis syndrome.

And I think those 'modes'/labels etc are a very convenient way to describe people. when actually they're just wrong uns.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 29/01/2014 12:28

The lizard thing was more tongue in cheek

I don't thinkI can regain trust, especially as you all say, I still have no ideawhats going on

OP posts:
Lioninthesun · 29/01/2014 13:25

I personally don't think I could trust him again, but that is me.

Counselling for you would be a smart move. It feels a little bit like you have been in serious denial for a while - something I've seen with people suffering EA. It tends to take them a very long time to unpick what they think they know about their partner, who is usually very good at twisting everything to be their fault. Usually this has been going on for years and 'normal' boundaries are a thing of the past. I do wonder if you checking his texts should have been a much clearer sign to you that this was not someone to have another child with. You seem to be getting what we are saying now, but you will need a lot more support.

If you really feel you can't stop thinking about what she is/could/might/possibly do - would it help you to write her a letter? Not one to post, but one to get everything out? "I cannot understand how he could have been so very loving to me, and at the same time to you. He said we were forever, but then how did you become involved? I was sleeping with him while the two of you were on dates - the fact I conceived in this time is appalling to me" - may sound daft, but I think it might help you see how he is the one you are angry at. She could have been anyone, really. She can't help you here, even if she wanted to.

What is clear is that he has done a number on you, and you need to pick up the pieces and figure out a way forward. Help yourself first, please!

LondonNicki · 29/01/2014 13:34

And you're not going to find out the truth speculating here with us no matter how many more days this conversation lasts. I think you need to take your questions offline now ..... It's time.

HelloBoys · 29/01/2014 13:42

Totally agree with LondonNicki you need to confront your OH no matter how angry, upset you feel with him.

no matter what we say won't make a difference.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 31/01/2014 18:46

Just an update. He came home yesterday to see the children and to talk.

I think he was more honest than he expected to be. He still maintains he never cheated on me as he never slept with her. I asked him if there was anything sexual and he said no, except for a picture of her in lingerie.

I was remarkably calm but I think im just numb, beyond shouting at this point. I asked.him to explain what he meant and why she'd be sending him that kind of picture. He said thats not what happened. Apparently her and another woman were looking at her phone and he came over to them to bring her a coffee he'd just bought her. She put her phone on the desk to take the coffee and this picture was still lit up. He picked up the phone, while she jokingly tried to get it off him. I asked him what happened after that and he said he went for a shower in the staff changing area

That's not cheating, to him...I dont even know what to think

OP posts:
Lioninthesun · 31/01/2014 19:13

Hi and thanks for the update.
Erm, I doubt that is how it happened - as a woman, does that scenario sound right to you? Why would her and another woman be looking at her in undies?
Either way it is a detail that you don't really need and will torment you.
I suspect there is much worse but he isn't being very forthcoming.
It depends how much you want to know as well. Sometimes you just need to know the bare minimum to make a choice, other times you want every detail and more. This is down to you and how you feel. I think you would be a fool to think this is all there was - I hate to say go back to your friend to ask her, but I suspect her version of events may differ quite wildly.
Anyway, I hope you are alright and getting some help in RL. Any counselling sessions booked in yet?