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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confronting the Other Woman?

497 replies

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 14:11

I've posted this within my other thread 'Partner help please?' but it's sort of a different issue...

We ended up bumping into this woman last night. Myself and my partner were walking through a crowd holding hands when I saw her and stopped, with my partner trying to pull me away. I couldn't resist saying something when I saw her. She was talking to a small group of people all sitting down and I stood in front of her and told her she needs to get a life and get a grip and to stay away from him

She said nothing initially, just sat there looking really confused. Then we went to walk off with me still shouting at her, and she got up at tapped partner on the shoulder and said to him that they were going to have a conversation about this and she'd not done anything. He shouted at her to fuck off and fuck off and leave him alone at work too. I was shoving her in the arm telling her to get a life and to stay away from us, and she kept with the confused face saying she had done nothing and then went and sat back down

I don't know what I've done or what to make of it

OP posts:
GarlicReturns · 26/01/2014 22:07

YY, what Minx says.

Tbh, Phoenix, there wasn't any backing up he could have done for you last night. He arranged this, remember! He found out she was going to the closing party, he helped her book tickets and then he booked yours.

He set you both up.

MiniTheMinx · 26/01/2014 22:07

Yes I do, I'm sorry. I might be wrong but I have read both threads and everything you have told us. He is probably very torn btw trying to do the right and responsible thing and his feelings for her. I'm not making excuses for him, he has lied to both of you.

MsWinnieBaygo · 26/01/2014 22:09

Oh for gods sake, none of know if he was be love with her. It sounds as if he probably told her he was anyway. Go home and ask your partner these questions rather than getting friends to grill the alleged other woman.

Viviennemary · 26/01/2014 22:12

I haven't read this whole thread. I don't blame you for confronting the other woman. Whether it's wise to or not is a different matter. But in the end unless you can put this whole thing behind you and get on and try and find some happiness with your partner maybe it's time to call it a day with him.

wannabestressfree · 26/01/2014 22:13

Something about this is 'odd'
If I was baring my soul to my friend I wouldn't be posting so much and randomly thanking people for reaching the end of their tethers with me....
People have said 127 ways the same thing and get the same stunted responses.......
I am out (thank you to follow)

K8Middleton · 26/01/2014 22:16

Get some self respect ffs.

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 22:17

I just don't want people who have spent time and energy trying to help me thinking I'm not grateful...I am

My friend is taking care of her children, I'm sitting in her conservatory on her laptop putting off going home :(

Garlic - Not that it really matters, but we bought our tickets in November, she got hers a few weeks ago

OP posts:
GarlicReturns · 26/01/2014 22:25

I see you're right about the tickets. But she booked the day off last August. As you say, it's neither here nor there now you know the story.

Go home! Do you feel angry with him yet?

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 22:27

I do, I'm very angry and very hurt

OP posts:
GarlicReturns · 26/01/2014 23:01

You've every reason to be! How dare he put you through this, with all his tales of her being obsessed and so on? Go home and tell him. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

Straitjacket · 26/01/2014 23:02

Look, no one apart from your P and the OW know the truth.

But, the OWs story does tally a lot with the mutual friends story. Going on that, I would be inclined to believe her.

You just keep going around in circles though, more or less repeating questions but in different ways to us. Frankly, you are just going to drive yourself even more mental doing so and it isn't going to solve anything as we do not know the truth.

Leave the poor woman alone now. It appears that she is just as much of a victim of your P's lying and manipulative behaviour as you are.

If I was you, I would go home, tell him you know everything. Don't go into detail of how or what. Just tell him you want him to leave whilst you contemplate your future as you aren't sure you can continue in a deceitful relationship which lacks respect.

Stand by it. Make him leave. Even if you do want to work things through. He needs to realise what he stands to lose and realise that he can't lie his way out of this.

I bet he will soon start talking. Probably not the whole or even half truth to start with, but if he really wants you both to pull through this, he will start talking. They always minimise at first, so be prepared.

Also, stay as calm as can be. Easier said than done but it is for the best to deal with this calmly and with a clear head.

NicknameIncomplete · 26/01/2014 23:34

You need to go home & have it out with your partner.

He has been playing you and treating you like a fool.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 27/01/2014 00:02
Hmm
TheNewSchmoo · 27/01/2014 00:20

The more detail, the more contradiction. I'm out.

Tonandfeather · 27/01/2014 00:32

I'm now wondering whether this has been an elaborate concoction from a woman having an affair with a married man who wanted to show wives as violent madwomen and the third wheels as sweet-natured, doe eyed kindly innocents.

That happens on forums I'm afraid.

PhoenixRising1979 · 27/01/2014 06:34

I've no idea what would give you that impression, Ton, but to give an update we've been talking/arguing since I got home and he's currently packing his things to leave for a while.

Thanks to all who were there for me yesterday

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 27/01/2014 07:33

Oh that's interesting that he's leaving for a while.

Do you remember the books where you had options for the plot, if the woman calls the police, go to page 14. If the husband leaves for a while, go to page 23? I find it interesting that developments are a step behind the suggestions on this thread.

I never much enjoyed those made up books.

MiniTheMinx · 27/01/2014 08:11

Did he put up a fight or go willingly?

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 27/01/2014 08:32

After sleeping on it, I'm stilll...
Hmm

Tuhlulah · 27/01/2014 09:20

Phoenix, I see there's some doubt about whether you're a real poster or not.

However. I will assume you are.

I have a friend who is beautiful, utterly gorgeous, sexy, bright, clever, together, quite literally a golden vision. And sweet and lovely. She's in her early thirties now.

In her mid twenties she was engaged to a man and they were very happy and faithful. To cut a long story short they split up, remaining friendly but hardly ever seeing each other. She had other relationships whereas he began a relationship with a mutual friend and she got pregnant, I understand because she felt insecure of him, and believed pregnancy would keep him. They lived together. I understand that although he wasn't in love with her, he understood his responsibility and they became engaged. Then she got pregnant again. Neither pregnancy planned, second pregnancy came as a surprise because she was on the pill. These things happen.

They live in a small town and then one day my beautiful friend pitches up again to live there for a year. The man homes in on her like a magnet. Turns up in places where he knows my friend will be, is always there, and they also have lots of mutual friends. Every social event, he is there, with and without his new fiancee, looking longingly at my friend.

My friend gets a bit fed up and confronts him, asks him what he's playing at. Problem is, she still loves him and always has. They talk. They tell each other they still love each other and they still want to be together, but there is this issue of the new fiancee and two babies. They do not do anything physical at all, but they love each other and want to be together but there is an obstacle stopping them doing anything. The obstacle isn't the fiancee but the children.

So he elects to stay with the fiancee for the sake of the children and they have an enormous BIG wedding. With him dreading every minute of it (I am told). My friend has moved away now, to allow him to just get on with his marriage, because she knows it's wrong to be there. However, the man is always texting her and doing things on her face book account. (He is a bit of a shit, if you ask me. Weak.)

So, my point is this:- WHO would want to be in the fiancee's (now wife's) shoes? Her husband in love with another woman but staying with her for the children. Dreading the return of the woman he loves because if he hasn't been unfaithful physically then he has wanted to, and that is as bad. Because he LOVES the other woman. And what we cannot have becomes ever more desirable.

He is trapped. She knows it. She only has him because at the moment he believes he has a responsibility to look after his children. But he doesn't love her, he loves a past love whom he can't be with, but longs to be with.

Convoluted story Phoenix and overly long. But this is you in a few years. Who'd be in your shoes?

TinselTownley · 27/01/2014 12:00

For me, it's not really a question of whether you're a genuine poster who thinks their DP is having an affair. More that what you are presenting as factual has more holes than one of Miley's stage outfits.

The whole thing reads to me that there is a DP and there is a gorgeous 25 year old at his work who you suspect he's shagging or has shagged. I think you've confronted him and he's denied it so you've upped the anti and pretended to have 'evidence' from a colleague of his who, you've said here has conveniently moved abroad since telling you. Obviously, he would know a real mutual friend so I suspect what you've told him is that a colleague just happened to let you know of the 'affair' via Facebook in a desperate effort to get him to admit to something you've fixated upon in your mind. You've then allowed your insane jealousy to provoke you into assaulting the poor woman and he's at the end of his tether. Because you simply can't own up to your own paranoia, you've then invented a phone conversation between the poor woman and another anonymous friend in order to justify your appalling actions.

You've then posted the whole sorry saga here because, for some reason, having people say 'yes, he's having an affair' somehow justifies your behaviour and makes you feel less crazy. You have also been seeking reassurance that your actions wont have cost him his job.

I have no idea if he's had an affair or not. I don't know if he's the office sex pest or not. Sadly, it is obvious that you don't either. I may not be entirely accurate here but it is abundantly clear that there's something very rotten in the state of Denmark and you have embroiled yourself in a series of events that have now got completely out of hand.

Until you reign yourself in and get real with yourself, there's no way you're going to get resolution.

Good luck with that. Now leave the poor girl alone and bloody grow up.

ShephardsDelight · 27/01/2014 12:49

I think you need to direct your anger at your husband, this is why staying with a cheat is never a good idea.

Tonandfeather · 27/01/2014 13:02

I don't know what to think about all this.

Taking it on face value though, I'm not very surprised at the outcome posted earlier but it must be very traumatising nevertheless. I hope you've got some support close at hand, poster.

I guess my more general thoughts that apply to all the different possibilities re this thread are that women would be so much STRONGER if they stopped competing with one another for truly crap men.

From what I've seen of this site there seem to be more posts from new wives who are bitter about first wives, than posts from wives who blame other women who've intruded on their marriages but not the men who are messing around.

Which is maybe why this one was so weird. I've honestly never met a woman who thinks like this poster.

HelloBoys · 27/01/2014 13:09

The more I read this Tonandfeather the more I thought (I know I shouldn't) as if it was Troll. and I don't say that lightly

The story just seemed so implausible as it span out, who etc where etc said what. Or it just seemed bizarre. Maybe I'm being unfair as yes, emotions can skip all over the place. just it seems OP spent a heck of a lot of her time on her iphone/IPad etc doing FB messages etc rather than sorting this out with her DP.

Lioninthesun · 27/01/2014 13:55

I've caught up with a little since yesterday. Hope you are OK OP. Very glad you seem to have got some space from him to think about everything.

I wanted to share an experience I had in my mid 20's. I worked with a man who was married and had a picture of a child on his desk. We used to all go out for lunch as a team and he was regularly the one flirting with waitresses/giving women the eye/talking about women in a sexual way to all of us and making comments etc. It was quite typically laddish behaviour, but he wasn't my boss so I ignored it and thought he was a knob. Anyway, FF to Christmas party and he pops up, a little drunk. Leans in to me to tell me his devastating secret; his wife no longer wants him. He is heartbroken and emotionally empty. He hasn't had sex since their son was born 3 years ago. They sleep in separate beds and only play along at being a family for their son. Even their parents know about it and have urged them to stay together for their grandchild. He felt lost, sad and very lonely. He'd always admired me and thought I was so kind and lovely. I was really pretty and all of the guys thought I was a stunner etc etc...
And then he put his hand on my leg.
I laughed in his face, and walked off. Now if I had been 5 years older I may well have added a slap in there, but I could see it was quite pathetic. I had no doubt what he was doing, or trying to.

2 months later he came in with the news his wife was pg and took everyone out for drinks after work. I didn't go, needless to say.

I do think this is far more common than women realise. A friend had it happen to her a year ago in her work as well. It is a very obvious thing to those women old enough to have seen it before. I suspect she was naive or just very young and didn't think he would lie to her, especially if he was her manager.

Anyway, take some time to look at what you want and what he wants. Hope you are alright.