Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting the Other Woman?

497 replies

PhoenixRising1979 · 26/01/2014 14:11

I've posted this within my other thread 'Partner help please?' but it's sort of a different issue...

We ended up bumping into this woman last night. Myself and my partner were walking through a crowd holding hands when I saw her and stopped, with my partner trying to pull me away. I couldn't resist saying something when I saw her. She was talking to a small group of people all sitting down and I stood in front of her and told her she needs to get a life and get a grip and to stay away from him

She said nothing initially, just sat there looking really confused. Then we went to walk off with me still shouting at her, and she got up at tapped partner on the shoulder and said to him that they were going to have a conversation about this and she'd not done anything. He shouted at her to fuck off and fuck off and leave him alone at work too. I was shoving her in the arm telling her to get a life and to stay away from us, and she kept with the confused face saying she had done nothing and then went and sat back down

I don't know what I've done or what to make of it

OP posts:
GarlicReturns · 27/01/2014 15:10

I don't know why your thread's chock full of disbelievers, Phoenix. I've seen versions of this story played out around me all my life, and have frequently been in situations where other people were trying to tell me my husband/boyfriend was cheating; I didn't know what to believe. This is why I hate dishonesty in relationships so much - it leaves the honest partner stretched between having faith in their partner, and trying to figure out who's lying (and why.) It pulls the ground from under your feet.

Long story short, I now see this as intolerably cruel. I'm aware I need & deserve to be treated with respect. Anybody doesn't do this, I'm out. I deserve better. So do you. I'll never need to pull a story like this apart again, in my own life, but I very much understand why you felt you had to. I'm glad you made him go, well done! I imagine you must feel wrung-out and sad just now. Do take care of yourself - eat, sleep, talk to friends, be kind to You.

You'll be needing to think about whether you want to share your life with somebody who could do this to you. Maybe this isn't the right day to think about that, but put the question in your mind and see how you go. All the best.

HelloBoys · 27/01/2014 16:01

Garlic I don't NOT believe but it seems very strange that Phoenix has the inside track on so much of this and has friends etc keeping in touch with OW.

It seems to pan out like the worst case soap opera you could imagine.

I do NOT NOT believe her - I DO!

GarlicReturns · 27/01/2014 16:16

It's not that complex, though. She had one of her boyfriend's co-workers giving her the heads up. She's now emigrated. Phoenix's best friend contacted Ms Pretty specially, following Saturday night's bust-up. That's only two contacts. All the rest is the boyfriend telling lies.

HelloBoys · 27/01/2014 16:22

Garlic - I don't get the emigration - who emigrated? not Ms Pretty?

Oh I get it the BF's co-workers. I'd ditch the BF to be honest. what a tosser.

GarlicReturns · 27/01/2014 16:28

Yes, and yes!

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 27/01/2014 21:17

Hello

Thanks for the 2 stories, it sort of, sort of helps understand her a bit more

Garlic and those asking about today - I've spent the first part of the day looking after the children who are now in bed. They went to my mum's for a while but I really just want them with me, not that I'm in a fit state to look after them.

He's still saying he's not done anything, really, but agreed to go and stay at a friends. I spoke to him briefly around lunch time to ask a question about nursery for our eldest and he said he didn't go in to work. I don't know why that is supposed to matter to me?

I've spent the rest of the day not even in tears, just sitting staring and going over everything in my head

OP posts:
HelloBoys · 27/01/2014 22:02

Phoenix I think this will come out in due course so your DP denying it is IMO buying time.

Course he's not going into work cos shit will hit the fan. If he were innocent surely he'd go in.

It's you I feel sorry for despite your actions. Hope you get clarity soon.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 27/01/2014 22:13

Buying time for what though, he's already gone?

I don't think that anything will be said at work, going by what the woman said to my friend. She said she was just scared about seeing him and his reaction to seeing her...and people gossiping about them again

Thanks, me too

OP posts:
Arkina · 27/01/2014 22:49

Hmmm when the girl involved not going to work that was seen basically as an admission of guilt. Yet she shows up and hubby skips work... so is that looked on the same? an admission of his guilt or is it different rules?

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 27/01/2014 22:53

I don't know if she went to work or not, but no, it's not different

OP posts:
Lioninthesun · 27/01/2014 23:00

Sadly I think your partner will have a lot to fill you in on. He needs to come clean about all of his messages and meetings. Until he is ready to do this and not just blame the OW and tell you it was ALL her, you cannot take his input seriously. You need to see what he has to say now he has time to consider what he has done and how it is affecting you.
Although I am fairly sure he will still lie and minimalist everything. After all, he has now lost both of you because he thought he could upgrade halfway through a contract, nearly pulled it off but couldn't resist having his cake.
Please just try to see how he has manipulated you in all of this, he has been pointing fingers and using your trust to make this lady out to be the whole problem. It seems you two had issues way before that.

Lioninthesun · 27/01/2014 23:01

BTW, he will be 'buying time' to make up stories that fit, now he knows you are in contact with her, is what I think the other poster meant.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 27/01/2014 23:20

Ah I see now

Lion, is she the upgrade or the cake?

I dont want to talk to him at all tomorrow, I want a full day of no contact

I dont know why but im feeling almost nervous about them both being at work together

OP posts:
Logg1e · 28/01/2014 07:30

I'd stop thinking about their relationship (because you can't do anything about that) and start focusing on your relationship with him.

HelloBoys · 28/01/2014 09:22

Sorry just come backj to this - yes the buying time is as Lion says - he wants to get his story straight at work/home and to make up stories that fit.

Of course you are nervous about both of being at work together.

i don't know what I'd advise hereon.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 28/01/2014 19:28

I don't know if I have a relationship with him anymore, Logg1e

HB - I didn't get my wish in terms of no contact, though I could have not answered I suppose. He rang to inform me she was there today and he's ignoring her...likewise on her part

OP posts:
GarlicReturns · 28/01/2014 20:05

Gah, Phoenix, that stinks! He rang you with an update on how things are between the pair of them! What the actual??!

I am furious on your behalf.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 28/01/2014 20:13

I think it was supposed to make me feel 'better', like he's doing the right thing for not speaking to/looking at/interacting with her

I can't explain her ignoring him though

OP posts:
Straitjacket · 28/01/2014 20:21

She is more than likely ignoring him because she doesn't want to get dragged into any more of his drama!

You should do the same, until he is prepared to find some guts and be honest with you.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 28/01/2014 20:29

If you were her, after Saturdays events, would you speak to him?

OP posts:
GarlicReturns · 28/01/2014 20:29

He's not talking about fixing YOUR relationship. More to the point, he's not talking about YOU! He's telling you about THEIR relationship. He is so taking the piss, Phoenix.

I agree with Straitjacket.

And it's nice to see somebody can spell it Wink

coffeeinbed · 28/01/2014 20:30

She's ignoring him because
a) he told her to fuck off and so she does.
b) she's shopped him at HR and they've advised her to ignore him.
c) she's really upset because they did have an affair and now she's hurt.
d) she's playing hard to get waits for him to come running.
e) she's realised he's an arse and is well rid.
f) she's scared you'll have another go at her if she didn't.

Choose whatever's applicable.

GarlicReturns · 28/01/2014 20:31

Eh? The last thing he said to her was fuck off! She'll now have some idea of how he's been treating you, and what he's been saying about her. If she values her sanity, she'll be keeping him well away.

Original poster
PhoenixRising1979 · 28/01/2014 20:32

I think he thought he'd get brownie points for not speaking to her or something and therefore proves he's done nothing or something

OP posts:
GarlicReturns · 28/01/2014 20:33

Actually I really hope somebody points her to this thread. She deserves to see what an absolute knobhead he is.