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Original poster

to those who stayed after OH had an affair...

207 replies

houmousandcarrotsandwich · 23/01/2014 09:17

Brief history. ..
H was caught out (again! ) in December. Says it was only emotional, but has admitted to 2 kisses with 2 different people. This time I was done, but he refused to leave (I couldn't as 2 dcs and no where to go).

This time he has however been scared shitless he could loose everything.
At the moment I can do no wrong. He is giving me regular lie ins, doing more house chores, flowers, notes etc. And most importantly taken himself to counselling
We are also in the hysterical bonding stage.

now...I don't know what I want.

I'm still miles off forgiveness, still not wearing my wedding rings.
I can't help but think this is all an act to get back in my good books (is this change too good to be true?)
But..what if this how things stay? (am I being too hopefull/stupid? )
Will I ever forgive?

So to those who have walked in my shoes, is there sunshine after the rain? I would appreciate hearing your experiences x

OP posts:
Elliptic5 · 23/01/2014 14:18

It sounds as if you have already made up your mind to let him stay, you're right you have lost the anger.

I imagine it will keep happening until the anger stays with you and then you will split.

It's difficult to contemplate life without them and their "support", but as several, have said before when it does happen life will be greatly improved.

Jan45 · 23/01/2014 14:21

He refused to move out, sorry, but that would indicate to me that he's neither remorseful or respectful of your feelings and needs - he didn't want to move out so therefore he didn't, just like he didn't want to respect his marriage vows, so didn't.

I also would wonder if he was actually seeing a counsellor, I think the only thing he's remorseful about is being caught and losing his nice cosy life at home, the cheating will continue I can assure you, just give it time.

Has he actually done anything for you? Again, why do you class yourself as so un loveable that you're prepared to settle for such a low man?

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 23/01/2014 14:36

I think he is seeing counsellor, if only because I have said I haven't ruled out joint counselling again (if only tohave an agagreement about the logistics of separation, I would know if he hasn't been.

I hear what you're all saying about he's treating me like the ow so I fall for him again, it all makes sense.

But I can't see us splitting now. Time has passed, anger has washed away, the pain is scaring for sure.

So maybe I am hoping for too much, that this change in character will last Sad

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 23/01/2014 14:49

So sorry to hear all that. Such a waste of a woman's life.

All I can suggest if you're resigned to staying with this bloke is that you focus on making your own life better.

I can tell even without you saying it that you've got low self esteem and doubt whether you'd cope with being single. I can also tell that you've got very low standards about how people should treat you.

If you've made your decision, I'd stop focusing on him because nothing you do or don't do will affect his behaviour.

What you do and don't do will affect yours though and ultimately your life outcomes. Good luck.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 23/01/2014 14:58

I don't think you're hoping for too much.

I think you're settling for too little.

If you're enjoying the courtship, then that's great - you deserve some spoiling - but guard yourself. It will run out.

perfectstorm · 23/01/2014 15:14

Oh Humous. Sad I am so sorry to see this is you, I thought you'd moved past his lies and manipulations and headgames. Didn't he snatch the phone off you when you were trying to call the police over his behaviour, and say they'd not believe a self-harmer on anti-depressants? And at one point he said if leaving was what it took to prove he was willing to work on things and respect you, then that's what he'd do. Surprise surprise, he reneged and refused to leave.

Sweetheart you found his profile on a dating website. What more evidence of intentional and habitual cheating do you want? You said Chumplady was really helpful - have you looked at that site again lately?

He went to a counsellor because he realised you finally meant it, and talked you into going as well to "work on your problems". Right? And found one who said that what really mattered was the children, and pretending all was well between you over Christmas so they had a nice time, and to not talk about anything tricky but just have a pleasant family time? And we warned you he'd work on you over that time, minimise and normalise and manipulate you into coming round into taking him back... and it seems that is precisely what has happened.

His father cheated throughout his marriage and sees nothing wrong with it. That was how he was brought up. Your H has treated you like crap over all this until he finally saw you meant it and sharply altered tack in order to get you back where he wants you - looking after the kids and the home. You know, really, that he won't change because he fundamentally doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. He likes fucking around and will do it whoever he is with, because it's the pattern he learned.

I don't think habitual cheaters change. I think people who stumble into affairs can realise they've fucked up and try to come good, but your husband habitually has affairs and you have absolutely no grounds to think any of that will alter. I think you need to read your own old thread, tbh.

So sad to see he's done such a number on you over the last month. But the bottom line is this: you stay if you are willing to accept he will continually cheat, and that's just who he is and what he expects to get away with. Hoping for a miracle is just going to destroy you. At least be realistic about the situation you are in and the man you are married to, because otherwise you will waste an entire lifetime trying to hold back the tide in a sieve. Sad

Leavenheath · 23/01/2014 15:23

That counsellor sounded like a twit of the highest order. The OP seems to think so too. So why would she go back to someone who's a twit for more help? In any case, I very much doubt the counsellor would be prepared to say this bloke had been attending regular sessions. When the OP withdrew, he became her client who's entitled to confidentiality.

I'm sure he knows this too.

perfectstorm · 23/01/2014 16:13

cheeseandpineapple he had an active profile the OP found on a dating website. I don't think that really accords with "just kisses" as a narrative for the five women the OP actually knows about, do you?

MissScatterbrain · 23/01/2014 16:41

And dating websites are for those who want no strings attached sex. Can#t see anyone joining these sites just for kisses Hmm

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 23/01/2014 16:49

He says he never met any of the website people, it was all talk.

the kisses were with people at work (although not actually working when they happened, one on a group night out , the other around her house, swears nothing more)

I know how it all looks. Storm is right, if we stay together I really have to accept this is probably how its going to be Sad

OP posts:
Jan45 · 23/01/2014 16:57

This gets worse, dating websites as well now, I dunno what this twunt has to do to make you see the light.

You do actually have a choice here, it's your life, you only get the one.

MissScatterbrain · 23/01/2014 16:58

I agree with Storm and I really hope you will take on board the advice to look at boosting your self esteem by focusing on your own life.

Good luck Op.

str8tothepoint · 23/01/2014 17:02

Sounds like your more scared of living without him and giving into him as your need for him outweighs his actions.

Relationship over.

Diagonally · 23/01/2014 17:36

Yes this is the way it is going to be. Continually starting over with a dirty slate.

You can't wipe it clean.

This is him, this is you, this is your marriage.

Leavenheath · 23/01/2014 18:02

Have you sat down this afternoon and read your old thread, love?

'Cause I think he's even done a number on your memory, as well as everything else.

Remember too, this is just the stuff you've found out about, bad though all that is. There's likely to be much, much more you don't know.

Just 5 weeks ago he registered for a dating website. Please keep that in mind.

perfectstorm · 23/01/2014 18:31

Remember the car exchanges? Jokes about christening it, references to shagging, making dates? Because I do.

Just kissing? Sad

He's taking you for a fool. He's not worth a second of your pain. And do you honestly want your own children to grow up as he did - thinking men fuck around, and a woman's job is to just take that abuse and accept that's all their lives can be or are worth? To see their mother struggling so badly with the pain he causes her that she is depressed and self-harming? Lovely, it doesn't need to be like this. There are lovely men out there. There is a great life there for the taking. Why throw yours away on a man who doesn't care how much he hurts you, or the damage he's doing to his children, as well as their mother? A man without any conscience?

Upnotdown · 23/01/2014 18:59

I stayed and we worked it out. But I would run a mile in your situation, he sounds abhorrent.

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 23/01/2014 19:00

I remember.

I still have all the evidence on my phone. I have stopped looking at it though as its not helping me.

I just wanted to believe that this was change, I have never seen him try this hard before.
I hoped this new H could be for real Sad

OP posts:
Upnotdown · 23/01/2014 19:09

In fairness, maybe he believes he can change. But the evidence is all pointing down the toilet. I personally wouldn't risk any more emotional damage from him. As heartbreaking as that may seem to you right now.

justdrankacappuccino · 23/01/2014 19:28

Sorry but you really are a doormat if he has done this to you five times and you're still with him. Because it's probably more than five by the sound of it.

His backside would have the imprint of my boot on it a long time ago if he were my 'D'H.

Life is short. Don't waste it.

akawisey · 23/01/2014 19:36

I stayed and it was the single, biggest mistake I've ever made. That's all I can say.

akawisey · 23/01/2014 19:53

Actually I can say more:

All the other mistakes I made included -

Mistaking hysterical bonding for love
Accepting the minimising and excuses
Feeling the shame that he should have felt and keeping the secret
Drinking too much to dampen my hurt
Drinking more
Getting depressed when I should have got very angry
Not making him leave
Believing that staying together was better than being on my own
Not trusting my gut

Don't be me OP. I am only forgiving myself now because all the above mistakes (and those I haven't included) were on ME.

TippiShagpile · 23/01/2014 20:02

Let me guess, he tries harder every time you find out he's been unfaithful.

He knows that. It's all a game to him. He knows he can win you back - it's what he's been doing throughout your marriage.

Every time you forgive him he respects you a little less and high 5s himself for restoring the status quo.

He knows you'll put up with this, just like his mother did.

He's playing the long game. And he's expecting to win.

failingmammalian · 23/01/2014 20:09

counselling is a massive step though, i think it´s important to recognise. massive. the other question, and perhaps it´s taboo, is how important is fidelity? can you live without 100% fidelity? plenty of people can... in exchange for the qualities you describe. how does the unhappiness and happiness stack up?

Leavenheath · 23/01/2014 20:40

Counselling with a nodding dog isn't such a massive step though is it?

That's if he's going at all. Does he pay cash for it by any chance? I'd be surprised if you had an audit trail for the money he's allegedly spending on Relate.

I agree it's a fair question whether the OP is willing to trade fidelity for other benefits. If she stays that would appear to be the only bargain available.