to those who stayed after OH had an affair...

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Brief history. ..
H was caught out (again! ) in December. Says it was only emotional, but has admitted to 2 kisses with 2 different people. This time I was done, but he refused to leave (I couldn't as 2 dcs and no where to go).

This time he has however been scared shitless he could loose everything.
At the moment I can do no wrong. He is giving me regular lie ins, doing more house chores, flowers, notes etc. And most importantly taken himself to counselling
We are also in the hysterical bonding stage.

now...I don't know what I want.

I'm still miles off forgiveness, still not wearing my wedding rings.
I can't help but think this is all an act to get back in my good books (is this change too good to be true?)
But..what if this how things stay? (am I being too hopefull/stupid? )
Will I ever forgive?

So to those who have walked in my shoes, is there sunshine after the rain? I would appreciate hearing your experiences x

[LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob]

My friend stayed with a serial adulterer and I watched over the years as my strong beautiful friend slowly withdraw from the world. Her whole existence revolved around catching him out, making him repent...it was awful.

It only stopped when he died to be honest.

This isn't going to end well. You are going to be cheated on again, it's up to you how long you put up with this shit.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Also I think it would kill me to see him in a new relationship. The thought of another woman playing happy families with my kids

[Badvoc]

It wouldn't kill you.
It would hurt, and feel very wrong, but it wouldn't kill you.
As for playing happy families...you are making a huge assumption there. He hasn't thought much of your kids so far, has he?

[MissScatterbrain]

But he is already having relationships with other women...

Also what if the next time, he leaves you for OW?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

MNers might not have all the answers but frankly counsellors aren't God either.

Some people find it exciting of itself: do the crime, do the time, ie confess for that cleansing glow, and say the right stuff, then enjoy make up sex. Then go off and repeat.

[growingolddicustingly]

His father cheated throughout his marriage and sees nothing wrong with it. That was how he was brought up.

OP you sound defeated but please look at the statement above. Is this what you want for your DCs, to have the pattern repeated?

[justdrankacappuccino]

Lots of good and honest advice here, Op, from women who have been there.

Keep reading what is written and stop kidding yourself that this twat is going to change.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

This guy treats you worse than a piece of crap on his shoe.

He has no respect for you.

You aren't even a person to him.

I don't know how you can even think of making your children grow up in a house with this poison constantly going on around them.

And no, there is no possibility this complete fucker will ever change.

He despises you. You can't change that.

[perfectstorm]

Also I think it would kill me to see him in a new relationship. The thought of another woman playing happy families with my kids

But he is already constantly in new relationships, that will never change, and yes, it kills you! The sole difference is that you would know any new girlfriend would be the poor cow he fucks around on constantly, manipulates and uses, and not you! Honestly, you are thinking your position - as a receptacle for the occasional fuck and a free housekeeper and nanny - is anything to envy?! He has a ton of new relationships, but the other women are the ones having most of the fun. Not you. Why on earth worry about someone else being his emotional punchbag? He will never change because if your pain is meaningless to him - which it is - why would he? He likes having little wify on the home front, while he plays the field as a single man. And he sees no reason why he shouldn't tell you whatever you want to hear to achieve that.

Please, please get some counselling. This is classic for a woman who has been repeatedly cheated on. You're so locked into trying to compete with his faceless conquests, and telling yourself that you are at least The Wife, you can't see that role is the worst and not the best available. You're locked into battling for his fidelity and it is a battle you cannot ever win, because he has no incentive to change.

There are brilliant, loving, generous and faithful men out there. You are wasting the years of your life on this scum, when you could be with someone who loves and values you. How on earth do you think a mother this distraught and a father this sociopathic will be for your kids as they grow up? Honestly? OP, he has done such a number on you. It's so hard to read.

[perfectstorm]

The priority is his issues in my opinion.

I don't think he has any issues. He likes fucking around and he has a wife who, despite his behaviour destroying her, can be persuaded not only to stay but to compete sexually with his other women. If he has no conscience, and your description of his behaviour makes it very clear he doesn't, then what is the problem, from his point of view? This arrangement suits him well. He has no incentive at all to change it. He's not messed up, or confused, or troubled, though I'm sure he'll spin you that line if he sees it working on you. He's just selfish and likes having lots of women on the go. There is nothing especially rare or complicated about it. This is classic stuff, sadly. He's a bog standard issue serial shagger and always will be, and pathologising that behaviour is a get-out-of-jail-free card he will use most enthusiastically, if you swallow it.

[Leavenheath]

Fantastic post Perfect. I can add nothing to that wisdom.

[MissScatterbrain]

fab post Perfect...and in case you haven't seen this yet here is a good link for you to read

[CookieDoughKid]

Completely, completely agree with Perfect.

Op - Put aside how you feel for one moment and think about your kids. Do you think they won't find out? My dh's dad was a multiple philanderer and my dh KNEW at age 7 what was going on.

Think about what sort of example and acceptability this is setting to your dc's? What would you be saying if your dc's was married to a serial cheater? And what would your dc's be thinking about their own mother?!!

I understand you don't feel empowered to leave and do something right now but trust me when I say,

Your dh is completely taking you for a fool - there is nothing wrong with other than he is being a selfish prick and he knows it!!

[CookieDoughKid]

Sorry - I wrote my last line incorrectly, I meant to say
Your dh is completely taking you for a fool - there is nothing wrong with HIM other than he being a selfish prick and he knows it!!

Op - It doesn't have to be like this, there are some fantastic decent men out there. You shouldn't have to put up with it. Please don't normalise this because it is not normal (if it were normal to you - you'd be totally OK with him about to go on his next affair). And are you?!

[Dirtybadger]

Humous you posted on a thread of mine a couple of months ago encouraging me to "ltb" after he was caught "again" inappropriately chatting to women online (no physical cheating). You were looking for evidence your dh had done something and I think I recall you saying you wished you had the guts to leave him. You found the evidence. Now you know.
You can do it.

[Apatite1]

Stop deluding yourself, really.

[Ledkr]

Can I just add to the other brilliant advice.

You are hanging onto him because you don't want to let him go but you don't need to, he goes when he wants to anyway.

One thing I found I'd that the thought of him moving on was worse than when it actually happened.
He is of course no different to his new wife and they certainly do not play happy families with my children as he has the scant interest in them that his narcissistic arse always has done.

One day one of his affairs may turn into more and he will end up leaving you,.
Don't waste your life waiting for this to happen.

[Bizkit]

I'm in a similar situation, we trial separated for a bit, what I didn't know was he got into another relationship almost immediately but had come back to me trying to make it work, this was unknown to me for four months before I found out. When I said I had enough as he had done similar before he wouldn't leave. Two years later and he still won't leave, we've had good times but mainly bad because for me not only couldn't I forgive but the resentment just grows and grows because he is blaming me for it not working because I won't give it a try. He had done the same with more housework, cooking cleaning etc and has changed a bit and has tried but it was never enough. I still cannot trust him and of late am suspicious of his constant phone use and feel the need to snoop. I wish I had the courage to put my foot down and end it two years ago when I first found out and he wasn't technically living with me, now I'm in an awful situation where I'm certain I can't give this ago, I had let the past two years go by for the sake of the kids but I'm realising it's not best for them. I will have to either go to court to get him removed from our joint tenancy or leave everything and move myself, I'm still deciding which, but if I had done it in the first place it would of been easier.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Update...
I have spent the last 24 hours trying to get him to leave. He refuses. Says he has to much to walk away from. Says 5weeks hasn't been long enough to prove he's change.
I have said change doesn't matter, he still choose to behave the way he did.
He goes on about having nowhere to go, which I remind him is not my problem.

I am honestly at a loss of how to continue. ..

[Badvoc]

Police.

[MissScatterbrain]

Seek legal advice so you know where you stand.

In the meantime do not do any of his chores - cooking, shopping, laundry etc.

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

Do you have a spare room? Can you separate within the house to show him you're serious? Start by not doing jobs for him you wouldn't be doing if he had moved out, eg ironing.

His stubbornness is because he doesn't want to lose his maid/laundress/bottle-washer. If he wanted his wife he'd jump through any hoop you held up.

[perfectstorm]

Tell him if he's really sincere about proving he's changed he'll alter the habits of a lifetime and pay attention to what you need instead of what he wants, and do as you ask and not as he prefers. The fact he won't leave proves he doesn't have the least intention of respecting your wishes going forward.

You can also point out that filing for a decree nisi on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, citing the other women he admits to kissing and the dating website profile, will start the ball rolling for a financial settlement that will force him out, whether he likes it or not, and how amicable things are in future is down to him. Leave now on good terms or be forced out in hatred and anger.

You are used to him having all the power. It doesn't have to be that way, but you need to start asserting yourself and not taking his shit.

[perfectstorm]

His stubbornness is because he doesn't want to lose his maid/laundress/bottle-washer. If he wanted his wife he'd jump through any hoop you held up.

This. This exactly. But don't let him stay in the spare room - he has way, way too much expertise on working on your head until you normalise his emotional abuse to have him living in. See a solicitor first thing tomorrow if he doesn't go tonight, and make sure he knows that's what you're doing. He needs to know the worm has finally turned and you are done with his crap.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Already not doing chores, have done nothing for him in 5 weeks.

have seen solicitor who has said decree nisi is the only way to get him out, can only involve police if he becomes a threat to me or dcs (and be aware ss may become involved if violence suspected)

Have said about he's not respecting me by not doing as i ask. I just keep getting back he's too much to walk away from, no where to go, needs more time etc