to those who stayed after OH had an affair...

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Brief history. ..
H was caught out (again! ) in December. Says it was only emotional, but has admitted to 2 kisses with 2 different people. This time I was done, but he refused to leave (I couldn't as 2 dcs and no where to go).

This time he has however been scared shitless he could loose everything.
At the moment I can do no wrong. He is giving me regular lie ins, doing more house chores, flowers, notes etc. And most importantly taken himself to counselling
We are also in the hysterical bonding stage.

now...I don't know what I want.

I'm still miles off forgiveness, still not wearing my wedding rings.
I can't help but think this is all an act to get back in my good books (is this change too good to be true?)
But..what if this how things stay? (am I being too hopefull/stupid? )
Will I ever forgive?

So to those who have walked in my shoes, is there sunshine after the rain? I would appreciate hearing your experiences x

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

We started joint counselling, but I found it pretty useless, so he is now going on his own.

I guess I don't see the alternative as any better.

I believe only time will tell but do question if I can move on from it.
I don't know. ...

[Namechanger102]

Sorry - didn't read about his counselling before posting.

I'm a bit about him telling everyone what he's done. If he'd really understood the seriousness of it, why is he not so ashamed that he'd be desperate to keep it quite. It sounds as if he is behaving like a child who has done something a bit naughty and thinks that if they fess up and be a good boy, everyone will will forgive and it'll all be ok.

It's very much not as simple as that.

[Namechanger102]

quite not quite.

[Namechanger102]

quiet

[nauticant]

I still snoop email, flirting website accounts.

If you stay together you could be doing this for decades. Just the thought of that makes me feel so sad for you.

[Badvoc]

Why should he stop?
Look at it from his pov - he cheats, you stay.
Why should he stop?
He doesn't love you. Or the dc.
Do you get something out of being treated "well" by him after he is found out?

[Namechanger102]

Please don't stay with him if you can't get to a point where you can trust him far more than you could before all the cheating started. To live your life double checking and snooping would be soul destroying.

[Namechanger102]

IMO a EA/kissing is every bit as bad as shagging. I can't see the distinction at all.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

I know his behaviour is awful, but he does love dcs, I can see that.

But this time he has shown he wants to change, he doesn't want life to carry on like this.
I don't want to regret making him go if there is a chance my family can stay together

[Namechanger102]

He can be a good parent and love the DCs whether you are together or not.

What would you advise your DD if someone was causing her this much pain?

[EirikurNoromaour]

He wAsnt sorry enough the first, second, third, fourth etc times, so why is he sorry enough now?

[LilyBlossom14]

you can make him leave now and sort out what you want, and then decide whether you want him back on your terms. He is just terrified of what he may lose so is spinning you a line - smacks of lip service to me, sorry.

how can he be a good parent while being unfaithful. He wasn't thinking of you or his children while with other women was he? I agree he can still be a good father and live elsewhere.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

X post with Soda a bit there.
I agree with a lot of what you have said and think the letter is a good idea.

I will not be rushed into a decision and if he starts getting arsey I won't be rushed, he will have to go.

Agree the kisses/EA were crossing the line as much as snagging. Its still betrayal

[LilyBlossom14]

sadly I think if he has admitted to kissing it probably has gone a lot further. First rule of a cheater, never admit the full truth and minimize and minimize again. Following the script probably.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

I know what you're saying Lily and it does haunt me what really went on, but does that actually change anything?

[Namechanger102]

I think Lily is right. You need to take control of this situation. He cheated and that means he's lost the right to choose. He needs to respect what you decide now if he wants to show he has respect for you at all.

I think he needs to spend time living elsewhere while he proves to you that he is 100% committed to rebuilding your trust in him. It'll also give you time to understand your own feelings.

If time apart gives him the opportunity for further cheating and he chooses to take that opportunity, then you have your answer.

[LilyBlossom14]

No - it doesn't change anything. But you don't have to decide to accept it, you really don't.

I am sorry if what I am saying is harsh. You are in denial, and I have been there, trust me, I know exactly how you feel. It is horrid, you will lie to yourself constantly because the truth is so bloody hard to accept, you will do anything or say anything to justify what he has done. But it isn't on and it isn't acceptable. Soon he will tell you to stop harping on about it, it is done now. You won't be allowed to get upset or angry about it. You won't dare to unless he storms off and is unfaithful again. So like a good girl you will toe the line, be on your best behaviour, be proud of yourself for winning him back (you are better than the others, he picked you!) - he will revert to type and the cycle will continue. And all along your self esteem will be on the floor.

You and your children deserve so much better. Have you been chatting up, talking sexually, kissing, messaging and maybe more with other men? Nope, I bet you haven't - not even part of your life any more is it as you have a family who you love and cherish.

Why is it ok for him to do this?

[Jan45]

Asking him to go is a good idea, otherwise you're just repeating the same as before and will probably be doing so again.

Make it different this time, tell him to move out and if he's really serious about you then he'll have to prove it by his actions. Allowing him to stay is pretty much giving him the green light to do what he always does, once the dust has settled.

Loving his children is not enough, he needs to love you 100%, not as and when he chooses.

[QualityJanitor]

This time I was done, but he refused to leave (I couldn't as 2 dcs and no where to go).

OP, you are flogging a dead horse, really.

Your husband treats you with contempt, and you are trying to put a gloss on it because you feel there is no alternative.

[CoffeeTea103]

Unfortunately you are going to be hurt many many times over, but you will only realize this when he's absolutely broken you down and then you will look back at the situation for what it was.

[oldfatandtired1]

My H had his first affair 13 years ago, after 11 years of marriage. I forgave - he was working far away from us - but all I did was give him carte Blanche to do it again - and again - and again . . . He left me 2 years ago for his secretary. We are now in the middle of a hideous divorce as he thinks he can give me half the house and that's it. I wish I'd had the courage to leave years ago. While I am happy on my own and have made new friends(even though 24 year old DS lives with me and so does his brother when home from Uni) - at the age of 53 I think it's unlikely I'll meet someone else. One affair can be forgiven if the guilty party is truly sorry and does all they can to make amends - if they do it again? No.

[NakedTigarCub]

Yes he is a changed man and loves you and doesnt want to loss you, his family, his cook, his cleaner or his home life. He wants to go back to normal. He will never do it again.

To make it work you must never snoop, trust him to not cheat and let him go out at night on his own and go on work trips and to work late without worrying or checking up on him. Can you do that?

Its not really about him at all its about you. Do you want to live like? Do you want your children to live like that?

[NakedTigarCub]

Also go to the gum clinic get tested and never have unprotected sex with him ever.