to those who stayed after OH had an affair...

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Brief history. ..
H was caught out (again! ) in December. Says it was only emotional, but has admitted to 2 kisses with 2 different people. This time I was done, but he refused to leave (I couldn't as 2 dcs and no where to go).

This time he has however been scared shitless he could loose everything.
At the moment I can do no wrong. He is giving me regular lie ins, doing more house chores, flowers, notes etc. And most importantly taken himself to counselling
We are also in the hysterical bonding stage.

now...I don't know what I want.

I'm still miles off forgiveness, still not wearing my wedding rings.
I can't help but think this is all an act to get back in my good books (is this change too good to be true?)
But..what if this how things stay? (am I being too hopefull/stupid? )
Will I ever forgive?

So to those who have walked in my shoes, is there sunshine after the rain? I would appreciate hearing your experiences x

[perfectstorm]

So HE needs more time, HE has too much to walk away from, HE has nowhere to go... and this is him trying to prove he now understands respecting your needs, wishes and emotions matters?

He hasn't changed, has he. Have you told him you can file for a decree nisi and get him out, and that an unreasonable behaviour petition is a rapid one? Essentially, has he been told he has the choice between a consensual separation or a forced divorce?

He still thinks you have to tolerate whatever shit he shovels on you, doesn't he. You really don't.

[LurkingCinners]

It's still all about him isn't it.

This is about you. Please hold on to the strength and follow through.

You can do it!

Don't engage with him, don't let him talk you round again, give you the sob story or make you feel like you are the unreasonable one here.

Sending you lots of strength to finally kick him to the curb!

[Stripyhoglets]

If he thinks he has too much to walk away from then he shouldn't have been repeatedly unfaithful and risked losing it. He doesn't get to make the choice now you know, you do.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

I completely agree. But he WILL NOT GO!
I feel unless I go (f knows where with 2dcs in tow), we will be under the same roof.

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

What they said.

He has realised he can't fuck you over any more and he is panicking.

[AnyFucker]

He will be forced to go If you divorce him.

[perfectstorm]

Then file for the decree nisi. You can withdraw the petition later if you want,it's not final until the decree absolute and is designed to give both parties time for reflection, but the shock may make him realise you mean it this time and give you the space. He's not taking you seriously - so make him. If he whines, point out that you asked him to give you time, warned him this would happen if he didn't, and now the consequences of his choices are appearing. That's normally what happens to adults when they fuck around- up.

Right now he has contempt for you and thinks you'll take whatever he wants to give you. Wipe the smirk off by standing up for yourself... and your children.

[perfectstorm]

Have said about he's not respecting me by not doing as i ask. I just keep getting back he's too much to walk away from, no where to go, needs more time etc

I'm afraid I think the answer to your original post is in there, loud and clear, and from his own lips. He still doesn't give a fuck about your feelings or needs. Only his own. That's not the "change" he's insisting he's making, is it.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Ive just been reading through the gumf I got from legal advice.
I have to file for divorce 1st (costing £410). Then if he agrees (which I doubt he will), he has up to 3 weeks to say he does then I can apply for nisi. Or if he doesn't the courts decide if I can apply (so in addition to the 3 weeks, the time for court hearing).
Does this sound right? (Why didn't I do my degree in law?!)

[perfectstorm]

Post in Legal and ask. They'll be able to talk you through the procedural side with real expertise. You only work outside the home part-time, I think? So you may be eligible for concession court costs, as people on low incomes can be, and you're separating. Again, ask in Legal.

If he gets any sort of legal advice, he won't disagree, actually. Your petition sets out facts and all he can do if he disagrees is contest them - he's disagreeing that the marriage has broken down, and that it's because of what he's done, basically, which anyone with a brain would know is a non-starter. And the test is subjective, and if it went to a hearing he'd lose, plus look such an arse. Repeated cheating/joining a dating site when married is not most people's idea of reasonably tolerable behaviour.

The costs of getting him out will be far, far less than the costs of finding a new place, as well as massively less disruptive to the kids. And if you know what you need to do and how much it costs, you can tell him you have taken legal advice and he has two choices: force you into a final decision by filing for divorce to force him out, or voluntarily leave as you have asked. If he still refuses, then you have to file, I think. He's proven how little you mean to him if he selects that option.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Just posted on Legal.

Thank you perfectstorm for all your posts and advice

[perfectstorm]

You are so very, very welcome. Just... don't let him continue to treat you like something he's scraped off his shoe, or like you don't deserve any better. You deserve a lovely bloke who treats you as well as you treat him.

Hope he pushes off tomorrow, and you can start to move forward without him constantly playing with your head. xxx

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Doesn't look like Decree nisi can make him go either as house is owned in both our names. It would be discussed in our 'finances' before absolute can be done. And things have to be agreed, and he's not the agreeable type!

[perfectstorm]

It would be a court-ordered settlement if he wouldn't agree. And though a decree nisi isn't an overnight solution it is a definite one, and within a fairly short time frame. Besides, if he knew you had filed and you told him the only way you'd withdraw the petition is if he accepted a formal separation for say 6 months, and signed an agreement to move out for that time, you might be amazed at what he would suddenly be agreeable to. As it is, you're allowing him to bully you, control and manipulate you, and ride roughshod over your needs, which is what he's done your whole marriage. There is a way to force change, and as your solicitor told you, it's to file for divorce. You can get him out that way. It may not happen overnight but it will happen with relative speed. There's nothing he can do to stop it.

Look, Humous: if you want to stay, even knowing he will continually cheat and never change and your mental health will always be affected, and your kids will grow up in this, then you are an adult, and it is your decision, and can only be your decision. But if you want him to go, and want better for yourself and your kids, a decree nisi starts the process to get him out. It's the only way. It IS your decision... but at the same time, it's one he is bullying you into. Do you really think that this marriage is ever going to be one that makes you happy? Offers you peace of mind? Enables you to raise happy and contented children?

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

No it isn't

Depression really taken hold of me again the past few days. This is such a mess.
Getting out of bed, going outside is a challenge.

I think I'm going to be looking into rental for me and the kids. I know a small maisonette is available in our village, its far from ideal but may show I mean it?

[perfectstorm]

If it's your mental health or the house, absolutely you must move. Definitely get that rental, get your benefit situation sorted and file for child support via the CSA. At the moment they don't count child support at all when calculating all forms of benefit, so it's an extra on top, which will help.

You need headspace, and he is refusing to give it to you because I'm afraid he knows a depressed and bewildered you will take shit a together and rested one won't. So take it by whatever means you need to. Definitely pop to the estate agent and see the place, and if it's okay I would take it, yes.

You know, I was with a guy like your husband in my late teens and early twenties, and my response (in terms of mental health, as well as ability to see through his lies, and view the situation and his behaviour as it was in the whole, instead of brief flashes of hurt about individual events with a vague underlying misery and hopelessness) was identical to yours. Im now very happily married to a lovely, kind, faithful, intelligent and interesting man who loves me very much, is a great dad and I'm about to have our second child at almost 40. Life is genuinely pretty bloody wonderful, and I have had no mental health problems whatsoever since a year after I cut all contact with the arse (who is, I may add, making another woman just as miserable as he did me, I know through the grapevine- and God, how I pity her). You CAN be happy, you CAN have a lovely life, and your misery now is a perfectly rational and reasonable response to how he is treating you. There's nothing wrong with you at all. You're being emotionally abused, and the wounds are an inevitable result of that. Get your own home and get free of his abuse, and you will start to heal.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Thank you, looking at property tomorrow x

[perfectstorm]

Really glad to hear that, lovely. in a new place with some time and space to breathe, you can work out what you really want - not what he wants, or what the likes of me think you should do, but what you really want for youself and your babies.

Keep us posted. A lot of people here are rooting for you.

[bigbaddomswife]

Hello Op

Been following your thread with interest. How are you feeling today? Have there been further developments?

Sending you hugs X

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Lost out on property , but landlord did say if it falls through with other people he will call me.

H went counselling yesterday (found invoice in his wallet so he definitely went! ). Apparently she helped him discover he did this to himself, not to hurt me. I responded with actually it's not all about him, he did this to US!
Regardless he still chose to behave in the way he did.

He did lots of crying, begging to be cuddle (which I refused) etc. Threatened not to go into work today, basically told him he had to, the same way I have to put a face on and raise our children.

Its exhausting me. Really down.

I can't see a way forward at the moment. Basic functions (feeding, dressing dcs etc) are such hard work, my mind is constantly flooded.

I have been reading a lot of threads on MN just to pass time sometimes

[perfectstorm]

Aww, I'm sorry about the place. Is there any hope of another within say a 15/20 minute drive, so you can keep them in the local area/friends?

Apparently she helped him discover he did this to himself, not to hurt me

He's such a narcissistic little shit, isn't he. Of course he's not doing this to try to hurt you - he's tried awfully hard not to get found out! He's doing it because he likes doing it and he thinks he can get away with it, and if only he can talk you into sitting down again and life to getting back to normal he can have his nice exciting well-compartmentalised life back. Other people don't factor in at all. I love how he thinks he can stamp all over you as long as that's just collateral damage to the main event, and that will make you feel so much better. If he really gave a damn about showing you respect and treating you well, he'd do as you ask and move the hell out.

I still do think you should file for a decree nisi. He might agree to move out for a set period of mutual reflection if he thinks the alternative is a guaranteed divorce, and then you'll be able to stay put with the kids and have some breathing room. It gives you a stronger negotiating position - right now he knows he can just refuse to do a thing he doesn't want and you'll swallow it, because that's always worked in the past.

You'll get there, lovely, and you WILL be happy again. This is a horrible time and he is being unspeakable, but you will get through this and out the other side if you keep being strong. I know that is so, so much harder than it sounds. You found Chumplady helpful before, right? Keep reading it - this situation is, sadly, not at all rare. But nor is getting out, through and past it.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Have been talked into going out for dinner with him tonight

I try to hold my ground but I'm just too weak. As sad as it is I think I need to accept this is how its going to be. Sorry to disappoint all my fantastic supporters. He is the one in control and I honestly believe he will stop at no cost to get his own way.

Thank you again for all your time and kind words

[LilyBlossom14]

you can just say no? You are not weak, but you are ground down and he is bullying you.

It doesn't have to be this way at all - don't you deserve better?

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

I have said no ALOT, he does not listen.

I try to stand my ground, but the arguments just wear me down so I end up giving in just for some peace.

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

That's terribly sad, and of course self-perpetuating.

Could you cancel? Mysterious cold/dodgy tummy?