to those who stayed after OH had an affair...

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Brief history. ..
H was caught out (again! ) in December. Says it was only emotional, but has admitted to 2 kisses with 2 different people. This time I was done, but he refused to leave (I couldn't as 2 dcs and no where to go).

This time he has however been scared shitless he could loose everything.
At the moment I can do no wrong. He is giving me regular lie ins, doing more house chores, flowers, notes etc. And most importantly taken himself to counselling
We are also in the hysterical bonding stage.

now...I don't know what I want.

I'm still miles off forgiveness, still not wearing my wedding rings.
I can't help but think this is all an act to get back in my good books (is this change too good to be true?)
But..what if this how things stay? (am I being too hopefull/stupid? )
Will I ever forgive?

So to those who have walked in my shoes, is there sunshine after the rain? I would appreciate hearing your experiences x

[jen2014]

Have you considered that without him you might meet someone who does deserve you? Who will stand up for you and support you?
My DH and his ex had just about the most acrimonious split and custody case you could conceive. But now he and I are married with kids, and she has married someone else and they too have kids. Access over DSD is (now) easy, plentiful and both parties hardly need to speak to each other.
He will never ever forgive his ex or be friends, but TIME HEALS. It really does I promise. But you need to make the break and endure the hard bit.

[LavenderGreen14]

Because he can still have a relationship with the children without having a relationship with you - it is possible.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

How can he not be in my life if he's an active father?

[LavenderGreen14]

He doesn't have to be in your life to still be an active father.

[WhateverTrevor83]

There's a difference between staying with him and him being in your life as your kid's dad and you choosing to stay with someone who cheats. It's up to you but if the 'lesser of two evils' robs you of your self esteem I can't see how you will survive mentally. No one is out to attack you... I just hope you can move on... however you see fit x

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

But he has to be in my life, he is DCs father. I see that I would be causing so much disruption and still have to deal with him.

I'm not staying with for the kids (I don't agree with that concept either), but for the lesser of two evils.

I am not actively choosing to be unhappy. I just see no way of being happy. He has said if I move away he will follow, my family are not supporting me, I don't want f up Christmas and birthdays for the rest of time.

[WhateverTrevor83]

I may as well be miserable with him and not have the upheaval for DCs

They will respect you a whole lot more when they are adults if you kick him out. Please. For you, for them - get that self respect back. My dad was a very naughty boy but for a long time I was angrier with mum than dad... I pitied her for putting up with it so long. When she finally threw him out I had a whole new found respect for her and she flourished in a totally new person (it sounds like a cliche, but you will get through it after the initial shock).

You all deserve so much better than this, really

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Stupid phone.

Split up.

It's a really unfair pressure to put upon your kids. And don't forget the guilt of 'well if it wasn't for me you could have been happy mum'.

Don't do it OP. Your happiness affects your children.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Yup.

I've said it before but I know 2 people who are well aware that the only reason their parents stayed together was because of the children.

My first friend hated her mum because of it.

The second knew that as soon as she moved out they would s

[LavenderGreen14]

staying together because of the children is the worst possible reason isn't it - you are showing them a dysfunctional adult relationship is normal.

Don't you and them deserve happiness and loyalty?

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

It's no life for your DC either. They deserve a happy mum and not to grow up feeling like they were the reason you stayed. You can be happy.

[PublicEnemyNumeroUno]

You may have been miserable for a while whilst separated, but that would go away and you'd start to actually live again and actually be happy. Staying with him will keep you miserable for as long as you're with him. This is no life for you :(

[MissScatterbrain]

One of the best advice we see on here for those recovering from infidelity is to focus on yourself and your life - look at getting out of the rut you are in and start developing your interests, career, training and friendships.

You need to prioritise your own needs and wants. Only you are responsible for your happiness. All of this work on yourself will improve your self esteem and put you in a much stronger position.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Checking back in, not sure why...
He left as asked, we couldn't go nc as DCs. After a few days it dawned on me, that he will always be in my life, because of DCs. So, because I'd rather not split Christmas and birthdays, have a messy divorce and be miserable, I may as well be miserable with him and not have the upheaval for DCs.
So...you guessed it...he's back.

Family have continued to be useless, it's just never talked about! It's like it has pushed me even further out of the family circle. I wish I'd never told them.

I see no way forward. Self esteem is an all time low, there is no single thing in my life that gives me joy. I have failed DCs, my family arnt there for me and the man I chose to marry and have kids with chose other women.

Sorry bit of a rant, just don't know what to do....

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Thanks all.

Sorry not been on for a few days, just trying to clear my head and my thoughts.

[perfectstorm]

Also thinking of you, Humous.

[DCRbye]

Sometimes op when someone has you dancing to their tune like that, there comes a "snap" moment when you realise that they are a waste of space. Sometimes it takes a while to come after you've had your confidence knocked. Hope you are okay

[CookieDoughKid]

Hi Op. Just checking in with you. Let me know if you have started a new thread. What's the current situation? Are you ok? Is he gone gone?

[perfectstorm]

Oh Houmous, just checking MN after a very long weekend (ill child) and this has seriously made my day. I hope that 2 weeks can somehow be extended, but meanwhile - WELL DONE YOU! You can do this, sweetheart. You are worth so much more. Have been thinking of you the past week, and this has been so nice to read. Keep being strong. He cannot dictate to you unless you let him - he's just had years of practice of making you think otherwise.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Only lurked because you've had wonderful advice here, OP, but I'm so pleased for you. Onwards and upwards now.

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

and all round.

I'm so glad for you.

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

After nearly 2 months of hell, he has finally gone.

only for 2 weeks, but he has gone

[perfectstorm]

Not to mention joining a dating agency as a single man, with photos of the DC blurred in the background of his profile image, in order to faciltate continued cheating.

He won't stop because he doesn't see why he should. Any more than he sees why he should move out. Or that his wife's reaction to his behaviour might deserve rather better from him than telling her there's no point her calling the police when she feels threatened by him, because her depression - caused by him - means his version will be the one they believe, anyway.

OP, is this man really one your children should be living with? Is this "marriage" really the template you want for their own futures, as his parents' identikit version was for him?

[Viviennemary]

If somebody is cheated on once. Massive failing. Some people can forgive others can't. That's up to them. But constant cheating and making up and promises to do better in future. No.