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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to those who stayed after OH had an affair...

207 replies

houmousandcarrotsandwich · 23/01/2014 09:17

Brief history. ..
H was caught out (again! ) in December. Says it was only emotional, but has admitted to 2 kisses with 2 different people. This time I was done, but he refused to leave (I couldn't as 2 dcs and no where to go).

This time he has however been scared shitless he could loose everything.
At the moment I can do no wrong. He is giving me regular lie ins, doing more house chores, flowers, notes etc. And most importantly taken himself to counselling
We are also in the hysterical bonding stage.

now...I don't know what I want.

I'm still miles off forgiveness, still not wearing my wedding rings.
I can't help but think this is all an act to get back in my good books (is this change too good to be true?)
But..what if this how things stay? (am I being too hopefull/stupid? )
Will I ever forgive?

So to those who have walked in my shoes, is there sunshine after the rain? I would appreciate hearing your experiences x

OP posts:
Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 23/01/2014 12:04

I Have been for sti tests, all clear

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 23/01/2014 12:41

He loves himself far more than his children. He puts his dick and ego first. Not his children. He has risked the health and mental wellbeing of his Dc's mother by shagging around.

What grown men would stop at a kiss when they have the opportunity to take things further? he is minimising like 99% of cheaters.

Until he starts being honest and open (he is still lying and being secretive - no way were these just kisses) there is no chance of it working at all. Sorry.

All the things he's doing are sticking plasters - hoping that in time you will sweep things under the carpet and he can go back to his philandering ways, having learned better how to cover his tracks.

My advice is to focus on yourself and rebuilding your own life - work, friends, hobbies, training etc. Put yourself in a strong position so that you do not need weak men like him in your life.

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 23/01/2014 12:48

I just don't believe he's that "typical".

Am I just that stupid?

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 23/01/2014 12:51

Not stupid. In denial probably. Most people cannot believe that their OH are capable of cheating despite evidence to the contrary. It hurts too much otherwise.

Jan45 · 23/01/2014 12:53

MissScatterbrain: excellent advice there. OP of course you are not stupid, who would want to believe the man they love is capable of doing such a thing and over and over, it's a bloody hard thing to accept.

MissScatterbrain · 23/01/2014 12:53

good link re remorse

FeckinNC · 23/01/2014 12:55

He has been unfaithful to you time, and time, and time again and yet you don't believe his behaviour is that "typical"?

He won't change. He will do it again. Hasn't he had enough chances? Develop some self respect OP. You deserve better. I'm so sorry, I have been there but you deserve so much better than this.

TippiShagpile · 23/01/2014 12:57

Is he definitely attending the counselling sessions? Are you sure?

From the outside it looks like it's all a big act on his part.

I imagine he has become more and more remorseful every time you've found out he's cheated. Is that the case?

I wouldn't be surprised if 5 is only the tip of the iceberg - as you say, he didn't confess, you rumbled him.

Sad
LilyBlossom14 · 23/01/2014 12:58

his behaviour is typical of a cheater - you prob need to take those rose tinted glasses off and see he for what he is, rather than the man you hope and want him to be. He is not the man you are in love with - and that is a very big thing to come to terms with - so yep, you will be in complete and utter denial and disbelief. Next stage should be fury which hopefully will spur you into action and make you stand up for yourself.

cheeseandpineapple · 23/01/2014 13:04

no way were these just kisses

Well, I don't think any of us here can say that. I think it's possible that it might just have been kisses. When I was young and naive I had a very flirty relationship with someone at work who was married, we kissed once and that was it. It didn't go beyond that.

But I think if I had pushed it, it might have done.

And that's the point it's not whether he kissed or did more, it's the fact that he's been open to the possibility of something which is a betrayal and he's allowed himself to overstep a number of times and put himself and his family in harms way.

Could he really have changed and is this the big shake up he needs? I think that's completely possible too.

But can you, OP, forgive him and move on, well that really is down to you and you alone, who you are and how much of a big picture person you are.

Maybe you should go for counselling too, so you can find out?

Even if someone comes here to say it all worked out well for them and might give you some hope, you have to find out if you can both genuinely put it behind you and start afresh. Perhaps you need to get counselling together?

CookieDoughKid · 23/01/2014 13:11

Sorry but I've no positive stories for you. In my experience and reading these threads I've not known any serial cheater to stop.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 23/01/2014 13:20

I agree with that. Someone who cheats once can get a horrible shock and genuinely vow not to do it again, but multiple times? Five times? That points to a fundamental character flaw and disregard for/misunderstanding of normal relationships.

LilyBlossom14 · 23/01/2014 13:23

Op how did you find out? - you say caught out so he didn't confess and admit it did he. someone found out and told you, or you found out via snooping?

Namechanger102 · 23/01/2014 13:23

I agree Horatia but I'd also add that even 1 incidence of cheating = character flaw and that flaw needs to be properly addressed for the relationship to continue successfully.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 23/01/2014 13:28

Good point. It isn't necessarily the same flaw though. Could be naivety or thoughtlessness rather than callous disregard for proper relationship behaviour.

mrshap · 23/01/2014 13:42

Concentrate on you, on becoming happy within yourself, your happiness does not depend on your dh. Its a horrible way to live when you are constantly on edge.
Go out and start living your life outside of the relationship and see what develops.

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 23/01/2014 13:44

Evidence has always presented itself, left laptop on, got a text message on one of the rare occasions phone wasn't stapled to him etc
I found out about the kisses and details by snooping (only after initial evidence has presented itself)

We tried joint counselling, if anything it made me want out more. Counsellor seemed to take his side.
I believe he is still going, he tells me about what they have discussed each time. He goes once a week on his day off.

He does tick the criteria of genuine remorse on the chump lady website.

OP posts:
desperatelyseekingsolace · 23/01/2014 13:51

counsellor seemed to take his side? Hmm

take it this counsellor was a man....

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 23/01/2014 13:57

No woman.

She just said re him going to give me space, that one of us had to compromise. Seeing as he lives under the roof and doesn't want to go...looks like it will be me comprising.
She talked me into letting him stay over xmas before that.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 23/01/2014 13:58

I doubt the counsellor was taking any sides, it maybe just felt like that to you. Nobody with even half a brain is going to agree with his behaviour.

Unless you make a stand this time, be prepared for more of the same, once this one's been swept under the carpet.

It's not just about him feeling remorse, it's finding out why he feels the need to cheat, for me, it would signify he's not in the relationship 100%, not even close, why do you want to be with a man who's half in and half out? Are you not even angry? You almost sound resigned to accepting this is the way it is.

dozeydoris · 23/01/2014 14:01

The DCs would think you had given the relationship lots of chances if he has messed around 5 times, so don't think that is a viable reason to stay.

And you seem to talk as if he will not be in DCs lives or not there for them if he moves out, when, in fact, he might spend more time with them on his own than he does now (or that has been my experience in relation to some family members, the Dad's have to step up to the plate as they are now on their own, and it is good for the DCs and their relationships).

Original poster
houmousandcarrotsandwich · 23/01/2014 14:04

I was livid, angry beyond words.
I wanted him out, he refused to go. I guess with the time that has already passed I have lost the anger

he his having the counselling to try and understand his unexceptable behaviour, for both of us.

OP posts:
HoratiaDrelincourt · 23/01/2014 14:13

So he'll do anything to get you back ... except what you want and what the counsellor recommends?

He isn't trying terribly hard, is he.

Leavenheath · 23/01/2014 14:15

I see from your other thread that he's been doing this since the start of your marriage and that when you went on your Christmas do last month, he joined a dating website when he was meant to be looking after his children.

When confronted, he blames the various women for coming on to him and even had the brass neck to blame one for having form for causing trouble in people's relationships.

All the information you've ever had never comes from him. You keep unearthing new information which suggested on your last thread that sex had taken place, at which point he 'remembered' more.

He refuses to observe your boundaries by moving out and giving you space.

Love, the reason he's acting like he is at the moment is because he regards you as a new OW to woo and lie to. Plus he doesn't want to lose his safety net. Who knows whether he's turning up for counselling? Probably not I'd say but it's such a handy cover story isn't it? Money to spend and no way of checking he's going, as ethically they can't tell you whether he's there or not...

You've backed down so many times now he can hardly have any respect for you left.

Please see this.