Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

curt he wants to play the family - his way - all out for Sunday lunch, with your part in this to look after the DC, is that it? And he plays Big Daddy by paying?

I think I'd go for option C - you could offer him to take DD1 on her own?

He must think you're amazing for managing to take all 3 out on your own

shimmering If they were a handful I could understand where he was coming from but they're really not! If I can manage sainsbury's on a saturday afternoon with twins in the trolley and DD1 on a harness, and make it home with all four of us unscathed, and reasonably happy, you'd think he could cope with a couple of hours in a restaurant. Wrong.
I offered him option C but he's having none of it..all or nothing. So it looks like it's Toby carvery for us on sunday.

Meeting for lunch doesn't sound like a great way for him to spend time with his DCs. It sounds like a great thing to be able to show off about afterwards about what a generous man he is, that's all.

Wouldn't an hour at the park/indoor play centre be better? Don't suppose he's reasonable enough that you could point that out to him!

charlotte I've mentioned a soft play centre I take them to locally more than once but it's on deaf ears. He can't 'cope' with the noise and bluster of our own three DC for very long without blowing a fuse..and he has no time at all for other people's kids. A soft play centre is his idea of hell. Luckily I don't mind at all, I worked in a nursery and loved the chaos so we're always somewhere noisy and fun when it's just us .

curt that was exactly my point (or one of them).

And how did you get good at this? By taking them out of course. Unless he does, how will he learn? I don't suppose he even wants to learn.

Just finished Lundy, very powerful, wish I could send fw ex to him!

Will catchup on thread now

shimmering For about the first 3 weeks of DD1's life he was great, hands on, in love, had me expressing milk so he could do feeds. It waned at around 4-6 weeks and suddenly he would rather be out on an evening/weekend. Turned out he was having an EA with a random girl he'd met. Parenting picked up again when it ended and we worked through the fall-out. Then with the twins he was the same..no EA this time though, he started working away for three weeks out of every four when they were a few weeks old.
He's good with them, don't get me wrong, and he loves them to bits, he just won't take full responsibility for them. I couldn't make him when we were together so I certainly can't make him now we're separated.

Of course you can't make him! Nor should you. I was just musing...

or rather, it was more like an internal rant on your behalf, which I hoped might make you feel validated in your boundary keeping, if you needed it.

Ex hasn't taken the DCs out on his own, ever. Not once in 7 years. Now, of course, I couldn't let him anyway due to history of PA/VA.

I will be sending an email tonight asking what his "intentions" are regarding contact visits, as obviously when he lives hours away, he is not going to be seeing them regularly. I also want to make sure that he is not looking at the DCs coming to visit him at the OW's house, as that is most surely not going to happen.

And I want him to verify that he will continue with child maintenance at the agreed upon rate (or increase it when appropriate if he earns more than what he was earning).

I'm going to ask for his home address and landline. I already have it, but I want to see if he "withholds" it or not. I will only be advising him re the DCs if they are life-threateningly ill. No point as he'll be hours away and won't do anything anyway. If he doesn't like that, I will simply point out that it was HIS choice to move away from them, thus physically and realistically removing himself from their day-to-day lives. He's pretty much destined to be a "card/gift at birthday and Christmas" dad now, which I have to say is probably less stressful for us.

Thanks shimmering, I think DC are destined to remain 'show kids' to stbxh. He's great at the grand but ultimately hollow gestures, I also think he likes to make out to friends that we still do stuff together with DC, like we're buddies (he'll put a pity spin on it knowing him, or 'she can't quite let go of me') even though I made it clear it's for DC sake not his.
alice The email sounds like a good idea. Do you think he will with hold his address? I still don't have stbxh's. His argument is if he's not taking DC there, I don't need it.
Bank today. They advised me to just get him to sign a letter saying his name needs removing from the joint account, that way I don't need to faff about attempting to open a new one. Bless. They think he's a reasonable human being. Fingers crossed bank gets sorted today.

I removed myself a long time ago from contributing to his 'indulgent, magnanimous, tolerant and calm father' dillusion, making out hes the poor guy with the mad ex, whilst expecting me to play along with a dillusion to the world.

Freedom means freedom from that kind of crazy making...

if the bank phone him Curt and ask him to come in to sign it?

fairy The bank can't force him to remove his name but it's all good. Finally spoke to someone who said they didn't know who'd told me I'd need loads of id for a solo account, everything they need is already on record plus I still have an active card. They opened me a new account using my debit card for joint account and my water bill!
So I've been fobbed off and worried about my money for the last three weeks all because whoever I spoke to there obviously didn't have a bloody clue. Grrrr.
Anyway..sorted

Curt so glad that's sorted for you now. What a huge relief it must be!!

I'm doing alright today. I went shopping with a friend, picked up a housewarming gift for someone, something to put aside for DS2's birthday coming up in a few months, and a lovely candle for my house. Then had tea and biscuits (I know - shame on me, cheating on my diet!!) at her house and chatted for a bit while my car was in the shop.

I finally found the wallpaper for my bedroom that I'd bought ages ago and had misplaced. But hey, all sorted. I'd contemplated putting it in the living room, but now I think I like the other one I picked for the living room better. So many decisions!

More car repair today! £125 worth!! Eeeeek! Thank goodness that's all done. Just one more minor (cosmetic) repair that can wait until late spring, as I have other things I'd rather spend the money on right now - like the garden and the living room.

I have picked up something for MIL for mother's day and will be bringing it to her tomorrow. The boys wanted to get her flowers, but I suspect over the next week she will be overwhelmed with flowers due to the funeral, so I've picked her up some lovely chocolates, a bottle of her favourite tipple, and a bit of cake to tempt her to eat a bit more. The funeral is just before mother's day, and we won't be able to get over there that weekend, so this way we can simply have it a week early without running in to ex. Happiness all the way around.

I'm going to continue to do things at my pace. When I allow myself to be rushed, I end up making poor decisions and regretting them later. No texts or emails will be answered immediately. I will take the time to consider it from all angles and possibly even sleep on it in order to make sure I am calm when I respond. Thus far it's working well.

no I didn't mean that they could 'force' him Curt but if the bank phones FW i did believe that that would give greater potential for better outcome. I know that FW wouldn't do anything I asked just out of principle you see... my experience [sigh] If official channel make the request [due to current circumstances and worries about meeting financial commitments, etc] perhaps compliance more likely.. but not for sure tho of course as hes still a fW

its great that you have your account in place now tho... finally! things should be a lot easier ... phew..

alice..such a relief! One less thing to worry about! Sounds like you've had a nice afternoon. I finally got my new living room curtains and just put them up. They look fab .
Setting off to my parents soon, it's my mum's birthday so there's cards and chocs and flowers plus a few more bits n bobs. DF got her a cake too so that's good .
fairy I initially asked the bank if they would contact him a few weeks back, and the official line was a firm 'no, we don't involve ourselves in separations.' So that told me! Sorted now at long last with a shiny new account, and as soon as I'm sure everything has changed over, I'm taking my name off the joint one.

hurrah!.. good endings all round, but Curt you are equally 'not allowed' to remove your name from joint account/joint responsibility.

Had to laugh though. The only thing he has posted on his "new" FB account is self-pitying crap about his sister. He doesn't mention that as much as he's "grieving" for her, he up and abandoned his mum to it and trotted off with his "bit on the side" on set up happy families with her and her kids, whilst abandoning his own kids, after being kicked out for being abusive to his kids and wife.

I suspect there will be a few surprises at the funeral when people who don't know what's been going on see him with a different person and no kids, instead of with me.

Ooh alice it sounds like he might be hoist by his own petard before much longer! Stbxh had all our mutual 'friends' on side because he is a very accomplished and convincing liar. But...I've started hearing bits of info from various people that his 'separation story' changes on occasion, tripping himself up on his own bullshit no doubt. He did that every so often..got so caught up in his own crap he forgot what he'd told me and would tell me something different . Sounds like this is what's happening now. Good. I never had to open my mouth, he's doing a great job of shooting himself in the foot.
Gotta love karma .
And there will certainly be some raised eyebrows at your sil's funeral, alice, that's for sure!

If anyone does the "where's your wife and kids??" comment, it will get back to me. And I'm sure it will be discussed.

My flooring is done - and it looks so amazing! I keep walking out into the hallway just to "oooh" and "aaaah" over it. I'm obviously easily pleased.

Well done you . I'm looking forward to re-grouting the tiles in the bathroom and laying lawn turf in the back garden. It's gravelled so not ideal for tiny people unsteady on their feet!
Had too much cake at my parents but happy to report DD1 is no longer having a panic at being at nanna and grandads which is a relief (and had my mum beaming).
Toby carvery on sunday has been cancelled. Got a very brusque text from stbxh saying 'sunday's off.' Didn't bother replying. He bangs on about not seeing enough of DC but it's certainly not me who's stopping him.
Pamper night tonight, bath, crap tv and a takeaway.

Stupid FW! His GIRLFRIEND is staying with MIL for the entire weekend. Then she's going back sunday afternoon, and both of them are coming back on Monday morning. So literally NO time for me to stop by with the DCs to see her. I'm telling you, he did this on purpose as last week he was pissed that we were there visiting her. Stupid stupid.

I rang him and asked him when she was leaving, as MIL was too uncomfortable to ask, and had no idea. He was all "she is my GIRLFRIEND, you can be respectful." oh FFS. So I said "yeah, well, technically I am your WIFE but that got no respect."

Miserable bastard. So now DCs don't get to see her for over 2 weeks, after we had made plans to go see her tomorrow (as MIL thought FW's OW was only going to be there for the day today).