Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

fairy I do have his number but I can't stop using the account as it's the only one I have and if I freeze it, I won't get essential moneys in there to live on (child benefit, tax credits etc) as I have no alternative account for them to be paid into. If they'll let me open a new account then I can cut my ties with the joint one but right now it's all I have.
Just another day in 'aaarrgghh, will this ever end land'! And to add to it, my DM has gotten all touchy over 3yr old DD1 being clingy with me and not wanting to leave my knee when we visit my parents. I think it's down to me having to leave DC there whilst emptying the family home, which always involved a nasty confrontation with stbxh and I'd arrive back at my parents to pick DC up in tears and exhausted. My parents love DC to bits and are brilliant with them, so I can see why DM is upset by this apparent blanking by DD1 but she doesn't seem to consider how hard this has been on a three year old. She lost her home and her daddy and I think the clinginess could be fear of losing me too plus associating grandparents house with mummy crying.
DM is being huffy with me after I visited earlier because I ended up cutting it short as DD1 wanted to ho home. I love DM to death but there are times when I wish she'd cut me a bit of slack. My marriage ended ffs, yes by my own choosing, but not a decision I took lightly and not without tears upon tears at what should and could have been, and not a choice I ever wanted to have to make!
I am just 'getting on with it' but some days I still just want to sit and sob and sob til I have nothing left, so I can feel empty.

oh no Curt I don't think many understand, but its so hard when someone close really isn't supporting. DC will recover thankfully, just hope your DM can manage that too?

Will the bank open another quickly for you? It seems to be very difficult? I know I had an account set up very quickly too, over something completely different, to do with budgeting, but it was done in a phone call.

fairy I asked about opening a solo account seeing as I've been with them all my adult life and without passport or driving license they've said it could prove difficult. Grrr. Hopefully the bank appointment next week will be more helpful than the person I spoke to last week!
DM..she's in her late seventies so I'm trying to be gentle with her, whilst holding it together for three very young DC. I have a trip to the soft play centre planned tomorrow, hoping it'll be a good distraction for them.
And tonight I have chocolate and wine and a bit of pampering for myself in the shape of a lovely lush bathbomb to round off a crap week. Might even bite the bullet and re-activate my FB account!

have the best evening Curt to put a stop on the worst week, you deserve the break, goodness!

and enjoy your w/end playing in the softplay, such fun

I don't understand your bank, they have all your credentials, but I know even in very recent times there has been a lot of stricter measures brought in since I went through this, perhaps that is making the difference.

I am not an advocate of farcebook, especially under these circumstances, its another face of you that he could use, and in combination with wine and upset week probably I'd avoid .

Thanks fairy..I've heard from a few people that opening a bank account these days is a nightmare. I thought that as I already had the joint account it might be easier. We shall see what they see next week, in the meantime I'm trying not to worry too much (easier said than done).
I'm on the fence about FB, I know if I re-acivate there'll be a volley of questions and 'well meaning' advice . I also know from my brother (before he blocked him) that stbxh has been very vocal on there about me and the separation. Maybe avoidance is the best course of action.

Well, it looks like I will be contacting CSA soon. MIL just rang me. STBXH has up and moved already, didn't even wait for his sister's funeral, just left MIL on her own. God, I am so angry I could scream!

He's jacked in his job and moved. The only up side is that his family is now seeing the behaviour that only I was seeing before. I have to say they're not impressed.

alice ..the upside is at least you should be surer of maintenance if CSA are involved, and like you say, his family are more aware of what an arse he is. So sorry, I'm not surprised you're angry.
I haven't had a penny out of stbxh yet, still waiting for maintenance services to get back to me and wondering if having no forwarding address for him will slow the process?

I can live without the money. It's the principle of it all. He's just abandoning the DCs and his mum. And I'll bet money that he ignores his debts as well.

That's true. How anyone can do that, live with themselves after doing that..it beggars belief.
So far stbxh sets aside a whole two hours a week for our DC and a five minute call to DD1 maybe once a week, always assuming I haven't had 'attiude', in which case he cancels. He can't be arsed. He's not a parent, he's a visitor and it makes me sick.

Good God. Alice, he sounds like a sociopathic arse, and it's about time his family realises what's going on. His own sister's funeral???

Curt: I am completely furious on your part that the bank is being such a dipshit. I looked at that link about bank accounts and from what you say, you could open a basic account with the co-op. But of reckon you should demand much better from you bank when you see then and threaten to leave if they don't support your entirely reasonable request. They're facilitating domestic abuse, otherwise, and as that's now illegal, they might want to consider their position. Unbelievable. Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!!

Hugs to you both. Jesus on a shiny bike!

melb14 yes, exactly. I spoke to his mum for awhile tonight on the phone and am visiting her with the DCs tomorrow. I've told her that anything she needs, she is to ring me without question. If I can help her, I will. I am just appalled over his behaviour, this is without question much further than even I thought he'd go.

melb14 thanks..when I told the girl in Barclays (nothing like sharing your most personal information in a busy branch on a monday lunchtime!) that I didn't feel my money was secure whilst my stbxh had access to it, she shrugged and said because it's a joint account he's legally entitled to withdraw it, even now we're separated, and that I had no right to ask him for his card back . Basically facilitating financial abuse. I was flabbergasted at the time but had three crotchety babies with me, so not best placed to kick off. I will be doing at my appointment though if they refuse to be more helpful!
alice he's lower than low..I'm so sorry.

CurtWild is it benefits that are going into the account? Don't they have another payment option for those that don't have a bank account? I'm sure I've seen something about that. Perhaps ring them and see?

and yes, lower than low. Just when I think he can go no lower, he slinks down further.

alice Just child tax credits and child benefit atm, there's no option for a post office account with those, plus all my direct debits are set up with it. Grrr just one more thing to arse around with.

Have you thought about getting a provisional licence just to use for ID to get the account set up? I know it's an expense, but might be worth it in the long run.

I'm hoping Barclays will stop being knobs and sort me out with a new account when I have my appointment next week. Failing that, it looks like getting a provisional is my next best move.
Seriously I could just cry today, it's been shit. And stbxh has just text asking if I'm a lonely old hag yet. Followed by a text that obviously wasn't for me but was 'accidently' sent to me, saying he'll meet whoever at the club and to 'bring extra johnnys' followed by far too many x's. Yuk. What a charmer.
Must not respond.

Nope, don't respond. I am pretty sure my STBXH is expecting me to ring him and go off about his recent behaviour, but I will not. I refuse to engage. I'll let CSA engage with him.

Eurgh they just love it don't they. He got nothing for the first text so backs it up with something even more provicative. Fucking juvenile. Not engaging. I've figured this pattern out. He'll send three texts each more provocative. I used to respond by the third and once I'd bitten he was on a roll, name calling, all kinds of emotional bullshit and as soon as I got into the swing..nothing. He'd just stop.
Now I just read the text and go back to whatever I was doing. He's actually pathetic. I'm over him, that's my breakthrough this week. I'm sad but I'm over him. Yaaay.

Curt: He's a pathetic, stupid dysfunctional arse and is obviously totally dependent on you to validate his life. This is a desperate man. Dear Christ. Just remind yourself when the next toxic sad bastard text pings in there's a whole battery of arms on hips women reading them and laughing at him with you. One sad fucker. He thinks he can bully you. Little does he know we're all watching. You're sorting him out by ignoring him. Next week sort out your bank. Give them one chance. Co op can open an account with a utility bill and proof of benefit, from that link. I suggest you do! Cut off every single route he has into your life. I hope he catches the clap. ;) x

Alice: damn right. Tables are turned. Now he's lost your attention. A part of me would love to see a hundred of us sending a hundred texts to each arse each time they send a horrid text or make a bullying call, just warning them each time they're a dick that we're watching them. Imagine their faces. ;) x

melb15 you're brilliant, thanks
As predicted the third text turned up, firstly apologising for 'accidently' texting me instead of 'unknown' and carrying on to say he probably won't be able to text me tonight cos he's going out. Like we'd be conversing?! Like I'd be sat here wondering why he isn't texting me?! Has he not figured out I'm ignoring him yet?!
I love that all you ladies are reading his texts, it makes them even more pathetic to know you're chuckling at them. Seems he's become dependant on getting a reply from me. What a bizarre turn of events..makes ignoring him even more empowering
Bank next week.
Bar of chocolate in the fridge.
Crap on tv.
Babies sleeping.
Peace and quiet.
Let him run round every club in town, I wouldn't trade places with him for the world.
And he hates johnnys so he probably will get the clap

I am simply biding my time. I know that as much as I'd love to go on FB (on his new account that he doesn't think I know about ) and completely "out" him and his behaviour, it won't serve any purpose in the long run.

My main focus is to keep my children and myself safe and happy. Anything else is lower priority at the moment.

He will neglect the child support and contact visits. I will document it all for future use.

I have a few things that I will be insisting on in future when the divorce begins. As long as that all goes through properly, that's all I care about.

There's no point warning the OW about his behaviour. Even if I told her, she wouldn't believe me. And she'll find out for herself eventually, I suppose, when the shine of the new relationship wears off. It's only a matter of time. Besides, they're so busy trying to put one over on me by him moving out of town, they haven't realised it makes life much easier and better for me that way. I doubt it will occur to them that I'd be quite happy for him to remain out of town indefinitely.

CurtWild My STBXH has apparently already caught something from the OW. Very amusing. I can't go into detail, but there was some poetic justice there IMO.

alice poetic justice indeed
I thought about re-activating my FB account but I've thought better of it. He's spread all sorts of lies and crap about me on there in the last few weeks. I have no desire to return the favour and the thought of mutual friends digging for info does nothing for me. I like that I can have an anonymous rant about it all on here because I really have very few outlets otherwise.