Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

for you curt the situation you describe is very familiar. so sad. but well done for knowing you are worth more xx

The trouble is FW's don't want us to have a voice.

But we do. Yes, it's exhausting being the bigger person sometimes. But I just got back from an hour long counselling session that I am now going to weekly. It feels so good to talk about what happened and try to get my head around it and just look at what the future holds and how to find positives in it all. The counselling is through a local charity, so I'm only paying £5 a week for it, which is affordable for me.

I highly recommend it, if nothing else but to give you a sounding board to get it all out.

Tweedle: you are a MILLION times better a mum than he is a dad. Just look at what you're writing. :) Nothing will stop or change that. And everything you do to guide your DCs through this is helping them build a) their resilience to troubles in life and b) their trust in you - and therefore others. :) GO YOU! :) :) :)

Curt: Jesus, what an arse. Yes - halfway there, and really into your stride. Don't worry about the occasional stumble; it just shows how impressive it is you're getting up again each time on such hard ground. And sometimes you have to lose sight of what you've left behind (scary) before you can really see where you're headed. :) Sounds like you've passed that milestone. No stopping you now. :) :) :)

to you both!!!!

alice That sounds really good, I might look into it. I've only just started telling people in rl about things, I got very good at putting on a brave face for our DC, family and friends but I don't feel the need to do that anymore. He can swan around acting the victim, I'll happily wave my survivor's flag because that's far more constructive and serves me better with regard to moving positively forward.

melb14 thanks..just talking to people on here has made me realise I so made the right move. Now I look forward to getting up in the morning and having a lovely day being fun (and sometimes a bit knackered), mummy, rather than upset mummy wondering what shit I'll have to deal with today . Worth is weight in gold.

Jesus curt how humiliating well done for walking away
I totally get the not having a voice. I dont feel like i have a voice. Fw goes on about how its my fault he werent at ds's birth, my fault he spent that day i was in labour in bed with someone else ('YOU dumped ME remember?' He says, so i guess he did it to hurt me). Im a bad person for that, even though it was cos he tried to have my kids taken by ss for not talking to him when he wanted.
Im a bad person for getting him warned by my solicitor, even though it was cos he was spreading hate about me online. And if i point this out ill get a barrage of verbal abuse, gaslighting, rewriting history... and absolutely wont accept responsibility for his action. Typical sociopathic behaviour
Nevertheless im still hurting like mad but also angry. He texted trying to make conversation with lols and hahahas as if we are old mates and he never said those horrible things few days ago they just dontget it do they!

*no mention of the handfuls of times he dumped me for no reason and i still stayed faithful

honey86 They really just don't get it, you're right. So sorry to read the stuff you've gone through .
It's my fault my stbxh can't cope with our DC because obviously I made him prioritise his friends and his social life over ante-natal appointments, midwife visits, bathtimes, bedtimes, feeding and changing etc. He left me to 'cope' on my own and I excelled at it. His loss.
Every now and then he'll text me things like 'shame we can't be friends' or 'do you miss me yet?' Learning to not respond then he gets nothing from me.
Today I had to attempt a conversation about bills from the old family home that need paying. He's told me tough, he won't contribute. I knew he'd be unreasonable, I guess this is phase 2 of him still having some control over my life. Not sure how to deal with it, I don't see why I should pay all these old joint bills but with no forwarding address for him, I can't point the bill companies in his direction whilst he's happily directed them all in mine .

curt do you have a work address for him?

TheShimmering No, he lost his job last year after his knobishness spilled into the workplace and got him sacked. I spoke to council tax today about the final bill for our old address (it's in joint names) and they don't have a forwarding address for him either. The bill would have been cleared last month but he emptied the joint account and I couldn't finalise any of the bills. She said to leave it until my finances have evened out and to contact them again in a month's time.
I tried to take his name off our joint account but the bank wouldn't help and said to just ask him to pop in with me . Like he's going to do that! I asked
him to at least let me have his debit card back but he refused and said he'd binned it. Asked at the bank (who I've been with since I was 16) if I could then open a new account and without a drivers license or passport (I have neither), they won't let me. Consequently I'm forever checking the account to make sure he hasn't touched it. Gaaah..it's never ending.

I'm exhausted from being the bigger person too

Sorry you're all going through such shit.

Fw sent dd a postcard today with an ending line of "we should live here". Had me in tears as soon as I read it. I don't know why he would want to use a card to her to upset me but then it set me off questioning whether I overreact to everything

gotanymore(hugs) that he's got to you with that.
I've had to deal with pig-headed stbxh far more today than I would've liked, and as soon as my babies are in bed I'm going to collapse and eat chocolate. I can't cry. It's weird because normally I'm very emotional. Running on caffeine and adrenalin today I think.

Jeez do you miss me yet? Id be like 'loooooolllllll lmfaooo'
Such a grandiosely arrogant thing to ask, but also typical of the ea fw. They sure are a one of a kind breed
Ive been humbled at how tiring and disorientating ea is, ive been in a ea relationship a few years back with an ex. He really was fcuked up in the head. He left me questioning my sanity. That ended when he found another sucker to latch onto. Then it all made sense. Thats why i cant understand why im in an ea relationship yet again but them fw's behaviour didnt get really bad til i was already pregnant x

curt, why will they not accept a birth certificate and proof of address for the bank account?

got, you are not overreacting. DD presumably lives with you and the comment is inappropriate and manipulative. It is a veiled fw version of the standard threat to go for full residency if you leave. How old is dd?

NCer here, and I should be in bed asleep!!

CurtWild I would ring around to other banks. I know people that have no passport or driver's licenses and they have bank accounts. If nothing else, try coop or Barclays for their basic account (no overdraft or anything like that - just very basic account) or perhaps Nationwide (as I believe you can open an account online with them, although I don't know their parameters). I would have thought as daffodildays says that birth certificate and a proof of address from something like council tax or rental statement would be sufficient.

Hi all..birth certificate isn't proof of identity they told me (Barclays who I bank with now and have done all my adult life!), neither is national insurance number apparently. They told me I could make an appointment and bring everything I have and they'll 'look into it'..another week before my appointment.
I've already had to tell stbxh not to use his card to buy android apps and please change the card details on his online game subscriptions - he owes me eleven quid so far, not a massive amount but there's barely anything going into the account as it is!

Definitely try another bank
Have a look at this link, which details what different banks ask for:

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/identity-requirements-for-basic-bank-accounts

Once you have another account, can you take your name off the joint one?

if you explain the situation to the bank, they will likely take a different view. Mine did.

banks are supposed to only freeze accounts with both signatures too, but that has also been done with just one signature, under these circumstances

daff Thanks, I'll take a look at that
Fairy I spoke to Barclays about the situation and they didn't care, I pointed out that my stbxh takes money from the account even though we are separated, and that I'm worried about the security of my money because I know if he's pissed off he'll take money just to spite me. Their answer was 'oh just get him to come in with you and we'll take his name off the account' so completely missing my point. And then telling me he has legal rights to the money, even though everything going in there now is in my name and he has a solo account for his finances. Just one more sodding thing to deal with on the road to freedom, like I don't have enough on I now have to wonder if my direct debits are going to bounce because of him and a very non-understanding and obstructive bank..gaaaaahhh! More coffee required. Sorry for the rant

Well, stbxh hasn't had a contact visit with the DCs for over 3 weeks now, and he doesn't plan on arranging anymore for at least another week or so. I guess he just expected me to press their "off" button as he seems to think they cease to exist when he's not with them. He hasn't even rung to speak to them or bothered to ask if how they're doing.

Obviously I enjoy not having to deal with him personally, it's highly unfair on the DCs. He went from verbally abusing them visiting them twice a week to nothing for what will be over a month. Then will visit them and move away, most likely not to see them again until perhaps in the summer once at their birthdays.

Nothing like abandoning your DCs.

well done for that rant lovely! get it out thats what I say

initially that was the line the bank took with me. I told them I would be coming to the branch and wanted to see a customer services manager/similar to hand in all my cards/cheque/paying in books and to remove myself from any responsibility with it. i did get to see someone and they did absolutely everything, including acting as a go between for us when removing and replacing standing orders and so on, and getting his signature.

alice eurgh..just when you think they can't stoop any lower. So sorry for your DC, it sounds like they handle it well. They shouldn't have to handle it at all When I was still engaging with stbxh I told him I thought he was very much in the mindset of 'out of sight, out of mind' when it comes to our DC, I'd felt for a long time like I simply stopped existing to him when he was out or working away, now it seems he's extended that to our DC
fairy I have an appointment next week with a Barclays advisor, although they don't seem to realise when it comes to dealing with stbxh, it's like trying to reason with the unreasonable, and if he can dangle the idea that he might just dip into the account over my head as a means of continuing control, there's no way he'll take his name off the account! I also don't have a forwarding address for them to contact him at (flatly refuses to give me it) and his solo account is with a different bank.
him at (flatly refuses to give me it) a.

Gah stupid phone playing up with my last post

do you have a telephone number for him Curt ? The bank were amazing in resolving it. They spoke to him direct saying that he had incurred large debts but also removed funds to meet them, and that I was rightly protecting myself by pointing this out and handing in cards,e tc to show I would not be using the account and had no further access to it. I think they seemed to have concerns about his intentions as regards responsibility towards meeting financial commitments.

Sorry tohear about the lack of parenting from him Alice - i recall texting the FW on the way into hospital in an ambulance to let him know, but no reply or follow up.... then but just [sigh] now...