Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

slowly it will definitely be ok. you have done the right thing. sometimes the words just come out and its a weird out of body experience. almost a calming of the mind.
agree with not feeling guilty. if you have your reasons, then they are your reasons and they have made you make this decision. I'd imagine his actions/behaviour are what have led you to this decision. So it was inevitable in a sense. or you wouldn't be on a EA thread, iyswim?

I did it 2 weeks ago and felt the same and day by day I am feeling a bit less guilty. Time to think, and read, helps x I ve got some of the books mentioned on here , they help me feel that I am right. We re all on this journey together x

Well done you.

Don;t feel guilty, you did not make him behave as he did. that was his choice.
we all have consequences from the way we choose to live and treat others...you have shown him the consequence for his.

Sometimes getting it done and coping works out better than the carefully planned exit.

You have done a brave and right thing.

Well done, slowly. It is hard, and you will feel guilt. But do understand that this guilt needs to be ignored. You have done the right thing!

I struggled with the guilt. One minute id be raging wondering how i had allowed myself and dc to live with that FW for so long. Then the next minute i was tearing myself up inside wondering if maybe it was me.

It does get easier over time. Im 3 months into being on my own and every now and then, i wonder if i really had done something wrong. Mostly though, i can see how bad he was. Some things are still unfolding. Things that i didnt quite recognise at the time.

Stay strong

Hugs to all.slowly well done. be kind to yourself.
He cN take care of himself. he may pretend get can't but he can.
Watch out for the tantrums though. they will be coming. that and the hoovering.

sus hope the heart rate has slowed a bit and the texts have stopped.

Hello all
I've been away for a while unfortunately messing my life up again. I used to think it was my ex who was fucked up, now I'm sure I am too.
I allow everything that happens to me to happen, am I some kind of masichist?

Story goes massive split with ex of 4 yrs last August, I think he was EA much of the time. Fair amount of relief on my part as he'd been particularly nasty that last time. Met someone OD fell for him he seemed nice and saw him for 3 months. It ended and I was confused by his behaviour and was upset. Hence allowed myself to be sucked back in by the ex. He'd been sending the odd email to me which it ignored till I felt hurt after splitting with online man. Suddenly ex felt familiar and predictable, a known quantity to me

Began meeting up with him, sex was always great that never changed. He was nice, even was a shoulder to cry on and he knew I was upset over online man. Then I started getting feelings back for ex. We said we would try again, he loved me ect ect. This went on for about a month, I felt quite happy then bang out of nowhere last week he dumped me in a text, using the same old reason that he didn't feel I trusted him and made him uncomfortable using his phone ect ect. I don't know where it came from, just the day before he had been discussing moving in ( I was wary though)he was also making plans for things we could do.

He was quite cold when he dumped me, I honestly felt such a sense of shock, like I'd been literally kicked. I think because previous times it had happened with an argument or in the heat of his temper and storming out but this time a kiss goodbye an arrangement to come down in a few days, then wham! The next day he ends it

Just what is the matter with me, apart from being pathetic and going back for more for the umpteenth time.i can't even talk to friends in RL this time because nobody knew we were trying again and it's all too ridiculously embarrassing

There is nothing wrong with you!
You had hope...as we have probably all been there. Hoping that this time will be different.

We have also all learned, that it never is.

Just use this as extra strength to never, ever go back there again.

i just received this from FW re: nursery

Why don't you just ask her when you go in tomorrow ? Is it really that hard ? Wouldn't it be simpler for everyone to just ask ? Communication is the key !

Doesn't it just make you want to grab a table and chuck it at his patronising head? I have to ask, it is his money and I have to ask?? Get a back bone you squibbling piece of snot.
Yes I asked, yes I will sort it, as I have sorted everything for you, you pathetic excuse for a man. and what will that do? it will make me more able, more capable and more in control of my life than you are. And then what will happen? You will freak out that I am controlling and lying when REALLY you should have just done it yourself and then you would not need to bully me into doing stuff for you.

Ooooh im sitting waiting to see the SW. I am sooo anxious. Not so much about seeing the SW. Just being here! Anxiety is such a bitch. This isnt distracting me as i well as expected.

I was gaining control over this stuff until my ex argghhhh

What a dick tweedle. You continue doing what you feel is best. Ignore his smarmy remarks. Hes not worth it.
I see you know how this is going to play out. They are so predictable arent they

tweedle text him their number and say- good idea, here is their number. you are so right, it is probably best if you call them, as you say communication is the key.

otherwise he is a) controlling you and b) forcing you to relay the information to him.

i know it seems petty. my mum totally cannot understand why I put my foot down with FW- she sees it as me being awkward and confrontational but she has no idea what it is like someone always trying to make their business your job ...which then makes anything that goes wrong your fault.

if that fails then it is time to give him the NMFP form to fill in.

tweedle you forwarded his email, now it's over to him to deal.

If it's stopping you using the nursery yourself, then could you sort your arrangements with them yourself, separately from his issue?

wont hang on in there...

turns out they got the invoice wrong - I spoke to them. I get a long really well the finance officer. but I haven't told him this he can find it out himself and deal with them directly but at least I know how much he should be paying now. I am leaving it to him to sort it out. he has emailed me asking me to send him the number. I told him to google it.
I AM NOT HIS PA!!!
And I agree mink it is controlling behaviour based on him finding it easier to get me to stuff than do it himself.
I am going to have to be stubborn and un-movable. even if I seem awkward in know that, like a toddler, with him if I give an inch he will take a mile and three quarters. thanks ladies for letting me vent. I know it seems trivial but dealing with a FW post-break is still draining. even if I am stronger and have my own front door - it almost hurts more now because I see it for what it REALLY is.

Good for you tweedle. I have several mantras i use for FW including my finances are none of your business and your finances are of no interest to me.

And repeat.

But it is wearing.

It isn't trivial! Nor was me telling mine that if he didn't cancel the direct debit paying for his NI stamp out of our joint account in the next 24 hrs, then I would, to name but one instance. Inside my heart was pounding but I gave no sign, cos inside was also cold steely anger.

(He didn't cancel the DD. So I did. And told him immediately. He went off on one. The world did not end. And I got a teeny bit more of myself back.)

{we were still under same roof and divorce was under way at the time}

OK. How do you brace yourself for the fallout of not rolling over anymore. Not financially - he's offered nothing more than the bare legal minimum. I mean having to go right up against someone who - even when it's done and over - still dishes out abuse with impunity?

I thought I was doing really well. And in 18 days, I have. I have two interviews lined up, I have been able to have friends over, I have reconnected with all the people he didn't like, I have made £1000 freelancing, I haven't got drunk, I haven't wanted him back. Today, as he continues to just completely bloody bewilder me, I feel really shit.

Why don't they just stop it and move on when you make it clear you're not playing anymore? Why? Its not nice,

Tinsel - it is a very hard journey, isnt it? Im in my 3rd month and still having ups and downs.

It does get easier, but still have ups and downs.

I wish i knew the answer to why they dont just move on.

Just try to keep in mind how far you have come and use his idiotic ways to remind yourself just how pathetic he is.
It will be getting to him the fact that you are moving on. When it is clear, he isnt!

Tinsel - You speak my words.
I hit a wall yesterday too. After our argument about childcare costs I feel really drained. I then got to work late due to my son having a massive paddy and it turns out that I am regularly late and got a telling off. (no prior warning about lateness and I spent the last 3 months turning up at 8am and not charging them over time. and working late all through September) I feel battered. I can't even think about getting out of pj's and the kids seem happy numbing their brains with telly.

it is so hard to get them out of your brain. it seems a million times easier, now I am here, to leave the family home.

he still refuses to give us any money telling me I have to ASK! him (he wrote it like that)
should I just go to the CMA?
Not very helpful words from a friend at work who told me maybe we should meet once a week to discuss our kids/money. JOKE! couldn't even do that when we were on a relationship. I would be just handing him more opportunities to bully me.
the hardest part is not being able explain what I have been through the last 3 years. I feel on the verge of tears all the time and I feel very tired. it's like all the emotions I have suppressed for years are surfacing.
I called a councillor yesterday to make an appointment.
I need someone to confide in who won't judge me.

(sorry, this went from a supporting others post to all mememe)

tinsel if he is still dishing out abuse it May be time to involve the police.
They don't stop until there are consequences for them or until they find someone else to inflict themselves on. Even then they will still see themselves as the wronged party out for revenge. because they are pricks.

But what will change is you. you will stop caring, stop reacting, stop listening. and then eventually he May give up when he realises he is having a wee tantrum all by himself and no one us looking. Even if he doesn't you won't care.

But if he is dangerous or abusive. police.

I agree with mink. The police have taken an awful lot of strain from me.

I got a non molestation order. Although he has tried contacting, he is arrested or questioned for it. So i hear very little. His DM started hounding me with texts, so i sent the police to her too as i wasnt 100% sure it was her and not him.
She has now made a statement stating she wont contact me.
Any further, and she will be added to the non mol.

Because of this, i can plod along focusing on me and my dc. Not worrying about the next text, phonecall or email.

And how does this affect contact with the DC's wont?

Ive just been looking on the "do you have a best friend" thread. It has sent me tumbling.

My sister was my best friend. She pretty much brought me up and we spoke every single day on the phone without fail.
I didnt see her as often as id like. She lives in another town (not too far away), but we were both busy a lot and we were happy with phonecalls.

I sometimes have anxiety attacks when i go out. I used to suffer terribly from agoraphobia (old abusive twat), and so she would help me over the phone to calm down.
When id go to the shop, i would call her for my anxiety. My ex would accuse me of calling her in secret to talk about him. So i stopped, and started calling him. Only he didnt like talking on the phone!

Then it got to the point he could hear my conversations with sis in the house, and he would tell me she isnt interested in anyrhing i have to say. She just feels she has to talk to me as she knows i look to her as a mother. I was putting too much responsibility on her and why couldnt i see that she didnt want to speak to me.
Even though she would call me!
He then brought in her diabetes and told me i was causing her blood sugar levels to go up and down with the stress i was bringing to her.
So i told her i was going to stop calling. She couldnt understand(now i know why). I think this hurt and she told me to fuck off.
Which proved to him he was right. I believed he was too!
It has been over a year since i spoke to her and it still breaks my heart

Only one of my dc were his. SS wont allow any contact with him.
My dc have flourished. They no longer see me upset and stressed over it all and he can no longer stress or upset them!

It has honestly made this whole process so much easier.
It is still hard, i still have ups and downs and im still getting my head around it all, as my pp shows.
But it is so so much easier without him there, anywhere!

Sorry. You could use a contact centre or have a third party to pass dc over.

I used these with my old abusive fw and it worked too as he was bullying me at my door.

When the children got old enough, fw would park outside and id send the kids to the car. Drop off was the same.

He couldnt bully me,but kids still got to see their dad. He stopped contact in the end as he couldnt get to me