Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

wont, why don't you take a deep breath and call/go see your sister and say I am really sorry, I was in a very controlling relationship, this is what he said and I believed him, but I miss you, can we talk?

FW here did not like one of my best friends; he made it obvious when she came to the house, and he made comments about her, and it was difficult to ever get time to see her. When I left him, I literally just turned up at her door one day and said, I have left him, and I am sorry that I let him and his attitude stop me seeing you.

Clouddancer, i think im going to try. Ill have to get her number again.

Palpatations at the thought of it all. I am scared of the rejection. This is the longest we have ever gone without contact.

I am hoping she can understand. The last time i saw her was at my mams. She walked through the door and i broke down as he had been gaslighting me all that morning, trying to stop me going to my parents. That was about a year and a half ago.

My ex done that with my parents. Made them very uncomfortable in the house. Also with people i was trying to strike up friendships with. He encouraged me to find friends, then treat them like shit.

I hope my sis is as understanding as your friend. Im pleased you could go back to her

It was partly because I knew once I told her I had left, there would be no going back, iyswim. But generally, the FWs are very successful at isolating you, and undermining your confidence and self-esteem, and part of rebuilding your life is to rebuild your relationships. The FWs succeed for as long as you are afraid to step out of the shell they have left you in.

My general thought is that if I do not take the steps I want in life, if I am still scared, then I may as well have stayed with him.

I don't think she will reject you, but if she does, then you simply let her know that your door is open if she changes her mind. That is what she needs to know, and that is all you can do/say. She might be cautious, she might be upset, but I think she will probably just be glad of a chance to sort things out honestly and openly.

won't that is sad. is it worth trying to reach out to her now he has gone. explain you didn't choose him but rather he had convinced you should break contact for her sake and now in the light if day you see he had twisted your head to isolate you
and above all you miss her.
she probably misses you too.

Maybe a letter? That way you can get all your thoughts organised and she has time to think it over. then phone her a few days later.

Good luck

I 2nd the letter wont it may also give you the time to think about what you want to say without the pressure of the situation and can put the ball in her court. It will also give your sister time to process the information.

oh wont what a sad situation. I agree reaching out for her would be a good idea.

I just popped in to say hi and send much strength to y'all.

I am doing much better. I am feeling detached from the person I was when I was with FW, I just wonder what was going through my mind now when I think about that person skivvying around after FW and taking the verbal abuse that went with it. Feelings for him are fading very quickly. Can I really be through it? It seems that way.

I have successfully got a new job too, which means I'm not going to be made redundant for a few more months, and best of all, it means no longer being with my FW boss (yup he's one as well) and I won't have to be in the building that has a lot of reminders of him (he used to work here). Now if someone can just erase all memory of him ever ever ever, I'll be good to go!

That is brilliant news colinbutterfly good for you!
It is good to hear there is light at the other end!

The letter is a very good idea. I asked my dad today if he thinks she would reject me if i called and he said ill never know unless i call.
He has told her that it was all down to him... but it was still coming from me.

It is going to be hard whatever i decide. I didnt have the guts to get her number from my dad today.

I just wish i was never, ever put in this position!

wont the letter option sounds a good idea. I think calling her may make her defensive but she'll have time to ponder a letter.

I'm doing ok - I;ve learnt that the wobbly bit is at the start of the week after FW has been around all weekend. Allegedly he is going away this weekend, if not we're off to my folks as i definitely can't share a house with him another weekend.

would appreciate thoughts on this dilemma.
we have a mega mega luxury holiday booked in a few weeks. It's to celebrate the combination of a big birthday and 5 years cancer free for me. I had very aggressive cancer when dd was a baby so this is a big deal (of course) FW rang me in the week to ask for the dates so he can book off work (WTF) . Obviously I don't want him to come. It's 2 weeks though which is a long time for him to be away from dd, i wouldnt like it. And we have paid half and still have shedloads to pay. As I said, it is luxury, and now that I am on my own - it just seems a bit / very decadent (but then, 5 years ago, I definitely didn't think I would reach this big birthday.)

I need to tell him i dont want him to come. Now i think morally, I should just go with dd, after everything that he's put me through, but I really really just want a peaceful existence now that I have got out, and I definitely dont want some tit for tat him buggetring off with her for that long in return - so is it wise to just cancel it? I'll lose a load of money but I also won't spend another load of money. I could just book a cheapo holiday for a few nights instead - we've got time off school for it which school cant authorise but have wished me a happy holiday as I have explained why - and it seems a shame not to celebrate in some way. COuld just take her to some cheapo last minute resort for 5 nights or so and it would still be a break.

Its a tough one for you, sus!
If you arent really bothered about losing a lot of money iykwim. Then perhaps booking a cheaper last min resort would be a good option.

That way you can just tell FW you cancelled, and have booked for you and dd to go away for however many nights.
He will know for definite that there is no way of him going with you then, and 5 nights isnt too bad for him to be away from dd. Plus, it is still a well deserved, and enjoyable break for you and dd.
Definitely still go away. You deserve it and it is a celebration well worth celebrating

I havent been able to put pen to paper yet to write that letter. I want to do it, but feel i someway i have no intention. Part of me feels it is pointless. Rejection fears i suppose.

Im not going to pressure myself. Going to concentrate on building muself back up. If in a week or two weeks time i start writing the letter, then great. If not...then i dunno.

I have really found that i am forever up and down.
One day can be really positive, and the next my head is flooded with thingd coming back to me.
I am 3 months into singledom and i really thought it would have eased by now.

I find it really disturbing the fact that this man had control over my thoughts and was capable of making me believe things that werent true.
Things that i actually questioned, but believed him when he told me my judgement couldnt be trusted.
It is really hard coming to terms with all of this.

Im feeling quite positive today. Thankfully.
But when will it stop? Is this normal?

It feels as though my mind is still processing stuff. Which i feel is normal. But its not very nice the things that keep popping into my head, things dawning on me on yet another time he warped my mind!

wont do have a go at starting that letter. Just get a piece of paper and a pen, sit down and start writing. You can do what you like with the piece of paper when you've written something - and you will find that it will do wonders for unwarping your mind. Like you say, your mind is still processing stuff, and this should help that process. At worst, you'll have a piece of paper with writing on to screw into a ball/set fire to, at best, you'l have a draft of a letter to your sister.

As I am a spreadsheet addict user, I re-processed my life by doing a colour-coded timeline of my life up to divorce (I needed to do the long-term maritial accounts anyway, for settlement negotiations).

*I see my unconscious has confused marital with martial. No comment.

is it normal? who knows wont
I think it just a process of recovery.
I am in the same place. Last night spending time on my own my head started to wonder what was real and my experience and what were the things he said were silly.
I am only now starting to realise how much I normalised his behaviour and how towards the end I had just sort of given up.
My body is physically tired.
Today he tried to wiggle out of having the DC's tonight and all weekend (the man who said every other weekend was NOT enough). I stood up to him, again. 3 days in a row I have done that. It makes me shake.
He also stated that we hadn't 'agreed' on anything, I said I will remember that when he wants to see the kids on Tuesday evening.
I told him it was all weekend or nothing at all. Apparently it's his friends birthday and him 'telling' me he was going there WAS him asking me. Nope, it was you assuming I was doing nothing and you telling me you are going. THAT IS NOT ASKING WITH PLENTY OF NOTICE.
"Thanks for your help!" he says. He then tells me I need to ask if I need money and that he bought me some nappies for DD if I wanted them. F*U!!! You patronising idiot.
I have made an appointment with a counsellor to try and have an outlet for all the things buzzing around my head. I do talk to friends but they are very blasé about my experience and have little concept of how cruel he has been towards me.

I guess you are right with the letter. It can do no harm writing it. It would help processing stuff too, i suppose.
Plus it is then there, if i do decide to send it.
Thank you. I just need to find a pen. Plenty of colouring pencils...but no pens. Hmm kids.

Tweedle. Good on you for standing up to him. I know the shaky feeling very well. It will get easier and you will find yourself going from strength to strength.
I also get the thing with friends, too. It is very hard to explain how damaging somebody has been to you, especially when the majority was all mentally. Very, very hard to get out in words.

I know whenever i try (i cant), to speak about it in person...words just fail me. It makes me feel as if i am going insane all over again.
Which is why i have found it easier to just not talk about it.
I think a counsellor is a good idea. Even if he/she is just somebody you can rant too. I have found mine helps just to get things off my chest in RL, rather than over MN. Although MN wins hands down for me. I still cant fully get out everything to my therapist, worrying that he then will think i am insane.

I thought i was having a positive day. Ive turned into an anxious mess. My heart rate is through the roof and im all shaky. Nothing has happened!

i think im going to have to go on ADs for my anxiety, its getting the better of me again. Whhyy...i was doing so well with it

wont: Actually, although I didn't spell it out, I really meant 'just write anything that comes into your head. Get it out there on paper and you will find it does not fill your head so much"

But by the sound of it you should wait till you feel a bit better. I found I could not predict how I would feel from one day to another - some days ok, others feeling so alone, with a truth that no-one in RL could understand. A short course of ADs might help a lot, there is no shame in this, and the right ones can be very effective, and help you do the things you need to do to move forward.

sus grr about the holiday dilemma. Don't worry if you have to write off some money: do what you want to do, you have a lot to celebrate one way and another :)

I dont think i am ready tbh. Feeling quite shit today.
The whole gaslighting situations seem to be replaying in my head. I think it has affected me more than i thought

Just got into a huge conversation with fw about whether this was permanent. After the space I ve had to think I could see that all his arguments were about him, how he felt, he was listening to me at all, basically his argument was that he has started cbt and so if he sorted himself out everything would be dandy. I tried to explain that no it wouldn't, as this has happened, its affected me and actually quite badly damaged me mentally thank you and No I can't go back ad be all fine and dandy. Absolutely no hearing of me.

Then he's tired and distraught so instead of going back to his folks 200 miles he asks to stay here tonight- replay of last two weekends when hes ended up staying all weekend and its been ashore head fuck for me. I told him to go to a hotel. But now he's driving all that way, tired , upset , in bad weather.

I feel like the most evil person in the world. What if something happens as a result of me and dd loses her daddy.

sus it is his choice to drive all that way. He could have stayed in a hotel. He was obviously angling for a repeat of the other weekend, and you acted perfectly reasonably. He is not your boss and neither are you his minder.

Apologies that my posts seem to be coming out a bit brusque.

sus well done for enforcing a boundary there. He was trying to guilt you into giving way and when you wouldn't he is playing the Woe is Me card to make you feel bad. Fuckwit bingo at it's simplest.
You are really getting the hang of this Assertiveness thing! Well done. Now stop feeling responsible for his choices and plan a nice weekend.

my dd is ill so we're having a very quiet weekend in, which is just what i need , watching films and the like.

one thing that did come out of yesterday's "discussion" was that i said i would cancel our holiday and he said the two of us had to go as it is for my 40th and i have to celebrate it. I've emailed the holiday place to try and move from luxury accomdation to basic but i don't think they'll agree - but at least it looks like we'll be going - hurrah!

having a doubting day today after seeing his pain and promises to change with cbt - but then it pisses me off as he is having all this help and my dad is paying for it - yet i get to sit here and stew (and talk on mn!!). Again, no thought of me - just of himself. When I actually think about the reality of going back to living with him - weekend mornings s spent tiptoeing around so i get a bit of peaceful time with dd - compared to this morning which has just been so chilled - i feel strong again.

hope everyone else is doing ok. I promise to start feeding back when I'm through the roughest bit and not talk about me me me all the time! (is this the roughest bit?!)

i got a book on assertiveness which I think was mentioned up thread a bit or maybe on another thread - it has really helped - how to say what YOU want - it's so simple and yet i hadn't really been doing it.

sus I take it 'the two of us' = you and DD?

yes sorry me and dd!