Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Sorry I am rubbish typing on
Phone!

Hi Sus you sound quite sane and sorted in your post.
You realise your FW is in the Nice part of the cycle now don't you? He is "hoovering" you back in again hoping you will believe he can change back to the lovely man you first met. This will last just long enough to get you to abandon your plans to live separately and make up. Then he will revert back to Mr Nasty and start his repertoire of tricks again. Sadly this is all he is capable of without a huge sustained effort of self awareness. Which isn't going to happen.

What to say to DD? Lots of reassurance that mummy and daddy both love her and an explanation that you will be happier when you are not together? You can't speak for him or make promises for him because as we know it probably won't last!

wontsign I struggle with the "too sensitive" thing. To live with my FW I had to don mental armour which made me brittle and defensive but able to watch scary films and jump off high cliffs into the sea! Now I am back to my authentic self myself again I realise I am a very sensitive soul and cry easily and find life quite hard. My poor DC are quite confused I think!

sus do not let threat of ss involvement stop you calling the police if you need them. ss being involved is not necessarily a bad thing from your pov but they will want to know you are taking steps to protect DD.

Sus

I think you're reading the letter wrong.

I would be grateful that SS will step up their involvement if your FW kicks off resulting in you calling the police.

If you really mean it about NOT calling the police again, then get FW out of yours and DD's life.

Don't get hoovered in by FW. KA is right, he's in the 'nice' phase.

Please dont worry about social services. It is their duty to check on things when calls are made to police. If anything - they will give you the support and strength that you need.

Most importantly, dont let your worry stop you from calling the police when needed.

He is in the nice phase. He will change again. Do you think he will be concerned about SS then?

Use this letter to give you the strength you need to leave him now.

Sus after a hands to throat incident I also had to call the police. They were very sensitive and have come to my new home and put a flag on the property. In contacting the police I had calls form the SS and from my HV.
At the time we had moved back in with my parents too whilst waiting to move into our new home.
They are there to keep you and your kids safe from a man who is volatile. None of that stuff is your fault. You are just very rightly, protecting yourself from his behaviour. The behaviour and the incident which made you call the police were down to his behaviour. SS will see this through your actions. Your actions are a reaction to his actions...not the other way around.

Yesterday I took dd to a party and took the opportunity to send fw a text telling him I was serious about splitting, he had settled right back in with no discussion. Boy has mr nice guy disappeared. Streams of horrible and distraught texts. He went to a hotel. Just seen him as he takes dd to school while I go to work and he was awful. Said he's going to hand in his notice today and move 100s of miles away. Told me never to text him again. And I ve left dd with him in that mood.
Feeling sick and miserable :-(

Sus

Don't despair. It's all part if the script! Someone on here has made a list of actions and words FWs try out in a bid it get control again and giving up the job is one of them. When you're not in the scary thick of it, it's called FW bingo.

Keep the texts as evidence. Have a word with the DV unit on 101. I'm not sure how it works but there might be enough for a non mol order?

And as for him saying - don't text me- I am getting all sorts of text about every ten minutes, nice, Nasty, upset .

Sounds like you've at least got a line in the FW bingo then!

sus just ride it out. they are like giant toddlers chucking tantrums. Don't reply to any of his texts for now but do keep them as evidence.
I had the same from my FW sending me very abusive textxs threatening me with the police if I texted him again (I was trying to arrange contact).
All nonsense.
He is also not going to leave his job but if he did, if he is that petty and spiteful, then good riddance.

This is all about not allowing you to have a voice. Lundy was spot on about that- the abuser will often accuse teh survivorof rasiing their voice (for speaking at all) when they, the abuser are screaming their heads off- that is because the survivor is not supposed to speak AT ALL. they are supposed to do what they are told.

You have spoken. You have told him you are leaving. This is not on his script. His script says if he ignores you he gets to carry on an usual.

You are doing the right thing sus. And the Kitchen utensil Army are right here behind you

sorry just ride it out, sounds a bit dismissive. i know it is not that simple and this is deeply unpleasent. I remember the fast beating heart every time my phone beeped.
it is only now a year out that I find most of what he says amusing beucase I know in his case it is all talk and nonsense at that.

we are here for you. it does get better. you just need toget through this bit. and to a certain extent so does he. he needs to see that his old tricks won't work and that you are going.

Thank you. Having heart palpitations. 23 texts since 6am.

sus keep telling yourself that they are just words. picture him with a dummy in his mouth, a bib on, a nappy round his waist stamping his baby feet. because that is ALL he is doing. until he acts on anything they are JUST words. good luck xx

Return of fwittery in my life in that I have asked for HIS share of nursery fees and now he is quibbling them. oh sorry., no he is not, he JUST asked a question about whether I was telling the truth. of course. I mean I am asking him for £200 of it. not the full £609 I should be asking for nor the £75 a week I am entitled to in child maintenance.

does anyone know if receiving child maintenance affects benefits? also will I have to pay lots of legal fees to make it happen?
I am trying really hard to not get angry but maybe I should? maybe it would be good for me?

No i dont think itndoes effect benefits anymore.
If you call the csa. tell them his job and hours. They will work out how much he should be paying and you can ask them to take it for you if he isnt willing to play nicely.

sus you are doing well. Just continue to ignore. Phone 101 and tell them hebis harassing you. You can show them all of the texts and if its enough, they may ask if you want to file charges.
Sorry if that has already been mentioned.
But yes. He is having a tantrum.

now he is picking holes by email in the nursery invoicing system. Telling me he has overpaid all this time. But telling them, oh no, telling me.
I am going to forward his email to me about their system to the finance woman (probably doesn't help that she is a woman) so she can clear it up with him.
Like I give a shit. just pay it or don't pay it, I reply. you massive arse faced tool bag!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaarrrrrggghhhh! All ineed is for him to clear this then I can start paying. I am not asking HIM to pay for ANYTHING!!!! (this close to starting the process) and kids won't go to bed because I am all riled up and shouted at them because he is filling my head like he does with his absolute nobheadness.

Sorry, rant over

I truly would not be angry re the nursery stuff tweedle - he handed the control to you (the dickhead) and you are doing what any reasonabe person would do - forwarding his communication to the appropriate person. who will think 'Who is this dickhead?'

I do understand how it has riled you up; however, I'm afraid it gave me a chuckle of recognition, and a further chuckle that you dealt with it in the way you did...

Christ they truly are all the same- always right and everyone else is always wrong and can't do anything properly. Love the forwarding email idea- got that one stored ;;-)

Been getting friendly texts again this evening

And rung a good friend and my sister and told them
Everything :-)

well done!!! massive well done sus. That is a big step when you begin to peel away the layers of the relationship that was and begin to expose it. When people start looking at you with that face when you tell them stuff which you have minimised but then realise it is bad. Bad as a stand alone moment, bad the way the FW reacts to it and bad the way their reaction made you feel.
Doing this, for me, made it harder to go back. Made it real. Have some

Going to try and tell work tomorrow, as I really could do with a bit if working at home time at least once a week, just not to have to smile while having heart palpitations . Tondo that ill have to buy a computer as we only have his one and that'll be taken as soon as he realises I actually need it.

No-one, neither close friends nor family, understood our joint financial backstory, and my MH had suffered to the point of requiring secondary services. Also I suffered the death of a thousand cuts, no PA, and had freedom to do what I wanted, go where I wanted and see who I wanted.

So all my stuff sounded trivial, that kind of stuff you have to maximise as it were, by sweeping it together in a pile! And still people don't get it - they think with my mh history it must be 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other, especially as ranting out a list of 'trivia' certainly adds to the impression that you may have lost it

Only on the EA thread, and on a few other threads from those who had suffered FWittery, did I find people who truly understood.

(Phew, where did all that come from? I now know True Freedom, and it's 2 years this month that my absolute came through)

Anyway, what I was going to say before I wandered off the point - sus great you told your friend and sis :) and (although you don't say it explicitly) they gave you validation.

No-one, neither close friends nor family, understood our joint financial backstory, and my MH had suffered to the point of requiring secondary services. Also I suffered the death of a thousand cuts, no PA, and had freedom to do what I wanted, go where I wanted and see who I wanted.

So all my stuff sounded trivial, that kind of stuff you have to maximise as it were, by sweeping it together in a pile! And still people don't get it - they think with my mh history it must be 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other, especially as ranting out a list of 'trivia' certainly adds to the impression that you may have lost it

Only on the EA thread, and on a few other threads from those who had suffered FWittery, did I find people who truly understood.

(Phew, where did all that come from? I now know True Freedom, and it's 2 years this month that my absolute came through)

Anyway, what I was going to say before I wandered off the point - sus great you told your friend and sis :) and (although you don't say it explicitly) they gave you validation.

oh bollocks clicked post and then pressed ctl enter

Is anyone around? I did it. I told him im leaving. He is so hurt and I feel so guilty about it now. Hes gone out. I know I have to leave him though was hoping I would have more time to organise a new place for me and DCs but it all came out tonight.

Do not feel guilty about hurting him. Be sad that you had to do something that caused him emotional pain, that is what we have to do sometimes.

There are a few people around who have found themselves having to implement their plans earlier than they would have liked.

Sit down and have a and if possible. Your nerves will be jangling, I expect. It will be OK.