Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH caught masterbating

310 replies

Alexa007 · 29/12/2013 20:22

I know most ppl on this board are going to say this is no big deal but I walked in on my DH wanking in the shower today. Door was open I walked in to put some stuff away.

Naive maybe but we have talked about this before and he's always maintained he never does it and doesn't need to as we have sex regularly. We have been married 3 years, together 7 and have a dc aged nearly 1.

So now firstly I feel like he has been lying to me all this time. Fine if when we'd talked about it he said he'd always done it etc. but now I keep thinking back to times when he's been off taking super long in the shower....

Also, we have just come back from holiday together, if he was feeling horny why didn't he just get me, our lo was sleeping at the time.

I feel hurt.

OP posts:
rpitchfo · 31/12/2013 11:22

Did she ask for advice?

Tinkertaylor1 · 31/12/2013 11:23

neil that could be said of your wife too and more or less ever thread on here.

everlong speculative and nasty and kind of getting personal ......

feta I agree

FetaCheeny · 31/12/2013 11:23

Advice/reassurance whatever. She ended her post with 'I feel hurt' that's enough for me.

Tinkertaylor1 · 31/12/2013 11:28

Actually taking amusement now of all the vested interest in trying to prove op is a freak of nature!

That's it folks grind your repeated theories and speculative psychology prognosis home

Careful guys the band wagon is leaving to pitch up on another thread over there -----> ----->

neiljames77 · 31/12/2013 11:34

Not real names maybe. He could see this and think,"hmmm....I've just had my wife making an issue about me having a wank in the shower and we've been together for 7 years, married for 3 AND we have a child who's nearly one." The poor bloke would probably want to set up a support group for the man in the story until he realised it was him.

mammadiggingdeep · 31/12/2013 11:36

Neil that can be said of everyone on here- we share details when asking for help.

Haven't read whole thread (don't shoot me) but think this thread is going "that way"....

Tinkertaylor1 · 31/12/2013 11:39

neil your wife could feel the same, in your posts you haven't exactly painted her in a good light either .

Lweji · 31/12/2013 11:43

Right, going back to your OP.

You were upset that he lied about masturbating. You were upset thinking of the possibility that he masturbated every time he took a bit longer in the shower.

You were upset that he masturbated instead of having sex with you.

I don't think the responses were that far off.
It's natural to think that he would be lying about not masturbating and it is a white lie. You could (presumably did) ask him about it, but no need to be hurt, really.
Why be upset that he may have done it before when having long showers? (surely they don't need to be that long for him, though)
And deciding to have one in the shower probably wasn't premeditated. He may have suddenly felt horny and go for a very quick relese. It has no bearing on you. You were busy, he was horny. So?

People felt it was much ado about nothing and that is why you got this thread. Particularly because in relationships posters are used to serious problems and need welcome some light relief.

Tinkertaylor1 · 31/12/2013 11:46

lweji what a good post post - no nastiness needed.

Arf at the light relief Grin

larrygrylls · 31/12/2013 11:51

"Then people make utter fools of themselves by claiming extra-sensory powers and to top it all, we have a bit of mansplaining along the lines of 'trust me, I'm a 40 year old bloke' as though the oracle has landed on the thread to tell us silly women what it's like for all men and how men are so different. "

Manspaining...about men and their sexuality?! Surely women know far more about men's masturbatory habits than another man. This really takes the biscuit.

All men masturbate, are impotent, or have serious psychological issues. There are some things that are really best left unsaid and, if you ask someone whether they wank or how much, I think it is totally reasonable to lie. You do not have to reveal every single iota of personal information to your partner, merely because you are married. You are still an autonomous individual entitled to some private space.

knockedgymnast · 31/12/2013 12:00

Did you apologise for walking in on him & let him carry on choking the chicken or did you help him finish?

C'Mon, op, have you never heard:

shit
shower
shandy
shave

Bless you, but don't turn it into something bigger than it needs to be (pun intended)

PhdCopy · 31/12/2013 12:05

Op, quick :) question..
Do you ever masturbate ? I don't understand why you are feeling almost betrayed?
I do it sometimes but that doesn't mean I don't love my dh or I find him any less attractive.
Pls dont feel like that...

everlong · 31/12/2013 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaffacakesallround · 31/12/2013 12:14

OP

I think you're being a bit silly, really.

Ok he lied to you- maybe because even without you having discussed this topic in your marriage ( embarrassed, shy, perhaps?) he knew you'd not approve. You don't have to tell someone outright they 'can't do something' for them to pick up the vibes that you aren't comfortable with whatever it may be.

As for feeling left out- well, that's just daft.
Masturbating and having sex are different. It's not a case of one excluding the other. I think enough posters have tried to explain this already.

You need to get over yourself on this one.

Maybe try talking to him and being more open about the whole issue of sexuality and where masturbating comes in - for each of you.

Ra88 · 31/12/2013 12:14

Does he need to ask for permission to pick his nose too ? Confused

Leavenheath · 31/12/2013 12:16

All men masturbate, are impotent, or have serious psychological issues.

The idea that you especially know all men and have intimate knowledge of their private habits, is laughable Larry. Most men I know would be appalled to have someone who writes posts like this, self-appointing himself as a spokesperson for them.

Glad you came back OP and sorry you've been upset by this thread.

everlong · 31/12/2013 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaffacakesallround · 31/12/2013 12:19

Oh thanks everlong :)

neiljames77 · 31/12/2013 12:23

I understand what you mean mammadiggingdeep, regarding details in asking for help. Some posters have been treated disgracefully by their OH and need (and get) good advice and support on here and it's necessary to give all the details.
I just don't think this bloke has done anything wrong unless Alexa is thinking "if he lies about this, what else is he lying about?"

mammadiggingdeep · 31/12/2013 12:25

It's not for us to judge if some one should be posting Neiljames....

mammadiggingdeep · 31/12/2013 12:27

Good post Jaffa...

neiljames77 · 31/12/2013 12:49

OK. Alexa, if I've appeared insensitive or dismissive of your problem, then I've clearly misunderstood how bad you're feeling about this and I apologise.
You should talk to him about it but I can assure you that it's not a reflection on how he feels about you.

Jaffacakesallround · 31/12/2013 12:56

Sexuality and pleasure is on a broad spectrum, OP.
It's not confined to man-woman + sex=orgasm. There are many ways of being sexual- alone, same sex, bi, hetero, whatever.

Sometimes you might fancy a quick expresso - alone.
Sometimes you might want a long drawn out cappucino with a friend.

Neither is right, wrong, or better or worse.

Preferring one at any one time doesn't mean you care for your partner any less.

We have to assume by your upset that you don't masturbate- or if you ever did, then you don't now or see it has its place even within a loving relationship.

This is what you need to re-assess.

Lweji · 31/12/2013 13:04

See, Jaffa, but the OP has admitted here and to her OH that she masturbates.
That is why it was odd that she was "hurt" that he did it by himself instead of having sex with her, and that she is "hurt" at the thought that he might have done it all those times in the shower.

The lying was just part of the post and of the hurt. Not the main issue.

OP, you knew most ppl were going to say no big deal. That was exactly what you got. Sorry.

Jaffacakesallround · 31/12/2013 13:13

I admit that I haven't read all the posts- it IS New Year's Eve after all- busy lives!

Maybe it's the fact she caught him rather than the masturbating per se?

OP- would it not be quite so bad for you if you had only known he does this, but you hadn't caught him at it?

Is that what makes it real?

Out of sight, out of mind?

If you are nodding 'yes' than that still makes me think you are not entirely comfortable with him masturbating.

But then you have to somehow address the double standards of it being ok for you to do it, but not him.

Maybe you need to think about the boundaries around this issue which you have created in your own mind? ie- 'It's acceptable when I am not in the house, or it's acceptable if I don't feel like sex,' or whatever.

Because something's going on in your head around this and you need to analyse it a bit more.