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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH caught masterbating

310 replies

Alexa007 · 29/12/2013 20:22

I know most ppl on this board are going to say this is no big deal but I walked in on my DH wanking in the shower today. Door was open I walked in to put some stuff away.

Naive maybe but we have talked about this before and he's always maintained he never does it and doesn't need to as we have sex regularly. We have been married 3 years, together 7 and have a dc aged nearly 1.

So now firstly I feel like he has been lying to me all this time. Fine if when we'd talked about it he said he'd always done it etc. but now I keep thinking back to times when he's been off taking super long in the shower....

Also, we have just come back from holiday together, if he was feeling horny why didn't he just get me, our lo was sleeping at the time.

I feel hurt.

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 30/12/2013 19:15

This isn't AIBU, its Relationships. The OP has asked for advice, not for a judgement on her reaction to what happened.

everlong · 30/12/2013 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NiceTabard · 30/12/2013 19:29

Confused at the assertion that all men wank. Clearly this is unlikely to be true. What with there being a vast diversity of people out there and all sorts of different sexualities, sex drives, medical conditions, and whatnot.

Ditto the assertion that all men and all women wank.

Very strange.

Anyway.

OP I can understand that you are upset that he lied to you. I don't understand why he did that, especially given that you have been open about your own habits. What context did conversations happen, why do you think he would have lied? I think you should ask him. It seems like a strange thing to lie about, given the circs.

Climbingthewalls12 · 30/12/2013 19:33

In all fairness the OP reads like he was having an affair

"...he has been lying to me all this time..."
"..I keep thinking about all the times..."
"...if he was feeling horny why didn't he just get me..."
"...I feel hurt..."

You keep expecting OW to appear in the shower with him Hmm

scottishmummy · 30/12/2013 19:52

Well,now op is completely clear,her partner masturbates.

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 20:17

Really scottish? It's dafter to think that some people possibly don't wank than to claim intimate knowledge of the entire world male population's masturbatory habits?

Sure about that are you?

I said nothing about my own habits or my partner's, although they were implicit I'd have thought, in my longer post.

The OP asked for advice. She got it from some of us- and piss-taking and jeering from others, who are increasingly looking like buffoons as the thread goes on.

scottishmummy · 30/12/2013 20:19

Really?what?the one certainty is she know knows her husbands masturbates

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 20:20

Yes she does. That wasn't her issue.

Angus99 · 30/12/2013 20:20

The word "freak" was used by one poster to refer to a man who does not wank. While freak is probably not a helpful word - has judgemental connotations - it is not meaningless. A man of a sexually active age who has no medical issues and who does not masturbate is a member of a vanishingly small group. You may as we'll ask: do you ever blow or pick your nose? Trust me I am a bloke in my 40s.
So what to make of OP and her DH? Frankly I find it extraordinary that a woman in this day and age would ever believe the man in her life did not masturbate. To genuinely believe that I am afraid is a sign of great ignorance of men. If a man demonstrated comparable ignorance about some basic fact about say menstruation this thread would be awash with stunned posters and not a few outraged ones.
Of course this also means OP's DH made a statement - I don't masturbate - which is and always was a blatant untruth. Trust me, if a man tells you he does not wank he is either lying or it is an issue that merits much further questioning, if only out of curiosity!
It makes me wonder how the DH could ever have thought this was a credible thing to say, unless he too knows nothing about typical male sexuality and/or believes the OP is herself so lacking in knowledge that she might really believe him.
Whatever the truth I am left inescapably feeling that OP and DH really do not have a very good knowledge of typical sexuality. This is not a judgement, but I do feel it is an inescapable fact.
My advice? Have some fun talking about it and finding out.
As for whether OP should worry about him wanking when he could have had sex, I would say it is an understandable but wrong assumption that wanking is simply a substitute for sex. It can be in part, but it is actually a distinct activity in its own right. I actually think it might be impossible for me to have sex so often that I would never masturbate. (Though it is an experiment I might be prepared to try.)
A man can feel aroused and it can be just a distraction that needs to be dispelled. It may even be an activity carried out in anticipation of sex later in the day, or in nostalgia for the night before.
None of this is a serious problem OP. Talk to DH about masturbation. Have a laugh about it, I promise you he is not doing it because he does not want sex or because he prefers it to you. I cannot understand why he lied, but I can only imagine it is a misplaced desire not to hurt you or because of his own embarrassment. Both of which are actually a bit daft.

neiljames77 · 30/12/2013 20:25

Leavenheath, the only reason people (including me) were treating this in a jovial manner is probably because it must have been clear to the op within the first couple of pages that she has nothing to worry about.
She thought he was being deceptive and deceitful, he was just embarrassed.

scottishmummy · 30/12/2013 20:32

Actually,for op was big issue flinging out her dp masturbates
"he has been lying to me all this time"
"I feel hurt"
She caught him,caught tends to be a punitive word finding out a wrongdoing

LynetteScavo · 30/12/2013 20:33

OP - how do you know he was lying?......Maybe this is the first time since the day he met you he has masturbated.

Or maybe not.

If he'd told you he never picked his nose, and you caught him doing so it would be very similar.

If he was brought up to think it was wrong, I can see why he lied.

cerealqueen · 30/12/2013 20:34

But her reaction to what happened was quite ridiculous, what else could people have said?

Another judgement. Not everybody is the same, we are all different and and thankfully mumsnet is full of helpful posters who rather than think somebody ridiculous, help the Op put things in context and help her understand what her husband was doing and maybe why as that is what she needs to know (this comes from somebody openly as green as the gills about men, sex etc well into my late 20s!)

rpitchfo · 30/12/2013 20:45

cerealqueen

although i agree with you - this is an open forum regardless of what section she posted the topic in. Everyone is free to comment on the topic. Lots of people gave sensible advice, lots of people didn't.

leavenheath

I don't agree this wasn't the issue - it's certainly part of the issue but the OP shows clearly(ish) that the act of masturbation is intrinsically linked to her hurt.

" i know some of you will think this is no big deal"
"why didn't he just come and find me"
"taking super long showers"

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 21:09

Read the OP's posts. She says she masturbates herself but doesn't lie about it. Her concern was that he lied and that he'd preferred it on this occasion, to sex with her.

As you have seen, she's quite right that some mumsnetters don't think lying is a big deal, indeed there have been posts upholding people's 'right to lie' as though the Geneva convention itself applied to it. As usual on a thread chronicling men's lies about sexual behaviour, there have been numerous posts telling the OP that her own behaviour and attitude actually forced him to lie. It doesn't matter whether it's something as inoccuous as wanking in the shower, or using porn, or going to sex clubs- there's always a crowd of 'cool girls' braying to the OP that she's only got herself to blame for the lies because she's so disapproving about 'men being men'.

Then people make utter fools of themselves by claiming extra-sensory powers and to top it all, we have a bit of mansplaining along the lines of 'trust me, I'm a 40 year old bloke' as though the oracle has landed on the thread to tell us silly women what it's like for all men and how men are so different.

It's bollocks and it's nasty.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 30/12/2013 21:21

It's not being a 'cool girl' to accept that men are allowed to have wanks and that they might hide this fact because of perceived attitudes towards it.

Her concerns IMO have been addressed.

Grin at the 'oracle has landed' though Grin

Sesquipedality · 30/12/2013 21:22

Blimey you seem very angry today Leavenheath. Too many turkey sandwiches?

Sallystyle · 30/12/2013 21:26

I don't wank.

I am not a liar.

And I think I am good in bed.

My husband rarely wanks and he is good in bed. He has a low sex drive but when we do it it's great.

Not ALL men do it and no one can say with 100% certainty that they all don't. I know someone who doesn't and trust me, he has no reason to lie to me about it.

Angus99 · 30/12/2013 21:26

Leavenheath. The bollocks and the nastiness are all yours. I merely attempted to give a mans perspective on this. I expect most women to know without question everything I said. There does seem to be a minority of posters who don't. I am merely trying to reassure OP that DH is typical not unusual. The unusual thing is that she is surprised and that he thought he could lie about it and she would believe him, which it seems he could. If you don't think that is odd from all angles then I am afraid it is you who is talking bollocks. As for the nastiness... I think you need to take a long look at yourself. This is a minor and embarrassing deception. Somehow you are comparing it to visiting sex clubs. Really? Are you deranged? Victorian?

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 21:32

That's not what the 'cool girl' comment referred to Baubles. It's the specific practice of posters arguing that men can't be blamed for lying to women who are so uptight and only have themselves to blame for being deceived. It happens a lot on this site.

And yeah, swearing at an OP who asked for help and then taking the piss out of her does make me angry. I hope I never stop being angry about that sort of behaviour.

Leavenheath · 30/12/2013 21:38

Just give your own perspective on this Angus. You can no more give a 'man's perspective' than I can provide a woman's. We are all individuals and can only speak of what we know, not what our entire sex or species feels, says or does.

As for 'taking a long look at myself' I don't need to thanks and I have no mental health issues, am not deranged and as it's 2013 I am certainly not 'Victorian' Grin

scottishmummy · 30/12/2013 21:41

She didn't ask actually fir help.she didn't need help.it wasn't critical situation
It was clearly a lol,shock,as she said upset.but now she def knows he masturbates
There are no cool girls mentality. It's mumsnet home of LTB,photocopy mortgage deeds,change locks if he looks at you funny. mn is not known for it's cowed deference to men

FetaCheeny · 30/12/2013 21:46

I must be the only one that thinks the OP's concern was quite normal. Is it really THAT odd for a woman to be offended that her DP wanks whilst she's at home and up for it, and lies about it? A bit ignorant and naive maybe but not deserving of this much vitriol and sarcasm.
I should shut up anyway, a man has come and put us all in our place.

scottishmummy · 30/12/2013 21:49

Look FEta you might feel put in your place cause man posted,I'm not
whereas I just assume most of you are men or at least ladies with moustaches

Angus99 · 30/12/2013 21:52

There are men who never masturbate, I am sure, but I have never met one who told me so. A man who is not a wanker is a rarity. So it is best to assume they all do. I agree the lie is the critical point here. But I am genuinely baffled because I think it is such an odd and unimportant thing to lie about. I cannot know what it is, but clearly thee is another issue here which in broad terms comes down to sexual frankness. That is an issue of communication and embarrassment in all likelihood and magnifying it as if it is akin to profound sexual deceit involving a third party, whether porn or sex clubs is destructive.