Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

You made me laugh cotton. Being a glamour puss can be a pain. My advice is to get a cut off point for today from him; get changed and get your slap off; open that wine and snuggle down in front of the box. He can say a quick bye when he leaves, just as any other trades person would.

Why not just tell him that you're off out tonight and that he has to leave by ... pm!

He's gone, he'll be back at 10am tomorrow. Jeans and socks for me tomorrow I think!

Have a lovely quiet evening cotton. As my DD would say "chillax"!

In all seriousness, it was very bizarre. He snapped at me a few times but I was so calm. 5 hours of crying!

He said he put his heart and soul into this house and worked so hard to do it up and he didn't want to give up and leave it undone. I said he hasn't once mentioned that he did that to our marriage. He said I am making a dig at him but I said I have been very restrained for 9 months under the circumstances and I wish I had slapped him hard that Sunday I confronted him but I'm a better person than that.

He said he wanted to say so much to me but he's worried that I'll use it against him and he'll get another solicitor letter containing what he's said. I'm not really interested in what he has to say though and told him so.

My God, he looked a complete mess! Is that what affairs do??

Deep breath, how are you. It's tense having them in your space isn't it?

Sorry been busy missed today's ridiculous behaviour from twat face .

Crying ? CRYING??? Really.

So glad he's gone - hope you're in your slippers .

Ok - tomorrow - I'd let him in, make him a cup of tea and when handing it to him say...

"You are here to do x,y & z today. I don't want the same performance as yesterday so get on with it. If I can remain calm and civilised then so can you . I don't want to know anything about you and your life. And you need to leave by ....(insert own suitable time) as I have plans".

Anything you NEED to discuss can be done via our solicitors .

I don't think that's too harsh . Just detached and calm.

Jesus I can't believe he is crying .. WTAF ?

Oh and if it's any consolation, my dds father smells too .. I always try not to breathe in around him. It's kind of an ammonia smell... Due to all the sporting training him and bed wife do together. I remember wTching him finish a race once (when still living in same house) and then having to wait for her to finish and stand chatting with her, her mum, aunt .. Nice. I digress ..

How is your DS? Hope he's not going out tomorrow?

Cotton, just catching up.

A very interesting day, pretty draining for you but you've got through it. He is the only one who knows what is going on in his head and you don't need to waste space in your mind worrying about his fuck up.

Relax and enjoy your evening. Your DS is at home, you are closer to having your home the way you want it and its cost you nothing.

What is has cost him is another matter, but the great thing is that he doesn't matter now.

What a shithead to come over and see you and do the 'poor me' drama. He's a big boy now and this is big boys' games. If it was tennis (well, its nearly Wimbledon), you would have defended his backhands and be about to serve your ace.

Stay safe and take tomorrow in the same vein as today. xx

Bloody brilliant.

I think it's an act. He is trying to take advantage of your good nature. He's hoping you say...ahhh, is my nasty solicitor upsetting you??? I'll put a stop to it.

wow what a performance he's put on for you....please don't let him take advantage of your lovely nature, stay detached. I do like the commentary from redundantandbitter

Have a lovely evening and enjoy your wine.

God, he pisses me off. He's manipulating you. As you know I just don't get why on earth you feel you have to have him in your house dominating you. You said yourself you felt it was no longer your home - that's because he's dominating you and taking over. Who gives a fuck if he's crying? Boo bloody hoo, poor pity. Who gives a fuck if he's a (smelly) mess? Couldn't care less, he has brought whatever on himself. I don't buy it though, I don't think he's a mess, or a real mess. He's making a huge fuss because his plan hasn't worked, isn't working. So what? Or, rather, he's trying to make it look like his plan isn't working so you'll go easy and give him the money give him what he wants. He's a sham and a charlatan. What a bloody carry on!

Cotton, if you really must have him in your house (!) tell him how long you want him in the house! It's your house he can go fuck himself can comply with what you want, not what he wants, leaving you to tip-toe around him. It is absurd that you're on show in your own home - your home is your sanctuary, the one place you can be yourself; and anyone who comes across the threshold has to fall in. Would you put up with this derisory carry-on from Joe Bloggs? No? Then don't put up with it from him, he's nobody. Boo bloody hoo that 'he put all the work in the house' (an inanimate object!), what about you and the heinous shit he has put you through? It's not for him to decide when he comes, how long he stays - it's certainly not for him to be weeping in your garden (FFS!). Or weeping anywhere, frankly. If your plummer came and was weeping around the joint you'd tell him to pull himself together in your home . It's not a public place, he is just a workman.

Yep, what springy said.

Thank you all for your much needed support x

springy - thank you for your incredible support and I loved your first sentence x

I feel very strange tonight. As soon as he left. I slept for 2 hours - I was absolutely exhausted!

I am really confused, he never gave a hint that he wanted me back and trust me, I would never have him back but he kept saying he made a huge mistake. He made himself very vulnerable and I'm not just talking about the tears, it was the fact that he kept saying he's ruined everything and caused so much pain to so many. Yet - he still gets angry at me?!

Can you fake significant weight loss? Can you fake sobbing uncontrollably? Can you fake anxiety? For the most part, I don't care but I'm not a nasty person and I know I'll be okay as I have support but (and I don't want to come across as a mug) I don't like to see anyone in turmoil. So, I suppose I am a mug

But you're not his. I was going to say 'you're not his counsellor' but, in fact, you are not his any more. He made that decision. He can't then walk back in as if the door is open when he feels like it (as he has walked back into your house, acting like he still lives there, that you have a viable relationship, that he can do what he pleases). HE cut off the relationship. He can't have it both ways...

But he seems to think he can!! . He seems to think he can come and go. Look, I don't care what is going on with him, it is no longer your concern. I imagine he knows full well that things are going to get serious re the financials, so he's pulled out this revolting stunt to knock you off track.

I'm sure he fully believes it, but that is because he is a self-obsessed and genuinely thinks that what is happening with him is genuinely at the centre of the universe. I wonder, was that was the flavour of your relationship in the past? ie you bowed to poor him, because he was a little diddums and it was your job to make things nice for him? If so, he's pulling on that again now. But it's not your job (it never was).

DON'T fall for it cotton! Let him taste the bitterness of what he's done without someone coming along and smoothing it all over for him - it may make a man of him. If, that is, he is in fact tasting any bitterness on your behalf - he clearly isn't because he's treating you like shit. The bitterness he feels is for himself.

Tell you what, ignore what comes out of his mouth. Look at what he does, how he treats you. He's treating you like shit IN YOUR OWN HOME. After he nearly killed you with what he's done.

If he really felt bad about everything would he not be making your divorce as easy as possible for you? Accepting his actions have impacted on you and doing everything in his power to minimise your pain.

He feels bad for him he's wallowing in your house and yes he can carry it in for hours if he feels like it. Anyone can lose weight for all sorts of reasons. as for the beard how do you know that he didn't grow it for the poor lost me look. He may well feel guilt on some level but from what you have said he is not willing to address that and start to treat you fairly, remember earlier you posted that he had started to talk about how skint he is, that is his agenda money, money through guilt tripping you so you back off.

Just remember his moral compass is not yours, how you deal with others is not how he chooses to deal with people. His morality is not yours, do not doubt or allow yourself to be drawn in by him because this is his goal.

Sorry if I ramble here I've had wine!

Isn't the tamp look part of the script. He is just trying to make you feel sorry for him so you are either nice to him or you start giving him information he can use against you.

There is no reason to turn up at your house looking like one, it complete lack of respect. I hope you told him that he stank and that he had come bacl tomorrow in a better frame of mind and not to spend all day crying at the choice he made for himself by himself.

I bet if you were to see him next Monday/Tuesday he would be washed and clean clothes as OW would not stand for him being like that for her.

He's trying to make you feel sorry for his bad decisions.

Of course you are drawn to his emotions. You were with him for many years. You are not a mug, just a normal person who has empathy and humanity.

Two things he will never possess. That's why your future is bright - you've got a soul. x

You are right, so right.

It is about money, I told him he was just crying over the financials. He even admitted he's scared of the money side and asked if he gave me all the equity would that be enough?

His DB told me when he saw him last week he was acting weird and moping about, I saw it for myself today. I told his DB not to fall for it as he has a great way of making people feel sorry for him - I almost felt sorry for him even though he's now asleep in bed with OW!

He ruined everything and now he has regrets?! I very nearly wasn't here a couple of times, I need to remember that, for my own sanity!

He's ruined everything for himself.

What he has put you through it unforgiveable but your future is starting to come together. It won't be an instant fix but he certainly hasn't ruined everything for you.

So he's scared of the financial settlement? Perhaps he's unsure whether OW will like him less if he can't splash the cash. Shame...

Oops. meant himself

nevergrowingup - mamma - springy - LBZT - R&B - growingold - clutterbug

PLEASE come round tomorrow, you talk so much sense x

Would love too. Don't know where about in the country you are though. I have my phone with me while I enjoy go to a steam and traction engine show.

I'll set the SatNav and shove a couple of bottles in the boot.

I know its cheesy but we sort of are with you. Just get through tomorrow and see it as one step closer to the end of this stage. Don't give headspace to his crap. Just keep batting it back. If nothing else, your loyalties lie with your DS. I bet your DS is counting the days until this mess of a FWH is out of your lives. He'll just want his DM back.

Isn't there a date for the ballet...

Time for a new thread??

I think I will need to start another thread - I'll make it obvious to all those who have given me support. Never thought when I registered on here that I would have needed 4 threads.

I think I'm a little sensitive today anyway as I haven't heard from my soldier since yesterday morning. He doesn't know my FWH was coming round - we don't talk about him.

Thank you for all the support on this thread.

Here is my new thread Cotton continued

xx