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Whatnext074 - thread continued

(1000 Posts)
Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 19:57:08

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

Zhx3 Tue 05-Nov-13 20:03:18

Hi What,
Lovely to see you back. How are you?

Zhx3 Tue 05-Nov-13 20:04:28
GenevievePettigrew Tue 05-Nov-13 20:07:02

Hello What I am one of your silent supporters. So pleased you've started another thread. Take care & remember you're stronger than you think!

impatienttobemummy Tue 05-Nov-13 20:08:15

Hi What, how are you doing? Thanks for starting another thread x

redundantandbitter Tue 05-Nov-13 20:11:06

Hey what - how was your first day back at work?

Glad you started another thread. We are all still here for you

Putitonthelist Tue 05-Nov-13 20:14:01

Hi what - here for you x

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 20:20:28

Thank you so much and thanks for the link Zhx3.

Had 2 weeks off work, felt a failure for doing so but I know it helped. Went back today, had meeting with my boss who put a 'support plan' in action. My support plan consisted of me not taking anymore time off work in the next 6 month for she would have to give me a written warning as I had a week off when my H first left me and I had sinusitis earlier this year.

So - my H leaves me, my world falls apart, I nearly end of pain and my support plan is not to take anymore time off!!

I also had so many people comment on my weight loss, one saying, how have you managed that?! I just said I've been poorly.

So not a good start really, my boss said she's just following procedure and she can do that because it's not work related stress.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 05-Nov-13 20:29:43

Hey whatnext!!

Have been thinking about my lovely and hoping you'd start another thread...

So sorry to hear about work- are you sure for can do that? You were signed off by the doctor though? Isn't that the same as being signed off sick? That's all you need...

Have you been eating ok? How's ds?

I've had my Pom poms and hotpants dry cleaned all ready for some more cheerleading if needs be.

X

mammadiggingdeep Tue 05-Nov-13 20:30:32

* sure she can do that....

This bloody phone......

redundantandbitter Tue 05-Nov-13 20:37:04

Blimey - your boss doesn't sound that brilliant tbh. How can she ask you to not take any More time off? Madness. Are you a member of a union , might be worth checking with them , know anyone friendly in HR? Did you agree to what she said?

I told my boss today that the a/d's are making me feel dreadful. She read the whole leaflet with the meds and advised me to stay in work ( obviously it's better for the bosses if we are there - evening we're useless!). Then she asked me to do a presentation on Thursday. Are you doing all your normal work? I hope it's been managed while you've been off and not piling up?

I get to stay indoors for 2 weeks / hopefully the nausea, cramps and headache will stop soon. You sound a bit better , how's your son?

skyeskyeskye Tue 05-Nov-13 20:42:03

I was going to PM you to see if you had started another thread, so glad to find this one.

If you have any doubts about your boss and what she is saying, then ring ACAS. I don't think that they can give you a written warning if you have been officially signed off by a doctor. What happens if you are ill in the next six months?

www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1461

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 20:49:12

I get severe migraines so the chances of me being off again in the next 6 months are quite high, I declared this when I started there years ago. I am a hard worker but I know I needed to take time out. She was careful to put it down as not work related stress. If I am off again and I get a warning then I will take it further but wasn't strong enough to argue today.

She's heartless because she has already told me that she is jealous that I am now on my own as she hates her H but can't leave. She then spent the rest of the time slagging off another staff member whose DM is terminally ill saying she can't believe she took time off sick and didn't spend all that time with her DM so she should have been in work.

I don't need this nastiness when I'm trying to get better. Some people are so cruel.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 05-Nov-13 21:00:26

She sounds hideous. Don't know what field you're on but I could lodge a complaint over her conduct where I work.

I know you don't have any extra strength at all but keep a note of it somewhere. Dates and things she said. If this comes back to bite you on the backside at some point it would be brilliant up have a log. Highly inappropriate for her to tell you about her h and highly inappropriate to discuss someone else's hr matters.

Try not to let it stress you- u just don't need it at the moment!!

mammadiggingdeep Tue 05-Nov-13 21:01:39

So sorry about my typos....when I re read my posts I a really hear it in the policeman from Allo Allo....this bloody phone and my typos!!

mammadiggingdeep Tue 05-Nov-13 21:02:09

*actually hear it....ffs I give up!!

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 21:04:09

Love your phone mamma x

redundantandbitter Tue 05-Nov-13 21:11:22

I second that ! Make a quick note of date and conversation in bullet points and save it at home. Hopefully you won't need it but it will just take minute while its fresh in your head.

Sorry about your weight loss - but hopefully you will be slowly nutritionally building yourself back up again - ready to eat that tin of Roses at Xmas !

mammadiggingdeep Tue 05-Nov-13 21:11:59

It's a love/hate thing we have going...love it allows me access to MN wherever I am...hate the bloody typos.

Hope you're ok this evening...
Good luck tomorrow with your hideous boss...show her what you're made of by getting stuck in.

Hugs xx

cloudskitchen Tue 05-Nov-13 21:13:38

Another silent supporter here. Glad you've started another thread. Your boss sounds dreadful! That's all you need angry x

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 21:29:35

I am trying not to let it bother me, it's her weakness not mine, I have enough going on but my job has been at risk for 2 years because of cuts and that would be the icing on the cake for me.

I can't get how my H was at weekend out of my mind. Having not seen him for 6 weeks, it helped to see him in such an emotional mess. I did wonder if it was for my benefit but he did the same to his DB too. He cried and cried and when he saw him today, he didn't speak at all. He is a broken man.

I just don't get it. He has what he wanted, a high powered job, a stunning OW, he doesn't want me, he doesn't want a divorce now, he's cold towards me when I am just kind to him as I can't hate him, although I did show my strength on Saturday and everyone said I looked great.

It's messing with my head. My heart is saying to help him, I know him better than anyone but he has hurt me beyond belief. I think he's having a breakdown. It's so sad, is that normal behaviour after men get what they want? I would expect him to be happy but he is far from that. My head is so messed up and now I feel guilty for getting a letter sent to him from my solicitor.

I try never to be a bad person but I just care about people, even though he has done so many things wrong.

Zhx3 Tue 05-Nov-13 21:50:59

He may well be having a breakdown, but remember it is of his doing - not yours.

I think most of us would show kindness to a person who was in distress, and you sound like a lovely kind person. My friend uses the phrase "killing someone with kindness", to describe a relationship she had with a colleague who didn't take to her. She felt she could stew over it and let it poison her, but she decided to remain kind - which did her colleague's head in. It put my friend in a position of strength, and totally wrong-footed the colleague.

If being kind to your h works for you, then great. You're not a game player by the sounds of things. But make sure every time that you look after yourself and your ds, and put your needs and wants above your h's.

Your work situation sounds tricky, and i think the advice to contact ACAS is sound. I'm not sure your boss can impose those conditions, especially if you've been signed off by a doctor. Do you have someone in HR who could advise? I tend to view HR with suspicion in my workplace, so ordinarily they wouldn't be my first port of call. However, if there's someone you can have an informal conversation with, please do.

You are still doing well, What. I hope work improves for you, do you have colleagues you can lean on?

cloudskitchen Tue 05-Nov-13 21:53:06

You sound like a very kind and together person. I'm not sure your H deserves your kindness to be honest but you have to be true to yourself. Your H is clearly realising that the grass isn't greener after all.

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 21:57:36

Thank you. I have some colleagues who are also very close friends but I moved teams at the beginning of the year and my whole team seems to thrive on gossip. I just keep out f it. Everyone is so stressed and I suppose for 2 weeks I was able to totally switch off and focus on getting a little better.

I will keep notes of what has happened.

I know people are so wrapped up in their own lives but I forgot how much people talk about their DHs at work and it got me down.

My H appears to be falling apart. If he knew this would happen, would he have done what he has? I don't even know if he's still with OW as he seems to be spending most of his time with his parents. If he's having a breakdown then it's because of what he's done but it makes me sad.

Thank you for your kind words about me.

Hey What I'm so glad I found this thread! I've been wondering what you'd been up to & I hoped you wouldn't just disappear.

Your boss does sound like a bitch. As others have said, note down what she says & then just try & do the best you can & just keep your head down.

As for your h, guilt has obviously taken its toll on him mentally & physically. Good! It sounds like you are driving yourself crazy though with your mind going over & over what's happened & trying to figure out why he did what he did. I don't think you will ever get answers to the millions of questions that you have in your head. He did what he did because he's a fricking idiot. You have behaved impeccably & I believe that karma is making him suffer right now.

Incidentally, has there been any contact between you since that email on sat night?

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