Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

Hiyaaaa...

First things first- who the f**k does he think he is saying he wants nobody there when he comes round to your house? Er... I hope you came back with either
A) silence
B) I don't tell you what to do in your house mister...

Jesus, the bloody cheek.

Anyway - soldier boy, mmmm can't help but be reminded of Beau Geste TV prog (not sure if that's the correct spelling)... You're probably younger than me ... Anyway, I'm a sucker for a uniform !

Ballet - whoo quite cultured indeed ... What/who is it? Done loads/seen loads as both me and my DB are dance trained (he's was a proper billy Elliott) . Get the venue/name of the company and do a little googling ...
Will probably help. Hope you don't Mind me interfering... Don't have much excitement of my own.. Aside from feeding my friends gerbils cause they're away...

So. Weekend.. Wear what you like and get a mate round, assemble that cabinet (I bought myself a drill recently!) and bang on the radio. Chatter and enjoy and don't even concern yourself with how he looks.

I have a 21 page form to complete for my financial advisor.. Been putting it off, but you have galvanised me now. Thank you x

Oh he's going to be there both days?? Cheeky fucker saying he doesn't want anyone else there....what, for a whole weekend??

Do you think he'll mind if 356 mnetters turn up? That'll teach him.

You know you don't need to even give his requests house room , don't you?

Yes mamma - both days, I'm so shocked! That's my weekend and I'm so surprised he wants to come both days. I have no idea what he's playing at. Either it's to absolve him and make him feel good about himself or hiw OW is away?? I can't see her being happy with it but then maybe she trusts him after the terrible picture he's no doubt painted of me!

He's agreed to come at said time. I am still stunned and don't know how this is going to pan out.

R&B - no date for the ballet yet, he's calling me later.

I am dying my hair right now - silly I know but it will help me feel a bit more confident. I also feel stupid trying to work out what to wear. I don't want to wear anything he's seen me in before. I tend to wear dresses now but I can't put a flipping cabinet together in a dress as it will look like I've dressed for him! I haven't, it's all about my confidence!

erm am I missing something here? Like the answer should could be NO. No. No. No and No. N O spells NO.

As others are saying, I am astounded that he thinks he can call the shots. He is 1. insisting on coming round - for TWO DAYS CONSECUTIVELY (effectively robbing you of your entire w/e) and 2. insisting that no-one is there. I am astounded. He gets to dictate how you live your life in your own home?

I just don't get why you're even entertaining having him round for a minute let alone TWO WHOLE DAYS. I don't get it - can you enlighten me?

Personally, I think he should fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more. aka FOTTFSOFATFOSM (famous MN phrase, aptly suited to this situ).

Please answer soon to put me out of misery - I just don't get why you're even considering it???

De lurking. Might it be worth running this by a lawyer, I know that your's is away, but must be someone who can advise?

I would strongly suggest that you have someone else as support. or even better, have someone else and not you to supervise him. He has shown time and time again that you cannot trust him. Plus, you don't want him to have any opportunity to talk/distress you at all.

Cotton, before I even read any of the other's comments, I also thought NO NO NO NO NO to you being in the house with him alone.

What everyone else has said is right, I won't repeat it.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I can throw him. You need to practice saying 'no' or even, just don't tell him and have a mate there anyway.

How dare he treat you like that. No wonder you felt so wobbly, he is still trying to shit all over you. You don't need to let him.

How dare he think he has that level of control in your home. He's bloody lucky you are even considering having him there.

springy - Cog was the first one on my thread to say that phrase 8 months ago and I still remember it.

The reason is that he left a lot of unfinished work in the house. The intention up until last week was to sell the house, however my financial advisor has said I will not get a mortgage even if I had tens of thousands of pounds (which I don't). I then saw a mortgage advisor who pretty much said the same thing. It seems my only option is to stay in the house for another 5 years. As this is the case, I need the work done and I can't afford to get it done myself.

My FWH knows none of this and if he was going to do the work then I need it done this weekend as I'm sending him my financial proposal next week. He believes it is my intention to sell the house and is finishing some of the work for a sale - and no doubt a profit for him.

I asked him last year to do it and it's only a few weeks ago that he said he'd come both days. I am still shocked 1) that he's doing it 2) that he's coming both days.

Him telling me who should be here and what time etc is where he takes the p*ss! He has no right. I have no idea why he's coming at all after this long time and when we are so close to the Decree Absolute. For me, I get the house in a reasonable state to live in.

OW's away for the weekend. Bet you.

I thought that R&B but he gave me an option of weekends, all in a row. I's strange.

*It's

I see where you are coming from. Whatever you plan, just make sure you are safe - and I mean from an emotional standpoint. Fake it if you have to but be distant and don't get drawn into any conversations.

Take care x

The optional dates... they think you are selling therefore the flexibility to get the house sold?

I think that's the reason nevergrowingup - they want things moved on quickly. He has no idea what I'm about to propose and if he doesn't do the work then I'm stuck with another bill.

Am I being stupid? I'm starting to doubt myself.

Cotton, I don't know as I don't know the details. However, you are not daft and I think you know the situation better than anyone else. I am concerned about you but the fact that you are about to land one on him almost makes this weekend 'the one where you screwed him over royally'

That doesn't mean I am not worried about his behaviour but I am not worried about your inner strength.

You are a step ahead!!! WooHoo!

'daft' is a much better word, thanks, I don't like the word 'stupid'.

Yes, it seems I have to go through this weekend for my own benefit, much as I never want to see him again.

He will get a massive surprise with my proposal, my financial advisor is very good and gave me a viewpoint that I'd never considered.

I need to maintain my strength though x

Maintaining your strength is easy - you have enough strength jumping off this thread to kick FWH's butt into space.

Do what you need to do at the weekend and don't give any hints of your motives. He is a means to an end, even if he doesn't like the end when its presented to him. Hold your nerve and think of the end result. That will give you all the strength you need. And your DS . This is about his future too.

Hi "WhatNext"

As tempting as it may be to have a one-to-one with him - as thats what it will be, really - Id have someone else there. Its nothing to do with him who is in your home. He has the OW and whoever else he wants in his home. Its just a suggestion. Him actually being there, in the home you shared...and the things he will say to tug at your heartstrings or even maybe upset you..I just wouldnt want you to be devasted with all sorts of thoughts when he returns to he life he's built for himself. I also think Nevergrowingup could well be right, he and OW think you are selling up.

Ive been there..its also very tempting to start 2nd guessing, wondering why he is doing what he is doing, trying to work out his motives, what he is thinking, why he is offering choice of weekends, etc...but essentially, what does it all matter anyway, in the scheme of life? Just keep yourself and your emotions safe..if you do decide to let him come round then I hope he actuallly does all he said he would, and that the visits aren't going to be a setback. Either way...good luck

I do say this very carefully, cotton... but the evidence is that he (or the situation - ie his actions) can send you into a terrible downward spin. Please be very, very careful. I do care for you; it's been horrible to see how badly each fresh revelation has sent you right down, when you have been herculean in building yourself up. He can't be trusted one inch - his calling the shots indicates he is behaving true to form. I can't see anything good coming from this, I can only see yet more pain for you - as if you haven't been through enough

I dread to think of two whole days of the bastard right in your face, in your home. I know it's easy for me to say but could you live with the things that need doing? I think the price of him doing it may be too high.

(Plus the law could well get him to pay for the work without doing it himself??)

I won't give any hints as to my next move even though I hate this 'game' but he has given me no choice. It is a means to an end and I have explained that to my DS that it's purely for our benefit and he agrees.

MistressDeeCee - you have offered me so much good advice throughout and I feel cross with myself for second guessing again, I thought I was done with that.

You are so right - what does it matter?

I hope I never see him again after this weekend, he is nothing to me!

springy - I truly value your opinion. I think I need to give this some further thought tomorrow. There is other work that I will be asking he pays for on top of this.

Oh, this is so hard. Each thing is new to me and I want it over.

Ok, so you've dyed your hair.

1)You feel good about yourself,
2 ) he's coming to do jobs that's really need doing. Great . Keep telling yourself how much better it will be after they are completed.
3) detach. Keep it businesslike . I never really look at my dds father in the eye. Vague short chat . " here's a coffee now get on with it".

Is there any way you could help him get the job/a done in one day? I'm only asking cause my dds father would always waste a good few hours with vital trips to b&q and timber merchants before work actually commenced. Prepping would mean he could crack on.

I always close my bedroom door too - in a "keep out- this is my space" sort of way .

Def get someone to drop round for a brew too. Or bob out and get a paper/some milk/fresh air. Hope you're not expected to feed him?????

To that end, isn't there some kind of legal wotnot that addresses eg houses effectively destroyed - or value depreciated - by errant spouse's 'DIY'? I'm sure there is, I'm sure I've heard of it on MN? (Where's olgaga when you need her!)

could you perhaps hold off the financial proposals until they're amended to include payment for works left unfinished?

Apologies for multiple posts. I'm feeling a bit panicky on your behalf! I don't think you're stupid, I don't think you're not as strong as an ox - but I do think he has dealt you a truly colossal, crushing blow and you are only human. xx