Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

Pah. My family are doing the same to me after only 7 weeks. Please don't take it to heart. NO ONE has a clue what it feels like and how it breaks down everything you are. Of course you're not selfish. Your DM sounds selfish! She is expecting you to play happy to make her feel better.

It's hard enough to get through it without other people pressuring you.

You'd get more sympathy if your DH had died. Sad to say but true. What people don't understand is that it's similar.

You've not only had to deal with the husband who you loved and trusted essentially disappearing in a flash...but worse you have had to deal with him turning into a completely differrent person. It makes you question your entire life.

Well done you for not ending up in the loony bin. Just surviving things like this is an achievement and you are the opposite of selfish

cotton your mum is not helping. It takes as long as it takes. Sooner would be better than later but you can't make it happen! Six months is nothing when you are grieving, because that is what you are doing, grieving for the loss of your H and your life as You knew it. It's not a competition as to whose life is the crappest. Your problems are important to you and DB's problems are important to him, both for your own reasons.

A very wise lady on here said that grief is the price we pay for love. If you didn't love him you would be over it very quickly. Anybody who can move in that quickly can't have been in love. The X's move on quickly because they are further down the road, they have OW to think about.

You ARE ok, you WILL be OK. It can be a difficult path but you will get there.

Incidentally the week my OH left us I wet to stay with my sister who stayed with me last year for six weeks when she was ill with IBS and I looked after her.

Within 48 hours she was complaining behind my back that I wasnt playing with my son.

As if what I needed at the time I was in such a massive trauma was to be criticized for being a bad Mum.

If the boot had been on the other foot I would have hugged her, let her cry and taken her child out to help her.

Sometimes family are just crap at being there for you. They have no clue what it feels like so they judge you and think they can get you out of it with tough talk.

Right now if I were you Id avoid contact with anyone who wasnt 100% supportive. You have enough to deal with without striving to meet someone elses idea of an appropriate recovery

X

Thank you all. She argued with me when I said it had been just over 3 months and she said it's been 6 months.

She asked what I got for C/mas and when I told her she said, " oh, did you get anything else?" I said no then she told me to stop going on about what little I got - made me feel like I'm going crazy!

She's just text me and told me I need to go to the doctor.

I stop my H contacting me and messing with my head then my DM starts! I won't answer the phone anymore. I know she means well but it's not helping.

grief is the price we pay for love I remember that post and it is so true.

Oh Cotton, if it is any consolation, my mum and dad can be a bit like that too. They keep shouting at me, not nastily, but a more "he's away, he's no good for you, forget him" kind of way. I think our parents just get so desperate for us that they don't know what to do for the best. They really love us and to see us so desperate.....well, they can't cope with it and they despair and don't know what to do for the best, so they get frustrated and it comes out all wrong and insensitive. Your mum sounds exactly like that too. She will be in despair and worried sick for you.
Hello to you too skye, thank goodness you are on here giving good advice. And all posters too!

Wow commiserations, your mum is making mine look sensitive - ignore her she is talking crap!

Was it August this year you were away with your H, if so that clearly proves you've not been apart 6 months.

Yes it was August we were on holiday and September 15th that I told him to leave as I had found out the day before about his OW.

What she doesn't understand is she says these things to me, gets angry with me and then I'm left sitting here on my own to deal with it.

I know they're worried about me but I have some of the family not talking about it and some of the family not wanting to hear about it anymore (they've told me that) and then the rest thinking I should be over it.

So I keep quiet now. Sometimes put a face on and sometimes I look contemplative. I can't help it, it hurts and I'm so worried about the next few months. I need support, not tough love.

I'll just post on here x

Good luck with your new thread (I have dipped in and out of your others) and good luck for 2014. x

Thank you AF x

Of course it hurts! You wouldn't be human if you didn't. You loved your husband very deeply and trusted him completely. We will give you support on here and you will, and I promise you, you will get through this. You will plummet to the very depths but you will get back up again.
You will be ok Cotton.
If you want you can pm me? You can offload to me anytime! I understand. You will be up and down sometimes like a yo yo. You will feel like you are going crazy, but it is normal. x

Give her a wide berth, lovely. I'm pretty short with my mum these days and close down convos the second she starts going off on a barmy/toxic tangent. I'm not unkind, I just absolutely must protect myself. Don't be afraid to shut her down the minute she starts - you don't have to put up with it. She may 'mean well' but pouring salt into your wounds is not helping, whether she 'means well' or not.

You've done well to get through these terrible days. Christmas can be acutely painful for a lot of people - it was going to be a challenge for you anyway, without the added wretched holiday . You will get back to how you were, you will get your strength back xxx

Hi cotton - sorry your dm seems To have forgotton your pain. its more than just annoying isnt it? I had an extremely upsetting and unsettling dream about exp last night. When I told my DM I was feeling unhappy and weird she walked out of the room. Hmmm. They are crap aren't they? Not sure if the dreams are a result of the anti d's - how are you getting on with them?

have you thought about forming a sentence you can trot out to your DM on the phone, any time you think the conversation is getting too unhelpful? Something like.. "I'm feeling a bit down today so please say nice things to me or I may have to speak to you tomorrow"? Nothing too rude but clear enough to say you're not taking any shit.

I'm not unkind, I just absolutely must protect myself - I need to remember this too and get back to basics. I think family saw me when I was strong and that's why they can't deal with how I am at the moment.

I am very worried about the next few months, I know I'm repeating myself but it's on my mind as at least I could say 'next year I will....' and in a few days it will be, 'this month I will be...'

I know I'll be okay, I have had darker times but I want to be so strong as I know when I see my H in a few weeks at mediation he will be a different person again, no tears, probably looking well and relaxed (after all, he is now immune to me) and I need to appear the same.

mrsmciver, thank you x

Don't worry about him, just spend your energy on yourself. One hour at a time, if necessary, then one day etc. some days just seen so flipping long like today but sure as eggs is eggs you will get through. Everyone is allowed a little slack x

Thank you R&B - I like your suggestion but sadly she doesn't listen really and gets frustrated with me so no point, I just won't answer the phone.

Soon I'll be NC with everyone at this rate!!

I'm having dreams too and screaming in my sleep but I don't think it's the tablets, think it's just anxiety. Having night sweats again through anxiety so I will go and see GP to see if I'm on right dose.

God - I hope my H is going to be more anxious than me for mediation. After all, I know what I will ask from it and he hasn't got a clue and last I heard from him he said it's driving him insane not knowing. Welcome to my world!!

You don't know how you'll be next month. Yes, you have [what appears to be] a mountain in front of you - don't be climbing it now, this second, this day. It's not for today, it's for another day - you don't know how you'll be that day.

ime, days I've dreaded have been much worse in the dreading, the reality isn't anything like as bad when it eventually comes round. I also can't count how many times a mountain I dreaded turned into a hillock I barely noticed.

also ime, when I eventually bounce back after a dark time, I come out all guns blazing - 1. because we just do buoy up somehow and 2. the immense relief that the jet black time is over acts like rocket fuel.

The comments and approach from eg your mum, your family, are hemming you in. You need to spread out and 'be' where you are - does that make sense? You're hurting so bad at this very moment, you need to be there in order to come out the other side. I hope that makes sense - it does to me (she of the many dark times).

Take a deeeeep breath, spread out, take your time xxx

springy - you're right. It's been like rocket fuel for me at times too, just that this has seemed to have lasted a couple of weeks now but that probably has to do with my anniversary C/mas and his holiday.

I have stopped crying tonight at least. I have 2 more weeks before my next session of Pilates starts and it does help with my breathing so I have bought a Pilates DVD tonight and a yoga mat sorry R&B

Thank you all for being there x

Ha! Good on you . I've been doing pilates for years hun, my fantastic teacher is 73yrs !!!

Nothing wrong with yoga - it's just not me at this moment in time- I'm sure yoga lady is very nice and warm and no, I don't own a mat

Good luck with your breathing x

I agree with the others about you feeling hemmed in. Your family want to have the old 'you' back and are doing the whole fingers-in-the-ear thing... lalala, I'm not listening...

It's a fear of the unknown, the scary prospect of dealing with new emotions that's partly behind it. But you can't deal with your Mum's approach along with everything else. All she is doing is repeating the bleeding' obvious. She's not offering support. Perhaps do as the others have said and work out a response. It will give you space to find your own feet and keep her off your back.

This is something you can take hold of and move on with at your own pace. Family are clouding the issue, free yourself from that and cherry-pick the support which will bring you through this.

I think you can see some kind of future developing. Now is about clearing a path for yourself, not one which you feel pressured into.

Hope this morning brings you some sunshine. X

Oh families... Where do I start...

When I was first left I asked my single sister to come and stay for a night. My nearest tube is on her tube line to work so no hassle. Told her I was lonely and would like a bit of company. Said we'd get a nice dinner and could chat- I'd drop her at tube in the morning. She said she was really he tic and couldn't fit it in for next few weeks. I never asked again and it didn't happen. This is a sister that I've done a lot for. Lifts everywhere, midnight phone calls crying over boyfriends, leant money- you name it. Was just unbelievable!!

I think what you've got to try to keep in mind is that they do love you. I felt like I was going to fall out with them too at one point but just refused to. It kind of makes you realise that some people just cannot be there for you in the way that you want/need. It's shocking but that's how it is. I also had a very close friend pretty much tell me there was nothing else she could say to me on week 7!!! If only talked to her a handful of times to her....after YEARS of me being an ear to her self inflicted dramas.

If it helps go right back to basics. A day at a time...'what am I doing this week?' 'What have a got on my plate to deal with today/tomorrow?'

You'll get there darling. I wish I could fast forward you through these shitty, bleak times. They fucking suck :(

Perhaps you could say to your "I am trying to get stronger but you are making it worse" when she gets into it.

If they are not helping then don't talk to family about him, come on here and vent someone will always help.

A friend I met on a similar thread said it was easier to discuss it on here as the advice wasnt coloured any personal relationship with both people. She also felt like she was getting on people's nerves in real life by constantly raking over it in an attempt to "make sense" of what had happened

She is now happily in a new relationship and is no longer thinking about the "whys"

You have to get there in your own time - could you get some counselling (relate?) in RL

When my stbxmil starts going on about things I don't want to hear I just get up and say "I don't need this at the moment so I'm going to go and will visit another time". I should have done it years ago when H and I had to deal with her sulking and being rude.

I've also found that the only person I can rely on to help me is ME. My family are too busy - my b offered to come and stay with me to help with kids when h first walked out. He then got called onto an urgent project at work and it has never been mentioned again. I've had NO support from my family but that's fine at least I won't feel guilty when I can't /won't help them. HOWEVER some friends really do surprise me and are really caring. But everyone is so busy with life. I now have no expectations of anyone - I do something if I want to.

Cotton today (and yesterday) I've sat on the sofa watching Christmas films. I'm not making any decisions or over thinking until NY is out of the way.

I do Pilates too - love it. My tutor made us do the plank for 90 secs just before Xmas - don't think I could do it for 10 secs now!!! In the NY I'm going to join a very small gym - mainly to expand my social life (and to get slightly fitter!).

I agree with the poster that said the mountains are after not as high as you think. Don't overthink the mediation. You can't control his behaviour but you can go in with prepared notes and figures regarding finances . You need to know exactly how much equity you require from the assets in irdr to move on. Do this over the next few days and over estimate so that you can negotiate. As a minimum it is 50%. Have a look at right move - can you buy anything with this And how much mortgage do you need. Keep busy.

Thinking of you.

I also learnt the hard way, not to call on family for support. No one can really understand or is interested in my life at all. I just got scornful remarks [from people who had not loved anyone in their lives]....

I've had to rely on myself and get support from agencies [helplines, counselling etc] and from the internet. To talk to people not emotionally involved helped a lot anyway.

I actually think the rough time you are having at the moment OP, having to deal with H's holiday etc. has been an opportunity to let go, cry, get angry, be upset, rage at the moon....then you can pick yourself up after the holiday season and be stronger than ever for having addressed it all, and with a chunk of grieving out of the way.

I used to 'break down' at weekends, because I could....no work and sons out a lot with activities/friends/their dad. I let it happen, then it gradually subsided over the months, but I had to do it.

If you have to project into the future, I agree with another poster.....work out where you will live, what you could afford to buy and how to decorate, do the garden etc. Think of good things, weekends away, nights with friends, holidays....because life will take care of itself and it does work out. Just think of you [not H and OW] and what your plans for 2014 are....and go to the cinema or out for a meal with your DS!

How you doing cotton?

You ok lovely? Hope you're hanging in there x