Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

On one hand I'd say reiterate the second they say his name I don't want to know

On the other hand, with the "spring" deadline looming you should know if they cohabit so that you can get enough of a settlement to get your lovely new sanctuary. I appreciate how hard that would be to know

You do appear to be surrounded by quite stunningly insensitive people, it may be as someone else said that you will need to distance yourself from people who are still part of his life if contact keeps hurting you.

Just a few days and this intense time of year will be over - even though you feel low you have still come a long way from the night we were worried about you

I think she believes it's helping me but it's not. I go NC with my H and then I get others 'filling in the gaps' and making me feel worse. It's not their life and they believe they are saying the right things to me but it sets me back.

On the other hand, I agree with bluesky and somebody else said to me that I maybe do need to know these things for my settlement much as it does hurt me. It might make my case stronger for a long term better outcome for me and my DS.

My MIL is telling family that my H has gone away with work mates - she omits that he's shagging one of them and is with her family! They have wiped me out of their history completely but I don't care about my PIL. They are in denial and are worthless to me and I hope I never see them again.

My H is convinced that he will make sure I get enough of a settlement to pay for rent for the next couple of years to get me started. We currently both own our home and I don't know an ExW who goes from owning a house to moving into rented property after divorce when her H earns so much, I hope I'm right.

springy - you're right, even through this, I'm always considering how it's affecting other people and worry that how I am is bringing them down. I need to get tougher as I know damn well he will be tough and clever with me through the legal stuff I have coming up. I might ensure that he gets divorce papers on Valentine's Day!

Thank you for your support.

A friend told me on xmas eve that he'd seen my Exp with today woman at a gig back in November - he was all over her, she was distant (apparently). Why my friend chose to tell me on Xmas eve is beyond me. It totally set me back .he even said he'd had a spare ticket and nearly invited me - can you imagine ??

I have asked him not to tell me if he sees him. I truly truly don't need the information, sink know how you feel about your SIL's info. You'll have to practise saying 'thanjavur I prefer not to know' over and over.

It's i retesting that your MIL can't bring herself to tell people the truth, that he's left you and is holiday with OW. Surely she can't be embarrassed by his 'noble' behaviour? Urgh. You are SO much better off without.

One of my recurring mantras is 'step out of the game'. I'm not playing. Go have a drama by yourself.

Hope you're doing something nice today?

Oh God R&B, I'd totally forgotten about that - you have a great memory! Yes, my MIL said my H was 'noble and brave' for taking the decision to leave me for OW and find his own happiness. What a bitch! By the way, my PIL only have 2 friends between them too.

Your friend was insensitive to tell you that on C/mas Eve or anytime IMO. I do think though that maybe I need to know bits of information for my settlement, I'm not sure.

I suppose I'm lucky in the sense that none of my friends are in contact with H, he has no friends.

Hey "handful" - I'm calling you that as I hope you give him it with both barrels once you get stronger I think I said before but id recommend starting a thread on Legal - so many people have been through this and a few of the "mums" are lawyers. Obviously don't take the advice as gospel and keep to the "business" rather than too much personal stuff.

I am wondering if SIL thought she was being comforting in that they are not having a break alone but with family. .. so maybe misguided info rather than completely insensitive?

I know it stings like a bugger but I do feel "knowledge is power" for you (smiling at the Valentine wickedness....go you!!!)

About the housing situation, we too own our house but I have just spent £5500 out of my savings on a rental house for 6 months while he still lives in our house and has her stay over often, he earns over 10 times what I earn a year....that's why I am moving back when my tenancy ends

Walking I did the same as you. He moved out after the six months and he hadn't even cleaned. I had to have shower all ripped out to replace the tiles I couldn't clean them!! I spent about £5000 tidying it up and increased the value by nearly £200,000 from the time he left to the time I sold it 2 months later, So it was well worth doing

bluesky - I have had a couple of threads on legal and kept it factual but the general response was that it will be dealt with in a fair way for both of us and also his spending on OW may not be taken into account which I thought it would as it is part of the marital funds.

SIL says it in a friendly 'gossipy' way to me, assuming I already know - but I have no way of knowing anymore. I think I'll use the information I need and will try and disregard the rest.

walking - that's not a good situation for you, unless that's what you wanted? I hope it's not too painful for you lovely.

Do you still have access to this money, could you remove a similar amount for yourself?

Sorry but your SIL sounds like an idiot - how can she not know how hurtful that is at this point.

No bluesky, we have separate accounts now.

SIL also told me that my H said he doesn't like children and never wanted them, you're right, how can she not know how hurtful that would be? My H pretty much said the same to me when he was spouting his venom at me over our lost 2 little ones so I knew that anyway.

I've decided, I'll use what I need to use and then make the boundaries even clearer when I need to.

Cottonbuds...I decided not to go out tomorrow night but to go for lunch and a drink on new years day to celebrate the start of 2014 which has GOT to be better than 2013. Maybe try and celebrate a fresh start?

I know it comes in ups and downs and how hard it is to do ANYTHING ( I spend most days staring into space and cant seem to get work done ever) but at the same time every day is a step closer to being ok again.

I keep reminding myself that I dont actually want someone who is capable if being such a twunt. Maybe you can try the same?

Have you tried getting out with friends a bit? Going fir a run? Ive been running every day and it helps a bit too.

sarajane - You really sound like you have your head together and I like your plans.

It's so nice to hear that others stare into space and find it difficult to get things done, I feel guilty about it.

I'm going to a friend's tomorrow night and then have my DSis, BIL and niece and nephew on NYD.

I live by the beach but haven't been able to bring myself to go there for 3 months, we planned so much of our future sitting there. My DSis etc will come with me in a couple of days. It has always helped me clear my head going to the beach so I hope I can get over that hurdle.

You feel guilty when you have kids because you know you're not yourself but its not YOUR doing, so try not to.

Make the biggest effort you can to get to the beach. The outdoors really helps calm you and you get a "life goes on" sensation.

My head is not REMOTELY together!!! I am doing the same as you which is my best. I cry all the time, cant think, cant watch TV, cant read. I just try and snatch small moments of peace.

I hate to think of you feeling like you are but remember you're not alone. I know it feels like a bad horror film and you think you're going to wake up soon and it was all a dream?

I am glad this forum is here, its given me such wise advice. I hope its the same for you xxxx

Yes, it has helped me so much and I have had so much support and good advice. Just when you think you're making progress though, it hits you again but to know that is normal and that it's okay to be like that helps.

My tv is on all the time, I don't think I've watched anything for months though.

The beach is my next thing, it is so important to me and my well being but I will do it with people to start with and then hopefully it won't be long before it's my sanctuary again and not a place of sadness.

I was told to write a letter to the person you lost ( before they turned into a monster ) and let it burn or blow into the sea as a private goodbye to what you lost. I might try it...but not ready yet. Do you think that might help?

I have written a few letters but not sent them, never will, haven't done it for a while though. I think it sounds like a good way to let a tiny bit go and I can see the physical significance of it but it has to be the right method for you.

Right now - I think a hard slap across my H face would benefit me more but I'm not a violent person. Is okay to have that image in my head though.

Evening Ladies, Reading how you sit and do nothing made me think and although I was rushed off my feet up until sat evening, and the 4 hours housework I made myself do today I have sat and done nothing I have 'shrek' on at the moment. I am not having thoughts of them hardly at all and don't cry much and when I do I don't have the pain with it anymore.

I'm sure when you have your own little nest it will be much easier Cotton.

Thank you cjel and I hope you're feeling a bit better today.

After hearing about your sanctuary, I did a little search last night on properties and depending on what I can get as a settlement, I hope to be able to afford somewhere I can turn into a home. Today, I'm not so scared about that part and am looking forward to doing up my own home as I hate this one.

I can't tell you how lovely it is to do that. My little bungalow is the same length and width as my old bedroom, bathroom and dressing room in the house I designed and built but this place really is a haven. That is something that will excite you as you get nearer to looking for itxx

Really cjel? Im dreading getting my own place. It'll be so strange having a house that isnt also his. I never considered that it might be a good thing.

I know what you mean by ups and downs. Do you find you're sometimed sitting there and it just HITS you like a sledgehammer?

Evening friends...

Well, tomorrow is the last day of this fucking year!!

Sara- I love the idea of lunch and a drink on ny day :) start as you mean to go on.

Cotton- even though you've had a hard time over Xmas, I still sense positivity coming through your posts! Talks of visiting YOUR beach... Already thinking about how nice it will be to get a property of your own. This is your year coming up...grab it with both hands and sculpt it into what you want it to be. We're all here rooting for you.

Cjel- hope you're feeling better....4 hours housework- you don't want to come and do mine next do you?!

R and b- hope all ok with you

I'm so excited for the new year. I'm ending this year slightly more sceptical about life than when it started but a stronger, more self assured, no bullshit taking woman. I'm proud of myself and what I've coped with. Life threw me some shit this year and I shouldered it and came out fighting.

I told you cotton...you can't keep a good woman down. You're on your way up :)

to you all

sarajane - yes, it hits you hard, I get the burning skin feeling and it's unbearable at times but MN has helped me through dark times, it really has. Keep going lovely. I haven't read all your thread but I know you're having an awful time and I know that running helps a lot of people. I might take up roller blading again.

I won't miss this house, too many unhappy memories and have wanted out for a few years. Only thing I'll miss is my beautiful bathroom but I can save up and get another beautiful bathroom in my new place.

Mamma - I love your attitude and I'm liking sweary mamma. Have you noticed there are no typos when you swear?

Actually, sod looking for a house, I'm moving in with mamma!

Cotton buds, not read your previous thread but I'm figuring that your dh has been a complete arse. My XH walked out on my 2 yrs ago on 2nd jan, I had an almost 2 yr old and a 3wk old to look after by myself. It was completely unexpected, I thought we were happy and fine, he had been having an affair with a work colleague throughout my pregnancy. Just wanted to say to you, it does get easier. I'm now with a lovely DP who I met online and we've just moved in together.

Also thought I'd share this with you that a very deep and philosophical friend sent me when I was having tough times 2 yrs ago:
"someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me a long time to realise, that this too, was a gift."

Good luck to you x

Yes really Sara, I have had this place ripped apart and only the week before christmas it was stilll leaking and I had to have the chimney rendered. I have been here a year last August and it is the best place I've ever lived. He isn't here, has only popped in a couple of times, and that is a good thing. I could never do what I wnated before as he always said we couldn't afford it but I haven't heard that once I have chosen everything myself - kitchen, bathroom carpets curtains, wall colours it has helped me realise I can do what I want and don't wake every morning with memories of 'us'. Since I've been here al the memories are what I've made. Its really peaceful. There are times I miss certain things but I don't think its much any more - getting stuff mended and out of the loft etc!!!! My life is good and having you to remind me is good for me.
The strength you all show inspires me. I want to expand my life outside of my home next year and do some of the things you ladies doxx