Whatnext074 is now handfulofcottonbuds - thread continued

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Both my previous threads have reached their maximum postings so I have decided to NC from Whatnext074 to handfulofcottonbuds - thank you to walkacrossthesand for suggesting it as it makes me smile.

My previous thread is here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1902849-Whatnext074-thread-continued still don't know how to convert links

I have had amazing support and advice from MNers since my H left me for OW - over 3 months on and I still can't believe this has happened.

Thank you to all those lurkers and de-lurkers who have contacted me to say that they have found the advice given on my threads really helpful to them too which is mainly why I am continuing my thread.

I have felt so many emotions, been distraught, desperate, strong, indifferent, weak, scared, independent and sad. What has helped is knowing I'm not alone and knowing there is always someone on MN who offers a hand and I will always be grateful for that.

I have a challenging few months ahead, mediation in January and divorce shortly after and moving out of my home. I am scared right now about my future, for 11 years, I knew my future would be with my H and we could handle anything but now I have to find who I am and create my own future.

Thank you for all your support - I cannot tell you how much it helps xxx

I'm sorry, I've been in a dark place past few days. Lots of tears.

I'm trying to get back to where I was, I'm trying.

Thanks for thinking of me x

It hurts so much - still

It's OK to feel like this. Take your time, take the support which is here. You can go over things as many times as you like, it's ok to be you and feel the way you do. Today is the only day that matters. X

Morning Ladies. Just found this and in a way I'm pleased to read of your struggles. I had the cold virus migraines and now stiff painful neck for weeks and weeks. I haven't been out and struggle with agoraphobia !!
I did have the picture perfect christmas with family and lovely surprises but last visitors went yesterday afternoon and my pain has been bad since!! I have slept well and I know my stiff painful neck is stress but it has made me worry about how I will ever be 'well' I can't picture my new life at the moment and all the lovely new friends I had a few days ago seem so far away this morning. I have been crying reading your posts reminding how this is a crap time of year and that things do get better Just what I needed to hear this morning. I am in bed with only thought of what I can't do because I feel too bad. You have helped me to see that if I want to stay in bed all day today its ok and doesn't mean that I've lost all my life - just that I have been unwell, will stop hurting and can do what I need to be kind to my self today.

I hope our pain will go and our tears will dry( I KNOW THIS TOO WILL PASS)xxxx

Cjel- hugs and

Cottonbuds- hugs and

Not long til 2014 (our year) starts ladies.....

Yes, yes cjel 'this too shall pass'
Xxxxxxx

Mate this was always going to be a low point for you. Christmas and the New year is built up to be such a twee wonderful cosy time of year but all it does for people with problems is highlight and intensify them - you just need to hold on and get through the next week.

Not many people are having the jolly Nigella portrayal of Christmas - in fact this year I doubt even Nigella is.

I certainly never got into the spirit this year afterwards I thought "was that IT?" I had a nicer day yesterday eating cake on the sofa watching a sleepy hollow and Law & Order marathon!

If he'd died, would you be saying 'It hurts so much - still' at only weeks into the horrible thing? No you wouldn't. What has happened is akin to him dying.

Your family insisting you ignore this and push it aside, get back on the horse and shut up, is DENIAL. It's probably a family pattern which has come home to roost during your agony. So, not only are you in agony, but you feel bad that you're in agony, and try to stop being in agony and push your agony aside. It doesn't work like that, lovely.

As a pp said, go for it and be in the agony. Surprisingly, it's a lot less agony when you stop trying to climb out of the sheer cliff walls of your pit and actually accept that you're in agony and it's no wonder . Of course you're in agony, this has been, and continues to be, awesomely painful.

btw I said I wasn't unkind to my mum when she goes off on her barmy/toxic tangents - but I'm not kind, either. I am short. 'That's enough!' has been known. I now shut the convo down the instant she starts - if it's on the phone I make a pithy comment and immediately swerve the convo. If it's f2f I say 'I'm not enjoying this visit, mum, I'd like to leave now' and I leave. I don't storm out, I give her a kiss and hug, say I'll see her soon, chatter about nothing much on my way out. I don't cower because it's not me who should be cowering, it's not me who is behaving abominably.

xxx

What Springysofa said is exactly right. Losing someone you love is the same no matter how you lose them. Even if that person makes you hate them, you still lost someone and a life that meant the world to you.

If you got over it quickly you wouldn't be human. That was lovely what someone said earlier about grief being because of love. It makes me feel better that my grief and all of yours is because we loved people and there's no shame or regret in that.

Good morning everyone. It is

Bloody phone!

It is inevitable that you will feel low. Christmas Day and the run up took all of your energy. It is over now and you did well. Now rest, cry, shop, watch a film etc and build up your energy supplies for NY and then that is it. We have all got over the mountain and on our way down to calmer times.

Someone on another thread said regarding NY - get a couple of really good DVDs, some nice nibbles and a drink and curl up on the sofa and don't watch the tv. Again before you know it it will be NYd and time to go for a walk or tidy the house or whatever.

You have done so well.

My STBXH told me last night that he can't see his kids this week as he doesn't have time. It made me cry afterwards the impact two adults splitting up has on innocent children. Looks like kids another NY with mummy! Hugs and cuddles on the sofa I think.

Sounds like we are all having a crap few days. Have posted on my own thread about DD ringing me in tears last night at 10.30pm because she was ill and missing me. It broke my heart. My family is split and I hate it.

cjelhope you feel better soon. I'm struggling with torn ligaments in my leg and its very painful at times.

itwill it's heartbreaking for the DC isn't it. How can these useless twats be "too busy" to see their own kids. As you know, XH says it all the time :(

what it's been a hard few days. Christmas is a shit time for some of us. Be kind to yourself, chill out, and pick yourself up and carry on with recovery. One step at a time, one day at a time. You are facing up to things, that's why it hurts. The words from Springy are wise. You have to allow yourself to grieve and it does get easier.

After XH went I was shaking all the time, not eating, crying. That can't and doesn't go on for ever. The initial shock and despair and grief, eventually gives way to a resignation and reluctant acceptance. Life trundles along for a while. It passes you by but it goes on.

You and only you can change your life. So little things, face each day and deal with it. Set yourself little challenges, accept all invitations. A MH worker said to me that you never know what will happen if you don't try and he was right. All easier said than done I know! But true words.

SKYE

to you all... What a funny time of year.

Come on 2014. Lets be having you!

cjel how is your neck today

I think I might have the same thing

Sorry that you guys are feeling bad x

AF.It is getting better I think, Ihave had a good nights sleep for the last couple of nights, but it is just starting to stiffen up again so it may be time I went for another lie down!!!
How are you?x

In bloody pain

I woke up with it a couple of days ago...stiff, sore neck. Thought I had just slept funny. Then it eased. Today it's come back with a vengeance.

Oh crap AF, its really miserable isn't it?

Thanks for the sympathy. Sorry for the derail, folks.

Thank you for all your posts.

I'm finding it all so hard at the moment and am trying to take it step by step but I am so worried about mediation and divorce.

My SIL contacted me earlier and said my H was on holiday with OW and her family, seems like he's set his roots down in his new life and being welcomed into the new family even though he has a wife at home.

springy - I feel awful for saying it but it would be better if he had died, I would have the understanding I need and also financial stability and know that he died loving me. People, those close to me are struggling to understand me, they've seen me strong and almost reinvent myself so when they see me crumble, they get frustrated.

My DS goes away for a few days tomorrow so I hope I can keep it together. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything right now.

I feel sad that I can't actually remember what it's like to have my H with me now, I can't remember 11 years of completely being together, yet I still have an indent on my finger where I took my rings off 2 months ago.

I need to start looking at properties on websites to see what I hope to afford for mediation but I can't be bothered right now. There is so much I have to do. I'm exhausted.

cjel - I'm sorry you are poorly. You have been a great support to me and I wish you well x

Hi cotton , just a few more days to get through then it's back to work and you'll have less free time and more to occupy your mind. How are you passing your days? I fund being in the house during the day very oppressive and depressing though that could be because my DM is here are you getting out and about. I have had to he VERY honest with friends and say please come round / meet up as I'm struggling at the mo. and you know what, people do help. Some have even rung me with their own ishoos and its helped me to repay them by listening and making them tea etc. it's hard at this time of year but , like I said, just a few more days.

LISTEN ! Stop thinking of him and OW. I promise you it's not all roses and sunshine. He's rushed into this , their whole time together is rushed and they haven't gone through a normal 'meeting a nice person and slowly getting to know them' process. They're thrown in at the deep end and it will take mammoth amounts of understanding and perseverance for them to get through successfully.

Im sorry to say this but i speak from experience . Personally any man you ups and leaves his wife AND son smells . But hindsight and karma, not that I believe that shite will bite him on the arse. Luckily you and your fabulous DS will be far away in the land of 'doing really well without you thanks' and you won't notice/care.

Thanks COTTON. I hear about 'their' life and it takes me right back. I went to sleep the other night and had thoughts about how unfair it was that she was makaing him happy in a way I couldn't.
I was in floods
Its like RandB says I really had to struggle to tell those thoughts to get out of my head. Its harder at times like this but we are still way farther down the road than we were.

I know how hard it is to downsize (I went from 800,00 to 250,000) for my new home but it really is my sanctuary and people come in and tell me it has a lovely feel.

You will love your new place as well. Think of the problems you won't have to sort out with him, its an exciting time, We'll be here helping you alongx

If your SIL keeps sharing with you what they are doing it's really going to keep setting you back - do you ask her or does she just volunteer this info?

So OW is with him now but that's because it's NOT intense, he is running away from the heartache you have been through - would you want to start a relationship with a man knowing that, it doesn't bode well long term does it?

Unfortunately, in my experience, it takes a long time for your heart to catch up with what your head is telling you. You will get there, If you are struggling to do it for yourself then just remember how much your lovely son needs you.

No bluesky - I never ask or even hint that I want to know, quite the opposite and have told her I don't want to know anything about him as it really sets me back. She thinks it's making me feel better but it doesn't - ever. She contacted me out of the blue, I didn't know he'd gone away with her family, just like I didn't know it was for 2 weeks.

I keep reminding myself on a daily basis that my DS needs me.

R&B - you're right. I need to stop imagining all sorts about their life, it's not healthy for me.

cjel - that's what I want, a sanctuary where I can make a home and make it welcome for others to visit with only my memories in. I hate this house and it's not helping me being here at all. He can walk away from it and have no memories around him, I need that too.

Not being able to remember him is the trauma, like a bomb has gone off, obliterating everything. Well, a bomb has gone off.

Your SIL sounds like a pita, frankly. She's not getting off on the drama and goss of this is she...

You seem like a nice sort, OP, but I think you're going to have to learn to be not quite so nice. You are allowed to cut people dead, to blank them, to give them the cold shoulder. If someone treated your son badly, would you have any problems being cold towards them? Same for yourself.