Alcohol

[Fark]

My DH had an accident at the weekend. I say it was because he was pissed. He says he hadn't had that much and he was concussed. He was reeking of alcohol when he came home, covered in blood and incoherent. We rowed big time the next day. Not in front of the kids.
I've asked him to speak to our teenagers as they think he's a tosspot who drinks too much I think he does too. They are angry at him and didn't want to speak to him and I said he was the adult and should speak to them and sort it out. He spoke to them and whilst saying he knows he did something stupid he also said, Your Mum's a bit strange as she doesn't need drink to socialise and he does. Am I strange? We only every argue over his drinking. It's not every night but he drinks in excess maybe two weekends out of four and the weekends can be a two day in a row thing.
Sorry I'm not making much sense really.
I'm sure he normalises things and tries to make me out to be controlling when actually it's not normal and things tend to 'happen' to him.

Apologies again for ramble.

Of course you're not strange. He's not the first alcoholic to use the line ... 'I don't have a problem, it's everyone else that's an uptight killjoy' or words to that effect. Normal people do not get drunk all weekend or so out of control that they don't know how they go concussed. What do the rest of the family do when he's either out getting pissed or recovering from a hangover? He can't be any use to anyone in that state? Not surprised none of you have any respect for him.

You and he think he can't be an alcoholic because he doesn't abuse alcohol every day. He can be - and I think he is.

This is unlikely to improve, so you have to consider if you want to stick around for the situation to deteriorate further. You can look at Al-Anon and the book I normally recommend is this one.

Well, he's an alcoholic, isn't he ?

What else did you expect us to say ?

I am sorry love, but you both need to face facts. Your kids can see something here while you two try to normalise it. Very damaging for them, and they need protecting from that.

My mother was a 'functioning' alcoholic and there was always another reason for her 'accidents', 'misunderstandings'..............it was never her fault for having had a drink - there was always another explanation !!!

Thanks for your replies. I've downloaded the book. How the fuck did I get into this mess. I'm dreading tomorrow, after our row I said this was his last chance. I've told him he has to move out if his drinking goes out of control again. He agreed that's reasonable. It will be a miracle if he doesn't drink to excess tomorrow and I will spend the day watching him and waiting.
He such a tit we have such a good life, our kids are amazing and they deserve better. I deserve better. I am thinking that his timing couldn't be worse but this all kicked off last year at this time too.

Sadly, it's 'messy' being in a relationship with someone whose first loyalty is to alcohol. Not your fault. As counsellors will tell you, you didn't cause his behaviour and you can't fix it. It is monumentally frustrating to see someone throw over a good life because they'd rather choose alcohol. You're always on edge waiting for the next event. All you can do is set your boundaries - which I'm glad you've done - and, if necessary, follow through. Good luck.

Cogito talks a lot of sense - I've spent the last 25 years blaming myself for my mothers alcoholism.........was it something I did /didn't do/could I have prevented it............... Logically I know it's nothing to do with me but I still have the nagging thoughts in my head

Only your dh can sort himself out, you can't do it for him. Your first responsibility/priority is to make sure you and your dc are safe and have a good life - good luck

Tribpot always gives good advice re alcoholism, she gave me some great wisdom about a family member in the past (I think I was under a name change).

"My" alcoholic faced up to their addiction, had intensive treatment/therapy for 6 months and has been alcohol-free for nearly 2 years. BUT they did it completely on their own - moved out of the family home, no threats, conditions, propping up from the family, just a robotic "drinking: unacceptable, not drinking: acceptable" mantra that we all kept repeating and stuck to. Previous cures through love/support/encouragement did not work.

I wish you the best, and IME Mumsnet is a good place to come for a sounding board.

Unfortunately an active alcoholic doesn't need much incentive to take their drinking up to the next level, and Christmas is a great excuse. This isn't a timing problem - it will always be worse at Christmas. And you will always be tensed and waiting for the drinking. If he wants to ruin his own life with his addiction, that's up to him, but it's your choice whether he gets to ruin yours too.

Please don't waste your energy thinking he 'shouldn't' be an alcoholic because you have a nice life - it's not like that. An addict is an addict because they're an addict. It doesn't have reason or logic in it.

What else is he doing besides 'promising' not to drink to excess tomorrow? Nothing?

Can you have an alcohol free xmas day? pour it all down the sink (not too early otherwise he will go out and buy more)

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

No chance Kittty. We're going out as part of a huge group. I really am struggling to get my head around what's normal and what's not with drinking. What I do know is his drinking is unacceptable to me no matter whether it's the norm here or not.

Tribpot, if he decided to give up drink for a month/s I know he could. He has done this before when following a fitness regime. His big problem is stopping when he's enjoying himself. He doesn't seem to have a thought for us or any arrangements we have. Then he ends up bladdered and does stupid things, falls over etc. It never ends well and he always ends up being ashamed of himself and apologises. He literally doesn't have a leg to stand on in any arguments and yet he does again. There's no 'right I'm going to switch to lemonade now as I've had two' switch in his brain. If any of that makes sense.

Yes - it makes sense. He's a binge drinker rather than what you think of as a traditional alcoholic who needs booze just to get up in the morning.

He still is a problem drinker, it just manifests itself differently. Some alcoholics can go for months or even years between binges, doesn't make them not an alcoholic.

See how things play out tomorrow. I think it is very, very unlikely that a binge drinker who does not accept the seriousness of his problem will go easy on Christmas day. And then you will have your answer - he will have had his last chance.

The thing is he has no control over his drinking - he can't stop once he's started.............could you make him the designated driver tomorrow so he's got an valid excuse not to drink

We are all walking there so no.

Fark that's so, so common behaviour and often not recognised as alcoholism.

Fingers crossed for you tomorrow. Is there anyone in RL you can confide in?

Al anon - define alcoholism as drinking that impacts the relationships of the people in your life....not how much, what, when and where etc.

Can you ask him tonight or in the morning when he sober to choose one of 3 options tomorrow:

1. Teetotal 2) 2 drinks then stop - as any more you loose track and willpower. 3) Drink to excess

And explain that the consequences of option 3 will be...x,y,z.

They're probably sick of hearing it. I'm sick of hearing myself. Feel very alone even though I'm not. Also, I feel a bit hypocritical as he's been lovely today as he is most days. We just hit brick walls every now and again due to his drinking. Anyone seeing us tonight would think I've made up/exaggerated the problem. I even feel a bit disbelieving at the moment.

So does that mean you have confided in other people the extent of the drink problem? Are they his mates that you're going out on the piss with? (You can see the problem if so).

Your teens deserve to see that there are real consequences to problem drinking. I would ask him to consider his options as Kittty suggests. It doesn't go away just because today he has been nice.

No there's no one there that I've spoken to today.

It's a different social group that he drinks with.

Well it's over. He's over indulged but hey it's Christmas so what did I expect. I feel like I almost set a trap for him but he was the one who said he would sort it and yet here we are again. He's pissed, slurring. I think if I hadn't heard him say 'you go home I'll just stay and have a whiskey with xyz' then I might have excused him some of it.

He won't move out, I know he won't and I will have to move my children to a different country, schooling system and way of life because he is a selfish bastard. I'm trying not to cry as I think I may not stop. We have friends staying over so I said I had a sore head and have retired early. He wasn't the only drunk one all the blokes were and that will be his defense.

He made his choice. It is not, in fact, legally mandated that you have to get pissed on Christmas Day. He could even have said: look, I'm never going to be able to get straight starting on Christmas Day. It will cause too much talk among our friends if I don't join in. So why don't I arrange to stay at a friend's house and come back and give you the day off on Boxing Day?

But he didn't. He agreed with you that if he over-indulged again he would move out. It doesn't matter what the others did, he is the one who came home covered in blood last weekend. The one who has disgusted his teenagers with his antics.

If you back down on the deal now, I think you will always regret it. Stay firm; you and your children deserve better than this.

I've told him, we are done. Not much point really as he was pissed. I am so tired. I don't want to be me anymore

And your right if I back down this will never end.