Alcohol

[Fark]

My DH had an accident at the weekend. I say it was because he was pissed. He says he hadn't had that much and he was concussed. He was reeking of alcohol when he came home, covered in blood and incoherent. We rowed big time the next day. Not in front of the kids.
I've asked him to speak to our teenagers as they think he's a tosspot who drinks too much I think he does too. They are angry at him and didn't want to speak to him and I said he was the adult and should speak to them and sort it out. He spoke to them and whilst saying he knows he did something stupid he also said, Your Mum's a bit strange as she doesn't need drink to socialise and he does. Am I strange? We only every argue over his drinking. It's not every night but he drinks in excess maybe two weekends out of four and the weekends can be a two day in a row thing.
Sorry I'm not making much sense really.
I'm sure he normalises things and tries to make me out to be controlling when actually it's not normal and things tend to 'happen' to him.

Apologies again for ramble.

If he thinks coming home from a night out with the Lads covered in blood is the mark of a good lifestyle then he needs BIG LIFESTYLE CHANGE believe you me.
Chances are at least one of his drinking buddies may be in the same head space/place ; desperate to get off this self destructive Merry-go-round but lack the balls to be a Leader not a Follower.
It's more likely hell be looked up to not down on.

And why does he have to out himself straight away? Eventually maybe, but it's his own Private Battle. The next time he's out ( and for gawdsake it doesn't mean there will be no rip roaring, genuine side splitting nights out socialising again, just this time he'll actually remember where he went, what he said and won't have the room looking on with pity when he falls over and splits something open.
When offered booze he can simply say 'no, thanks I don't feel like it' if that doesn't get through then he can man up with a harsher reply. ' No thanks, when I drink my life turns to shit' or how about with a spot of humour -' No Thanks I'm training for the Olympics.'

Good luck Fark, but after watching a big bloated toss pot lolling about weekend in, weekend out I imagine you're in no rush to share the Marital Bed!

I wish you well

X

Thanks Turd. I love this man and have two spectacular kids with him but if I give in now there is nowhere left to go with this. So no move back to my marital bed. I have a plan which I'm sticking to for the benefit of me (headspace and letting go of responsibility) and the kids (not taking them out of school, the school system and a different country till I'm organised). I'm hoping that he can stop drinking and smarten himself up and if he does then just maybe I will trust him again. If not then I have a plan and I'm holding onto it with my fingernails at the moment but I have a plan!

Which is why I'm covered in dust right now as I rip all the home stereo crap out of the spare room. My new bed comes on the 31st and I've just given my sofa bed to a very worthy cause. It appears I dint have a spare room just a giant cupboard.

Of course, he hasn't exactly needed to abuse whiskey at home given his binge drinking habit whilst out. But this will remove a major stressor from your life, i.e. fear of him walking back in through the door.

Have you asked him to give you the bed?

Hope today is peaceful for you, Fark.

Good for you. This could change.

For you: remember it's up to him, and

Actions speak louder than words.

Keep your plan B up your sleeve. There's no harm in having it there and not using it. But it would be annoying not to have worked it out if you do need it. But do stay focused- don't keep on giving him your generous benefit of the doubt.

Good luck

Fark he's telling you what you want to hear whilst planning how he'll get his next drink.

"I'll pour it away, I'll donate it to the next whiskey tasting"
"I'll only drink in the house so you can see what I'm drinking"

Anyone who lives with an alcoholic has heard all these and more.

An alcoholic is devious and cunning.

How do you know if an alcoholic is lying? He opens his mouth.

Drinking or not he has untreated alcoholism.

And it's up to him to get treatment. I'm not guiding him anymore, he has to take responsibility and he's a big boy who has google. I'm not telling him what to do to get me back. I've told him it's over what more can I do.

A mighty fine and sanity-saving plan Fark we all applaud you.

One final chance for him and then you can glide into your plan B.

Keep your ace up your sleeve and observe things quietly and from afar ; you will drive yourself mad if you try to constantly police his drinking and vocalise it. Luckily if he doesn't improve he will trip himself up sure enough - as a drinker their craftiness will always be exposed by the smell, ruddiness, sweatiness, talking of shyte and mood swings etc. they think they can hide it but its glaringly obvious.

Good luck Fark, you sound much stronger today
Remember to look after no. 1 and the kids. They may lose respect for their Father, but don't let them lose it for you. They need you to set a good example and I know you will.

XXX

Thank you again TOTH. I am a bit stronger today and my room is clean and almost tidy. X

Sorry tribpot, haven't answered your question re the bed. I think he thinks if I'm really uncomfortable then I will go back to our bed. I did this morning when he left for work and slept for two hours and I had slept till 430 on the sofa bed. He did say he would sleep on the sofa bed if I came back and slept in our bed the following night, I declined. Only two more sleeps till my bed arrives, I can manage till then.

What a bloody cheek, putting conditions on your use of your own bed. Not really the act of someone genuinely remorseful.

Well, you should be more comfortable soon and can focus on improving things for yourself.

He was joking and trying the old puppy dog eyes trick. He did make me laugh.

Enjoy your new bed tomorrow Fark!

And what have you /DH got lined up for New Years Eve?

Be prepared he may be using this as a big send off! Crash mats ahoy!

Thank you, I've been out and bought a new duvet cover, duvet and a fitted sheet.
Im not too worried about tomorrow as he's already started his program of not drinking. He's sent me an email stating the terms and conditions of his not drinking so he can't bend the rules to suit himself. As he says it's better for him if there's no ambiguity. They're his terms not mine as this isn't about me it's about him. He says he wants me back and he realises he has been a bad husband and father and we all deserve better. He is trying to get me back to our bed but I won't as my kids know why I'm there and I must show them this is non negotiable unless there's a change. As you have all said, I know I need to set a good example for them. But it's not just about them, I need to be in total control of me and this is how it will work. I've told him it's not a short term thing and I'm not game playing. I'm protecting me and I think he gets it.

He's a lovely man who does love me and our kids. Now if that becomes something we can't see again because he goes back on what he said then all bets are off. I hope not it would be a terrible waste.

Thanks again xx

Fark - have you said what would allow you to go back to the marriage? Is it 6 months dry...and then you will give him another chance?

I am in similar situation (but different bad behaviors to drink - although we have had that in the past)...he moved out for a few weeks in Dec - but is home now but we are sleeping in different rooms. He has been behaving perfectly and running around after me. But I have said that I want to explore our relationship with RELATE to decide if I want to stay.

AS with you - my oldest is doing GCSES (mocks next week) - so I am not rocking the boat for now.

My anger has subsided -- but he is desperate to get me back in the marital bed (less about sex, I think, more about closure).

But although things are superficially fine now - we need to work on this deeper. I do feel that I am trying hard to keep him at arms length - because for now -- he is not doing anything wrong.

But I want to do the RELATE thing before I committ one way or the other - otherwise I feel we will be back where we started.

Great news Fark!
It sounds as though this year he's taking you/ it very seriously and the terms and conditions (I hope they echo YOUR terms and conditions too!!) email is a step in a very promising direction.
Congrats to you for sticking to your guns and Kitttty is right to ask what your timescale is (if you have one) or if he has set one for himself.

IMHO if you say 6 months or however long, he may revert straight back, possibly salivating for the day when the 'task is over' and you may find yourself posting the exact same scenario next year.

There is the National Dryathlon Challenge taking place in Jan, but everyone I encountered who accomplished it went doubly mental to 'celebrate' the end and it only served to (falsely) prove to themselves that they could 'control' alcohol. It proved nothing of the sort.

My advice would be to let him discover how nice life can be day by day and count the days as you go.

All the best to you and your new bed and wishing you a truly Happy New Year, all year!
xxx

Thank you all for your responses and I'm sorry I've not been back. I got caught up in work, school with the kids and a whole lot of other stuff that's kept me busy. Well I've gone back to my marital bed as a. I missed him b. I missed my bed c. I've never seen my husband so regretful and disgusted with himself and determined to prove he will not drink. There is a definite shift in our relationship that I like. I've never been a mousey person but I have at times given in and been manipulated into thinking I'm the unreasonable one. No more. The drinking can't happen again. He knows this and has said so much about not wanting to lose me that he knows he would be making a definite choice...divorce. He has laid it all out in black and white so there's no squirming or manipulating the situation to suit himself. He did that not me.

Now, if this all goes tits up feel free to tell me we told you so. Thank you so much for all your help I really couldn't have been strong without you. Xx

Kittty - I could be wrong but reading your post makes me think you don't think he's ready to commit to this plan yet. I've never seen my husband so sad and this time although I wanted to I didn't scream at him and I was relatively calm thanks to mumsnet wisdom. He talked and I tried to keep quiet as I'm a bit of a problem solver but this time he had to come up with solutions himself. Ones that I'm hoping he sticks to as he has made them, they're not being enforced by me. Please feel free to PM me if this doesn't make sense and I will try to explain myself a bit better and Good Luck x

Fark

I would read up on co-dependency as there are often elements of this in such relationships where alcoholism is a feature. You come across as codependent and have acted in all the usual ways i.e this is a problem for you to solve. Nothing you have tried to date has worked. Your man's primary relationship is with drink and it is still with drink. These people all make bargains and promises, all are empty ones. And he should have gone from the marital bed, not you.

Your main priority should be you and by turn the children who have become too wise to his drunken ways and have seen and heard far more than you perhaps realise. He has also done his fair bit too in giving them mixed messages.

What do you think they are learning about relationships here?. Did you yourself grow up with an alcoholic parent?.

Al-anon would be a good place for you to join. What you are doing now I am sorry to say is basically prolonging the agonies.

All the best Fark, I hope this will be a success story. "My" alcoholic (not my DH but a close member of the family) has not had alcohol for over 1.5 years and is very, very happy and loved. They are in many ways a completely different person. I would not have believed it possible 2 years ago so happy endings are possible.

No I had a happy childhood Attila, no alcoholics in my house but will read a bit more about codependency.
Unexpected I hope ours has a good outcome too and am still pissed off that it's hinging on someone else making the right choice. I have in the meantime changed where my salary goes to and I still have my plan in place if we need it. Xx

I have to say I agree very strongly with Attila and think your behaviour mirrors my own when in that situation ie co-dependent.
You should have nothing to do with your DH's 'terms and conditions' and tell him that these are nothing to do with you and he doesn't need to email them to you.
His wish to keep a bottle of whiskey in the house is very concerning. He is too scared to be without the stuff. There are no 'permitted' drinks for an alcoholic, and he is one. He will abuse it.
Have you suggested AA to him? What was his response? That he could do it on his own, or do it with your help? If that was possible, he would have done it by now. He needs to stop, maybe one day at a time, but for ever.

Hi Fark!

Hope you are experiencing a massive shift in the right direction :)

X

Hi, thanks for thinking of me. Yes, massive shift still a bit scared to say it out loud and obviously still early days. He's turned down offers and has told people he's not drinking and why including his boss. He's also in a very stressful situation at work and hasn't 'lost' it at the few weekends we've had since Christmas. As I say it's early days x

That's a massive positive start Fark and I believe in him. He sounds strong. There may well be the odd slip up, it's only natural for him to test the waters but hopefully by then he will already know how great life can be without poison.
Also when he gets into the rhythm it's vital not to just sit home staring at the walls. He need to inject new things into life, open up his world. Do more, not less at the weekends. Treat yourselves.

Cherokee saying...

Son to Father :- when the good wolf and the bad wolf fight, who will win?
Father :- the one you feed.

I hope your future is all you dreamed it would be Fark. You seem like a prize he will fight for.

All the best

Xx

He got drunk again. Am in spare room. Nothing else to say really.

Depressingly predictable. Are you going to do something positive for yourself this time or keep hoping for the impossible?