Alcohol

[Fark]

My DH had an accident at the weekend. I say it was because he was pissed. He says he hadn't had that much and he was concussed. He was reeking of alcohol when he came home, covered in blood and incoherent. We rowed big time the next day. Not in front of the kids.
I've asked him to speak to our teenagers as they think he's a tosspot who drinks too much I think he does too. They are angry at him and didn't want to speak to him and I said he was the adult and should speak to them and sort it out. He spoke to them and whilst saying he knows he did something stupid he also said, Your Mum's a bit strange as she doesn't need drink to socialise and he does. Am I strange? We only every argue over his drinking. It's not every night but he drinks in excess maybe two weekends out of four and the weekends can be a two day in a row thing.
Sorry I'm not making much sense really.
I'm sure he normalises things and tries to make me out to be controlling when actually it's not normal and things tend to 'happen' to him.

Apologies again for ramble.

I agree, not sure you need to reply.
Work out your plan for the next 2 months and then let him know later. Honest, you can't save him, he's the only one who can do that.

By changing your behaviour to focus on you not him, you will be effecting a huge change for yourself,

Okay - it sounds like you have a manageable situation to get you through to the exams, which was your milestone for this year anyway. I still think you should kick his sorry arse out of the main bedroom since symbolically you are the one being punished, but he would no doubt find a way of sabotaging that even if you did.

I think your understandable feelings of grief and betrayal will be more productive if you treat this as grieving the end of the relationship, rather than just yet another massive dip on the rollercoaster. You really need some Al-Anon support - you can find the list of countries they operate in here and they do electronic meetings of various kinds, which you can find out about here.

Yes Squeegle, I think last time it helped to have a plan. I need to focus on that again but this time stick to it.

Yes, I am grieving the end. Me being in the spare room is easier for me. I do want to email him back but I won't. He said he left at 930 as he wasn't enjoying himself. I said well why did you come in at 1230? He looked confused. His brother is out next week he can tell him we're separating and why. He's thankfully not staying with us.

I want to email him No excuses.
No big dramas.
No big explanations.
I had a drink. Didn't really enjoy it at the time (too many other things going on) or the sore head I have now.

Ah well worth losing your family over then!

I think the problem as I see it with emailing back and saying that kind of thing is then his focus can be on arguing with you. If you leave him to stew he will be forced to focus on himself.

Don't engage, though - that's what he wants. So that then he can attack back, and say you put him under intolerable pressure and so he had to drink, blah blah. Also by making it about that one incident (which it isn't at all) you run the risk of him trying to turn the tables and saying you're being unreasonable, first slip of the year and it's nearly March, etc etc.

Your anger means less to him than alcohol. So all you'll do is frustrate yourself because he won't acknowledge the extent of your feelings.

You can't engage successfully. Your energy is better spent elsewhere.

Really don't engage. Any kind of contact is an opportunity for him to keep feeding this self-pity kick he's on. Part of leaving a relationship is detaching and stopping caring.

Hi Fark, I'm so sorry. I have been thinking of you and hoping things were going to turn out OK.

This is NOT YOUR FAULT! I know you know that, but it helps to remind yourself all the time when someone has been telling you differently.

There were no consequences for your DH last time, I do think that is part of the reason he hasn't changed. Has he sought external help? If not, how can he know that 'he will never not want to drink'? There are successfully recovered alcoholics, if he wants to be one he can be.

Please please find some specialist support for families of alcoholics, or listen to those on here who have been through it. It will help you process your feelings and reactions.

I completely understand that you don't want to disrupt your family. If you can hang in there for 2 months while protecting you and your children emotionally then do so, but you need to have a long term plan as well.

((Un-mumsnetty hugs))

"I'm not putting there Dad before them. There's been no huge arguments. They know he's a knob with drink but they also want to stay here and not leave. He works a lot so they hardly see him anyway. It will only fall apart if I do so I mustn't".

You misread me; I stated that please never let them think that you are putting him before them. The effects of all this on them now will likely follow them into their own adulthoods, you do realise this don't you?.

I think your homelife fell apart a long time ago. You do not need or have to keep this sinking ship afloat any more.

He is apart from being an alcoholic, a poor father figure to them anyway.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?. They are not being shown a good healthy model of a relationship are they?.

And I reiterate do not e-mail him. Your emotions are better channelled elsewhere.

There also do not have to be huge arguments; the impact of his alcoholism on you all is massive. Alcoholism is truly a family disease; it does not just affect the alcoholic here.

By the way, I do understand all the weeping. I did that too. It is a grieving process, and very painful. I know just where you're at. And you will come out of it stronger, cos you will at some point in the journey see things with a new perspective as you say goodbye to how things were.

Sorry if that sounds a bit cheesy but I do believe it. It's the pain and the adjustment that can start the detachment from how we wanted to believe things were. Does that make any sense? Hope so.

I'm so sorry. I am a recovering alcoholic. I don't drink. No excuses, no reasons. No special days. Not because anyone makes me, but because I value what I have (partner kids job family) and I know my drinking puts it at risk.

Actually its simple. Once you ( the drinker) accept its a problem. I expect your husband has not accepted that its a problem. There is nothing at all you can do to make him do this. It will come or it will not. all you can do it take care of yourself and your DC

Unexpected-that made me cry more. Of course, deep down I know it's not my fault but somewhere it strikes a chord that this is somehow my fault. Thank you for the hug I need it.

(I think) it would be so much easier to leave if he was a 'rolling home drunk every day drunk' but he isn't. He's a binge drinker and it can go weeks/months in between and even worse he's not that different from our friends. (Friends wonder what I'm on about). He doesn't come home and beat me up and he doesn't ever get to the things listed in the 'soberblogs'. But no one else but me is let down by him not coming home when he says or never wanting to leave the party. Or mopping him up after a fall or getting him away from assholes he tries to befriend because he's too drunk to recognise they are assholes. Or falling asleep at functions we've paid money to attend. Leaving our house when we have guests to go to the pub because I put Erasure on to dance to. Shouting at a waiter 'Oil Fucker' to discuss a bill. I feel like I'm going mad.

I'm so confused is this more about me than him because I don't think these things are acceptable. I'm so confused.

'Oi' not oil. There are so many things I could list I just don't know. Help

What do you stiull get from this relationship now, what needs of yours are being met here?. Something innate within you is still keeping you within this and this is why I asked you originally to read up on being co-dependent. This unhealthy state often features in relationships where alcoholism is a feature.

It is NOT your fault he is an alcoholic. Thinking otherwise is your co-dependency talking.

Re this comment:-

"(I think) it would be so much easier to leave if he was a 'rolling home drunk every day drunk' but he isn't. He's a binge drinker and it can go weeks/months in between and even worse he's not that different from our friends. (Friends wonder what I'm on about). He doesn't come home and beat me up and he doesn't ever get to the things listed in the 'soberblogs'. But no one else but me is let down by him not coming home when he says or never wanting to leave the party. Or mopping him up after a fall or getting him away from assholes he tries to befriend because he's too drunk to recognise they are assholes. Or falling asleep at functions we've paid money to attend. Leaving our house when we have guests to go to the pub because I put Erasure on to dance to. Shouting at a waiter 'Oil Fucker' to discuss a bill. I feel like I'm going mad".

Not surprised you'd feel like you're going mad. Anyone would feel bonkers in such circumstances. He is the root cause of you feeling mad, sad and confused.

Many alcoholics actually only associate with other problem drinkers, those people are the only ones socially who put up with them.
Ok, so he does not beat you up. That does not make the other crap that he does any less bad does it?. You're being dragged down with him by associating with him at all, you're likely to be pitied by them as well.

He makes me cringe inwardly and you have enabled and put up with him for far too long. Why did you try and get him away from arsehats or mop him up after a fall?. Those behaviours enabled him and certainly did not help either of you. What you have tried to date simply put has not worked and will not work either. All that enabling does ultimately is give you a false sense of control, that is what doing all that for him gave you at the time. It is a relief short lived.

How many people in your own social circle know he is a drunkard?. Not many I daresay but alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy.

Are you really going to disengage properly or continue your ride on the merry go around hat is alcoholism?.

He came home from work and asked if I still wanted to go out tonight. I said I'd cancelled the booking. Im feeling a bit stronger, I'm meeting up with my friend tomorrow and have spoken to my best friend on Skype. They, like you assured me it's him not me. I am so right in that I deserve so much better than this. I might have found a house back home too. I could live in it with my folks and they could have a Granny annexe. It's just the shit local school I have to get my head round. I know that sounds like I'm moving at full pelt again but I need a plan. I really NEED a plan!

Hi there Fark. I am a recovering alcoholic and the child of an alcoholic father.

I really feel for you. It is a horrendous situation - and I can speak from both sides in a way having been terrified by my father's behaviour and then as an adult resentful of DH 'interfering' and trying to 'control' me when he objected to my drinking.

Unfortunately the reality is that you can't force/persuade an alcoholic to stop. Often criticising their drinking makes them dig their heels in more. The best thing tends to be to leave them to it - and not clean up after their mess (literal mess and emotional fallout - i.e. mess in broadest sense).

You could get hold of a leaflet from AA called 'are you an alcoholic?' and leave it out for him. It has about 20 questions and I remember going through and getting a terrifying score of about 18. It certainly hit home for me.

My father stopped drinking after my stepmother left him. She had threatened to do it for years, but it was only when she followed through that he faced up to his problems. He went into treatment and then joined AA and they stayed together.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I feel huge shame and regret over the way I behaved and am massively relieved to be a sober, responsible wife and mother these days. Life SO much better this way too. I'll bet you anything your DH isn't happy with things the way they are; he just won't want to admit it to you or himself yet.

Honestly, there's no chance Fark's DH will respond positively to her leaving such a leaflet around. In his mind, she's the one with the problem.

Stay strong Fark, you were so impressive the last time, and who can blame you for giving him another chance? So glad your friends are being supportive and understanding.

I need to know what I'm entitled to money wise when I leave ...can anyone help?
Not sleeping, bad stomach and heart broken, I need to pull myself together but it's really hard.

Hi Fark, just posting to offer a virtual hug, my partner is an alcoholic too, so understand what it's like. I wish I had something positive to help :-(

Hi Fark, hugs here too. How are you feeling?

Hi Fark

Really sorry to read of the latest turn of events.

Please use what (little) energy you have at the moment to focus on you and your kids.
Keep your thoughts under wraps, you've told him how it is and leave him to his one devices. Build a thick comforting cocoon around your sanity and that of your kids at least til the exams are over. In that cocoon you must start planning your new future. A future without tears and heartache.

He is disillusioned into thinking he has not hit rock bottom, yet.
The fact that he has not been done for having a DUI or lost his job or family is supporting his notion that all is well.
Losing his wife is no longer a ' high bottom' and only you can decide to do this. More for your ( and the children's) sake. Forget him.

He can take care of himself.

All the very best of strength to you Fark.
Believe in yourself.

Xx

One - own