Alcohol

[Fark]

My DH had an accident at the weekend. I say it was because he was pissed. He says he hadn't had that much and he was concussed. He was reeking of alcohol when he came home, covered in blood and incoherent. We rowed big time the next day. Not in front of the kids.
I've asked him to speak to our teenagers as they think he's a tosspot who drinks too much I think he does too. They are angry at him and didn't want to speak to him and I said he was the adult and should speak to them and sort it out. He spoke to them and whilst saying he knows he did something stupid he also said, Your Mum's a bit strange as she doesn't need drink to socialise and he does. Am I strange? We only every argue over his drinking. It's not every night but he drinks in excess maybe two weekends out of four and the weekends can be a two day in a row thing.
Sorry I'm not making much sense really.
I'm sure he normalises things and tries to make me out to be controlling when actually it's not normal and things tend to 'happen' to him.

Apologies again for ramble.

You are sounding very together and very strong, you are sending a really good message to your children about alcohol and relationships as well.

Thanks for your replies but I'm not strong or together. I'm a mess. He says he realises I deserve better and he will get better. He's not drinking from now and for the whole of January. He wants me back in our bedthat bits really tempting as the sofa bed is sooooo uncomfortable says he won't touch me it's just so I can get a good nights sleep! Eh how about you sleep on the sofa bed for a night and then I will definitely get a good nights sleep.
I'm reading the book but it doesn't relate that closely to us. He's not as bad as the case studies. I'm done with how he behaves there is no going back fom that but it's kind of making me feel like I'm over reacting. He thinks it's better if he changes the way he plays his hobby. As in, not playing with the crowd and going back to how he used to play just him and a mate.
And what happens if he cleans his act up and changes when I've left does that make it my fault. Am I the reason he does this?

Sorry that was such an incoherent ramble. That's what's in my head going round and round and I'm sleep deprived. Sorry

Hello, sorry you are feeling like this. I know that I often felt the same: ie that it was down to me to give him a chance.

And I did by the way, thousands of them. And I was let down every time. Now.... My experience is of course not going to be the same as yours. But, for what it is worth I would do a couple of things.

Think carefully about how you would like your life to be; about how you would expect to treat a partner and how you would expect to be treated by him. Talk with about this. If he is respectful, understanding and gets where you are coming from, then ask that this is the way forward.

If he tries to minimise your fears, doesn't want to talk etc, then you also have an answer.

And then you have a blueprint for going forward. Basically, you have to set your own boundaries. And your boundaries can only be about you. So for example a boundary could be

1. I will not live with someone who is rude and nasty to me when they drink

Or 2. I will not put up with my children being upset by an inconsistent drinker in my house

Boundaries should not define another persons behaviour - eg you must not drink more than half a bottle of wine.

That would turn you into a rule enforcer and in that way lies madness. We can only govern our own behaviour, not someone else's.

Ps, asking him for the courtesy of him sleeping on the sofa bed for a few days would be interesting. If you deserve better and will get better then surely this is the least he could do to give you a bit of space.

My ex husband was a functioning alcoholic , we have been split four years so I don't know the ins and outs of his drinking now

When I look back at what went on it's quite unbelievable really, truly revolting

I imagine it's hard when you read about people like him whereas your husband isn't "that bad" I suppose though it is that bad for you and that's the bottom line isn't it . We all have different tolerances to things and you told him he had a last chance and he took no notice it's as simple as that.

I think from what you say he has the potential to sort himself out but that will only happen if drastic measures are taken because he clearly isn't taking you seriously

I feel for you Fark, been there too....

I have 2 words for you/ him.....

SOBER BLOGS

They are a MIRACLE and a whole new world will open up I guarantee ! They are one of the best kept secrets going in a world where AA seems the only alarming answer!

(AA has helped a lot of people and is an excellent organisation, but it does not appeal to all for whatever reasons).

Tell him To Google the above, then you sit back and let him do all the work.

sobernorman.wordpress.com/

Is one of the best, written by a British Emergency Services Guy who is funny, articulate and bang on the button after realising his life was shrinking due to his distructive love of the sauce.

All the very best Falk!

X

It definitely isn't your fault. And even if he recovers after you've split, that doesn't mean that it was your fault he drank when you were together. It means he's finally realised that his relationship with alcohol is unhealthy and has taken steps to address it. Your leaving might be the catalyst for the change but it doesn't follow that it was the cause of the behaviour in the first place.

You absolutely MUST tell him to get out of the bed and let you have it if he's that repentant. I think he just wants you back in there to smooth it all over and pretend nothing is happening. Bugger that. Squeegle's right. His reaction to that suggestion will be very telling.

If you need reassurance that you're not overreacting I think the response of your teens - disgust, anger - shows you that you aren't. They've had enough of it too.

Well have been and got me a bed. Woohoo! It arrives on the 31st and I'm so tired there's no way I won't sleep tonight, am tempted to have a nap now. I will do once I put an advert up for the sofa bed. Will have a look at the blogs first though. Thank you all again.

That's great - woohoo!

Would it be wrong to forward sobernorman to DH?

Keep the focus on you, Fark.

His desire to change has to come from him. You could print a blog post so that if the right moment in conversation cropped up you could say you had printed it for your own purposes, but it still doesn't sound like he accepts he has a problem, just that you want him to stop drinking?

No, that's what I reckon you should in fact do.

BUT as the saying goes "persuasion never works; intrigue snares every time " or words to that effect.... I forget the real quote. Read it on the aforementioned Blogs....and can't find it again.

Anyway. You need not to preach, explain, ask, beg, justify why he should read SoberNorman, just say ' thought you might be interested in this.'
No snarky looks ( from you), no tutting, eye rolling, dead eyeing, crying etc.

Or just a simple email entitle the same.

Guaranteed he will read it. If not straight away; his curiosity will get the better of him and he will read it safely in his own company. In secret. Let him. Ask no questions relating to the blog/ blogs as it is his battle. You can provide to toolkit, but he must pick up the tools. You will be able to tell how it's being received by his attitude in the next few days.
These blogs are a big wake up call.
Seemingly gentle but very fucking firm.

Good luck, remember back off re the blogs but do set boundaries, get a decent sleep and keep strong.

((((((( another hug )))))))

xx

Ps (you can (secretly) swat up on the Sober Blogs yourself and arm yourself with knowledge and power as to what kind of info his boozy brain is receiving).
It may also help you to understand how he is feeling (although at times it's really hard to actually give a flying f^€* I know!) but it sounds like you could have a decent husband underneath it all.

Tribpot, sorry didn't mean the NO in response to your post!

Sound info, and yes the major focus Fark is on you and your life/sanity and it goes without saying, that of your kids.

Sadly society tends not to out problem drinkers and so they smoothly transcend to being up to their eyes in it before anyone points out

Eg. 1) pew, you stink like an alcoholic
2) Christ, you look like a down and out ( no offence to down and outs btw)

It's nice that your kids are open to comment.

Naturally the offending fuck-wit is shamed and retaliates by digging in there heels, that's where the blogs come in. The offender cannot argue the toss. It is down there in black and white. Time and time again. End of.
With only 2 possible outcomes. Win or lose. There is no other way.

Good luck
Xx

Their

I really support the keep the focus on YOU moving forward approach - this will have more impact on him - to show that life is now moving on with out him. If you start to try to fix him - get over involved etc you are opening yourself to some sort of co dep, taking responsibility for fixing him. He needs to do this himself, in his own time, place and way.

We've talked a bit more. I'm so tired I can't really muster up any emotion so that's a good thing. I think he might actually get it. He's sorry, ashamed and disgusted with himself. He asked me what I wanted him to do but I refused to say. I said this is about you and these must be your decisions. I said he had destroyed my trust in him to be able to control this. He said he will do anything to make me like him again and I said you need to start liking yourself first. I asked so what happens next time if I give in now? He had no answer for that. Exactly what I thought. I said how can we go out as a couple anymore? Do I tell you how many you're allowed to drink? Do I watch you like a hawk, policing you? I gave you a last chance and you got pissed. How on earth can I ever trust you again? He said he understands and he doesn't have an easy answer for any of these questions. He gave me a run down of things he was going to do. Being honest with friends about drink and his problems etc. donating bottles of whiskey to the next tasting night (this is massive) and I said and when I leave there should be no resentment of me, these were your choices to make. He said yes, it's about me fixing me.

I'm not sure if I will ever trust this man again and if I do it will take a while. A lot can happen in six months but at least I'm in control of me and hopefully setting a better example to the kids.

Thanks again MN Vipers, here's to my next wobble, may they decrease in size with longer gaps in between x

And is he going to give you the bed so you can get a decent night's kip?

Is he going to go to his GP and admit his alcohol problem there?

Is he phoning friends right now to tell them about his alcohol problem? Does he even know what his alcohol problem is? All I hear is 'ooh shit I don't want my wife to leave'.

The important thing to remember is you judge based on what he does, not what he says.

However, keep the focus on you, hope you get a good night's sleep. What can you do tomorrow that is a treat just for yourself?

Funny my DD said she would swop beds but he hasn't. No to all of the above. No mention of GP/counselling either. I'm trying hard not to engage and give him solutions. He's back at work tomorrow that will change his mood as he focuses on other things.

This will sound daft but I'm going to take my youngest to a climbing wall. We will have a good laugh and some exercise to boot.

I agree, I don't think you should ask him to do any of these things, with the exception of giving up the bed. That I would ask him outright to do, just to see what his reaction is.

Climbing wall sounds like great fun!

Couldn't agree more with keep the focus on you. He is old enough and intelligent enough to find all the solutions on the Internet/ AA etc etc.

By doing it himself he will be more committed; otherwise it's always going to be you imposing rules, or gives him an excuse to say "I'm doing this for her" etc etc

Sorry if I sound preachy, I just feel like I was there. I read so many books on how to help him. In the end the only thing that works is detach (with love) and let him help himself.

I agree with the blogs.

They helped my sister's husband to be a sober and supportive husband once again after he slid into a mid life booze fest crisis.

It's like a parallel universe of help where (apparently) anonymity and lurking is the key to success.

Not many people know about the Sober Blogging world. likewise not many people are willing to go to see their GP and have it on their file, or be seen nipping along to AA meetings. Oh, the stigma!

But let him pull his own socks up definately and yes, Talk is Cheap.

Keep strong and focused and you will come through either way.

To me, willingness to put it on your health record, and willingness to be open with friends and family, are absolutely essential to recovery. Addiction thrives on secrecy.

No Fark I wouldn't take him back.
Mostly because he has never admitted that he is an alcoholic but also because, just like Squeegle said, the trust has gone. He could look me in the eye and blatantly lie about his drinking...by the end i had given up even asking him.

I'm not gonna lie and tell you it will be a breeze..being a single parent is tough. But I'm guessing you're doing most of it yourself now anyway. And my DC tell me I'm calmer and less stressed now. Without the added responsibility of trying to manage manically control another adult's behaviour my life is so much better!

Use the strength you have used to stay sane in the alcoholic's madness to make a fantastic life for you and your DC in 2014!

He's talking about not drinking when he's out as one just leads to another. He'd like to keep one bottle of whiskey in the house as he doesn't abuse and can control his drinking of that. That's certainly true or has been so far. I have been clear that these are not deals he can make to get me back. They're deals he makes with himself for his own benefit.
He read Sobernorman.

How easily he's going to manage this I don't know. It's going to be hard. It's a whole lifestyle change for him and outing a weakness to friends/family/strangers. He says he doesn't want to be a fat, drunk slob anymore and has the perhaps 'romantic view of marriage' where his wife fancies him and he can't imagine me fancying him in the state he's in.

So I know talk is cheap and I will continue to sleep (I did last night) in my 'room' and hope he's strong enough to do this. In the meantime I'm going to start researching house prices close to my family in the UK and schools etc. and save my salary into another account just in case this turns nasty at some point. (Don't think it will, but I read MN so have a heads up).

Thanks again for your support.