Alcohol

[Fark]

My DH had an accident at the weekend. I say it was because he was pissed. He says he hadn't had that much and he was concussed. He was reeking of alcohol when he came home, covered in blood and incoherent. We rowed big time the next day. Not in front of the kids.
I've asked him to speak to our teenagers as they think he's a tosspot who drinks too much I think he does too. They are angry at him and didn't want to speak to him and I said he was the adult and should speak to them and sort it out. He spoke to them and whilst saying he knows he did something stupid he also said, Your Mum's a bit strange as she doesn't need drink to socialise and he does. Am I strange? We only every argue over his drinking. It's not every night but he drinks in excess maybe two weekends out of four and the weekends can be a two day in a row thing.
Sorry I'm not making much sense really.
I'm sure he normalises things and tries to make me out to be controlling when actually it's not normal and things tend to 'happen' to him.

Apologies again for ramble.

Fark - you're doing what's best for yourself and dc. Only he can help himself and he's obviously not ready to. Good luck and keep us posted. Or if you need to vent come here

We're here if you need to vent Fark, you sound very determined.

Sorry it's come to this.

So sorry, love

I am not sure he leaves you any choice. His fault. The consequences must be his alone.

We're not speaking, well he's not attempting to speak and I don't want an argument so am saying nothing. DD was speaking to her Gran on Skype and she asked if he'd been drunk. DD said yes, he said No. Then they handed me the iPad and had a whispered discussion about how he was drunk and wasn't that bad and he wasn't the only one. And it was Christmas after all... She said you said you were going to do something about it. He left the kitchen.

I could hardly speak to my MIL as I didn't want to break down. I will miss them too. They're good people, my inlaws, and have been seriously Ill recently but I know this split will mean not seeing them again. Kids will be old enough to see them on their own when we get back.

Have decided to wait till end of school year then leave permanently. GCSE year for my kids so better for them. If he refuses to move out I will go and buy a bed tomorrow and move into the spare room. At least I can have six months in a comfortable bed not a lumpy sofa bed.

Need to Skype my family and tell them I'm okay but I'm not...

Fark - I am sorry that it has come to this - and that your hopes that he would/could pull it off for his wife and children were not fulfilled.

Do push thru with your plans, move out of the marital bed room and progress what you need to do.

I think that maybe you have more hope that as a binge drinker once you have detached - he will feel the loss and might come round? as opposed to someone who drinks daily and is never sober.

Keep talking on here and keep focused on what you need to do for your children and ultimately your husband.

Take care.

I'm in the spare room. I'm fighting not running upstairs and raging at my locked bedroom door. I want to scream at him. Why am I downstairs when you are the arsehole. I hate him. He bought me an expensive present for Christmas and I want to smash it into smithereens. He bought it to butter me up after his bad behaviour. I just don't want to be me anymore

But the problem isn't you, the problem is him.

I would suggest that you let him know:

• he needs to save his money for finding another place, so the expensive present can go back
• he should consider moving out so that your teens can finish their GCSEs in a peaceful house, after which time you will be leaving.
• if he will not move out, you will be taking the bedroom back and he is welcome to use the spare room. However, the front door will be bolted when he goes out on a drinking binge and will not be unlocked, so he needs to find somewhere else to crash until he is sober again.

You can continue to see your in-laws if you and they wish to. It sounds as if they see him for what he is as well.

Even my Mum said well its Christmas. He sat tonight and had seconds and thirds of the turkey I cooked today. that will be the last meal I cook. I did it more for the kids
He drank wine with it.
No abstinence for a few days with him and he left his plates on the floor. How the hell am I going to last for six months like this? I'm sobbing here on an uncomfortable bed and I can't stop my mind whirring.

Get support, Fark. In RL as well as on here. Please consider Al-Anon. There are people there to support you and you will find out more about addiction. Good luck.

People don't understand. I still have friends who say "oh but you can have a glass of champagne at Christmas, surely?" Errr ... NO.

Personally I don't think you should try and put up with it for six months. I don't think it will do your children a lot of good either. If he won't move out, could you rent somewhere for six months?

No my inlaws have always treated his drinking as a joke, that's how it's handled. I asked them to speak to him about five years ago and they didn't. There's always a funny story of something he got upto or did when drunk. I try not to participate in the laughing as it's not funny this is our life.

I don't live in the UK, no Al Anon.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/links

al anon is global with links, meetings, phone services in many countries.

you dont have to do ANOTHER 6 months - you have done enough. he knew the consequences - he needs to leave.

take care

Thanks for all your replies and support. You've no idea how much you're helping me.

He came into the spare room this morning and we talked. I cried a lot, he said he's not going to drink for the whole of January and see how he gets on. I said that was great but that we' re still finished. That sounds so harsh but we'll be back to normal in the blink of an eye. One of us has to do the right thing and that's me.

I had sent him a video a few weeks ago when he came in wrecked and fell asleep. It wasn't attractive. He only watched it yesterday and said I deserved better and he knows that. He tried to justify Christmas Day and of course he can in his head because he doesn't remember it really. I reminded him of things that happened. minor but not for me after everything else

I had my DD come up to me on Christmas Day and say he's drunk again. I have to be strong urgh such a cliche for them. I've told him I'm buying a new bed for the spare room and that we will behave like grown ups in front of the kids. I will try not to be angry which is hard because he has destroyed our life together They deserve that.

I need to focus on this plan and be strong. If I didn't love him this would be so much easier.

There's no Al-anon where I live Kittty but I've been downloading some books and will read through them. And as long as I have the internet I have all of you and you help me see the wood from the trees.

fark you are right to focus on your plan and yourself and your DC's.

Alcoholics survive on manipulating, lying and justifying their behaviour and drinking (look he drinks more than me, well it's Christmas/ weekend/raining/ sunny, United have won/ United have lost). Heard them all.

Hard as it is, don't get sucked into his game. Don't 'nag', beg, guilt trip him (if you loved me/DC's you wouldn't ' drink). Just get on with your life and plan.

Look at Alanon online.

Yes, I'm done with being the 'spectre at the feast'. Nagging, cajoling and begging. It's not good for me mentally.

You're quite right, Fark. He should give up for January for his own sake, not as a way of trying to get you not to leave. I will lay odds he will use the fact you haven't caved in as an excuse not to do it. "I would have given up but you didn't give me any reason to" - like this is somehow your problem to deal with.

Is he starting sober January now, or does he - of course - need to drink on NYE first?

We didn't discuss it. I want it to be his choice not me controlling him because he can't control himself. Does that make sense? Also, I don't want him saying Well I didn't drink on NYE because you didn't want me to it has to be his choice.

I will tidy the spare room it's tiny today and I need to sell the sofa bed too before I buy the bed. I can kip in with one of the kids for a night or two if I have to but hopefully not. I have also spoken to the kids and said what the game plan is. They're too old to be kept in the dark and I've said they can talk to me or they're Dad anytime and that I love them and somehow this will work out. Because it will.

Agreed - the whole thing has to be his choice. But if he were really committed to giving up he would just stop. No 'oh but what about NYE' bullshit, just stop. You shouldn't have to tell him that, though. You might want to suggest he gets the drinkers' version of the Beat the Booze book I recommended to you earlier in the thread. This was the one that really made a difference to me. (That said I had admitted I had a massive problem with alcohol by the time I read it).

You don't need a massive amount of space in the spare room, just the fact it is your own will be a huge comfort. I would get the sofa bed on Gumtree (or similar) pronto, or get a furniture charity to take it away - you will feel more energetic if you can see real progress being made, and he will get the message loud and clear that you're not messing around. The second chance has been blown and you are done.

Given your kids have expressed their concern about their dad's drinking I think it's exactly right to tell them what's happened. Far better than them thinking you are turning a blind eye / condoning or even enabling the drinking.

Thank you tribpot.

Hi Fark
I have just spent my first Christmas without the stress of worrying about monitoring my DH's alcohol intake...lying awake until he stumbled in roaring drunk to make sure he didnt leave the door open again...waiting for the next binge to start...and it was GREAT!

Al Anon have helped me so much this year, it's a shame they aren't available to you. My biggest change for me was detaching from his drinking in the 3 months before he left...I wasn't responsible for any of his drinking (despite what he said). Alcoholics a sly creatures who will say and do whatever it takes to carry on drinking: I finally twigged on that he would start a row at 2.30pm on alternate Saturdays so that he could "storm" off and get drunk!

One major lesson you learn in Al Anon is to "keep the focus on you" and off the craziness that is the world of the alcoholic. Take care of your needs and those of your DC. I was sure that my DH wouldn't last without me...sure didnt i do everything for him (another trait of the partner of the alcoholic )...and you know what, 10 months post seperation he is in his own flat, all furnished, working fulltime and curbing his drinking..

They're a resourceful lot these alcoholics!

Good luck...onwards and upwards!

Gooden, Would you ever consider taking him back?

Goodenuf, you have described perfectly the hell that is living with a binge drinker. That feeling of waiting for the door, hearing them stumbling in, late and pissed when they said they weren't going to drink. The worry that they were going to set the house on fire with their cooking! The pleading and the crying, the sorrys, the hope and the hope being dashed again.

For me the detachment also was the most important thing. When I truly got it into my head it was about him and there was not one damn thing I could do, then the choice became simple: can I live with this or can't i? And then of course the answer had to be no... And the question became how can I change things.

And by the way I also got the "well it is Xmas", "can't you just put up with it" stuff (from my dad!). They never had any inkling of how bad it was. They thought it was just a bit of over indulgence now and again.

Strength to you Fark, sounds like you're moving the right way. And funnily enough he became sober about 8 weeks after he eventually moved out. But I didn't do it to get him sober. By that stage it was about my sanity and protecting the kids. By handing over the responsibility to him, it actually had the result I had wanted years before. But by that time the trust had been destroyed big time. I wouldn't have him back now.

Good Luck.

Ps a good website for support from people going through similar is sober recovery. It has a forum for friends and families of alcoholics. It was a great source of strength for me and allowed me to keep focused on what was right and not be sucked in by the manipulative and emotionally blackmailing words of an alcoholic.