Alcohol

[Fark]

My DH had an accident at the weekend. I say it was because he was pissed. He says he hadn't had that much and he was concussed. He was reeking of alcohol when he came home, covered in blood and incoherent. We rowed big time the next day. Not in front of the kids.
I've asked him to speak to our teenagers as they think he's a tosspot who drinks too much I think he does too. They are angry at him and didn't want to speak to him and I said he was the adult and should speak to them and sort it out. He spoke to them and whilst saying he knows he did something stupid he also said, Your Mum's a bit strange as she doesn't need drink to socialise and he does. Am I strange? We only every argue over his drinking. It's not every night but he drinks in excess maybe two weekends out of four and the weekends can be a two day in a row thing.
Sorry I'm not making much sense really.
I'm sure he normalises things and tries to make me out to be controlling when actually it's not normal and things tend to 'happen' to him.

Apologies again for ramble.

What are you going to do about it?

An alcoholics regret and sadness, is not the same as a normal person's. It is easily forgotten, used to get out of 'trouble', used to manipulate. They can 'easily' give up for days/weeks and then bam back to the same old stinking behaviour. After all he has proved to himself by saying no and being dry that he doesn't have a problem, that is what he has been doing the past month! What are you going to do to look after yourself? What boundaries will you set? Or will you just put up with this forever? I absolutely feel for you, but you will find yourself in a carousel pattern of repeated behaviour from him and you, if you don't step off and make a change in yourself.

You talked lots about last chances in earlier posts?

Yes, that's my life. Depressingly predictable.

I feel for you too Fark. It's such a bummer. Like the others say though, it's stuff like this that gives you the impetus to set very clear boundaries.

In my view/experience, it is no fun to live waiting for the next slip up, and hoping against hope it won't come, and trying to avoid situations that might precipitate a binge, and then being really upset when it happens. For me it made things a lot lot easier when we weren't in the same house any more.

Keep on posting here, you have support.

Fark, I'm sorry to hear this. I would suggest you have a read back through this thread if you haven't already, and look at it objectively. I think you'll see a pattern of your responses to his actions which he ultimately manipulates into 'forgiveness'/surrender until the next time.

Particularly last time you left the marriage bed and allowed him to lie in comfort whilst you suffered on the sofa. At least this time the spare room is comfortable, but just as last time, it is he who should be moving out - of the bed, of the house. All you're doing is punishing yourself, not him, hoping that will hurt him. But if he cared about hurting you he wouldn't have done this.

Let's do as we said up thread and put the focus back on you. How are you doing? How did you sleep? What's something you can do today to improve your situation, whether that's take the best bedding for the spare bed, start decluttering in preparation for a move at some point, or just a nice day out with your dc where you can have some peace and quiet?

He's told me to buy tickets home. I can't take a flaming here not yet just hold off for a wee while.

He said I was just waiting on him to fail.

I didn't sleep much so am tired. I can't leave the house as I have a very bad tummy but that's nerves. It's a common occurrence. He says he's never going to not want a drink. I said why send me an email with so many promises then. He's angry at me.

No flaming from me. I lived with an alcohol abuser from a family of alcohol abusers for 12 years and, in the end, he left me rather than the other way around. I saw a lot of the other family members putting their partners through exactly the same 'promise/relapse' pantomime. Only one followed up the promise of abstinence with consistent action. It's just sad to see someone trapped in the same cycle of vain hope. Maybe you could tell yourself it's a temporary split or a trial separation if it makes it easier?

We're on your side Fark; stay strong in yourself. My ex used to say exactly those words to me.

I guess in retrospect I can see that he felt he was waiting to fail and vented his anger and frustration on me when he did. Which isn't fair of course.

"He said I was just waiting on him to fail."

Playing the 'you're out to get me' card does him no favours. The correct response to this one is... 'I'm waiting on you to keep your promise'...

He's not even sorry he's angry at me and says he doesn't want to hear it again.

I can't stop crying

Sorry but not altogether surprised to see that he got drunk again.

They all say that; he will likely also accuse you of setting him impossible targets. A relationship with an alcoholic is never really anything other than chaotic.

But again Fark, I look at you. What are you going to do now?. What's he mean about buying tickets home?

All you can do Fark, is disengage completely from this and get yourself off the merry go around that is alcoholism. You love him yes but he loves alcohol more and alcohol is a cruel mistress.

You are also playing a part in the ongoing problem here, alcoholism is truly a family disease and you've been playing the roles of codependent and enabler far too long. Its time to let go of all this because you are being dragged down with him.

If you believe one thing- please believe that his drinking or not drinking is NOTHING to do with you. His choice, his consequences.

The 3cs re alcoholism:-

You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

He has sent me an email
No excuses.
No big dramas.
No big explanations.
I had a drink. Didn't really enjoy it at the time (too many other things going on) or the sore head I have now.

Can you think of a reply. I just want to write ODFOD

Ignore any e-mails he sends.

Am more concerned about you actually, what are YOU going to do?.

I wouldn't bother replying. Don't feed the drama. Don't bring nibbles to his pity party. He knows how you feel about his behaviour. You know how you feel about his behaviour. If you buy the ticket home maybe courtesy mail him to tell him when you're leaving ...

Kids two months away from important exams. Can't leave, don't live in the UK.

He says he's never going to not want a drink.

That's a fact of life for all alcoholics. I think about it every day. But I've just passed 1000 days sober.

He's now made his choice. He isn't ready to quit. He may never be ready. But the fact is that here and now he will not stop drinking. He doesn't want to hear it again - and you're wasting your breath saying it. Having a huge row with recriminations flying won't actually help - he is addicted to alcohol and he is choosing not to face and fight that addiction, and that's all there is to it. Step off the merry-go-round, as Attila says.

He's told you to buy tickets home because he knows you don't want to interrupt your children's schooling in their GCSE year. It's a calculated act. However, if he can afford flights he can afford to move out until they do their exams. Because I guarantee that staying in this particular set-up will not be conducive to your children doing their best in their exams - you'd be better off taking the hit of moving them now and getting them settled before it gets any closer to exam time. But it would be massively disruptive compared to him leaving the house until the exams are done.

x-posted with you. Don't reply to the email. There's no point.

Just to warn you, he's likely to use anything you do (or don't do) today as an excuse to drink again tonight.

Where are you if not UK?. What are your rights and the legal position here for you in this country?.

Exams are exams; they can be retaken or redone somewhere else. And what for you after these are done?. You cannot simply use them taking exams as a reason for staying (even a couple more months because it will be simply two more months of his pitying and self serving behaviours).

I cannot imagine that their current homelife for them is very condusive for studying or actually living happily at home. They see all that is happening between the two of you and are fast coming to their own conclusions on both their dad and you as their mother. Please never let them think that you are putting their dad before them.

He's gone to work. I will be fine in the spare room. He's travelling next week so I don't have to see him at all. I need to get angry and not be this weeping woman.

I'm not putting there Dad before them. There's been no huge arguments. They know he's a knob with drink but they also want to stay here and not leave. He works a lot so they hardly see him anyway. It will only fall apart if I do so I mustn't.