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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

fear I've been dumped by silence YET again

617 replies

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 11:11

Have been dating someone for a couple of months. All seemed to be going brilliantly well (I thought). He is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and generally lovely - or seemed to be. Heard from him last Friday when he said we'd sort out our next date after the end of term. I said that was fine, as was finishing work then for Xmas too, so was fairly free. And nothing since, I text him on Weds but no reply.

I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from him again. This will be about the 6th time I've been dumped silently :(

I really thought he wasn't the type though - his general behaviour is quite gentlemanly, he's not an immature idiot. Plus, a few weeks ago we were watching tv and a famous(ish) singer came on, he said 'that bloke's a complete arse' I asked why and he said that one of his uni friends had dated him, and he had silently dumped her - and what a completely shitty thing that was to do to someone. Which I agreed with.

And now it looks like he's done it to me! Oh, the irony...

OP posts:

CynicalOptimist · 20/12/2013 11:29

Maybe not.....this is an incredibly busy time for everyone just now and i don't think men place as much importance on texting as women do in general.

He may be thinking everything is just fine as you already have another date planned - who don't you contact him again and try and firm up the details for your next date? If he doesn't reply gain then I'm afraid he has turned out to be a bit of an arse!

Original poster

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 11:37

We don't have anything arranged in terms of a day - just that we'd sort it out after Weds. I will prob try and phone him later, to give it one final try. But I can't help thinking it's a lost cause.

I just can't believe someone who said dumping by silence is shit would do it themselves...and right before Xmas too :(

OP posts:

CynicalOptimist · 20/12/2013 12:03

Men are cowards, they would rather chew off their own arm than admit they have had second thoughts!

You have my sympathies, I'm going through a rather similar situation myself but in my case it's just been a few dates so I'm not so disappointed.

Just think of it this way would you really want to commit to someone who is prepared to do something so shitty?
I'm still hoping that wires may have just got crossed somewhere though.

LoisChristmasPuddingLane · 20/12/2013 12:14

That old thing about listen when men tell you who they are can sometimes be reversed. Listen when men tell you what they hate people doing to them. I met a guy off a dating website - we exchanged a few messages and then agreed to meet. He seemed fairly quiet and a bit intense (English not first language, so he may have just been concentrating), and one of the things he said on our first date was that he hated it when you met people and then they just disappeared and didn't say anything more to you.

After our second date, he did exactly that.

Original poster

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 12:15

I absolutely wouldn't want anyone who was prepared to dump silently. I really didn't think he was the cowardly type, quite the opposite. He suffered a serious illness a few months ago (shortly after we were first in contact), and has been hugely stoic and positive about it, and coped incredibly well. I can only cling to the faint hope somehow it's all ok.

Sorry this is happening to you too. It's not nice whether it's one date or lots, and the time of year just makes it that bit harder.

OP posts:

niceupthedance · 20/12/2013 12:19

What did you text him on Wednesday? Maybe he thought it didn't need a response? What have his texting habits been previously?

Original poster

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 12:20

The silent dumping wasn't done to him though, but a friend. And I know men often do come out with a load of nonsense on the first date - I've had them say at the end of date 1 they couldn't wait to see me again, and then vanish into thin air!

I just thought the fact he said this several dates in, apropos of nothing (just when an ad for this singer's album came on tv) meant he did actually mean it, and wasn't saying it simply for effect.

OP posts:

Elsiequadrille · 20/12/2013 12:22

I don't know that I would call him actually, as you've already sent him a text message with no response.

Not pleasant at all, however, and just before Christmas, too.

Original poster

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 12:24

On Weds I text with some general chitchat (asked how he was feeling etc) and that I hoped we could meet up before xmas.

I have his present under my tree. I didn't tell him that, but feel sad and stupid every time I look at it.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 20/12/2013 12:29

Don't feel stupid, he's the stupid one, I would think he has finished it and hasn't got the guts to tell you, what a wimp.

I wouldn't recommend you phoning him.

AnuvvaMuvva · 20/12/2013 12:36

DON'T call him, don't text again. If I were you, I'd tell myself he had died, suddenly, and when he passed away he was calling my name...

It all sounds like it's been casual from the very start, though... Dating for a couple of months and he said, on Friday, that he'd see you after the end of term (today?), and nothing in-between? VERY casual. I'd expect a man who liked me to be keeping in touch every 1-2 days after a couple of months.

Have you shagged him? Not being nosey! It just changes things. Have you recently shagged him, and now he's retreating to Have A Think?

Have you been dating for 3 months? That's a hideous point - men often stop and rethink what they want for fear of "leading you on". :(

Please please don't initiate contact again. It'll put him off if he is wavering.

Original poster

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 12:36

I will phone him, I can't believe he would do this to me. It goes completely against how he's behaved up to now, and what I know about him. I have to try and speak to him - it might not be the 'right' thing, but it is for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 12:37

OP posts:

AnuvvaMuvva · 20/12/2013 12:37

Put the present on eBay and spend the money on the very next fun singles event you can find.

AnuvvaMuvva · 20/12/2013 12:38

Why not leave it? You'll feel SO much better if he calls you first. If you ring him, it might be weird and raise more questions than it answered.

Original poster

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 12:41

The present is not really anything I can sell.

And I'm done with dating now, this is it for me. Even when I think I'm making someone happy and it's going well, seems I'm completely deluded. There doesn't seem to be any point in going back for more punishment.

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AnuvvaMuvva · 20/12/2013 12:46

It only doesn't work out because you do things like ring men who aren't returning your texts. :) That stuff doesn't get good results. Sad, but unfortunately true. Just try a different tactic. LEAVE HIM ALONE. just do it as an experiment. Leave it - don't look for truth or closure or an explanation or ANYTHING - just leave it. Work on distracting yourself - it's a technique that will pay dividends in dating, long-term.

Leave it. Find 5 things to do this weekend that you will enjoy, will make you feel happy, and will keep your mind off him during The Experiment.

AnuvvaMuvva · 20/12/2013 12:48

Please PLEASE don't get depressed over this. How can I cheer you up?

AnuvvaMuvva · 20/12/2013 12:49

When was your last date? If you last heard from him a week ago, when was the last time you actually saw him?

Elsiequadrille · 20/12/2013 12:49

Don't call him (I've already said that I know ) You will come across as desperate. Unless you think for some reason the text message (which he ignored) wasn't delivered.

rainbowfeet · 20/12/2013 12:50

I have had this happen to me a few times too op,

The dating scene is horrendous
The majority of men on it are cowardly time wasting wankbadgers.
I too am resigned to singledom .. It really hurts to be trodden on & let down again & again!

Give him a piece of your mind on behalf of all like minded women!!

Original poster

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 12:51

I've never rung anyone who's dumped me by silence. I've always left it, not chased them in any way, and I've never heard from any of them again. Ever.

So you're quite wrong about that being the reason, it's not.

He is the only one worth ringing, worth knowing why. The others I could easily write off as cowards, or not right for me, but him I can't.

OP posts:

AnuvvaMuvva · 20/12/2013 12:56

When did you last see him?

Original poster

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 12:57

Our last date was 2 weeks ago. We were provisionally going to do something in the last week, but he was tired from work/effects of illness (he is on a phased return which I know he is finding hard going), hence saying let's leave it til after the end of term.

I really don't care about looking desperate. If he's not dumped me, he won't mind me phoning. If he has dumped me, it doesn't matter if he thinks I'm desperate or not.

OP posts:

AnuvvaMuvva · 20/12/2013 12:58

Most men aren't wankbadgers. Most men are decent people.

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