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Original poster

fear I've been dumped by silence YET again

617 replies

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 11:11

Have been dating someone for a couple of months. All seemed to be going brilliantly well (I thought). He is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and generally lovely - or seemed to be. Heard from him last Friday when he said we'd sort out our next date after the end of term. I said that was fine, as was finishing work then for Xmas too, so was fairly free. And nothing since, I text him on Weds but no reply.

I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from him again. This will be about the 6th time I've been dumped silently :(

I really thought he wasn't the type though - his general behaviour is quite gentlemanly, he's not an immature idiot. Plus, a few weeks ago we were watching tv and a famous(ish) singer came on, he said 'that bloke's a complete arse' I asked why and he said that one of his uni friends had dated him, and he had silently dumped her - and what a completely shitty thing that was to do to someone. Which I agreed with.

And now it looks like he's done it to me! Oh, the irony...

OP posts:
MatryoshkaDoll · 20/12/2013 14:59

This reply has been deleted

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starofbethlehemfishmummy · 20/12/2013 15:05

I expect he is busy with his wife and family

HaroldTheGoat · 20/12/2013 15:06

This is odd. I normally say in threads like this not to call them but that's normally early days stuff or more clear cut.

You don't think he could be paranoid about his prowess in the bedroom department do you down to his illness, and crawled into his man-cave?

starofbethlehemfishmummy · 20/12/2013 15:08

I expect he is busy with his wife and family

Jan45 · 20/12/2013 15:14

If he was worried bout his prowess in the bedroom, why ignore the OPs text? Hmm

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 15:15

If you had not sent the text, I'd say okay, call him just to say happy Xmas.
But you have sent a text and he's not replied.
What does that tell you- you know him better than anyone here.

My bet is that he's scared and doesn't want a relationship yet - or with you.

Do you really want a man who is unwell? He's getting over a serious illness, was worried he could manage sex (waited what- 3 months?) and now the deed has been done, he's disappeared it seems.

All of this says to me that he doesn't have the emotional stamina for a close relationship.

There's a lot we don't know- is he single ( presumably yes), does he have children, does he live alone, has he had other recent relationships, have you been to his home?

I know this doesn't answer your questions about if you have been dumped but the whole picture might help- because I think he's not ready for any relationship.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 20/12/2013 15:19

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HaroldTheGoat · 20/12/2013 15:19

Because he is being very rude

I'm not making excuses for his behaviour but it does seem odd.

Even if this was his motive it shows at the first sign of things being hard for him he hides, which is not good.

freckledleopard · 20/12/2013 15:20

You poor thing. I've had this before. It absolutely sucks. There isn't anything I can say that makes it feel any better. Anytime I get dumped/get silent treatment I have to tell myself that everything happens for a reason and that in a few months or so it will be clear what that reason is (i.e. you'll meet someone far lovelier and be so glad you aren't with the current fuckwit).

Hugs.

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 15:21

How old is he?
If he is harking back to uni days does that mean he's still in his 20s ?

wannaBe · 20/12/2013 15:23

ok op I have to ask. Do you have any weird sexual fetishes or anything? It's just you say this is the sixth time that it's happened t you. now I'm not saying that it's you, but I do think there has to come a point when you have to ask yourself if there could be something that is putting men off.

fwiw dumping by silence is a shit thing to do, but I would still be looking to see if there was something I should be doing differently...

MatryoshkaDoll · 20/12/2013 15:26

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Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 15:26

To try and answer questions - sorry if I miss any:

Yes, he's single
No children, lives alone. I've been to his home several times (he hasn't been to mine).

He was married for a short time, they divorced about 15 years ago. She has remarried since.

I believe he's been single for at least a couple of years, I know he was in a relationship about 3 years ago but not sure if there's been any others since.

OP posts:
Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 15:32

He's 50. So old enough (I thought) to be honest about feelings or worries!

No sexual fetishes. Nothing odd. I've been dumped by silence after first time sex, 12th time sex, and various numbers in between. In fact, at least once by men I'd not even slept with. First time it happened was nearly 20 years ago. And it's happened with men I've met in various ways, not just via OD.

OP posts:
varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 15:34

oh I think that's a bit mean blaming the OP!

I had quite a number of relationships before I married and almost all the men dumped me silently- usually a broken date or similar- not phoning as promised- really passive aggressive but unlike the OP I'd contact them and ask what was up- only to get the old 'it's not you, it's me ' line.

I think it is INCREDIBLY common for men to take the easy way out .
3 months is not a long relationship- OP you initially said 2 months so that amounts to no more than 8 weeks- and you may even be stretching the timescale a bit there- more like 6 weeks perhaps? :)

So I don't think I'd call it a relationship anyway- just dating- and he's gone cool.

If he's very busy at work, and re-assessing things with you, then just leave it- if he gets in touch great- if he doesn't it's win-win for you because then you will know it's over and how much of an idiot you'd have been to chase him.

Time will tell- can you keep really busy for the next week or so?

HaroldTheGoat · 20/12/2013 15:41

Yes I just think it's the way a lot if people handle dumping in an early relationship.

Don't lose heart and think it's anything to do with you.

I've been silently dumped loads of times. It's just the easy way out and nothing to do with you.

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 15:48

I thought he sounded about 25! If he's 50 and behaving like this, aren't you better off without him anyway?
Surely after sex for the 1st time you'd be hoping for more attention- not less?

I think he sounds as if he has issues of some sort. Being single at 50 is a little bit of a 'whaaaaaagggggh' in itself, especially if he hasn't really got back into the dating scene since his marriage ended. One long relationship in 15 years is not a lot- and although that's okay in some ways, it still raises a bit of a red flag for me.

The fact that you don't know much about his previous relationship confirms yours was a very short relationship anyway.

OP- I don't think it's anything to do with you- but it might be to do with the type of man you pick.

MatryoshkaDoll · 20/12/2013 15:51

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Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 15:57

Our first date was at the very start of Oct. It would've been sooner but he was in hospital for most of Sept. We've been in contact since the end of August.

I haven't asked about his relationship history in depth, so I don't know how many relationships he's had since his marriage ended. I haven't discussed my relationship history either, I've been single - I've dated but no actual relationships - for the last 6 years. So I wouldn't write him off for a lack of relationships much as I'd hope he wouldn't do the same to me.

I have picked the wrong men in the past - mainly no-hopers who weren't clever or ambitious enough. This guy was a MASSIVE improvement - own home, very independent, good job, v similar working class background to me, and very much my equal intellectually.

Hence I'm absolutely gutted that it's turned to shit.

OP posts:
varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 16:00

I wasn't meaning her behaviour- calling and chasing. I was talking about the men.

Some men who seem the quiet sensitive types are the worst when it comes to ending things because they don't like to hurt . I also get the impression this man is confused about what he wants. So if OP you have a pattern of choosing 'complicated' men, who perhaps need 'fixing' or 'saving' ( not your role but maybe you are the caring and motherly type) then that could be part of it- or it could just be sheer bloody bad luck.

what do you think?

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 16:02

I've never called anyone and chased them. I have text a couple, but normally I wait for them to contact me, but they don't and I never ever hear from them again.

OP posts:
varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 16:05

The things you list that you saw as being in his favour- own home, job, etc- are all practical things- I'd want those as an absolute minimum in a man. But how kind, thoughtful and emotionally mature he /they are , is not remotely connected to their income or status. If you think there's any connection then that's a mistake.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 20/12/2013 16:06

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varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 16:07

Ok- forget this guy for a moment. Are you saying you have had lots of dates that have not gone anywhere and you wonder why they don't follow through?

If this is not what you mean, ignore.

If there is a pattern - dating a few times then being silently dumped, that's worth exploring.

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 16:17

I've had lots of dates that go nowhere. BUT I am fairly sure I know (now!) why that was, because those men were wrong for me.

In the past, those dates have been with men earning a lot less than me (money doesn't matter to me, I grew up in a council house, so am not at all snobby over how much cash someone has. But I have found that men didn't like it, or certainly those men I dated), living in shared houses or with family, and who didn't have enough in terms of actual or emotional intelligence for it to work. Fundamentally we were incompatible.

I continued to flog that dead horse of a dating 'pool' because of a long-held belief (started when I was in my 20s) that clever, professional men weren't interested in me.

It was only this summer I started to realise that was wrong and I might be selling myself short.

OP posts:
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