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Original poster

fear I've been dumped by silence YET again

617 replies

disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 11:11

Have been dating someone for a couple of months. All seemed to be going brilliantly well (I thought). He is kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and generally lovely - or seemed to be. Heard from him last Friday when he said we'd sort out our next date after the end of term. I said that was fine, as was finishing work then for Xmas too, so was fairly free. And nothing since, I text him on Weds but no reply.

I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to hear from him again. This will be about the 6th time I've been dumped silently :(

I really thought he wasn't the type though - his general behaviour is quite gentlemanly, he's not an immature idiot. Plus, a few weeks ago we were watching tv and a famous(ish) singer came on, he said 'that bloke's a complete arse' I asked why and he said that one of his uni friends had dated him, and he had silently dumped her - and what a completely shitty thing that was to do to someone. Which I agreed with.

And now it looks like he's done it to me! Oh, the irony...

OP posts:
Scoobyblue · 20/12/2013 13:44

I would definitely phone him. Then you'll know for sure one way or the other and can move on.

HanselandGretel · 20/12/2013 13:45

You deserve better....at the very least he should have the decency to let you know what, if anything, is up.
Taking what you've said about the texting, it does look now like he's had second thoughts and is gone to his cave to think it over before deciding his next move. Very disappointing for you, especially days before Christmas, leave him off and wait and see.

MatryoshkaDoll · 20/12/2013 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 · 20/12/2013 13:49

Yes you have actually got your answer - so far, he may have a complete turnaround, if he does fine, let him get in touch with YOU.

Very poor behaviour so far though isn't it, he's had his shag and now he's disappeared, what I mean is, he hasn't made much effort to get in touch with you, you have, leave it now.

greenviews · 20/12/2013 13:49

So sorry to hear this. I'm going through the same myself, but we'd been seeing each other for 9 months. It's so so hurtful.

I wasn't going to ring, I did, he didn't pick up. Texted him to say lets conclude this as adults, he suggested some half plan about trying to meet up then was too busy pratting around shopping or something. I just saw red.....left a voicemail saying I need someone who actually cares about me..I was very upset and it showed in my voice. He hasn't been in touch. Says it all really. He's not the man I thought he was.

I bet he'll be in touch when he remembers how much stuff he's left at my place though.

I was advised by mates not to ring, but I saw it as game playing too. When you're going out with someone surely you shouldn't have to resort to that? We're supposed to be adults. It's just not me either, I want to be heard and clear things up one way or the other. Guess his silence says it all in my case.

Hope you get it resolved op.

teenagetantrums · 20/12/2013 13:49

Call him, you don't know if he got your text.

Grumblelion · 20/12/2013 13:50

I have been there too and the waiting for a txt/call is horrible Sad

If you possibly can, I would not initiate any more contact. It's probably still about 50/50 whether he's having the 3 month wobbles or whether he is indeed a wankbadger who's got what he wanted & moved on. If it's the former, he'll be wondering if he's ready for something more committed and may actually be scared off if you keep contacting him.
If sadly he is just a bastard then he's no doubt done this before and the poor women desperately trying to contact him afterwards will only fuel his ego. Apparent indifference on your part is the best way to hopefully take him down a peg or too and possibly make him question if he is the hot shit he thinks he is. Either way, you come out of it looking much better if you leave well alone now and let him come to you, or not.

Hope you can forget about all this over Christmas - mulled wine and a tin of Roses will work wonders!

FabricQueen · 20/12/2013 13:55

Good grief, just ring him, he could have fallen under a bus and it's nice to rule it out. You also get your answer quicker. I honestly can't be arsed with the game-playing that people here are advocating, if someone really likes you they just like you don't they, and you don't have to worry about 'messing it up' by appearing too keen. FGS.

Just bloody call him already.

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 14:03

I could understand if he was having second thoughts - in the last few months he's been very ill (and there are likely to be permanent effects from that, which will significantly change his lifestyle - he has basically gone from being super fit to unable to exercise for 4 months). Plus, he's been helping a close relative with some major issues. Oh, and he's met me!

Hence why I've been happy to take things slowly. And I have almost expected at some point he might say he needed time. Or something. But I thought he'd actually say it, not ignore me...

OP posts:
choccyp1g · 20/12/2013 14:12

I just don't understand a man who can spend three months wooing someone and then drop them as soon as they get a shag.

Now he'll have to spend another 3 months on the next woman before he gets another, when he could have stuck with OP and been at it all over Christmas.

Maybe he doesn't like sex very often. Wierd.

choccyp1g · 20/12/2013 14:14

Sorry OP, should have proffered my sympathies, it is HORRID to be left hanging and wondering.

varigatedivy · 20/12/2013 14:16

All this end of term stuff- is he a teacher or has he kids at school? Or is HE still at school? :)
Wondering why the significance of end of term.

I know it's hard but there is a lot of sense here from other posters.
I was dumped not once but twice in almost the same way by a man- first time round we were engaged! Gave him a chance years later and he gave me the silent dumping again would you believe despite being supposedly remorseful as they come for doing it the first time. Bastard. I'd never ever have thought he was the silent dumping type- but he was. And of course I phoned him each time, asked to meet, each time for The Talk.

3 months is not long and it is significant that you have just slept with him. On the other hand, 3 months is quite a while NOT to shag so maybe has he shagging issues? How was it- was he ok or was it a disaster? Could there be a shagging reason why he hasn't contacted you?

neversleepagain · 20/12/2013 14:19

Please don't accept crumbs. If he is interested he will get in touch with you. If you ring him you will look desperate and clingy and needy. Not attractive qualities.

Delete his number so you don't sending him a cringe worthy text in a moment of weakness.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 20/12/2013 14:25

There was a thread very similar to this the other day - with lots o people saying 'call him for closure'.
Just because you call him doesn't mean he answer/will be honest with you. He'll probably just suggest another vague date and be none the wiser.
His no answer, IS your answer.
Anuvvamuvva has it spot on.
Only don't be available of he does deign to call you Jan the new year.
So do those five things that will make you happy and forget all about him.
It's a win win situation. If he get in contact then great, if he doesn't you haven't wasted anymore time on him.

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 14:26

He's a teacher, no children.

The shagging was brief, but pretty good for a first time, and given there were nerves on both sides (well, certainly mine). There had been lots of other stuff on previous dates but he said he wasn't sure he was up to shagging before we did (due to having been ill, loss of fitness etc).

I don't think any of it could be a reason for not contacting me. Unless he thought I was a crap shag I suppose...there's a cheery thought!

OP posts:
PamDooveOrangeJoof · 20/12/2013 14:26

Ps the op of the other thread called him and regretted it.

LoonvanBoon · 20/12/2013 14:26

I agree with Grumbelion's analysis: it's still not clear what's going on here. If he is having a moment of doubt, though, contacting him again now definitely won't help.

I don't think that's about game-playing, to be honest: in the early stages of a relationship it's not that unusual for there to be a bit of pulling away / moving closer together as you see where things are going. I remember it being a bit like that when DH and I were first dating, & that turned out okay! On the other hand, I've been frightened off in the (distant) past when I've been having a wobble about a man, & he's carried on being too persistent with contact.

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 14:30

Just to add, this silence stuff is a really horrible thing to do. I'm sorry so many others have been through it.

As a mum of boys, I have drummed into them that they don't run away from issues, and it's much better to be honest than ignore people. Hopefully any girls they date in a few years will benefit!

OP posts:
lookatmycameltoe · 20/12/2013 14:39

I think some men have a romantic view about sex. They love the wooing, the fantasising and the romance. The actually 'ins and outs' (pun intended) and the 'getting it' doesn't live up to expectations and they lose interest.

No reflection on you OP (or your abilities in the sack!) I think men and women CAN feel differently about sex.

He probably thought shagging you would make him fall more in love with you, it actually did the reverse. I guess he probably feels a shit now.

I'm afraid this man does not want you. He's just not that in to you is a tired cliché but IMHO often true.

Would a man who was remotely interested in a woman make no contact in the lead up to Christmas? Knowing she will be dressing up and probably attending parties. Nope.

Please do what ever you can to distract yourself from this man. You deserve better. There are lots of men who would not do this to you. Illness or no illness this is the behaviour of a shitebag.

AnuvvaMuvva · 20/12/2013 14:42

Not-calling a man isn't game playing. Especially one who cooled off at the dreaded 3-month stage, and post-shag, too.

Game-playing is lying about having plans in order to seem more elusive, or it's telling fibs about what you're looking for, or it's trying to make people jealous.

But not-calling a man as a strategy i.e., staying away from the phone to give him the chance to miss you/realise how he feels is just sensible.

Why not follow the behaviour most likely to perk up his interest? At least that way the OP can then decide at her leisure whether or not she wants to continue seeing a bloke who'd vanish after sex.

MatryoshkaDoll · 20/12/2013 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngryFeet · 20/12/2013 14:50

Look all this analysing and game playing is for teenagers. If he fancied you he would have been in touch by now. End of. Sorry but I would leave it. If you really want to call him and ask why then do it but you might feel a bit like he has had the last word which isn't great for your self esteem.

AnuvvaMuvva · 20/12/2013 14:51

Please find fun things to do instead of letting this take up any more of your head space. THANK GOODNESS it's Christmas next week. I hope you have fun plans and won't be getting wobbly-lipped in front of Richard Curtis films. :(

BigChocolateOrange · 20/12/2013 14:51

OP please don't call him. It really will just make you feel worse.

Original poster
disappointedandsad · 20/12/2013 14:56

Trust me, I won't feel worse than I already do if I call him.

The only thing that's stopping me is that it might be the wrong thing to do, in terms of it working out. I don't know if it would put him off or not. It's a risk I'm not sure I'm willing to take.

What upsets me is that I'd spoken to him so much about personal things like my parents (who died when I was in my early 20s). It's not something I talk about - I was with my XP for 8 years and we never discussed it. I've never dated a bloke who's asked about it. Most haven't even known they were dead. I have no other immediate family (other than my DC) and was very close to my parents, so it's a big part of my life I don't discuss.

But this guy asked me all about it, not just what happened, but my childhood and stuff. And told me a lot about his own family, and losing his parents too. I felt for once I'd met a man interested in me as a person, not just in how I look.

OP posts:
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