Argh. Please stop me being an OW!

[StuporousFunker]

Oh bugger. Please help me to NOT be a twat.

I'm a lone parent, with two lovely boys. Have been on my own with them since splitting up with ex-H about 7 years ago. They're fab, but I have to admit sometimes I am lonely and would love to have someone in my life.

I've been working with this guy for the last 6 months, who I think is absolutely amazing; when we first met it was like one of those thunder struck moments. He's incredibly creative and intelligent, makes me laugh and I think we just really click. God, that sounds like such a horrible cliché, but I haven't felt like this about anyone for about 1,000 years (am an old bird, clearly...).

Now the problem is, he's married, so I haven't said or done anything about how I feel. Well, that would be until last night's work Christmas party. Had been cunningly keeping away from him, but then he cornered me and said that he had to talk to me about us: he's been feeling the same about me, his marriage hasn't being working for the last 4 years, I'm beautiful etc, etc. Could have been a load of old lines, and probably was, and God-damn the alcohol, but I ended up kissing him. He's called and texted me today, which I've ignored.

Argh. I really, REALLY like him and my head seems to have been infiltrated by a random teenager's. Please, please talk some sense into me. I know I can't go there, and I feel horribly, hideously guilty for kissing him.

I am an idiot. I can't do anything with this, can I?

You've been single for 7 years.

You can tell him that if his marriage is over, he should divorce his wife. But that you don't want to be a 'rebound' so you're not prepared to do anything about it until a year after his divorce is finalised.

That would mean you would not be an OW... Yes, there will be a long wait - but surely better than being the OW?

Yes of course you can.

You can walk away.

A married man is not a good prospect for you. If he's unhappy in his marriage, it is for him to sort it out with his DW or end it decently. Not behave in an utterly shoddy manner by lying and cheating.

You can do better.

If he really likes you, he will respect the fact that you don't want to be that woman. If his marriage hasn't been working for the last 4 years, he should really do something about that.

Be honest. Tell him that you do like him and would be interested in spending more time with him if he was single. But he's not, so nothing else can happen.

Then move on with your life. If he does leave his relationship, then you can decide if you want to be with someone who you already know can cheat on his partner.

You realise he's a cheating twat, right?

He's lying about his marriage.

Does he still seem that amazing?

Oh, OP.

Any of us could be his wife, you know.

All of us whose husbands have gone out to works dos this week.

He's in bed right now, with his wife.

If he would do this whilst married to her, he is not worth having. He may be attractive etc but really you do not want to let a cheater into the lives if your children do you?

It's too late to ask for help re you not being a twat. You have kissed him so that's already happened.

If your unsure what to do, read the posts on here from women that have been cheated on. Their pain is often palpable. Do you want a part in that??

And what about the children?

My sister developed slope via at just eight yrs old when my mothers affair was discovered.

This amazing man is willing to cheat on his wife. He doesn't feel the same, he is throwing any old bullshit your way in the hope that you will fall for it and your knickers won't be long following suit.

You're lonely and vulnerable. You deserve better.
Let him end his marriage first (if that's the reality which I very much doubt) and don't engage with him until he's genuinely available.

He is a twat.

Thank you - exactly what I needed to hear from you all! You're all saying what I needed to hear and I know I've been a shit.

I know it was hideously wrong to have kissed him, btw Blondeorbrunette - I really didn't plan for that to happen and it's no excuse, but I feel dreadful.

Sneaking around, him always having to disappear on high-days and holidays.

You can never introduce him to your kids

Always coming second

Promises of leaving his wife never happening

You feeling like a heel

His wife finding out

Never being able to just go out and have fun

This is a shit situation that will only end in shit.

And he's fuckwit.

Good for you, OP. You're taking this on the chin.

Now block his number and never go back there.

If he's going to leave his wife for you, I'm sure he'll be able to find you

Don't be so hard on yourself. You feel lonely and he
Has paid you some attention and you have responded.

Maybe take it as warning not to be so daft in the future and instead start building up your social life and meeting some different people.

I would avoid this guy like the bubonic, he sounds like very bad news.

Good luck.

Not entirely sure I understand the link, QuintessentialShadows?

You made a (probably alcohol fuelled) mistake at an office party. You can forgive yourself for that.

It would be unforgivable if you carried on in the cold light of day.

I wanted to give you two hot men in a tub to focus on!

Don't be horrible to op. She clearly knows she mustn't go any further, she just needs our support in doing so. You have mine-he is a lying cheating twunt and you need to lock your inner teenager in her room and listen to the grown up you. There IS a lovely, available man out there for you. Block this ones number, be professional at work and chalk it up to experience.

Ah, bless you Quintessential - two hot men in a tub would be great: just hopefully not those two exact examples you've given me!

And unfortunately, Hoho, my inner teenager seems to have broken out of her cage and is running across the village green with a large bottle of 20-20. Jesus: I need to have a serious talk with myself!

From someone who is on the other side (my ex has been cheating in me with several women) you do not want to be the OW!
There are so many reasons
It's wrong
A relationship based on lies will not work
If he cheats on her why do you think you'd be different
Are there really even problems in his relationship? How do you know he's telling you the truth

It goes on and on
If he is unhappy at home than he can leave but don't be a part of it. Affairs are cruel and hurtful things; no matter what his issues are at home his wife does not deserve this and you should run from a man willing to be unfaithful

If you work with this bloke and have now kissed him, I don't hold out much hope for this not becoming a full-blown affair now.

Sorry to sound pessimistic, but it took 100 steps to get to this point and that kiss didn't just happen. It was always going to at some point, because neither of you did anything to douse this at the first hurdle.

I hope it wasn't a public embrace, because that's such a shitty thing to do to his wife. Bad enough to snog another woman, but to do it in front of people is even worse.

If you really think you've got the willpower and the integrity, don't tell him you fancy him and would be interested if he divorces. That will just fuel it even more. Tell him you were tipsy, were knocked off balance a bit and regret anything ever happening. That you're absolutely not interested- without saying why (no reason needs to be given at all).

This really is just a proximity thing. You aren't soul-mates and this only happened because you happen to work together. The 'miserable marriage for 4 years' is very likely to be a crock of shite because he's still in it, but even if it isn't- this isn't the way to end his alleged misery.

If you can walk away with dignity, take some positives from it. It's shown you that you can feel those delicious feelings again for a man and that you're ready to meet someone.

No, it wasn't a "public embrace" - I'm sure no one saw us, but probably people suspected, it being a work party and all.

I'm sure you're right; it probably is just the proximity, crock of shite thing, but I genuinely haven't ever felt like this about someone before. Grrrrrrrrrr, STOP BEING A TWAT NOW, woman!

Really?

You've never felt like this for anyone before?

If that's true, it's quite sad and might explain why you're so off balance about this. IME most women by their twenties, thirties or forties have some frame of reference for infatuations and this helps rationalise the intense feelings. Many people in your situation recall that lots of relationships or at least a few started with these heady feelings, which either ended because of familiarity or because they never materialised into anything of more substance, once they'd got to know the person properly and stopped heroising and idealising (which is what happens in the infatuation/in love stage).

This really is all you're feeling. You don't see the real him at work. You don't see him being an arse to his wife, grumpy and snappy like everyone is at times. You don't see his bad habits, reserved for unguarded moments with people he no longer needs to impress. No more than he knows you well enough to risk his marriage on you.

You need a plan and you need to stick to it. Otherwise you'll turn up for work on Monday morning and unless he's had a touch of the seconds, you'll find yourself in yet another moment you'll say afterwards you hadn't planned for.