Argh. Please stop me being an OW!

[StuporousFunker]

Oh bugger. Please help me to NOT be a twat.

I'm a lone parent, with two lovely boys. Have been on my own with them since splitting up with ex-H about 7 years ago. They're fab, but I have to admit sometimes I am lonely and would love to have someone in my life.

I've been working with this guy for the last 6 months, who I think is absolutely amazing; when we first met it was like one of those thunder struck moments. He's incredibly creative and intelligent, makes me laugh and I think we just really click. God, that sounds like such a horrible cliché, but I haven't felt like this about anyone for about 1,000 years (am an old bird, clearly...).

Now the problem is, he's married, so I haven't said or done anything about how I feel. Well, that would be until last night's work Christmas party. Had been cunningly keeping away from him, but then he cornered me and said that he had to talk to me about us: he's been feeling the same about me, his marriage hasn't being working for the last 4 years, I'm beautiful etc, etc. Could have been a load of old lines, and probably was, and God-damn the alcohol, but I ended up kissing him. He's called and texted me today, which I've ignored.

Argh. I really, REALLY like him and my head seems to have been infiltrated by a random teenager's. Please, please talk some sense into me. I know I can't go there, and I feel horribly, hideously guilty for kissing him.

I am an idiot. I can't do anything with this, can I?

I don't agree with that either, worcestershiresauce. Marriages can be bad/not working before an affair is ever thought of. I'd even go so far as saying that in some instances, marriages that cannot be ended, for whatever reason, are actually 'calmed' by a partner entering into a love affair (not a shag on the side).

I don't think that people really understand affairs, it's such a taboo subject that it's usually shut down because people project their own pain, which is understandable.

I agree with wannaBe's post and personally think that affairs don't happen in happy relationships. It is the affair partner's responsibility to take ownership of the fact that they had/are having an affair because they make the choice to not stop but the state of a couple's relationship is the responsibility of both of them.

He sounds like a classic exit affair situation but make sure he's committed to leaving his wife before sex!

This has to be the best relationship advice I've seen on mn all year!

Not.

Fairenuff... It's if the same quality if advice as 'look after your man or he'll stray' which I saw on an ow thread once. Shocking.

What has any of this got to do with the OP's specific circumstances though?

There's no evidence to think this MM is being abused by a violent wife, it doesn't matter whether his relationship is unhappy, happy or (like the state of lots of marriages) okay - does it?

I don't know why it's even relevant to discuss the state of his marriage. Only him and his wife know the truth of that - the OP never will.

But it doesn't matter.

He's still in it and he has no plans to divorce.

Ummmmm looks like nobody got the point I was making, which suggests I didn't make it particularly well.

My point was the wife in question may well have been mentally unwell before the affair was thought of, but probably was a hell of a lot worse after it started and she became aware of it. Not projecting, merely pointing out the obvious.

But back to the OP, if you feel guilty for kissing him, that suggests to me taking it further is going to cause you a whole load of angst. It's an equation. Is the upside worth the personal angst and general fall out for you and his wife? I'd say probably not. You may think it is, in which case go for it. It's MM who's hurting his wife not you.

He is responsible for his behaviour, you are responsible for your behaviour. Quite simple really, we all make our own decisions.

And we all have to face the consequences of our own decisions.

Never ventured, never gained.

jelly this is statistically very unlikely to be your DH who is statistically likely to love you and be worried about you. Please give him a great big hug tonight and try to trust him (if you do). Pnd really hard. DH hopefully a star.
This post isn't your DH! Hoping you and DH get through a tough time. This isn't you. Don't let Pnd drive you to worry about this type of thing. X

Any news OP?

Sorry, RL intervenes.
Pleased that OP sorted things out.

I apologise if I have upset some folk by telling my story - but hey, everyone's life experience is different, and mine is as valid - and relevant - and some of the others.

Couple of points

Do I tell people to fuck off IRL; not often.
But then not many people would get up in my face and say smarmy stuff like when your sar having a drink with your kids aged 25 and they say "so, how did you leave mum then", how are you going to feel to say "I knew it was over, wasn't happy so I started seeing your step mum. After several months of sneaking about and disrespected the woman who have birth to you." Nice.

Particularly after saying
I had an affair.
I ended the affair.

I left XW and lived with OW after a bit.

cjel
ONE MORE -I have been in a 30year abusive marriage so I may have walked a bit in your shoes- 30 years not a couple.

WTF? Where does "Couple" come from. 15 year relationship, 11 year marriage.

I still think it is a crap excuse to have an affair.
Didn't note any excuse being made but san fairy ann.

And I don't want anything from someone with so little empathy for others male or female, I wouldn't take your money - ah, that would be the bit where I suggested your opinion was worthless? To be fair, as things go, so is mine - it was another side for the OP to consider.

I think maybe he has unresolved 'ishoos' about his life to have that level of anger for over 10 years.

over 10 years? Well over, decade+ since DW and I married. 16 years since I left.
Yes, I do have some issues, but then I have had counselling over a number of years and am getting better. It's just some of the pi-jaw "Well you should just leave..." stuff that triggers me. It really isn't that easy.

Upnotdown
Maybe OMCs posts will convince the OP that a man who thinks affairs are OK will always think that it's OK to do it
Pretty shite as a mindreader; never said affairs were OK; don't think it's OK to do it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
OneMoreChap... So, why was it that you didn't just tell your wife that you wanted the marriage to end?

Scared of what would happen.
If you were a victim of DV you had grounds to leave. Hell, we can leave a marriage just because we want to.

Ah, that will be why all victims of DV leave then, because they can?

Why wouldn't you have been able to see your kids? You ended up in court anyway.

Because the XW tried to stop me seeing the kids? And I had to go to court to get to see them? She made some stupid mistakes which I had evidence of, and my kids wanted to see me, which was pretty damn brave with her haranguing them.

The affair was ancillary wasn't it thought I'd said that?

OMC's comments about his ex-wife and his excusing of his affair is dismissive - ah, let's see. Point to me excusing my affair. Point to how I should refer to someone who committed DV to me?

'Up in your face'

But you haven't got a chip on your shoulder, no?

Anywaaaaay...

And decided not to answer my point about if DW was so violent why was it safe to leave his precious dcs with her?
Also accept it isn't that easy,, but if marriage is so bad and violent with too much fear to leave it, how and where does the courage and time for an affair come from?

How are things now OP?

"I'm glad I don't move in your sort of circles, LJ"

You do if you know real people, because I am just describing what they actually do.

There is rather a good thread on AIBU about things you only hear about happening on MN, it's only in MNLand that people supposedly behave as virtuosly as projected suggested by some on here.

"projection" is the new buzzword on MN, it would appear < yawn >

Oh isn't it just yawn inducing...

Lazyjaney...I can turn that around. It's only on MN that some poster will defend the totally indefensible, ie. shagging about behind your spouses back. Leave the marriage, get new partner. That isn't being unnaturally virtuous it's a set of morals many, many people live by. The people on here banging on about how we should all 'get real' are people who have shagged behind their partners backs.

I know many women who counsel adultery or accepting it, rather than leaving the marriage. I have never shagged someone else since I married a long time ago.

I cannot condone affairs, however sometimes our lives take a different turn and we meet the person we are destined to be with regardless of whether we are in a committed relationship or not. It causes so much pain and grief, but the alternative, ie living a lie, is just as painful.

Sorry, have been a few days absent from this thread. Have tried to read all replies, so sorry if I've missed any pertinent questions.

Jellymom1 BTW, am sure it's not your DH I've been talking about - I fudged timelines in the attempt to be anon - he's actually been there for years!

Anyway, there's not really much to say, other than how shit I feel, which I guess isn't very constructive: have given him a very definite no.

We've had some discussions, which I've closed up; he's texted me saying he's going to tell his wife it's over, which I've ignored, and I'm now off work until Jan.

I feel empty and horrible and a shit. Brilliant. Really should have caged up that teenager before; thankfully I've now put her in manacles, with the threat of an iron maiden to come.

But anyway, thanks all. I still think he's amazing, but I always knew I was being ridiculous. Thank you for giving me some sense.

Bugger, etc

Have a good Christmas OP - hope the break gives you some much-needed space and things feel better in Jan.

Back again:

mammadiggingdeep
But you haven't got a chip on your shoulder, no?

Ah, comprehension challenged. Sorry about that.
See, when I said "Yes, I do have some issues, but then I have had counselling over a number of years and am getting better. It's just some of the pi-jaw "Well you should just leave..." stuff that triggers me. It really isn't that easy." - that suggested I had issues , or a "chip".

cjel
And decided not to answer my point about if DW was so violent why was it safe to leave his precious dcs with her?

Missed, it, sorry.
Never exhibited DV/DA to the children - just me.
Victim blaming much?

Can't remember if you were the one who complained about initialisms, but to make it explicit: fuck off you victim blaming shit.

Evening OMC. Sorry I am not victim blaming, just thought that usually a person escapes dv with the children.

I didn't complain about initials, but did say I hadn't bothered to work it out!! so thanks for that