Argh. Please stop me being an OW!

[StuporousFunker]

Oh bugger. Please help me to NOT be a twat.

I'm a lone parent, with two lovely boys. Have been on my own with them since splitting up with ex-H about 7 years ago. They're fab, but I have to admit sometimes I am lonely and would love to have someone in my life.

I've been working with this guy for the last 6 months, who I think is absolutely amazing; when we first met it was like one of those thunder struck moments. He's incredibly creative and intelligent, makes me laugh and I think we just really click. God, that sounds like such a horrible cliché, but I haven't felt like this about anyone for about 1,000 years (am an old bird, clearly...).

Now the problem is, he's married, so I haven't said or done anything about how I feel. Well, that would be until last night's work Christmas party. Had been cunningly keeping away from him, but then he cornered me and said that he had to talk to me about us: he's been feeling the same about me, his marriage hasn't being working for the last 4 years, I'm beautiful etc, etc. Could have been a load of old lines, and probably was, and God-damn the alcohol, but I ended up kissing him. He's called and texted me today, which I've ignored.

Argh. I really, REALLY like him and my head seems to have been infiltrated by a random teenager's. Please, please talk some sense into me. I know I can't go there, and I feel horribly, hideously guilty for kissing him.

I am an idiot. I can't do anything with this, can I?

< small cough >

No, no, it's ok, I just have a little tickle in my throat....

To be fair, I didn't read too much into Lying's comment - I'm a hot-head too.

If my 'legs open for business' comment caused offence, I too am sorry, but my point remains the same. I don't think the OP has any business mooning after a married man. He's another story, he's the one with responsibilities, he's the one that's shitting all over his wife but he's not the one posting asking people to help him 'not be a twat'.

sidles back onto thread in disgrace...

Proffers cough drop flavoured pipe of peace to MFC, thank you for stunning me into initial silence. ... you might want to ask MNHQ to zap your post too as you've quoted my ill-advised one.

Upnotdown, I'm glad my post didn't wound you, honestly. Cake, from one fellow hot-head to another? . What you say is absolutely right; married people are off-limits.

I actually don't know what was wrong with Lying's comment. There are quite a few sanctimonious harridans on the relationship threads- I certainly wouldn't fancy being married to some of them if they were as puritanical and intransigent and in RL. God forbid anyone makes a mistake and looks for a bit of support.
I feel for you OP. Maybe honesty is the best policy given the risks. "I like you, but there's no way this can happen with your current situation." You never know, he might be free to start afresh at some point if he means what he says.

all round

Except for married men who fool around. They don't get to have

Oh, and people who don't really like Mumsnet and come late to a thread to say how much they hate particular boards and particular types of posters

They don't get either

Partial... Well, as it's been pointed out to me (and rightly so), my comment might not hit a deserving target but bludgeon anybody else who happens upon the thread and that's not fair.

I absolutely agree with you though that people need support for their mistakes - before and after the fact. To not support potential OW/OM will drive them underground and that helps nobody.

If I were planning to be an OW - and I wouldn't, the despair, grief, desperation and guilty would damage me beyond repair - I'd gird my loins, take on board some of the very useful (and painful) advice and comments and steer away whilst I still could. Hopefully that is what OP will do, it isn't too late.

My friend veers between wishing she'd never met OM and desperately wanting him. She's not really living, she's in limbo and it's very sad to see her that way. She has no focus or interest in anything.

When I see her, I wonder what it is that makes the OM/OW scenario so unique? It is, or seems to be, completely unlike anything else I've ever seen or experienced and it's a one-way path to destruction and/or damage of a person's spirit even if it doesn't lay waste to everything that mattered to the participating parties.

In fact, something very silly has popped into my head but it illustrates the point... Scooby Doo and his adventures, when they're in a mine, hurtling along the path and there's imminent peril ahead with much of the track missing, and they're still going along at speed with certain calamity guaranteed... and they're saved by a clever illustrator.

Being flippant here so apologies but, no handy illustrators around when you need them to 'rub out' the mistakes and prevent that peril. "If it weren't for those pesky wives/husbands...".

Speaking practically - is a move to a different desk on the other side of the room an option ? You are an adult with a conscience so you know you have to steer clear of this man. Keeping your distance from him at work will make the point that you don't want any further interactioin with him.

Much appreciated

Oh, MFChristmas. Don't be like that- I don't hate you at all. I actually find your "type" on here quite entertaining. I just don't think you have very much empathy. My point was- posters usually come here for help and it would be nice if that's what we did a bit more.

My DW was an OW.

I was really, really unhappy, and figured I should leave, but feared losing my kids because of what a wonderful woman my XW is...

I had an affair.
I ended the affair.

I left XW and lived with OW after a bit.
OW is now DW and has been for a decade +.

I'd probably still be with XW, self-medicating to death if I hadn't had an affair and gone... "Oh yes, happiness. I remember that."

Has he got kids? Has he got history of office dalliances?

To some of the cats-bum mouth brigade, "He could be my husband..."; yeah right. You could have been my DV XW.

Just be vv careful.

Good to hear a more balanced view of the situation. Well put OneMorechap.

still think its an excuse OneMore, If you put so much effort into an affair, you could put that much into ending your marriage.

You could have just gone though, OneMoreChap. What changed to enable you to see your kids whether you would have left or not, affair or not? You disparage your ex-wife and do yourself a disservice in my view.

What's unfair is that a woman doing what you did gets more flack than a man would get, it's actually very unfair.

Yes, relationships end and sometimes affairs happen and no, the ends aren't always distinct and neat but affairs do cause pain. Your post makes me uncomfortable actually and I don't have any particular ill-feelings about OW/OM; probably because I don't know any that didn't own their behaviour or feel the need to excuse it.

x-posted with cjel

There is IMO a MN Relationships narrative that the OW and MM are always sleazy scumbags, and the Left Wife is always a paragon of virtue. This is sometimes the case, but hardly the rule. Its an unpalatable fact that some Left Wives (and Left Husbands) were left for damn good reasons.

The most useful thing here is to help the OP to understand the pros and cons so she can make her decision, not for people to grasp the moral high ground with one hand and throw stones with the other.

Lazy - but the OW and married man are always lying and cheating? Whether the DW is a saint or not there is no reason for them to behave the way they are, MM should just leave and OW should wait until he has. No argument!!!

Lazyjaney... Sure. BUT, considering the married man or married woman rarely leaves their spouse for the OW/OM, how does that fit in with your hypothesis?

I hardly ever think that OW/OM are sleazy but your statement doesn't work if they don't leave their husband/wife and carry on seeing each other in secret.

I think that more people have affairs than we are aware of; some are better at covering it up and my friend had a 'guide book' that she was actually following to manage her affair. It advocated that men and women shouldn't have affairs but, if they're going to, it should be planned for, kept secret and enjoyed - and the marital home never disrupted for the sake of the children's wellbeing.

I was astonished that such a book existed, but it does. I have to say, on balance, looking at the hurt that is caused by discovery, I sometimes think that a discreet affair that nobody, but the two involved, know about is perhaps a better thing.

OP, if you are still reading, I think you should be very clear with him that all non work related contact is out of the question.

If he tries to flirt with you, keeps texting you, or in anyway disregards this, tell him that you will have to speak with HR.

Onemorechap...
It bugs me so much when people describe affairs the way you have just done. Do you want a pat on the back??

It takes big balls to say 'I'm leaving'. It's bloody hard. You took the easy, cheaters way out. As for using the kids as a reason for leaving, well, when your sar having a drink with your kids aged 25 and they say "so, how did you leave mum then", how are you going to feel to say "I knew it was over, wasn't happy so I started seeing your step mum. After several months of sneaking about and disrespected the woman who have birth to you." Nice. If you were so unhappy you were self-medicating then you should have been an adult an sought help, not potentially fucked up other people's lives to gain your own happiness.

not leaving sat having a drink

LWIW

I disparage my XW?
What, because it's a woman we suddenly support those who commit DV, neh?

What changed to enable you to see your kids whether you would have left or not, affair or not? You disparage your ex-wife and do yourself a disservice in my view.

I realised that I didn't have to put up with DV and I might actually be happy. XW was as I anticipated, meaning she had to get slung into court so I could see the children, she spirited away thousands of pounds I didn't have funds to pursue, and hit me up for ancillary relief - though the judge awarded in my favour in the end.

cjel
still think its an excuse OneMore,

Well, your opinion is certainly worth what I paid for it.

If you put so much effort into an affair, you could put that much into ending your marriage. Walk a mile in my shoes pilgrim, and check the fit.

mammadiggingdeep

That how you talk to DV survivors then?
Nice.

mammadiggingdeep

and yes, you charmer, my kids know all about how I was treated and why I left, and yes I have drinks with all of them.

so... FOTTOSOFATFOSM

OneMoreChap... So, why was it that you didn't just tell your wife that you wanted the marriage to end? If you were a victim of DV you had grounds to leave. Hell, we can leave a marriage just because we want to. Why wouldn't you have been able to see your kids? You ended up in court anyway. The affair was ancillary wasn't it?