Argh. Please stop me being an OW!

[StuporousFunker]

Oh bugger. Please help me to NOT be a twat.

I'm a lone parent, with two lovely boys. Have been on my own with them since splitting up with ex-H about 7 years ago. They're fab, but I have to admit sometimes I am lonely and would love to have someone in my life.

I've been working with this guy for the last 6 months, who I think is absolutely amazing; when we first met it was like one of those thunder struck moments. He's incredibly creative and intelligent, makes me laugh and I think we just really click. God, that sounds like such a horrible cliché, but I haven't felt like this about anyone for about 1,000 years (am an old bird, clearly...).

Now the problem is, he's married, so I haven't said or done anything about how I feel. Well, that would be until last night's work Christmas party. Had been cunningly keeping away from him, but then he cornered me and said that he had to talk to me about us: he's been feeling the same about me, his marriage hasn't being working for the last 4 years, I'm beautiful etc, etc. Could have been a load of old lines, and probably was, and God-damn the alcohol, but I ended up kissing him. He's called and texted me today, which I've ignored.

Argh. I really, REALLY like him and my head seems to have been infiltrated by a random teenager's. Please, please talk some sense into me. I know I can't go there, and I feel horribly, hideously guilty for kissing him.

I am an idiot. I can't do anything with this, can I?

OK just to put a different view out there.

Tell him how you feel. Then tell him you can't be involved with him unless he leaves his wife.

I am married to a man I met when he was married and I was engaged. We've now been together for fifteen years and have two wonderful DSs and I love him to bits.

And he isn't an arsehole.

And he didn't leave his wife straight away. I was the OW for about seven months. It was hell. But worth it.

I was the OW for about seven months

Nope , you will always be the other woman, well until the next one comes along, then you will be the first other woman (unless there more before you). I'm surprise you didn't know this.

Stick to that plan OP.

No 'come back when you get a divorce' statements. That will simply confirm you're interested.

If you've got to work together, put back some boundaries now that so many have been crossed. No 'just friends' coffees or drinks, no inveigling new projects which partner you together out of the office and definitely no out of work contact.

You can't go back to being friends now (not that you ever were because you fancied him from the off) but you might just about manage being professional and collegiate at work while you still work together.

That last post from you MerryFuckingChristmas annoys me. OP came here asking for views and help to STOP her ending up as an OW. There are plenty of intelligent and understanding posts from betrayed wives here and they're worth reading. If I were tempted and teetering on the edge, wanting some support to stop such destructive behaviour, it would be those posts that would make me think and would dissuade me if anything would, not yours. You just sound embittered and wanting to lash out.

Quoteunquote I've been on MN for eight years and so of course I know that for many on MN that is the view held.

However in real life its complete and utter bollocks.

We have been together for fifteen years. I am NOT the other woman and DH is not about to go off with anyone else.

If my post would make her "teeter" over into having an affair with a married man, then I would say she was already over that line. how ridiculous. The OP has a will and a mind of her own. It's patronising in the extreme to suggest she does not and that she needs gentle handling to save her from herself.

Quoteunquote... how do you work that out? Redsquirrel is now the wife. I've been cheated on and heartbroken but the bitterness towards the so-called OW, even those now legitimately in relationships, seems completely disproportionate to the 'crime' considering that it's the partner that shoulders the responsibility for breaking up his relationship.

MFC... No, I don't think your post would make OP teeter over but I would disregard it as an overreaction. I never suggested that OP doesn't have a mind of her own so you can keep your 'patronising and gentle handling'.

Squirrel... I think you will soon hear the much lauded quote from the master of words that is James Goldsmith... the one that goes, "When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy".

It's rubbish. Some relationships work, some don't. I'm of the view that for a man or woman to actually leave their home and set up with another person, they have taken serious consideration over it, it's not done lightly. As much as my partner hurt me, the woman he is with (and has been for many years) is a better fit. I'm happily married now myself too.

If hes a 'great guy', its meant to be (like redsquirrels example) and he's telling you the truth then he'll leave his unhappy marriage before he starts up with you.

It really is that simple. Or am I missing something?

You're missing nowt, LastOneDancing.

At least that way you can be certain that a bloke is leaving his relationship because it's no longer working, not because there's a bright shiny new bauble on the tree.

I think the most sensible middle course based on realities is that some people are perpetually unfaithful until the baubles aren't available anymore and some do it just the once, regret ending a relationship in such a disrespectful way and would never go there again. To say all relationships that started as affairs are doomed or that no-one is ever unfaithful twice in Real-life is madness.

As it is to say a partner would never, ever be unfaithful. No-one can be that absolute about another person's behaviour.

Red squirrel- you and your husband may be living a 'happy ever after' but I expect the mental scars of his ex wife are still there. What a thoroughly horrible way to start of a new relationship. Did your husband find it easy to lie and cheat? He managed that for 7 months- what does they day about him??

Op, I agree with MFC, you do t sound resolute. It dirt of sounds a bit like you might enjoy the drama of it. I agree you should just say he meant nothing. All if this 'if you leave your wife then we can see what happens' etc is just a load of soap opera rubbish type drama.

Move on and find a single man

Mamma (and others).

I'm not going to get into the detail of my relationship. Suffice to say that I doubt any OW would chose that path. The plain and simple fact is that relationships don't always work and unfortunately in some cases people are married by the time they realise that they've made a wrong choice. Half the problem comes from the label we put on things. I suspect I wouldn't receive the reactions I often do on MN if I said my husband was with a girlfriend he'd had for three years when I met him rather than a wife. The fact is he was married, he clearly thought it was the right choice at the time. Turns out it wasn't.

He has known me now for 16 years, he knew his ex wife for just under 3 years. They were married at 22. I don't think he is any more mentally scarred than any of us are about past relationships that might have ended badly. That said, it was horrible, of course it was and he had a horrible time going through it.

It simply isn't possible to generalise in these situations. Everyone is different. There are those who are constantly unfaithful and have flings left right and centre, there are those who wouldn't dream of even looking at another person. There are certainly not those who have never made a mistake in their lives.

OP think carefully about your feelings and if its meant to be it will be.

I'm a cut and dried person. If someone is with someone, they're with them. Finish it if you want to, and move on. As it happens, I still think it would be a very shitty thing to do to a girlfriend of 3 years. Shit happens in relationships, I know that. I just think months and months of sneaking around and lying is nasty. It's almost like the cheating partner doesn't have the guts to leave the relationship without an established relationship with the ow/om. They try it out, establish a relationship then decide to leave. I wonder what would've happened if you and your h hadn't got on do well. Would he have stayed with the poor ex wife with her never knowing. I think I'd be having anxiety attacks with all the lying, deceit and covering my tracks I'd have to do to cheat. Just really hard work!!

As I said I'm not going to go into the detail of my relationship, that doesn't help the OP at all. And as I said right at the outset it was horrible.

To be honest, I don't think you can judge how mentally scarred the ex might be. Unless you've had a person you share a life with (be it happy or unhappy) cheat and trick you for 7 months, I don't think you can comment. It's not the same as other bad endings. When you're cheated on it can skew your reality- make you question everything I. Your world. For some people that can last a very long time. I know a woman in her 60s, her h cheated on her 30 years ago and left for ow. She never really recovered and has battled depression on and off over the years.

Yes, trying to help op too. To point out that to if the guy is willing to cheat, he's opening a massive, nasty can of worms. Of course she might get a happy ending and end up with him. However, they can still achieve that and keep their dignity and self respect and not enter into an affair but do things properly and with integrity. The wife would still be devastated I'm sure but would not have to cope with the cheating aspect.

Sorry red...wasn't asking you to get into your specifics. You used your case as an example and I just referred to it too.

If you need something to keep you 'strong' then keep telling yourself that any person who is happy to betray their spouse for a fumble and the chance of their leg over is not someone that deserves a place in your life. cos they're a shit.

In an ideal world you would find a decent single man, but they are quite rare as a short scan of the OD threads shows. After 7 years it's all very understandable you are keen on this man.

Its unrealistic to think he will leave his wife and only then pursue you, in fact the probability of him leaving his wife is not that high even if you do have an affair. Also do bear in mind the OW life doesn't suit people who want more than a part time FB arrangement. Also, in-work affairs normally end with the less powerful person having to go elsewhere.

It's more likely you will love, and lose. But as the old saw says, it's better that than to never love at all. You need to look at the worst case and decide if you can handle it.

Firstly, ask yourself: Do I know any of these people gving me advice on a message board?
Secoondly ask yourself: What sort of people do I take advice from?

Read 'em a couple of times? Sunk in? Good. You don't know me, so will you be taking my advice? And if not mine, then will you be following the advice of any of the other nameless/faceless posters above?

Speaking as a man, I was married to somebody for 4 years and had children with her. Didn't love her though; which meant I wasn't a great husband (not bad as Dad's go according to her and her mother and sister and female friends)

Unfortunately, at a point in our relationship (which wasn't great a lot of the time) I met a woman who I fell in love with. Didn't have an affair, or even a kiss. I say unfortunately, because I didn't leave my wife and set up home with the 'OW' so she moved elsewhere and eventually got married. End of.

However, as was always going be the case, my marriage ended (ex-wife and I get on very well now, have done for years) but this was probably best for the children at the time.

So, you sit next to this chap; if his marriage is so unhappy, then he should leave his wife. He'll make her miserable by being unloving and he'll make himself miserable by feeling guilty.

Tell him.

Tell him, you'd love to come round for dinner at his new place, after he's told his wife and moved out. You might turn out to be the love of each other's lives.

Remember, this advice is based purely on my own way of thinking and my own life experiences (and we're all different)

It's sometimes helpful to posters in this situation to hear from others who've built a successful relationship after an affair, but the problem I see on MN (and occasionally in RL) is that those accounts are rarely credible and honest. Understandably perhaps, former OW feel very defensive about their relationships and so their posts often paint a very one-dimensional picture of a happy life with absolutely no fidelity doubts of men whose selfishness apparently only ever applied to their former wives and relationships.

Whereas when people are less defensive and feel they can be more honest about their lives, fears and insecurities, their testimonies are much more credible and believable.

In all my years on MN I can recall only one poster from many years ago whose posts were refreshingly credible. She was happy with her new partner, but acknowledged the difficulties, pointing out that however much she trusted her partner wouldn't have another affair, she accepted it made no sense to trust anyone blindly and even less sense if he'd done it before. Funnily enough, that woman was so switched on and honest that it's probably the only 'affair relationship' I've read about on MN that I thought stood a chance.

As regards the OP, yes it's always possible this bloke really has been unhappy for 4 years and will leave his wife if he thinks the OP is worth it. But we cannot assume that the OP is the sort of person who wouldn't have doubts about the character of a bloke who waited until another opportunity appeared before leaving, or who wouldn't always have fears that when their own relationship hit a low, he would feel entitled to do it again. Not everyone can suppress what would be perfectly sensible and rational fears and because of the aforementioned defensiveness, not everyone has the courage and honesty to admit to them either.

This, I think is the middle (and much more credible) ground between the extremes of 'all affairs are doomed' versus 'it would never happen to us and I never fear that it could'.

I disagree.

I don't think you should tell him there is any thing on your side and that ifif only... It opens both of you up to deep sad looks across the desk and will lead down the path to an affair as you both will know there are 'feelings'.

Tell him the kiss was inappropriate, his texts since are inappropriate and for him to stop it immediately.

End of conversation.

He can then chose to stay in or leave his unhappy marriage without the safety of a new pair of soft legs he knows are ready to spread for him.

That will tell you more about him.

Years ago my at the time fiance left me for the ow, I didnt know about it at the time, found out very soon after. We hadnt been getting on, looking back we were not well suited at all. Unfortunately I found out I was pg a week later.

He was a shit, to the point that I felt there was no other option other than to have a termination. 2 days after I found out about them, 3 weeks after that she was announcing her pg. I know it would happen, id said ot to him (I knew her)

15 years on they are still together and seem happy. Its a pitty they shat all over my feelings to get there though. If I was her id feel immensely guilty about that.

youve been single for 7 years, you deserve some fun and happiness, being the other women wont bring you that.