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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argh. Please stop me being an OW!

197 replies

StuporousFunker · 14/12/2013 22:56

Oh bugger. Please help me to NOT be a twat.

I'm a lone parent, with two lovely boys. Have been on my own with them since splitting up with ex-H about 7 years ago. They're fab, but I have to admit sometimes I am lonely and would love to have someone in my life.

I've been working with this guy for the last 6 months, who I think is absolutely amazing; when we first met it was like one of those thunder struck moments. He's incredibly creative and intelligent, makes me laugh and I think we just really click. God, that sounds like such a horrible cliché, but I haven't felt like this about anyone for about 1,000 years (am an old bird, clearly...).

Now the problem is, he's married, so I haven't said or done anything about how I feel. Well, that would be until last night's work Christmas party. Had been cunningly keeping away from him, but then he cornered me and said that he had to talk to me about us: he's been feeling the same about me, his marriage hasn't being working for the last 4 years, I'm beautiful etc, etc. Could have been a load of old lines, and probably was, and God-damn the alcohol, but I ended up kissing him. He's called and texted me today, which I've ignored.

Argh. I really, REALLY like him and my head seems to have been infiltrated by a random teenager's. Please, please talk some sense into me. I know I can't go there, and I feel horribly, hideously guilty for kissing him.

I am an idiot. I can't do anything with this, can I?

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 15/12/2013 02:14

OP - Please dont be the OW. Its not worth the loss of self-esteem, the mind torture when he's with his wife & family, the way you will feel when you look at your lovely DCs...this man could very well dip in and out of your life, getting to know your DCs but not being around for them. Its just too confusing and a really bad example. Just dont do it. If he is the man for you, then he will come for you after he has ended his current relationship. Dont be an enabler - know your self-worth.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 08:02

OP, you have a crush. They are normal. Just dont act on it.

I had one for that dark bloke in the video. Total midlife crisis, you know. I felt we had a special, bond, that he somehow could feel my existence across the oceans, and yearn for me. Ridiculous, the bloke does not even know I exist. But that is the sort of trick the mind can play on us, and most of us realize (especially it is easier to be realistic if the person in question is a sleb, rather than somebody you know real life) that something is not right here, this is a sort of mental imbalance, caused by some underlying factors. Like, boredom, midlife crisis, a longing for a relationship, a need to focus on something else for a bit. It is not real. You dont really know him, and he is married.

And, you do not want to be an ow. Be another mans cake while you happily lick up the crumbs he can offer now and then, between being somebody elses loving husband (we dont know that he isnt) and a tart with the morals of an alley cat.

Good luck resisting this insanity. If you do reply to his texts, just put him in his place and say you something like "My high standards prohibit me from engaging with married men in this manner. The kiss was a drunken mistake. Please back off"

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 15/12/2013 13:18

Well done on seeing the light.

I find it quite nasty, hitting on a lone parent. My mum was a lone parent and married male neighbours would proposition her as obviously, if you a a lone female, you must be available for an affair. Disgusting lot.

If he has marital issues, he should sort them out. He can then court you openly if you are the one.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 15/12/2013 13:19

Sorry I find him quite nasty.

mammadiggingdeep · 15/12/2013 13:22

This is really straight forward. If he's a decent guy he would now be telling his wife he feels the marriage is over and be working towards separation. Once the marriage is over, then he can pursue you. Anything else is wrong and suggests the guy is a twat. To be fair, he already is as he's kissed you.

mewmeow · 15/12/2013 13:34

^^ agree with mamadiggin.
If he is decent and honest you won't have to be the other woman! Either you're together or not, no baggage and sneaking around. His wife deserves the truth.

Twinklestein · 15/12/2013 13:38

However amazing, intelligent, funny a man was, if he was prepared to cheat on his wife I would lose all respect for him.

I'm sure you know OP that the line about the marriage not working is bollocks.

JingleBrains · 15/12/2013 13:41

Love that video Quint! Grin

Agree, if he's any good, he gets divorced first.

ShoeWhore · 15/12/2013 13:52

Mammadiggin is spot on.

OK you did a silly thing kissing him. Not your finest moment, I agree. Best way to reconcile yourself to that is to make sure nothing else happens now.

Another point for you: it strikes me that it is incredibly easy to tumble into an affair. It is much much harder get out of one with any sense of dignity or self intact. If you proceed, it can only end in one of two ways: either one of you ends it (cue a lot of heartache over what wasn't even a proper relationship) or he ends it with his wife and leaves her for you (And do you really want to be that woman? Are there children involved? Because the fallout in that scenario may never go away. And if you feel guilty after a drunken kiss then what's it going to feel like having trashed a marriage?)

Oh and he's not very original is he? Wailing my wife doesn't understand me like none of us have ever heard that before Hmm

How easy is it to avoid this man at work?

EmmaBemma · 15/12/2013 15:17

A couple of years ago I was on a university study week. I'm married. Met this guy on the first day, felt strong mutual attraction too. He was in long term relationship. So I spent the whole week avoiding him whenever I could because that was the only way I could think of to handle it. There was a social do to celebrate the last night, everyone went, he was there, spent the whole night following me around, and eventually made a huge pass at me - and like magic I went off him instantly. I think it's understandable to have crushes on other people when you're married/in a LTR, but to act on it is a whole other matter. I was just repulsed by him as a person because he could do that to his girlfriend so easily.

I can understand from your point of view how a drunken kiss could happen and I don't think you need to beat yourself over the head about it. But he pursued you - in your own words, he "cornered" you and gave you the hard luck story about his marriage and so on. His every action screams "massive amoral wanker" to me and I would run a country mile to avoid him if I were you. You deserve a lot better.

cjel · 15/12/2013 21:26

When he gets his flat because he has split up with his W then you get to like him. Until then he is a nasty cheating, lying twat and would do the same to you.

worsestershiresauce · 15/12/2013 21:43

Here's a suggestion - read some of the threads written by women who are going through the sheer hell that is life just after finding out their DH is having an affair with a work colleague. And it is sheer hell. I remember crying for 7 hours straight one day, without a break, and that was just one of many days of hell. 18 months on, the scars are still there.

He won't leave her, but he will hurt you. My OW, if I can call her that, is as messed up by it all as I am.

AnyFuckerWillDo · 15/12/2013 21:53

Couldn't if put it better fairenough

SantasSisterdoesallthepresents · 15/12/2013 21:56

My Dad had affairs. It really, really affects the children. Think of them too.

NoBusinessLikeSnowBusiness · 15/12/2013 22:37

It's a shit situation to be in. OP, you know what you need to (not) do. Everyone else has stated the obvious about him. Being an LP, do you not get much chance to get out? If not, is it possible that that could change to give you the chance to meet other men? That's the thing about work; it does take up most of our time. It's v easy to start thinking like this about someone because you spend a lot of time with them in a way you don't elsewhere. Lots of people meet partners at work: my office is full of it. But he's not single so end of story (unless he honourably splits up first etc). If you have time off at Xmas may help get some perspective. Best of luck to you.

Original poster
StuporousFunker · 15/12/2013 22:54

Ah, God bless mumsnet, and all who sail in her!

Thank you all for giving me the talking to I needed. Have stupidly spent pretty much the whole weekend thinking about him: but have been good and not replied to any of his texts or calls.

I've resolved to stop with the self-indulgent hyperbole, wrap my inner teenager in kevlar and just get on with it. Am truly dreading tomorrow though - we sit next to each other, so I doubt I'll be able to ignore him then!

Buggeration. Etc.

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 15/12/2013 22:56

You can't ignore him.

You'll have to speak to him and tell him what you want (or hopefully don't want) to do.

What are you planning to say and do then?

Original poster
StuporousFunker · 15/12/2013 23:06

No, of course I can't.

Have decided to go with the "it was just a drunken snog and means absolutely nothing to me" tactic. I can't risk opening up what I really feel about him, and hopefully that way it will close it down.

OP posts:
Livinginlimbo2 · 15/12/2013 23:17

You are most definitely not a TWAT!! It is not beyond the realms of possibility that he felt the " Thunder Strike" thingy too. However, he needs to deal with his marriage problems first, so I'd advise you to do as your doing, ignore texts etc and try to remain friendly but professional( easier said than done) .
I he continues to pursue you ,tell him that things cannot go any further whilst he remains a married man, but don't put your life on hold either. Try dating a few guys and see if this alters your perspective on the situation. x

MerryFuckingChristmas · 15/12/2013 23:17

You don't sound nearly resolute enough. Poor you, so tempted you might not be able to control yourself.

Get a fucking grip

Original poster
StuporousFunker · 15/12/2013 23:24

Jeez, MerryFuckingChristmas, where did that come from? Think my grip is in place, but apologies if I'm not sounding resolute enough.

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 15/12/2013 23:33

That's pretty harsh, Merry- seven years is a long time to be on your own, and as OP is divorced it probably wasn't a bundle of laughs for a while before that as well. I don't blame her for enjoying the flirtation. It's when it becomes more than a bit of harmless fun to pass the working day that it becomes a problem.

OP, look at it this way. You've been single for seven years, married to someone for however many years before that. How much more of your life are you prepared to waste on what is DEFINITELY going to be an unsuccessful relationship? Then of course there's the 6-12 months that'll take you to get over it when it eventually falls on its arse. Save your energy and your heartache and find someone else that doesn't come with more baggage than a long-haul flight.

Ehhn · 15/12/2013 23:47

I think you need a non-drunken conversation with this man. Tell him straight - non contact until he has broken up with his wife and sorted his life out. I also think you can be honest about your feelings (not necessarily a crush) but mark clear boundaries.

If he oversteps or ignores this, then you have proof he is a thrill seeking wank badger. If his marriage is truly shit (not just him rewriting history to justify an affair) he may just decide to leave it gracefully.

Ehhn · 15/12/2013 23:49

Ps these feelings you are having may just be a sign that you are ready for a relationship after a period of healing and life sorting. Perhaps not with him, but just generally ready to explore that side of life a Again.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 15/12/2013 23:51

It's not harsh at all

Op has been snogging Mr Unhappily but-still-Married already and is mooning on the internet about how "difficult" she is going to find it seeing him at work.

I would say it was already quite a bit more than "harmless fun" or perhaps she should ask his wife how harmless she would find it ?

So what if you have been single for X number of years. Since when was that an excuse for loosening your knicker elastic for some chancer that trots out the old cliches. You should be able to spot them a mile off, but somehow this one is different ? Come on, love, use your brain and not your teenage hormones. It's not difficult, really, you just have to mean it.

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