Argh. Please stop me being an OW!

[StuporousFunker]

Oh bugger. Please help me to NOT be a twat.

I'm a lone parent, with two lovely boys. Have been on my own with them since splitting up with ex-H about 7 years ago. They're fab, but I have to admit sometimes I am lonely and would love to have someone in my life.

I've been working with this guy for the last 6 months, who I think is absolutely amazing; when we first met it was like one of those thunder struck moments. He's incredibly creative and intelligent, makes me laugh and I think we just really click. God, that sounds like such a horrible cliché, but I haven't felt like this about anyone for about 1,000 years (am an old bird, clearly...).

Now the problem is, he's married, so I haven't said or done anything about how I feel. Well, that would be until last night's work Christmas party. Had been cunningly keeping away from him, but then he cornered me and said that he had to talk to me about us: he's been feeling the same about me, his marriage hasn't being working for the last 4 years, I'm beautiful etc, etc. Could have been a load of old lines, and probably was, and God-damn the alcohol, but I ended up kissing him. He's called and texted me today, which I've ignored.

Argh. I really, REALLY like him and my head seems to have been infiltrated by a random teenager's. Please, please talk some sense into me. I know I can't go there, and I feel horribly, hideously guilty for kissing him.

I am an idiot. I can't do anything with this, can I?

I say if I was her id feel guilty, because she had a very similar thing happen to her so knows how it feels. Obviously it was his responsibility not to act like a complete wanker and he should feel bad too, he says he does but I don't really believe him.

"his marriage hasn't being working for the last 4 years"

Stuporous. Of course no-one aside from his wife can deny or corroborate this statement but I would be extraordinarily surprised if his wife felt the same way.

I am another of the cheated upon (woman at work) and I know that this is what she was told (as she in turn told me in an unpleasant and unsolicted email a few years later). It was indeed a surprise to me as we were going through IVF and ex-H had thrown me extravagant birthday party a few weeks prior to leaving. They are still together 3 years later. Perhaps they are the loves of each other lives, time will tell but in the process they damaged me, my (then toddler) son, their own families and lost an awful lot of friends (although largely for their post leaving me behaviour)...

I do know thought that when I was out on a work night and a new client asked me for dinner and spun me the, my wife and are I only together for the kids, its over, she knows this line, I picked up his mobile which was in front of him and said, sounds great, but I'll just call her shall I and make sure that she is on the same page. You have NEVER seen a man go so pale, start to stammer and retreat so quickly....

I sad business twice...Dammit!

Well said Lying!!

Really, Lying? She asked us to stop her being a twat, not to encourage him to leave his wife, no?

I don't wonder that, even though AFAIK, it has never happened to me.

I can see it comes from a place of hurt and I think it's far more spiteful to tell a poster that it's no wonder this happened to her.

lying that was a completely hypocritical post

if you have a problem with the way women speak to each other, then at least try to maintain your lofty higher ground by not responding in kind

Another thing to consider which is unfair but happens a lot.

Who is going to be considered the nasty marriage wrecking skank by him and all the work colleagues when it all goes tits up? It won't be poor unfortunate little him

It was the 'legs open' I objected to. Nobody deserves that

Leavenheath I have no idea if it's happened to Upnotdown or not. I understand hurt, OP didn't warrant that post.

MFC I'm not aiming for higher ground so don't equate my post in any way like that one. It's a despicable way to talk to a woman.

I see that the post has been delete - I didn't report it, I would rather that it had stayed.

Telling a woman her partner should have left her sooner is not despicable ?

That's news to me.

Oh, does 'marriage wrecking skank' apply to the marriage wrecking men also then?

You'd think that OP wrote this thread to rub people's noses in gleefully rather than ask for support and some advice?

Lots of people have posted on this subject and it IS painful for many but there's no excuse to lash out with vile name-calling, there just isn't.

Whom did I tell that to, MFC? I'm interested? Most women wouldn't even think it related to them, because it didn't.

Do you know, sometimes I read what some women say to each other and I wonder less why their partners leave them, more that they don't leave sooner.

It's there, in black and white. Just because you didn't put a specific name on it, doesn't mean it isn't clear it was a nasty thing to say. It simply means it stayed within guidelines wrt deletion, which does not equate to the same thing.

I don't think anyone needs to read that it's no wonder an unfaithful partner didn't leave sooner. Although I think I recognise Upnotdown as someone this has happened to, even if I'm wrong there will be plenty of lurkers who might have been equally stung that there are women out there who think they had this coming to them and their own behaviour caused it.

It's possible to disagree with a post without making a hurtful comment like that back. As it's possible to apologise for it. And yes it is hypocritical to condemn the hurtful comments women make to other women when doing that very thing yourself. I agree with much of what you say in posts Lying, but that post was spiteful and beneath you.

Leavenheath... It's interesting that you say that my post refers to an 'unfaithful partner'; that's not at all what I was thinking of when I typed it. I was thinking of how nasty some women can be to other women, possibly men too. Hence a partner leaving, I don't know if that explains it better. That 'legs open' comment just riled me.

I do actually see what you mean and I can see how it comes across. I'm usually happy to stand by what I write but I can see that the meaning is ambiguous and not what I intended so to avoid causing pain I'll ask MNHQ to remove it.

Fair enough Lying.

Lying I am not calling OP a marriage wrecking skank and if you read my opening line I said as unfair as it maybe that is still the way it is a lot. OP has not yet done anything she can't back track on.

Like my phrase or not many people do still blame OW more than a H who can't keep his diseased cock in his pants.

Many people will think of the OP as this and some of them will be people she has to work with day in day out including this man until she has had enough and leaves.

I'm really sorry for that comment; I know I've tried to explain it but it doesn't warrant qualification and there was really no excuse for it. I'm a hot-head sometimes and I truly apologise for any upset I cased.

I've reported the post; I appreciate you calling me on it, Leavenheath

Cripes.

What has this turned into.

The poor woman has a crush. One she has every intention of handling and resisting. He has been making passes at her, and she is planning on ignoring him.

Is that not actually acceptable? What should she do, bring a dagger to work and bludgeon him during lunch?

Oh, I know, she can staple his bottom to the chair. Or, staple a note on his back saying "Tongue and Groove"

I think she should solemnly hand him a bible and tell him to read the commandments...pretty sure that would dampen his ardour

You would never be able to trust him given what has happened. He could and probably would do the same with you if he can do that to the mother of his children. Forget him and move on before anyone gets hurt (you)

I really admire you for that stance Lying.

Quint are you sensing huge determination and resolution in the OP then?

I'm not.

Plus this is hardly a crush is it? It's moved quite a bit beyond that. If the bloke's wife knew he'd snogged his desk partner at the works do, blurted out feelings for her and claimed 4-year old marital unhappiness, I doubt she'd be describing this as 'just a crush' would she?

No doubt that's what he might minimise it to though, if he got busted...