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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argh. Please stop me being an OW!

197 replies

StuporousFunker · 14/12/2013 22:56

Oh bugger. Please help me to NOT be a twat.

I'm a lone parent, with two lovely boys. Have been on my own with them since splitting up with ex-H about 7 years ago. They're fab, but I have to admit sometimes I am lonely and would love to have someone in my life.

I've been working with this guy for the last 6 months, who I think is absolutely amazing; when we first met it was like one of those thunder struck moments. He's incredibly creative and intelligent, makes me laugh and I think we just really click. God, that sounds like such a horrible cliché, but I haven't felt like this about anyone for about 1,000 years (am an old bird, clearly...).

Now the problem is, he's married, so I haven't said or done anything about how I feel. Well, that would be until last night's work Christmas party. Had been cunningly keeping away from him, but then he cornered me and said that he had to talk to me about us: he's been feeling the same about me, his marriage hasn't being working for the last 4 years, I'm beautiful etc, etc. Could have been a load of old lines, and probably was, and God-damn the alcohol, but I ended up kissing him. He's called and texted me today, which I've ignored.

Argh. I really, REALLY like him and my head seems to have been infiltrated by a random teenager's. Please, please talk some sense into me. I know I can't go there, and I feel horribly, hideously guilty for kissing him.

I am an idiot. I can't do anything with this, can I?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 16/12/2013 20:15

I get the SOFATFOSM (side of... etc.) but what is the FOTTO?

(Ok I can guess the FO, but the TTO?)

cjel · 16/12/2013 20:21

ONE MORE -I have been in a 30year abusive marriage so I may have walked a bit in your shoes- 30 years not a couple. I still think it is a crap excuse to have an affair.
And I don't want anything from someone with so little empathy for others male or female, I wouldn't take your money .

I am better off on my own and don't need an other half to realise that my marriage was crap. I learnt that all on my own and didn't need to cheat or use my dcs as an excuse.
I'm assuming if DW was so abusive it wasn't safe to leave your dcs with her ?

mammadiggingdeep · 16/12/2013 20:24

Sorry I have absolutely no idea what those letters stand for.

I wasn't being rude, I don't think being the victim of dv means you should go and have an affair. I think it means you should leave the marriage.

Your children have a mother who was violent in the home. Horrific and you and your children have my sympathies. However, I think it would have been best if you, as the other parent had left and not had an affair. Dv might make an affair more understandable but it doesn't excuse it or make it nice behaviour. Your kids deserve two good role models, dv and affairs are not good role models. Sorry if you don't like it but they're not.

mammadiggingdeep · 16/12/2013 20:26

And, whilst your throwing around 'walk in my shoes' I was in a emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and was absolutely rock bottom. Had two small kids and was desperate to be looked after and loved. I didn't go out and cheat though, to me that would have been massively complicating my already shit life. I got my strength, used my support network and told him to leave. Not easy but I could hold my head up high.

mammadiggingdeep · 16/12/2013 20:29

Oh...just got the letters. Do you tell people in real life to fuck off if they don't agree with your point if view. You do understand that this forum is an exchange if ideas and opinions don't you??

Upnotdown · 16/12/2013 20:36

Maybe OMCs posts will convince the OP that a man who thinks affairs are OK will always think that it's OK to do it and send her running a mile.

People make mistakes - the difference between those people is that some look back and feel genuinely sorry for their actions, some ^ on the other hand, do not.

Fairenuff · 16/12/2013 20:48

Ah, never mind, I just got it - to the other...

I'm used to the far side of...

Gotcha.

Livinginlimbo2 · 16/12/2013 20:49

Well OM has 10 years of a happy marriage under his belt, what does that tell you?

Fairenuff · 16/12/2013 20:51

Sorry, mamma, just to be clear, it means Fuck Off To The Other Side Of Fuck And Then Fuck Off Some More.

Not sure why OMC didn't just say that, if that's what he meant?

cjel · 16/12/2013 20:51

I don't know what letters mean and haven't spent any time wanting to find out!!

mammadiggingdeep · 16/12/2013 20:53

Yeah I got it after a whole. Not sure why he didn't just say it either?

Actually- bit sure why he felt it necessary to say it at all. Calls me a charmer then says that. Pot meet kettle. Actually, the tone of his responses were quite aggressive I thought.

mammadiggingdeep · 16/12/2013 20:54
  • while...
cjel · 16/12/2013 20:58

I didn't think I said anything to justify that level of response either. I think maybe he has unresolved 'ishoos' about his life to have that level of anger for over 10 years.

Livinginlimbo2 · 16/12/2013 21:01

Wondering what rational thinking OP makes of all this??

mammadiggingdeep · 16/12/2013 21:02

Defo cjel...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/12/2013 21:13

Livinginlimbo2... I don't think it says anything really. I'm sure there are very happy relationships and marriages between affair partners and I'm glad for them really because it has cost a great deal. OMC's comments about his ex-wife and his excusing of his affair is dismissive, in my opinion and his comments to other posters, (ie. mammadiggingdeep) devalue whatever his points were.

scottishmummy · 16/12/2013 21:17

Stop being so sexually available to married man,you're the bit of stuff
Go get some action with an available man,stop this indulgent we connected rubbish
You must have low opinion of yourself to settle for sloppy seconds.you know he still fucks his wife,of course he does

wannaBe · 16/12/2013 21:24

Affairs are IMO rarely black and white, but the problem is that as soon as someone enters into an affair the other party already has victim status, even if there were issues prior to that which perhaps led to (although might not necessarily justify) an affair.

The ideal is for someone to leave their relationship before entering into a new one. But given that 60% of people (men and women) admit to having cheated on their partners (and those are the ones who admit it) it clearly isn't that straightforward.

I remember a few years back a poster on mn was in an abusive relationship and she met someone who essentially made her see what a shit place she was in. Mn'ers positively encouraged her to meet up with, and sleep with this man and to have a lovely time because of what a shit her h was being.

A relationship ending because of an affair is never a positive thing IMO. but fact is that sometimes people are in crap relationships, and sometimes affairs are the symptom of that. Of course it also happens that sometimes affairs are the cause too.

My personal view is that every situation is different, and that while affairs are never justified and should absolutely be discouraged (both entering into one and becoming the OM/OW, that a snap judgement of "every man/woman who has an affair is a bitch/bastard and every OM/OW is a marriage-wrecking scumbag are far more about projection than reality.

Op - personally I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who was married. But I would tell them in no uncertain terms that if their marriage really was that unhappy they should leave before ever considering embarking on an affair.

Original poster
StuporousFunker · 16/12/2013 22:23

Well, this thread seems to have gone off on a number of random tangents, but you've all given me some real food for thought.

Today was hideous. Did the whole walk-of-shame thing getting to my desk, then tried to just block him out and get on with work. We talked at lunch and I bumbled through it. Think my classy phrasing was something like "Sorry for being such a drunken twat. Clearly we shouldn't have done that, but I'm not going there". So eloquent and pithy, I thought.

Grr, grrr, grrrrrr. Have ordered my hair shirt: thank fuck I'm on Amazon Prime, so it should get here soon.

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 16/12/2013 22:27

Just remember this, OP - so far you only know ONE solid fact about this 'amazing' man...

...and that is that he is willing to cheat on his wife.

Puts him pretty much at the bottom of the pile, no?

mammadiggingdeep · 16/12/2013 22:41

Yes, yes to talkative jim.

Op, you really didn't need to refer to yourself as a drunken twat. Your bit married, you made a mistake snogging a mm that's without question. However, I think he should have been telling you he wasn't going there.

mammadiggingdeep · 16/12/2013 22:41
  • not married...bloody predictive text
Leavenheath · 17/12/2013 00:10

Unfortunately, unless he too regrets what happened, there is an unfinished business quality to today's exchange. I hope you rehearse your lines so that it gets easier and you get to sound more resolute and determined.

5HundredUsernamesLater · 17/12/2013 00:12

I think we should stop focusing on the cheating husband here and give a thought to the poor wife. We all sympathise and offer support on MN when someone is complaining of their husband having an affair so to knowingly become the OW would be very hypercritical. Personally I could never ever contemplate putting another woman through so much pain.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/12/2013 00:38

If the wife posts here I'm sure she will receive much support.

I don't believe that anybody sets out to have an affair - not ever. It's too risky, too much potential for loss all around. Some people, however, don't safeguard themselves to prevent it from happening and don't recognise the warning signs. Either that or they become hooked on the feelings and by the time they recognise that they're losing control, it's too late.